2011

10 Reasons You Might Not Need Your Sexual Recovery Group Anymore

by Jeff Fisher on December 31, 2011

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10 REASONS YOU MIGHT NOT NEED YOUR RECOVERY GROUP ANYMORE

10.  You’ve got this purity thing ALL figured out.  You’re currently working on your own “How-To” book.

9.  You’ve had 2 weeks of sobriety, so you must be healthy.

8.  You and your wife are getting along spendidly, and you have perfectly restored her trust in you.

7.  You have moved from selfish and isolated to fully serving and connected.

6.   You’re already leading two other recovery groups… a third is just too much!

5.  You’ve been to a counselor once… that’s enough, right?

4.  You had a perfect set of parents who never wounded you, a healthy childhood and adolescence, and have no girlfriend baggage to heal from.

3.  You’re getting along fine with your right eye gouged out and your right hand cut off.  (bible reference points!)

2.  Doug Weiss and Mark Laaser are now calling you for advice.
1.  If you begin every group meeting with ”Hello, my name is Jesus…”
–
Jeff Fisher of www.porntopurity.com

Start Helping Others With Their Porn Problem

by Jeff Fisher on December 30, 2011

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large_goatee_mustache.jpg image by samc425

Tom looks kind of like this.

Tom, a friend of mine,  has worked with guys dealing with sexual addiction for many years.  He has led sexual recovery groups, and meets with several guys each week.  I was curious when a guy in recovery is ready to start helping others.


1.  When are guys who are recovering from porn addiction ready to help others?
It varies with each person, but essentially they are ready to help others as soon as they begin their healing. I would say that it helps us as much as it does the person we are helping. It is always easier to see issues in others than in ourselves, but it helps to reveal our own deep issues when we see it in others.

2.  What are some things a guy needs to have progress on, in order to start helping others?
 They should be out of the “crisis” stage before reaching out to help anyone else. If a guy has been having in an ongoing affair he should end the affair before reaching out to anyone else. Or if he has been masturbating a couple of times a day,  that should diminish considerably prior to helping another person. They should also be in some recovery program prior to helping someone else.

3.  What are the key components to helping others?
Mainly to talk about their own struggles. I have found that the biggest issue addicts deal with is the belief that they are the only one doing this, or the only one doing it to that degree. The shame involved is immense and fuels the addiction, so hearing from another person that they struggle in a similar way helps to break down that false belief. It also opens the door to sharing their own issues more easily. Any success they have had will also encourage the person they are helping.


4.  Why are groups so helpful to helping others?
One of the biggest benefits is hearing that others struggle in the same areas. Groups also give you eyes/ears/experiences to help you see things that you cannot.  Accountability helps,  but it is only as good as the person leading the group. The more transparent the leader, the more open the group members will be.


band_of_brother5.  How do you do accountability when you’re helping other guys?
Accountability is modeled by the leader or leaders. Even if there isn’t a designated leader someone will always fill that role and it is important that they are transparent and humble. I have found that it was more valuable to the group that I confessed when I slipped than if I didn’t say anything about it. I thought that it would hinder their recovery if they knew that the group leader still slipped at times but I was completely wrong.

Jesus is our standard.  The group leader needs to be an example of honesty and openness. I try to confess anything I am struggling with even if it has nothing to do with sexual addiction. Marriage, kids, job, my walk with Christ, anger, overeating, laziness, etc. Wherever I am struggling it is important that I share that, and of course if I am struggling with temptation that would be a very good thing to share.


6.  How do you know a guy is serious about getting better?
If they are willing to come to the meetings regularly and share what they are struggling with it is a good sign. If not, then they are probably not serious about getting healthy, and are just looking to check off that they went to a group.

They also need to be reading books on sexual addiction recovery and contacting other guys throughout the week.

Counseling is something I HIGHLY recommend for every addict and co-addict, in addition to being in a group.

I use the analogy of a gym membership. You can join a club, even show up regularly, but it you don’t use the equipment or work out then you aren’t serious about getting in shape.

Thanks, Tom for the good advice!

God’s Unconditional Love: Why Can’t We Accept It?

by Jeff Fisher on December 29, 2011

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By Guest Author:  Rick Langdon

Ephesians 3:18-19 … [that you] may have power … to grasp how wide and long and
high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge …

Why is it that we have so much trouble really understanding God’s love?

Intellectually, we can understand the biblical description of it, but I mean really grasp it profoundly in the depths of our souls … in a way that significantly affects the way we feel and the way we live? Partly because it “surpasses knowledge”.  How’s that?  J

DOES HUMAN LOVE = GOD’S LOVE?
Another reason we have trouble is that we are working from reasoning based on human love as we understand it.  At least in this realm we have some personal experience:  how we attempt to love others, why we tend to love certain others and how we ourselves have been loved or, too often, rejected.  So our experience says that people don’t love us unless we meet or exceed their expectations or they find something about us that is attractive.  Certainly it also tells us that this love is fragile … that we are always in jeopardy of losing it if we are found to be unworthy.

I DON’T SEE MYSELF AS LOVEABLE
This view is further reinforced by what we know about ourselves … we don’t see a whole lot in us to love.  So we put on masks and hide our true selves believing no one could possibly love us; not as we really are.  So we attempt to present or remake our self as someone deserving love, or at least admiration.

We project our human reasoning and experiences with love (or lack thereof) onto God and while we may say “God loves me”, we don’t really know this deep in our souls; we still live as if He may be like the last human being that tried to love us.

GOD IS DIFFERENT
But good news!  The Bible tells us God is different! (surprise!). He already knows everything about us, the bad and the ugly (notice I left out the good; “no not one” as it is written … J)  Yet, in spite of this He loves us, chose to redeem us, die for us on the cross, to forgive and reconcile us to Himself.  This is so hard to grasp because this love goes against our human experience in relationships.  We certainly didn’t live up to any great expectations here and we surely deserve something way different.

We all yearn for this unconditional love … someone who knows us perfectly and yet loves us anyway; without question or reservation.  Who could do this?  God alone.  But how?  Why?  Perplexing isn’t it.  It “surpasses knowledge”.

So how do we understand a love that “surpasses knowledge”?  Because it is beyond our human understanding, this must be a work of the Spirit. As Paul explains many times in his letters, these things come not from our own natural abilities, intellect or power, but only through the Spirit.  But why is this understanding so important?

DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES OF THE ENEMY
In order to live an abundant life we must begin to reject the things that the enemy tells us, the things our own hearts tell us (deceitful above all things as they are) and start embracing that which God says is true of Himself, of us and of how He sees us in Christ (where there is no condemnation; none!).  As we begin to do this, not only will our lives be changed but we will glorify God in ways we never imagined.

The world longs to see God’s love in the real world, working itself out in real people (no masks).  But in order for His love to overflow to others, it has to begin with an overwhelming and deep abiding sense of His love within us.  A love that “surpasses knowledge”.

—

RECOMMENDED READING
Truefaced by Thrall/McNicol & Lynch
The Search for Significance by McGee)

24 Purity Resolutions for 2012

by Jeff Fisher on December 28, 2011

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Check us out on Twitter:  @porntopurity

Email:  porntopurity@gmail.com

Happy New Year

From Jeff & Marsha Fisher at Porn to Purity

  1. I resolve to go to a Christian counselor for the first time.
  2. I resolve to go to a sexual support group for the first time.
  3. I resolve to read a book on sexual purity.  Anything from Laaser, Carnes, or Weiss is awesome!
  4. I resolve to fully disclose my sexual struggles to another person of the same gender.
  5. I resolve to read my bible everyday asking God to help me with my sexual struggles.
  6. I resolve to put Covenant Eyes (accountability software) on all of my computers.
  7. I resolve to have a friend block the questionable channels on my TV.
  8. I resolve to throw away all DVDs with sexual content or nudity.  
  9. I resolve to stop surfing through the Sunday circulars for sensual material.
  10. I resolve to throw away or unsubscribe to all magazines that get me sexually excited.
  11. I resolve to allow someone to keep me accountable to my I-Tunes downloads.
  12. I resolve to not go see any movies without researching them on a site like Plugged In.com
  13. I resolve to keep looking for an accountability partner until I find a good one.
  14. I resolve to let my minister know about my sexual struggles and be a part of my “safe” team.
  15. I resolve to get rid of any music that is sexual explicit or stimulating.
  16. This year I resolve to call someone everyday so I can stay connected and stay pure.
  17. This year I resolve to dump my girlfriend / boyfriend who is hindering my desire to be sexually pure.
  18. This year I resolve to make sure my home and work computer are in public view.
  19. This year I resolve to get some help from a counselor so I can stop masturbating.
  20. This year I resolve to dress in a way that is modest and doesn’t cause a stumbling block to others.
  21. This year I resolve to value others instead of objectify.  Somebody’s daughter.  Somebody’s son.
  22. This year I resolve to begin jotting my feelings and struggles in a journal or blog.
  23. This year I resolve to have a purity plan in place every time I travel.
  24. This year I resolve to ask Jesus to heal me from the emotional ties I have to old boyfriends / girlfriends.

NEW TO OUR WEBSITE?
Take some time to check out our extensive list of sexual addiction resources , help for wives of addicts, and statistics.

Read Jeff and Marsha’s story about their recovery from porn.

Jeff and Marsha’s Porn to Purity Podcast

Jeff’s Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast

Book Review: Taking Every Thought Captive by Dr. Mark Laaser

by Jeff Fisher on December 27, 2011

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MEN OF VALOR SERIES

BOOK 2:  TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE
http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/taking-every-thought-captive/

The second book in Dr. Mark Laaser’s Men of Valor series Becoming a Man of Valor hovers around a big challenge for guys:  developing a godly thought life.

The author definitely deals with curbing immoral sexual thoughts in the book, but he’s quick to point out that our minds can be overrun by many types of thoughts.  Thoughts about power, prestige, success and money can also take root in our hearts and lead us down the wrong path.

—

LISTEN TO JEFF INTERVIEW DR. LAASER ABOUT THE BOOK
Taking Every Thought Captive – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

—

SHORT-TERM STRATEGIES VS LONG-TERM SOLUTIONS
The first three chapters are packed with practical ways to start working on our thought life.  Most of these strategies come from Alcoholics Anonymous:  avoiding triggers, the 3-second rule, make phone calls, distraction, and meditation.  These strategies are behavioral, though.  The  author is quick to mention:

“…these behavioral approaches to taking thoughts captive are only the first step.  Behavioral solutions are only short-term strategies, not long-term solutions.” (15)

The rest of the book focuses on long-term solutions.  I think the greatest value of the book is found here.  Chapters 4 and 5 help the reader learn to take his fantasies captive by identifying them, looking for the hurts and needs that drive them, and surrendering them to Christ.  Chapter 6 explains that our behaviors need to be motivated by vision, not fantasy, and shows us how to recognize the difference.

Fantasy = mental pictures of what you think will meet your desires

Vision = God’s picture based on your calling (115-116)

 

BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND BRAIN CARE
I appreciate the simple explanation the author gives in Chapter 3 of the chemicals released by an addictive substance.

Dopamine – The “feel-good” chemical.  Released with arousal and sexual pleasure.

Oxytocin – The “bonding” chemical.  Released when non-sexual or sexual touch happens.  Gives a feeling of well-being and connection.

Catecholamines – The “euphoria” chemicals, often compared to the high that comes from heroin.  There is also a calming experience that comes with these chemicals.

Sexual pleasure brings the widest release of these chemicals – fantastic for a marriage, but incredibly destructive outside of the marriage context.

Most surprising to me, was the amount of time the author writes about brain health.  He shares from his experiences with Dr. Daniel Amen (www.amenclinics.com), who specializes in brain diagnosis and treatment. The author believes a person’s mental health can be a factor in taking one’s thoughts captive.  The author never blamed mental illness or distracted from the healing power of God in writing this chapter.

The reader is encouraged to pay attention to his mental health and brain chemistry by getting help from a medical professional, having the right medications, and paying attention to his diet.

The author believes a person will be able to glorify God better and work on his thought life when his brain is healthy.

 

IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE TO TAKE MY THOUGHTS CAPTIVE?
For me, as a recovering sexual addict, this was the book I needed most for my own purity journey.  I’ll be leading our Saturday morning sexual addiction support group through Taking Every Thought Captive first.  Many in our group are developing good strategies to deal with our bad sexual behaviors, but our biggest battles are fought in our mind.

Many men I’ve talked with don’t believe they can have pure minds – not really.  If they can stop looking at porn or masturbating, they feel like they’ve reached a major milestone – and they have!  But they impure thoughts are too much to get under control.

Taking Every Thought Captive offers men hope that a healthy thought life is possible and teaches men how to the deep places to make it happen.

 

BOOK 2 – Taking Every Thought Captive

  • What thoughts are we talking about taking captive, not just sexual thoughts, right?
  • Some would say “I just need more of Jesus to deal with my thought life.  More Bible, prayer and worship.”  How would you respond to this?
  • Others would say controlling our thought life is about our objects of affection.  If I love Jesus the most and He’s the biggest thing in my mind I won’t have thought problems.
  • “Thought life” has a negative connotation to it to many.  How do you see it?
  • Is it more about redeeming our thought life?
  • The back half of this book talks about fantasy and vision.  What is the difference between “fantasy” and “vision”?
  • I was surprised how much attention you have to brain chemistry and brain health in this book.  How much of a factor is it for those you counsel?  Major? Something we need to be aware of? Different with different ages and phases of life?
  • How are support groups / 12-step groups doing when it comes to L/T solutions to sobriety?
  • I’ve talked with a lot of men that don’t really believe they can take their thoughts captive They feel like it’s too big of a battle.  How would you encourage them?

4 PODCAST INTERVIEWS WITH DR. LAASER

#1  General Questions and Introduction to the Man of Valor Series – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#2  Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#3  Taking Every Thought Captive – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#4  Becoming a Man of Valor – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

 

MEET DR. MARK LAASER

Dr. Mark Laaser is an internationally known author and speaker who has written several books, including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Pornography Trap.  He and his wife Debbie started Faithful and True Ministries to counsel couples healing from sexual addiction.

www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

Book Review: The Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men by Dr. Mark Laaser

December 20, 2011

MEN OF VALOR SERIES BOOK 1:  THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES OF HIGHLY ACCOUNTABLE MEN http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/the-seven-priniciples-of-highly-accountable-men/ It would be cruel if I reviewed this book and didn’t list the seven principles for you, so here they are: Accountability begins with brokenness, confession and repentance. Accountability requires your being able to talk about your feelings and needs. Accountability [...]

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Accountability, Pure Thoughts, Pure Life: Men of Valor Series by Dr. Mark Laaser

December 19, 2011

I think these books could save you about $1000 in counseling fees. Of course, reading books don’t replace the personal attention and specialized training you get from a counselor.  But if you had a chance to sit with one of the most respected Christian counselors in the sexual addiction recovery field, wouldn’t you want to [...]

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Podcast: Expert Advice From 15 Years of Helping Sexual Addicts – Jerry Sinclair of Faithful and True

December 17, 2011

PORN TO PURITY PODCAST TOP RESOURCES FOR SEXUAL PURITY Podcast:  “Expert Advice From 15 Years of Helping Sexual Addicts” Jeff Fisher interviews Jerry Sinclair Click HERE to Download or Listen to the Show (26 min) Bonus Podcast:  “How Churches Can Help Sexual Strugglers” Jerry Sinclair Click HERE to Download or Listen to the Bonus Show [...]

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A Pastor Finds Freedom From Secret Sexual Sins – An Interview With Pastor Fred Rochester

December 12, 2011

PORN TO PURITY PODCAST Pastor Fred Rochester of Prevailing Word Bible Church The Secret Sexual Sins Podcast Every once in a while I’ll do a search on I-Tunes for new podcasts on “sexual addiction recovery”, “pornography addiction”, or “sexual purity” ** Be careful doing these searches, OK? There’s a good selection.  Some are sermons on [...]

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Great Sexual Addiction Resources in the Raleigh, NC Area

December 9, 2011

Marsha and I live just outside of Raleigh, NC.  We’re amazed at the number of people we meet through our website who live nearby. Eventually, I’ll create a Raleigh page on our resource tab.  But for now, I wanted to share some of the best resources in our area. ** Note ** We have a [...]

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Counseling the Sexual Addict: Interview With My Counselor Dr. Jerry Lankford, pt.2

December 9, 2011

THE PORN TO PURITY PODCAST A SPECIAL INTERVIEW   TODAY’S EPISODE:  Jeff of Porn to Purity interviews his own counselor and part of his support team, Dr. Jerry Lankford. As co-founder and president of Lifecare Counseling & Coaching, Jerry provides individual, marriage and family counseling.  He works with clients who suffer from mood disorders such [...]

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