Jeff and I recently participated in a small group study of John and Stasi Eldredge’s book “Love and War: Finding Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage.” The book was great and hit on several concepts that were new to me and opened my eyes to why marriage can feel so impossible at times. The concept that challenged me most was John and Stasi’s discussion on “making agreements.”
WHAT IS AN AGREEMENT?
An “agreement” is a subtle and seemingly harmless statement that crosses our mind when we are unhappy with our spouse. It may sound like, “She always makes us late” or “He never remembers to take out the trash.” John and Stacy showed me that this minor thought is actually a potent tool of the Enemy. It is his way of putting his foot into our marriage relationships. Once his foot is planted agreements take root. Over time we begin to define our spouses by these agreements we’ve made, instead of by the truths that brought us together as a couple to begin with. I no longer look at my husband as the loving provider God brought into my life to lead me spiritually. Instead, I feel disdain as I look at the loser I married who can’t even remember to take out the trash.
SHOW ME THE AGREEMENTS AND HELP ME BREAK THEM
The authors suggest you address these dangerous agreements in your marriage by first going to God and asking him to begin to reveal them to you. And then put on your seatbelts. As the Lord begins to show you areas where you have made agreements, break those agreements like you would a contract.
For me, breaking agreements sounded something like this, “Lord thank you for revealing to me that I made this agreement long ago against Jeff. It’s not true that he always embarrasses me and I break this agreement in your name Jesus. Lord, I know Jeff loves me and his heart is good. He is not perfect God and neither am I. Lord help me see the truth and not fall for the Enemy’s lies.”
I was shocked at how many agreements the Lord revealed to me in the days following my reading of this chapter. It was as if a tidal wave was unleashed, once I became aware of its presence in my Christian journey. And it wasn’t just agreements in my marriage. I found myself challenged to break agreements at work, among friendships and among family members. How could I be so influenced by the Enemy’s lies for so long and not realize it until now? What more is there that I’m not aware of yet?
I discovered that some of the agreements I had made were about my marriage in general, not specifically about my husband. Hopeless thoughts like “Our marriage was a mistake” or “I’ll never be happy” were more destructive lies from the Enemy that I had accepted as truth.
SOME AGREEMENTS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS
I also found that some agreements were much more difficult to break than others. One afternoon I was meeting with our Christian counselor who has been walking with us down the road of marriage recovery for the last several years. While it was just a regular maintenance visit, she touched on something that immediately hit a nerve. From early in our marriage, I felt like Jeff had not tried hard enough to win my father’s approval. As we discussed this, I recognized that I had build a skyscraper of agreements based on that one lie. Yet when I tried to break that agreement, even with my counselor’s help, I felt like I was in a spiritual battle zone. It was physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausting. I wanted immediate freedom from that burden but it felt like it had a lock on my soul. I did find freedom, but it did not come easy and I felt physically and spiritually bruised for several days after. I had never experienced anything that intense in my life and again I wondered, how could the Enemy have such a deep grip without my knowledge for all these years?
In other situations, I have had to ask Jeff to come pray with me to break an agreement. Imagine how awkward that could be? “Honey, can you pray with me so I could break that agreement about you being a jerk.” “Sure sweety, be right there.” Fortunately, Jeff and I were going through the book study together and were both finding freedom through breaking agreements. So when we spent the morning tearing apart the house looking for my keys, AGAIN, Jeff joked that he was breaking agreements while he looked.
As we both began to break agreements about each other and our marriage, we began to experience healing in areas of our marriage that have been trouble spots for many, many years. I began to feel a closeness to Jeff that I had never felt, which says to me that “agreements” had been keeping me enjoying the emotional intimacy with my husband. But as those agreements were broken, the relationship that God intended for me to enjoy with my husband all along began to grow.
A SENSITIVITY TO NEW AGREEMENTS
Breaking agreements has been a life-changing, marriage changing concept for me. It has also led to another major shift in how I control negative thoughts towards my husband. Now, when I sense myself beginning to make an agreement, I remind myself that my husband already has an Enemy. I never want to stand in agreement with the Enemy, especially when he is attacking my husband. On the other hand, as Jeff’s wife, I always want to stand with Christ as his encourager, supporter and helpmate.
This mindset has begun to transcended my marriage and impacted the way I respond to negative thoughts about others that I encounter at work, in the community; even those who are hurtful towards me. No matter how angry I might be at someone, I still don’t want to stand arm in arm with the Enemy and condemn them.
I also take it a step further and ask, what does this agreement say about me? Am I being judgmental? Do I feel threatened? Am I feeling unloved? I have struggled all my life with self-righteousness and perfectionism. This technique is proving to be a very practical way to fight that tendency to put myself above others, by giving me a visual snapshot of who I link arms with when I’m tempted to past judgment on others.
I encourage you to check out John and Stasi Eldredge’s book Love and War and let me know if anything jumps out at you. Even better, read through it with a handful of couples. You will find out that yours is not the only marriage in the pew that is less than picture perfect, but thankfully there is hope for us all.
SOME AGREEMENTS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS TO BREAK
Tomorrow Marsha will share how she worked through some of the harder agreements she has believed about her marriage and her husband.
Q: What are you learning about agreements?
Q: How have you been able to break the lies you’ve believed about marriage and about your spouse?
marsha@porntopurity.com
