TOP TIPS FOR SEXUAL PURITY – EPISODE 081 (9:32)
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I know this is probably a strange sounding tip. You’re probably worse off than you think. Perhaps it’s a tip that’s meant to increase your awareness of yourself. Who you are and who you are not. What you can see about yourself and what you can’t.
You’re probably worse off than you think stems from the principle: we’re not usually the best judges of our own condition.
We generally think we’re better off than we really are.
- We think our sin is not so bad.
- We think our slips are not so bad.
- We think we’re farther along in recovery than we really are.
- We think we can handle a trigger situation or temptation.
- We feel like we are sober, victorious and delivered from sexual sin
- We think we’re ready for the next step.
- Or perhaps we think we don’t need support group anymore, accountability, or computer filters.
For the person seeking sexual purity, this is dangerous territory. It’s not that we don’t make progress or get stronger. But we’re generally, not there. Romans 12:3 helps us with this reminder:
Romans 12:3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
Our inflated view of our emotional, relational, spiritual, or sexual health shows up most when we:
- Assess our present condition
- Talk about our slips
- Assume our readiness for the next step
WE CAN’T SEE THE MORAL MOVEMENTS
One of our difficulties is that we can make tiny movements and decisions that take us off course and not even notice. My friend Luke Gilkerson at Covenant Eyes calls these SUDs or “seemingly unimportant decisions”. We open a small door back in the sexually immoral direction: flipping through a magazine, watching a questionable movie, emailing a person you are excited by, mildly sexual searching on the computer.
We start thinking we’re OK and that it’s OK just to play around in these sensual directions, but we don’t see the danger.
Our sinful, fleshly nature automatically pulls us in this direction. It can be deceiving. We begin to convince ourselves that it won’t hurt anybody. We rationalize and even feel like we are entitled to a little play time.
WE DON’T HAVE A BIG ENOUGH PICTURE OF WHERE WE NEED TO BE
An important question to consider is: “What are you shooting for in recovery?” Not looking at pornography on the computer for a certain amount of days? Your marriage to be restored? To stop masturbating for a while?
What’s your goal?
For some of us, we hit a target goal and stop working on recovery. We think we’re healthy because we’ve arrived at an acceptable level of recovery in our own minds.
We have to continue to hold God’s standard of recovery before us. It’s found in Ephesians 5:3 “not even a hint of sexual immorality”. Call me when you get there, won’t you?
We might have a period of this, but we need to walk with God in such a way that we always keep this in mind. I believe that sexual addiction (or bondage) can be broken, but we need to always be in a recovery mindset.
We lose that recovery mindset when we settle for our goals instead of God’s.
WE ARE IMPATIENT ABOUT OUR RECOVERY
Who doesn’t want to have a quick recovery? We want to be done with sexual addiction recovery. Or we want to arrive at sexual purity. We want our marriage to be restored so we don’t have to be burdened anymore with recovery.
We hate the fact that recovery and sexual purity take a long time and we convince ourselves that we’re fine.
We start counting the days of sobriety and think that when we get to a magic number 30, 10 or 365 that we have somehow “arrived” at an acceptable recovery point.
WE REALLY THINK WE CAN GO SOLO
There’s this terrible cancer that has spread into a guy’s mind, the belief that he can do sexual purity on his own. Don’t fall into it guys! You can never do recovery by yourself. God has designed us for relationships and for connectedness. He has designed us to need a company of men to walk through life together.
Frankly, you and I have been very immature when it comes to having real, authentic relationships with men. We have not had people we can talk to about our sexual struggles, and not had other men to coach us through it. We will never stop needing these things.
We have had a lot of practice being solo and doing life by ourselves. Think that it’s where we need to be. If you are believing that you’re better off solo, you’re believing a lie and you haven’t progressed much in your sexual recovery.
Wanting to go solo has more to do with our pride and a need for control. We don’t want to appear messed up to others. And we don’t want others messing in our business. That’s pride. We want to control our actions and we don’t want to submit to others. That’s pride.
OTHERS HAVE A BETTER VIEW OF OUR PRESENT CONDITION
If you have open, honest relationships with others, they’ll be able to help you with your true condition. When we are accountable to one another, know each other’s stories, and engaged in each other’s lives we have the best chance of assessing where we are in recovery. Our friends will be able to ask questions. They will probe us about the emotions and motivations underneath. If they are experienced in recovery, they can see where you are headed before you can see it. Good friends and wise friends who sharing their experiences, stories and warnings will be a tremendous benefit to you.
WE HAVE TO LISTEN WELL
If you aren’t willing to listen to others, you are in a bad place in your recovery. If you aren’t willing to maintain open relationships with others about your sexual struggles, you’re going to spiral back into sexual sin again.
Make a decision that you’re going to let others help you assess your present condition in your sexual purity. It’s important for you to examine yourself and to make time for God to speak to your heart, but an essential part of your recovery is the insight of other people.
If you think you’re ready for the next step, see what God thinks, and see what the guys in your recovery group think.
If you think you’re slip isn’t so bad, make sure you bounce it off a buddy to keep it in the Light and get his feedback.
Thanks For Listening!
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