How Can I Help My Husband Struggling With Porn?

by Jeff Fisher on October 8, 2014

{ 0 comments }

If you haven’t seen the good work Luke Gilkerson is doing over at Breaking Free (The Covenant Eyes Blog), here are some examples of some good articles that have been mentioned recently.  These are especially good for wives who have husbands who are struggling with pornography:

My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?

Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?

“Is Porn the Same as Adultery?”

And this more recent one:

“Living With an Unrepentant Husband, Porn-Abusing Husband – Advice to Weary Wives”  


OUR PARTNERSHIP WITH COVENANT EYES

We are glad to be partnered with Covenant Eyes.  They provide the best in accountability software for your computer and your mobile device.  You can try Covenant Eyes for free for 30 days by clicking:  THIS LINK.  When you get to check out make sure to enter the code “PURITY”.

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching
  • Personal Coaching
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Confidential voice mail line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

purity coaching banner 1

Guidelines For the Sexual Addict: Renting Movies

by Jeff Fisher on October 7, 2014

{ 0 comments }

The Oscars have gotten me on the theme of movies this week.  I love seeing movies and renting movies.  As I have been in recovery, I found I needed to develop some guidelines for watching or renting movies.  These are specific to me and the things that work of me.  Depending on your own recovery needs and your triggers, you’ll need to design your own strategy.

JEFF’S CURRENT GUIDELINES FOR RENTING AND WATCHING MOVIES

 
1.  I don’t see or rent any current movie unless I’ve done some research on it.  –  Pluggedin.com is the main site for me.  I also talk to my recovery buddies about movies.  I’ve found that my friends at work and even church are not always the best judges of movies that are good for me.

2.  If a movie mentions “nudity, partial nudity or sexual content” on the DVD case, I’m not renting it.

3.  If the movie has actresses in it that are triggery for me, I don’t rent it.

4.  Movies are rated R for a reason.  – I am very careful before I rent an R movie to make sure it’s OK.  I may even mention it to my wife beforehand.

5.  If my motive is “I hope to see something arousing”, I don’t have any business renting it.

6.  I stay away from horror movies.  – Suspense movies are OK, but I don’t believe anything in the horror or gore genre has any positive things for me.

7.  I don’t rent movies online.

8.  If something unanticipated pops up on a DVD I’ve rented, I let my wife or one of my accountability partners know.

SOME MOVIES I CAN NEVER WATCH AGAIN
There are many movies of my past that I watched a lot.  But they are no longer in my guidelines.  I have to exile them to the “never be seen again” island.  Honestly, that makes me mad sometimes.  There are a lot of movies I liked watching as a kid that I should not have been exposed to.  But I also don’t want to start slipping again in my sexual addiction recovery 

ACCOUNTABILITY
It’s important to build accountability around your movie watching and rentals.  Design some questions for your wife or accountability partner to ask you.  Don’t go into the video rental store alone.  Let your accountability buddy know when you are planning to rent a movie and talk it out.  Get recommendations from your recovery friends.

RENTAL STORES CAN BE TRIGGERY
Sometimes I have more trouble in the rental store than I do with the actual movies I rent.  I get in trouble if I start checking out DVD cases and reading descriptions.  My “old nature” wants to look at things that are beyond my boundaries.  I can talk myself into believing that it’s OK to look but not to rent.

If rental stores are triggery for you, don’t go there alone.  Or call someone before, during or after.  Get in and get out.  Keep your guard up when you are going into the rental stores.

Related Post:  Are the “Oscar Movies” OK For the Sex Addict to Watch?

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching
  • Personal Coaching
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Confidential voice mail line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

purity coaching banner 1

How to Guarantee a Sexual Relapse

by Jeff Fisher on October 6, 2014

{ 0 comments }

anonymous1The worst thing you can do if you are working on your sexual purity is be anonymous.

Anonymity = guaranteed relapse

Anonymity.  When nobody knows who you are, your history, your baggage.  You are not accountable.  Nobody is checking your schedule.  You’re by yourself, alone left to do whatever you want.

EXAMPLES OF ANONYMITY
I have buddies in my support group that looked forward to going on business trips.  They could go out to a bar, be whoever they wanted to be and hook up.

Or guys that used to frequent the chatrooms and pretend they were a different person so they could hook up an have anonymous sex.

Or a friend that would go to a Walmart in another town where nobody knew him and buy sensual articles of clothing to bring home and act out with.

So dangerous!  Anonymity is a license to act out.  It is a license to relapse.

HOW TO WORK ON IT

1.  Choose to be truthful – you have to make a decision in your heart to value the truth.  You’re intent has to be truth.  Don’t mess around, share the truth of your life with someone, even a counselor.  You’re only as truthful as you want to be.

2.  Choose to be accountable – You’ve got to find someone you can share openly with about your trips, or your times alone.  You need someone to help you with a strategy and ask you the hard questions.  You’re only as accountable as you want to be.

3.  Submit to restrictions and boundaries – You have to have a good strategy.  You’ve got to draw up some boundaries before hand.  Talk with your accountability partner about it.  Talk to your wife about it.

anonymous2On a trip – have them disconnect the porn channels, don’t go out after 10pm, don’t go our alone, hang out in the lobby until bedtime.

For alone time – no rated “R” movies, no computer usage after a certain time, phone-a-friend, hang out with others, sleep in another room, don’t go out by yourself.

Chatrooms - A haven for anonymity.  You probably have to stay away from these.  Even Facebook can lead to problems of anonymity.  Restrict or cut off the chatrooms.

4.  Sacrifice some freedoms – There are some things you just have to give up in order to get better.  Relationships.  Movies.  Television channels.  Internet usage.  Chatrooms.  Going to certain stores.  Magazine subscriptions.  Trips away from home.

Do whatever you can to avoid anonymity.  You need people in your life who know what you struggle with and will be there to support you.  You need to be in the right places and stay focused on your quest for purity.

 

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching
  • Personal Coaching
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Confidential voice mail line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

purity coaching banner 1

Discovering Your Sexual Rituals

by Jeff Fisher on October 5, 2014

{ 0 comments }

Everyone in sexual addiction recovery has to be aware of rituals.  Rituals are

“Routines we have that prepare us for acting out sexually”

  • Going to a bar to pick up girls
  • Driving a certain way after work to pick up a porn movie
  • Masturbating before you go to bed
  • Chilling out in from of the computer before you go to bad sites
  • Positioning yourself a certain way to practice voyeurism
  • Carving out time to be alone so you can act out in private
  • Taking a long shower
  • Renting the sexually explicit movies when your spouse is gone

Rituals get us warmed up to act out.  They are yellow light behaviors.  They are actually the first stage of acting out.

Rituals open the door to sexual acting out.  They put us in a downward funnel.  They prime the pump for further sexual behavior.

 

IDENTIFYING AND DEALING WITH YOUR RITUALS

1.      Think about a time when you acted out recently. 
Masturbation, pre-marital sex, affair, voyeurism, objectification, fantasy

2.      What rituals led up to your acting out?
It could be watching a TV show, looking at sites on the computer, a Sunday circular, a flirtatious conversation, lustful long looking at a person, time alone in your hotel room…

3.       Write each of them down and start working on roadblocks and boundaries.

4.      Create a strategy for each of your rituals.
Build several barriers around you and your rituals. Example:  For the firty person at work, you need to take a different path when you walk around, not talk to the person, be cold toward them, pray before you talk to them, etc.

5.      Bring your rituals into the Light.
This is the most important step.  Rituals must be shared with someone safe.  Bring them into the Light.  This takes the power out of them.  Rituals are secrets that grow in the dark.  Someone safe needs to hear it.  You need to hear yourself telling someone.

6.       Time and distance.
Breaking from rituals take time.  Rituals are learned patterns that we build into our routines.  Our brains are trained to go down the path and to act out.  You have to recondition your brain to act in a healthy way, instead of in a ritualistic way.

Remember, you will still act out if your determined.  The best strategy in the world is not going to stop the person who is bent on acting out.

One more thing – Break it!  Don’t try to get as close to the ritual as possible.  Build big barriers around them.  Be as far away from your ritual as possible.

 

CHECK OUT THESE BLOGS
Terms You Learn in Sexual Recovery  Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

 

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching
  • Personal Coaching
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Confidential voice mail line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

purity coaching banner 1

 

Terms You Learn in Sexual Recovery – pt. 4

by Jeff Fisher on October 4, 2014

{ 0 comments }

This week, I want to introduce you to terms that are frequently used in sexual recovery groups.  They have been important for me to understand, and have helped me examine my own life.
 
 


RED LIGHT / YELLOW LIGHT BEHAVIORS
stoplightRED LIGHT behavior is the same thing as acting out and crossing a bottom line.

YELLOW LIGHT behavior is when you are playing in an area of temptation.  Surfing the web looking for pictures.  Flipping through a magazine, just to see.  Walking past a girl’s cubicle at work to see if she’s there, or what she’s wearing.

Yellow lights are full of intent problems.  What was your intent when you were behaving?  Did you consciously seek out something?  Did you deep down hope to find an image?

In recovery, yellow lights need to be treated like bottom lines.  Your intent to see something shows the selfishness and sinfulness of your heart.  To God, it’s no different than crossing a bottom line.  Having a heart full of adulterous thoughts is no different to God than commiting adultery.

Yellow lights indicate a heart problem.

MY RECOVERY STORY
recoveryEvery sexual recovery group has a time where people share their stories.  We usually did it when there was a new guy in the group.  We went around the circle during our check in time and told our story.

Recovery stories are sometimes treated as a special segments to groups.  They are testimonials, and are meant for encouragement for the rest of the guys.

Your story is important.  Telling your story is important.  It helps us learn to be open and honest.  It helps us be comfortable with terms that are not normally spoken in public.  Telling our story helps us have the courage to bring things to the light that we have hidden.

I always benefit from hearing other people’s stories.  I always seem to see myself in their stories.  I am reminded of where I came from, where I am, and where I need to be going.  It’s encouraging to hear from guys that have been in recovery longer than me and have been successful.  They have good advice and tips.

OBJECTIFYING WOMEN
big_eyesI had not heard or thought about objectifying women until I came to group.  Objectifying women is looking at women as objects.  It is treating them as less than human.  It is a selfish behavior that we have been conditioned to do.  Since guys are so visual and driven by lust, it is easy to objectify women.

Men in recovery are working on this.  It may not be their primary bottom line, but it becomes one of those things that they must work on in their journey for purity.


Part 1:
  http://porntopurity.wordpress.com/2009/05/27/terms-you-learn-in-sexual-recovery-pt-1/

Part 2:  http://porntopurity.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/terms-you-learn-in-sexual-recovery-pt-2/

Part 3:  http://porntopurity.wordpress.com/2009/05/29/terms-you-learn-in-sexual-recovery-pt-3/

 

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching
  • Personal Coaching
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Confidential voice mail line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

purity coaching banner 1

Terms You Learn in Sexual Recovery – pt. 3

October 3, 2014

White Knuckling It, Chrck In, and Accountability are all important terms to learn in your quest for sexual purity.

Read the full article →

Terms You Learn in Sexual Recovery – pt. 2

October 2, 2014

Acting Out, Triggers, and Rituals are important terms you need to learn in sexual recovery.

Read the full article →

Terms You Learn in Sexual Recovery – pt.1

October 1, 2014

Addiction and Bottom Lines are two key terms you must learn about in your sexual recovery process.

Read the full article →

Grateful for Our Sexual Recovery Process

August 6, 2014

This is finally a Thanksgiving Day where I can be truely grateful for my sexual recovery.

Read the full article →

Lie #1 – I Can’t Believe a Lie (Marsha)

July 30, 2014

This road through recovery has led to many amazing discoveries. The biggest surprise has been the discovery of a number of lies I had accepted as truth. I believed my husband needed to earn my respect. I believe that 99% of the time I was right about 99% of everything. I believed my best ministry […]

Read the full article →

I Confess… (Marsha)

July 23, 2014

In the past, I’ve been overly critical of my Catholic friends who attend confession. I had solid biblical evidence that confession to a priest was unnecessary, as there was “but one mediator between God and man, and that was Christ.” I argued that the practice of confession discouraged believers from interacting directly with God themselves. […]

Read the full article →