Our guest blogger today is the author of the Victory is Possible Blog. He shares with us a few of the big lessons he’s been learning in recovery. VIP has a frequent feature on his blog called “Fire Drills” – short tips to help you prepare for escaping triggery situations.
I started the successful part of my journey in sexual purity a little over five years ago. What a ride it’s been! I’ve learned a set of skills, and changed my beliefs about God, myself and others. The tools I’ve learned have been indispensable to staying sexually pure.
Here’s a summary of those tools:
STRUCTURE
I first learned this idea from David Weaver at an Every Man’s Battle intensive (2 ½ day seminar). Structure is setting up boundaries that keep us from sin. We all have places where we cross from holiness to sin. It’s the place where we wander from God’s plan. David taught me to find those places and draw a line. He made a statement that delivered a concept I will never forget. Anytime I sin sexually then my structure has a weak spot and needs to adapt. Anytime you cross the line and sin you should look at your structure and modify it so that next time there is a clear boundary that keeps you from that line.
Sounds legalistic doesn’t it? It’s not. Legalism is adding rules to Jesus’ death on the cross in order to earn God’s favor on your own strength and be granted salvation. This is totally different: structure is a self-imposed and flexible set of boundaries you design for yourself that puts blockades between you and sin.
Read Proverbs 5; it’s a clear prescription for structure.
“Keep to a path far from her,” [the adulteress] “do not go near the door of her house”. At the end of Proverbs 5 God warns how a sexual sin will…”ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.”
An internet filter is a key element of my structure. Especially in the early days, if I had internet access, it spelled trouble. Eventually, exposure (accidental or intentional) leads to compulsive thoughts. Soon the brain chemistry of desire takes over, and I am all but doomed to lust and sin. Filtering my access makes for a much easier time of resisting temptation. Using a filter is my own version of “Keeping a path far from her,” as Proverbs 5 says.
HEARTWORK
I also learned that structure is not the only part of a successful program to resist sexual temptation. The other part I call “heartwork”. Heartwork is learning healthy coping skills and developing emotional maturity. I was trapped in a very difficult situation when I was young. It was at an early enough age that I didn’t have the coping skills and maturity to deal with the problems in a healthy and productive way. I hatched a plan deep in my heart (and unknown to me at the time) for coping with my issues: using sex. Rather than developing these habits and skills, I kept misusing sex. One thing was clear now…I had to grow up.
I had hurts and pain from the past that were never resolved. Keeping these hurts and pains put away was like trying to hold an inflated beach ball under water. No matter how hard I tried, it would eventually come up. I learned a pattern of misusing sex to deal with the pain. It was so automatic that I never realized I was doing this.
It took a crisis, a wise counselor and trusted friends (including my wife) to help me see this reality in my life.
It was “shock and awe” in my heart… an all-out assault on my baggage. At first, working on these hurts seemed as disconnected to my sexual sin as grass is to E = mc2. Miraculously, over time, I started to see that my desires to misuse sex were diminishing. It’s now crystal clear that doing heartwork was draining my desire to misuse sex.
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On tomorrow’s blog, VIP will continue sharing keys to his recovery.
