Raleigh / Durham Resource: Overcoming Lust, Adultery, Betrayal

by Jeff Fisher on February 1, 2012

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If you are anywhere within an hour of the Raleigh / Durham area, these seminars will be worth the drive.

Both seminars are led by Brad Hambrick, Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, NC  and  Adjunt Professor of Biblical Counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary

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False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery
February 12, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed

Lust is not a gender specific issue. Lust is not something “some people” struggle with. Lust is not a “phase we go through.” Lust is not a problem that getting married will solve. Lust may never go beyond your imagination, but still create a persistent dissatisfaction with your current relationships or marriage.

Or, lust may be life dominating. Lust may cause you to put your health, your spouse’s health, your job, or your reputation in jeopardy. Lust may lead you to lie and create a double life in ways that you would have never thought you would.

Regardless of your type or depth of struggle with lust or whether your are single or married the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery” seminar is designed to help you walk away from these fantasy-based relationships (yes, even adultery is a fiction and porn is a relationship) and move towards the pure, true love for others than God ordained.

 

True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin
February 19, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed

There is no way to prepare for the news that your spouse has been looking at pornography, is having an emotional affair, or is/has committing adultery. Yet even without being able to prepare, you are still forced to respond when the news hits.

Numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, denial, revenge, embarrassment, shame, questions of whether I ever really know the truth, lack of trust, loss of respect, and feelings of loss of permanence are all common responses. But how do you respond to those responses? How do you “move forward”? What is “forward” anyway?

The “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar is intended to guide you through the emotional, mental, and relational dilemmas of your spouse’s sexual sin. It helps you answer the practical informational questions (i.e., What do I need to know? What should I expect from my spouse? Why is the “why” question so plaguing and hurtful?), and it walks you through the emotional pain that no answers to any questions will alleviate.

Top Verses: Getting Clean From Everything – II Corinthians 7:1

by Jeff Fisher on January 31, 2012

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II Corinthians 7:1
Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

LISTEN TO JEFF SHARE THIS PODCAST
Click HERE to download directly.

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This is a nice verse about our part and God’s part in pursuing holiness. The holiness journey is a broad journey.  The purity journey is not just about sexual purity, but getting all impurities out, all sinfulness out, and walking in a way that’s right before the Lord.

SINCE WE HAVE THESE PROMISES
Prior to this, there’s a great passage about not being joined together with unbelievers because it diminishes our ability to follow God, honor God, and glorify God.  We don’t want to mix godliness with ungodliness.

That’s a good purity principle:  We’ve got to stick with the godly atmosphere, the godly people, and things.

We don’t just exclude non-believers and non-Christians from our contact.  Of course we have to be around others who don’t follow God.  But we have to make sure that what’s swaying us and influencing us are godly things.

LET US PURIFY OURSELVES
There’s a divine component to my holiness journey, and it’s large.  I couldn’t be pure at all without God.  But there’s also an aggressive command to me: purify ourselves.  Sometimes that means running from immorality or radically cutting things out.  Paul tells us to go after the things that contaminate your body and spirit.  I have to do my part.  I have to be active in chosing purity.  I have to be engaged.

My purity journey is not just “God, make me pure” and then me doing nothing, sitting, waiting for it to happen.  There’s an active engagement in this journey.  I’m journeying with God who gives me the ability to be pure, but I’ve got to take the essential steps.

EVERYTHING THAT CONTAMINATES BODY AND SPIRIT
I have to work hard at this, take a comprehensive look.  I have to work hard internally and externally to get rid of everything that’s going to mess me up. There’s a high bar set here, isn’t there?  Go after everything in your body and spirit.

Body
I was thinking about some of the things bodily, that I physically come in contact with.  Old girlfriends I have had to get rid of.  People that talk about sexual exploits a lot.  DVDs.  Stop going to sites that trip me up on the computer.  I’ve had to stop going to certain types of movies. I’ve had to put filters on my computer and on my Netflix.  There’s a lot that I’ve had to physically deal with and get rid of.

Some people have to change the way they go to bed at night.  Some have to change what they do on a Friday night.  Shower routine.  Whatever it takes for my body to not get contaminated.

Spirit
Then what about my spirit?  What about my insides?  What kinds of things have contaminated me on the inside?  There are lies I’ve believed about God.  Lies I’ve believed about myself or my marriage.  John Eldredge calls these agreements that I’ve made with the Enemy.

There are fruits of the flesh that I like to live in, definitely selfishness, pride, idols, turning to substitutes to meet my needs.  These are inside things.  I need to ID them.  I need others to help me work through them, and God’s power to intervene.

Whatever it takes for me to not be contaminated body and spirit, that’s what I need to do.

PERFECT HOLINESS OUT OF REVERENCE FOR GOD
Wow!  Is this really in my hands, or is this just a goal to shoot for.  Isn’t holiness already perfected in Jesus?  Absolutely!  I’m whole in my relationship with Jesus.  I’m made holy by the sacrifice on the cross and my faith in that, but Jeff is not whole.  I’ve not been able to live it out.  I still have the old stuff and the old Jeff that’s out there. God wants to purge that from me piece by piece.  It’s a process that’s called sanctification.  I’m being set aside.  I’m not holy and perfect yet.

Then I need to do this out of reverence for God.  Its my attitude which drives my actions anyway.  Fear God.  Respect God.  Be in awe of God.  Be humble.  I need to do a “reverence check”.

RECOVERY PRINCIPLES
#1 – God’s part of purity took part on the cross.  His part if finished.  It’s done

#2 – Our part of purity involves partnering with God to purge and to walk in a right way.

#3 – Purity is an ongoing process that we have to be engaged in every day.

#4  – Reverence for God is a key motivator in our sexual purity journey.

#5 – We need the help of others to help us identify the things that are contaminating our body and spirit.  It’s an essential part of discipleship.

This passage today is one of those larger goal passages.  It’s also one of those “stay engaged” passages.  I hope that you’ll stay engaged in your purity journey

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Jeff Fisher lives in Raleigh, NC.  He and his wife run the site www.porntopurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to those who are affected by sexual sin. Checkout Jeff’s podcasts on I-Tunes:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity, Top Verses For Sexual Purity, and For Ministers Who Struggle.

Top Tip 008 – Suggestions For a Travel Purity Strategy

by Jeff Fisher on January 30, 2012

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Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download

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Many people have jobs that require them to travel a lot. This can be very difficult for someone who struggles with pornography and sexual sin.

  • No accountability
  • Anonymity
  • Lack of relationships
  • Lots of time alone

The point of today is:  think about your travel time and develop a strong purity strategy for when you’re on the road.


A QUICK LIST OF SUGGESTIONS

  1. Get an accountability buddy – You gotta have someone you’re honest and open with.  You gotta have someone to share your struggles with.
  2. Talk to your wife, a lot – Fill your time with the right thing.  Keep your wife fresh on your mind.  Keep working on your connectedness.
  3. Have your TV removed from your room – Tons of hotels will do this.  You might have to be insistent, but they’ll do it.  Many men in my support group do this every time they travel.
  4. Check out www.cleanhotels.com – This is a great site I found that lists hotels that do not have porn channels on their TVs.
  5. Join a phone support group -
    Pure Life Ministries www.purelifeministries.org
    Blazing Grace Ministries-  www.blazingrace.org
    Dr. Doug Weiss – www.sexaddict.com

  6. Find a SA or SAA group in the town you’re going to – Go to www.saa-recovery.org or www.sa.org to find groups meeting in the city you will be traveling to.
  7. Make time for some counseling – Find a local counselor or one in a city your traveling to to visit regularly.
  8. Spend time in public places – Only going to the hotel room when you’re sleepy can be a big help.  Make sure to go to public places that are not triggery for you (bars, clubs).  The hotel lobby is a good public place that might be good for you.
  9. Find healthy outlets for your stress relief – Go to the hotel gym.  Go for a walk.  Do some writing.  Go to the arcade.  Anything positive and wholesome that will help you.
  10. Don’t carry cash – Some of you get into trouble when you have cash.  You are less accountible when you are using cash.  You might want to coordinate this with an accountability partner.
  11. Don’t travel alone when you can help it – If you can work this out, it’s great.
  12. Get a different job – Be really honest with yourself.  Your purity is not worth it.  Your marriage is not worth it.  If you need to get a new job – MAN UP and do the courageous thing!

These tips are especially helpful for business travelers, but we all take vacations.  They can be vulnerable times.  We are out of our normal routine.  We are disengaged from life.  We want to relax.  And sometimes we resort back to old habits and old ways of reaction.

I’ve found that even when my family is around, I have to be on guard when I travel and stay accountable to another buddy.  There are many, many opportunities to slip in my sexual purity journey.

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101 – Start thinking about your travel purity strategy.  Get it written down.  Work on the basics and share it with a buddy.

Beyond – Start asking some hard questions about you and your travel.  Is this the type of job that is helpful to your purity journey.  Are you doing constructive, things with this time away?  Ask God how He can use this travel time to glorify Him, and use your creativity for Him instead of sucking it up for yourself.

CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Logo Design by Chris Quimby at Nacho Tree Print & Digital Design

Top Tip 007 – You Need a Down Time Strategy

by Jeff Fisher on January 27, 2012

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Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download

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Today I was to share some thoughts and tips about down time.  This also applies to alone time.  Alone time is alone time.  Downtime has more to do with times that you are not engaged in your normal routine.  I’ve found that down time can be a very vulnerable time if we do not have a good strategy.

Downtime can come when we take off for Spring Break or holiday, on the weekend, when our spouse is away, in between jobs, or even staying up late at night.  If we’re not careful:

Downtime can very easily = disaster.

DEVELOP A STRATEGY FOR DOWN TIME
A couple of weeks before my current job was ending, I started to talk with my wife and some of the guys from my group.  I talked about the things I would be doing during my off time, how my heart was doing, and what type of structure I would need.

My strategy included:

  • Calling recovery buddies regularly
  • Making to-do lists
  • Going to the gym everyday
  • Working on writing projects
  • Time spent looking for a job
  • Get up at the same time as the rest of the family
  • No naps
  • Keeping the TV off during the main work hours
  • Doing projects around the house
  • Time spent in the Word
  • Talk to my wife several times a day

You could sum my strategy up as staying active and making healthy connections.

THE NEED FOR STRUCTURE
Sexual addicts in recovery do much better when there is structure.  Generally, the more structure, the better.

I have done bad in the past when I had a lot of down time and very little structure.  That’s seems to be a sex addict’s recipe for disaster.

My structure is simply setting my TO DO list to a schedule. Here’s what Monday looked like for me of my first day with no job:

  1. Take kids to school
  2. Go to the gym
  3. Check and answer emails; check other blogs
  4. Have a quiet time
  5. Go to the library to work on book
  6. Work on home projects; prep dinner
  7. Pick kids up from school

You get the point.

I don’t think you have to strategize and schedule every hour of the day, but I know myself.  I know that my natural desire is to chill out in front of the TV & computer, eat too much, take naps and stay up late.  I’m trying to stay emotionally fit.

WHAT ABOUT LATE NIGHT?
Late night is a bad time for a lot of us.  You need a strategy for it.  You might need to:

  • Go to bed when your wife goes to bed
  • Call a buddy each night to check in
  • Set a computer or TV curfew for yourself
  • Only watch DVDs or content on your DVR after a certain time
  • Read books or read your Kindle
  • Do your bible study in the evenings

Going to bed when I’m tired is helping me a lot.  I don’t “hang out” in my bed.  It’s a place for sleep.  A lot of my acting out was in bed.  The bed can be a trigger place for me if I’m not tired or can’t get to sleep.  I try to stay out of bed until I’m tired.

WHAT ABOUT A VACATION?
Vacation has a different purpose doesn’t it?  One of the best things you may need to do is take a nap, rest, or go on a vacation.  But the sex addict needs to still have a strategy and some structure set up… even during a vacation time.

 

There are many other types of downtime and alone time.  I hope this podcasts get the juices flowing for you.

On the next podcast, I’ll talk about a different type of alone time – traveling for business.  It’s an area where tons of guys are struggling, largely because we have no structure, support, and accountability.

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101 – Start looking at your alone time.  Design a purity strategy for your alone time.

Beyond – What productive things are you doing when you’re alone?  What healthy habits are you cultivating?

CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Logo Design by Chris Quimby at Nacho Tree Print & Digital Design

Raleigh / Durham Resource: Overcoming Lust, Adultery, Betrayal

by Jeff Fisher on January 25, 2012

{ 0 comments }

If you are anywhere within an hour of the Raleigh / Durham area, these seminars will be worth the drive.

Both seminars are led by Brad Hambrick, Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, NC  and  Adjunt Professor of Biblical Counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary

—

False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery
February 12, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed

Lust is not a gender specific issue. Lust is not something “some people” struggle with. Lust is not a “phase we go through.” Lust is not a problem that getting married will solve. Lust may never go beyond your imagination, but still create a persistent dissatisfaction with your current relationships or marriage.

Or, lust may be life dominating. Lust may cause you to put your health, your spouse’s health, your job, or your reputation in jeopardy. Lust may lead you to lie and create a double life in ways that you would have never thought you would.

Regardless of your type or depth of struggle with lust or whether your are single or married the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery” seminar is designed to help you walk away from these fantasy-based relationships (yes, even adultery is a fiction and porn is a relationship) and move towards the pure, true love for others than God ordained.

 

True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin
February 19, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed

There is no way to prepare for the news that your spouse has been looking at pornography, is having an emotional affair, or is/has committing adultery. Yet even without being able to prepare, you are still forced to respond when the news hits.

Numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, denial, revenge, embarrassment, shame, questions of whether I ever really know the truth, lack of trust, loss of respect, and feelings of loss of permanence are all common responses. But how do you respond to those responses? How do you “move forward”? What is “forward” anyway?

The “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar is intended to guide you through the emotional, mental, and relational dilemmas of your spouse’s sexual sin. It helps you answer the practical informational questions (i.e., What do I need to know? What should I expect from my spouse? Why is the “why” question so plaguing and hurtful?), and it walks you through the emotional pain that no answers to any questions will alleviate.

Top Verses – Cut Off, Throw Away – Matthew 5:30

January 24, 2012

Matthew 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, throw it away.  It’s better that you lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into Hell. LISTEN TO JEFF SHARE THIS PODCAST Click HERE to download directly. — Here’s a big, big verse when it comes to sexual [...]

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Top Tip 006 – Lust Hurts My Intimacy

January 23, 2012

  Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download – I was thinking this morning back to the times when my wife and I were struggling in our intimacy during our first 8-10 years of our marriage.  Our counselor recently asked ups about our intimacy during our first 6 months of marriage and then how things [...]

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BONUS: How to Deal With Pockets of Shame

January 21, 2012

Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download this BONUS podcast When I entered recovery I wanted to heal.  I wanted to get as well as possible.  Some of the biggest obstacles in the way of being healthy are the pockets of shame I had. At first it was large chunks of shame.  Entire themes of [...]

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Top Tip 005 – Close The Loopholes

January 19, 2012

Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download – We have to close the loopholes in our sexual purity strategy.  Can’t be any holes that we know about. None of us are going to have a perfect strategy.  We can’t see everything or anticipate everything.  Others around us who are involved with us, even they can’t [...]

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A Covenant With My Eyes – Job 31:1

January 17, 2012

Job 31:1 “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” LISTEN TO JEFF SHARE THIS PODCAST Click HERE to download directly. Job is an Old Testament book we probably  don’t read very often or maybe never have read.  Job was a very righteous guy.  He had a serious commitment [...]

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Top Tip 004 – Create No Shame Zones

January 16, 2012

Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download – Recently, I interviewed Jonathan Daughtery of Be Broken Ministries for our Porn to Purity Podcast.  We talked about the subject of shame, and he said something that blew me away.  He said in the support groups he leads, he has esttblished “No Shame Zones”. The idea of [...]

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