2012

God Loves Me, Junk and All

by Jeff Fisher on May 15, 2012

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There’s a key lesson I’ve missed about God for a while: God loves me, junk and all.

I don’t have to clean myself up. I don’t have to have my life together to come to Him. I just need to show up, junk and all.

Listen to what it says in:

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 8:1-2 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”

Romans 8:35-39 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

There are some key truths here:

1. God loved us as sinners

2. In Jesus, we are not condemned

3. Nothing separates us from God’s love

I’ve known these truths for a long time, most of my Christian life. I didn’t think much of them until I my sexual sin blew up my life. I became very aware of my sins. I lost my job and church family. I hurt my family and many loved ones. My sin, the pain, and the consequences weighed heavy on me. It changed the way I thought about God. For the first time I saw myself as a sinner, and my immediate reaction to that was to run and hide.

Back to the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve, I try to run and hide from God.

A self-hatred began to emerge. I had messed up big time. I fell into despair and patches of hopelessness, and began to hate myself.

Intellectually, my mind spiraled down too. I started to believe the lie that God must hate me too. If I hate me, and I’m no good, God must feel the same way.

This is where Truth comes in. These verses in Romans fly in the face of my self-hatred and false image of God. God has never changed in his live for me and acceptance through Jesus.

I spent a year doing a podcast called Top Verses For Sexual Purity podcast. You can find these shows on I-Tunes. Just go to our Top Tips For Sexual Purity feed and go to any of the Season 2 shows. In this podcast series I looked at bible verses that related to sexual purity and shared my thoughts on them.

There are two lights that go on when I read God’s Word:

1. I understand what it’s saying (hits my head)

2. I believe what it’s telling me to do (hits my heart)

God’s Spirit helps us with both.

Sometimes, there is a tension when I read God’s Word. I hit a point of belief / unbelief. I hear these verses in Romans that God loves me junk and all. I know that they say that God does not change and nothing I do can separate me from His love. But it may take a while for me to believe that. I feel the tension. God’s Word is trying to bust up my false belief that God hates me because of all the bad things I have done.

Where are you with believing that God loves you junk and all?

I didn’t start believing this until I entered a Christian men’s sexual addiction support group. I was sharing my junk with these men and they were not condemning me. They listened. They were respectful. They did not shame me. They accepted and even loved me.

I started to get this feeling that this was how God operated with me. He used other men who understood junk to teach me that He loved me junk and all.

Of course I’m not saying that God approves of my sexual behaviors. Neither did the men in my support group. But they were able to see below the behaviors and value me as a person.

That’s part of the message of the Gospel. God loving ME junk and all.

–

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

10 Commandments of Oneness

by Jeff Fisher on May 15, 2012

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Recently, I reviewed Sexperiment:  7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse by Ed and Lisa Young.

They have come up with a list of commandments for their marriage to help them maintain oneness (pages 68-69).  There are some good purity tips in here and some good marriage tips.  Ed & Lisa encourage couples to come up with their own list.

1.        I shall have no other human relationship before Lisa/Ed.

2.       Remember date night and keep it holy.

3.       Honor Lisa/Ed on anniversary and special days so that I may live long in the land the Lord has given me.

4.       I shall not take the covenant of marriage in vain.

5.       I shall not ride in a car or eat in a restaurant alone with a member of the opposite sex.

6.       I shall not travel alone.

7.       I shall not counsel with a member of the opposite sex alone behind closed doors.

8.       I shall not share the details of my marriage with others.

9.       I shall not watch, read, or expose myself to sexually explicit shows, books, websites, etc.

10.   I shall remember the implications of committing adultery.

–
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

1.0   – Book Review:  Jeff Reviews Sexperiment

2.0   – 7 Benefits of Sexual Intimacy

3.0   – 10 Commandments of Oneness

4.0   – Intimacy Blockers in Marriage

5.0   – 8 Sex-Builders For Marriage

6.0   – Does Your Marriage Have a High “MWE”?

7 Benefits of Sexual Intimacy

by Jeff Fisher on May 10, 2012

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Recently, I reviewed Sexperiment:  7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse by Ed and Lisa Young.  On pages 60-63 of their book they have a great list of benefits of sexual intimacy for married couples.

1.       Sexual intimacy in marriage fulfills God’s purpose – God authored sex.  It is a gift to married couples for bonding, recreation & procreation.

2.       Sexual intimacy in marriage reveals our true self – Intimacy is the revealing of ourselves.  Oneness.  Openness.  We become emotionally, spiritually & physically naked.

3.       Sexual intimacy in marriage thwarts sexual temptation – Temptation gets us off track.  When couples focus on marital intimacy, it is a “keep on track” deterrent.

4.       Sexual intimacy in marriage establishes a legacy – When we are practicing intimacy and bonding with our spouse it bleeds out into our daily lives.  Others will benefit from the overflow.  Our kids will know that their parents worked on staying connected and growing their marriage.

5.       Sexual intimacy in marriage helps us bring our best – To have good intimacy couples have to learn to practice kindness, courtesy, unselfishness, forgiveness & serving one another.

6.       Sexual intimacy in marriage helps us concentrate on our spouse – This is the serving of one another that happens with a healthy relationship.  Dying to self.  Putting the other person first.  We need more practice at this, especially if we have had struggles with sexual addiction.

7.       Sexual intimacy in marriage cultivates creativity – Healthy couples have learned the keep the flames fanned by creating new experiences.  They go new places.  Have new adventures.  Explore in the bedroom.  God wants us to use our creativity in and out of the bedroom.

–
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

1.0   – Book Review:  Jeff Reviews Sexperiment

2.0   – 7 Benefits of Sexual Intimacy

3.0   – 10 Commandments of Oneness

4.0   – Intimacy Blockers in Marriage

5.0   – 8 Sex-Builders For Marriage

6.0   – Does Your Marriage Have a High “MWE”?

Sexperiment – 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse (book review)

by Jeff Fisher on May 8, 2012

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QUICK SUMMARY –Sexperiment encourages married couples to have sex 7 days in a row.  The challenge is a gateway to couples rediscovering intimacy, serving one another and the importance of making time for each other.  The book is easy to read, engaging, and exciting.  The book doesn’t fail to address hard or sensitive topics.  It is Christ-centered and full of Scripture and biblical wisdom about sex and intimacy.  At the end of each chapter are discussion questions, wisdom to engaged couples (Before You Do), and wisdom to singles (The Yoke is Not a Joke).

AUTHORS – Ed Young is Pastor of the very large Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas.  He and his wife Lisa have authored several books separately and together.

Sexperiment:  7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse
Ed and Lisa Young
FaithWords Publishing
212 pages

—

WOW!  SEVEN DAYS OF SEX?
Q:  What do you think of this challenge, without even reading the book?

·         Awesome!  I’ve been wanting to have more sex with my spouse!

·         Oh, no!  This is the last thing I want!

·         This book must be written by a man… they want sex all the time!

·         The idea of this scares me to death!

·         How can 7 days of sex change my marriage?

I heard all of these voices before I read this book.

The Sexperiment challenge a jumpstart to intimacy, not a fix-all.  The authors make that clear in the first chapter.  They believe the Sexperiment will force married couples to carve time for each other, talk about issues, listen to each other, serve each other, and play together (priorities often lost in marriages).

THE BIGGEST HURDLE FOR ME WITH THIS BOOK
The way this challenge is packaged is careless.

The initial impression is:  “Having Sex for 7 days in a row will revolutionize my marriage.”  It seems no different from an infomercial that advertises magic weight loss pills, 10 easy steps to making a million dollars, or 90 days to looking like a men’s magazine fitness model.

That’s not what the book is about.  Even though the authors dismiss this thought train in the first chapter, it took me several chapters to flush the “infomercial filter” out of my mind.

The thesis of the book should be more clearly defined:   “Having sex for 7 days in a row can be a useful tool to help you rediscover true intimacy in your marriage.”

There are actually two hurdles you have to jump over before you get to the meat of this book:

1.       Our pre-conceived ideas of what we think this book is about

2.       The need to better define the purpose of the challenge

GIMMIE THE GUTS!
I think the guts of this book are great.  It is easy to read and interesting.  The authors are good communicators.  There is a lot of sound biblical advice about marriage, intimacy and sex.

Sexperiment is really a marriage book with a sex emphasis.

The authors help the reader understand that intimacy is not just physical.  True intimacy happens on emotional, relational, and spiritual levels too.  This 7-day project of focusing on sexual intimacy is intended to be a catalyst for the other types of intimacy.

Readers of this book are also reminded:

·         Intimacy takes work and commitment.

·         Kids, work, and our personal interests can take us over marriage.  We have to put our marriage back on the top of the priority list.

·         Barriers to intimacy (pornography, lust, masturbation, infidelity, unforgiveness, abuse) need to be removed.

·         True Intimacy is the oneness and nakedness talked about in Genesis.  We are working to get back there.

THREE HELPFUL FEATURES AT THE END OF EACH CHAPTER

1.       Discussion questions – This is a good book to read with your spouse and go slowly through.  There are not

Note – The book is not a 7-day devotional for couples going through this challenge.   It is a regular book on marriage with discussion questions.

2.       Before You Do – Special words to engaged couples.  Brilliant!

3.       The Yoke is Not a Joke – Special instructions to singles.  Brilliant x2!

JEFF’S LAST THOUGHTS
I hate that I have to struggle through “what I think the book is about” before I start liking the book.  I’m 5 years into my recovery from sexual addiction.  I’m sure that has something to do with it.  But my wife felt the same way about the title of the book.  Members of my support group did too.  We thought it was going to be a shallow book with a gimmicky 7-day challenge.  I’m glad we were wrong.

I think you’ll have an easier time, picking up the book and using it as a tool for marital and sexual intimacy.  I believe this book will point your marriage in the right direction.

Q:  Did my wife and I take the 7-day Sexperiment Challenge?

None of your business!

–
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

1.0   – Book Review:  Jeff Reviews Sexperiment

2.0   – 7 Benefits of Sexual Intimacy

3.0   – 10 Commandments of Oneness

4.0   – Intimacy Blockers in Marriage

5.0   – 8 Sex-Builders For Marriage

6.0   – Does Your Marriage Have a High “MWE”?

 

 

Listening – Critical to Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on May 7, 2012

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The quicker you learn the importance of listening, the better off you’ll be in your sexual purity.

If you are seeking to be sexually pure, or recovering from sexual sin you’re not going to learn anything if you do all the talking.

 

 

THE “ALL ABOUT ME” PHASE
When a person comes into recovery, the pain is real.  They are at their end.  Parts of their life may have fallen apart.  Secret behaviors were discovered.  They are in a lot of pain, and probably haven’t talked to many people about it.

People in pain want to talk about their pain.  They don’t know anything else.  They know they are hurting and miserable and have to work it out.

They are generally not in a “listening mode”.

The job of the friend, counselor, or support group is to listen and let him vent.  They need to be supportive and loving and not try to offer stacks of advice.

THE “I’VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT” PHASE
Even worse than the “all about me” phase is when a person thinks he has all the answers.  More talking ensues.  He has his problems figured out.  He has all the answers.  Everything will be fine.  His weeks are always good with no struggles.

Sometimes this happens when a person starts getting a little bit of knowledge about his sexual recovery.  Maybe he reads a book that turns some lights on.  Maybe he shares the truth for the first time and feels freed.  It’s good to be here, but a person is probably still talking too much.

When we think we’ve got it all figured out, we don’t listen to the wisdom of others.

THE “WHAT NOW?” PHASE
When a person stops talking, and starts listening, it’s a glorious thing!  It might happen after a relapse or failure.  It might happen during a withdrawal phase, or grief phase.  There may be a consequence that knocks him off his pedestal to get him to the point of not knowing what to do.

At some point, a person in recovery starts saying, “I don’t have thquestion-marke answers.  I don’t know what to do.  What now?”

This person is ready.  Ready to hear others stories and wisdom.  Ready to listen to the Holy Spirit and to the guidance of God’s Word.  We listen best when we run out of solutions.  When we run out of ourselves.

SOME ADVICE FROM JEFF
I was in this phase for about 8 months.  It was all about me and my consequences.  I had a lot of loss in my life and it made my grief phase difficult.  My situation changed only as I started to listen to others.

So puke it out early.  Share.  Dump out your story.  You need to talk about it.  Then shut your lips for a while and listen to others.  They have a lot to say.

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Top Tips 027 – The Dangers of “Checking Out” Emotionally

May 6, 2012

Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download THE DANGERS OF CHECKING OUT EMOTIONALLY In a couple of days my wife will get over it. Let me take my medicine now. I just want to get it over with. This will be over eventually. It will all be forgotten about. I’m going to take the beating. [...]

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Yoda Was Wrong on This One!

May 4, 2012

Our sexual sin does not brand us forevery. Find hope and learn the truth…

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Top Tips 026 – Figure Out Your Emotional Age

May 3, 2012

Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download This may be the newest Top Tip I’m learning.  Each of us has an emotional age.  We do well to figure it out. Recovery is not just about stopping our sexual behaviors.  It’s about being transformed emotionally, relationally, intellectually & spiritually.  All of the other areas work with [...]

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Core Lies I Believed While Trapped in Bi-Sexuality

May 2, 2012

Yesterday, guest blogger Amy of the Walking In Freedom blog shared her struggles with bi-sexuality and lesbianism and the slow process God used to free her. — It no longer felt like part of my identity. I realize that this may sound over-simplified to some people, but this is truly what happened for me. It [...]

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Healing and Deliverance From Bi-Sexuality

May 1, 2012

“When Healing and Deliverance Comes Slowly” – Guest Blogger Amy of Walking in Freedom.net I spent many years feeling like I had a secret I could never share with anyone. I felt with every fiber of my being that I was bi-sexual. Sometimes I can even look back and see myself questioning whether I was [...]

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Great Resources: Free E-Books on Porn, Masturbation, Accountability

April 30, 2012

How about a couple of free e-books today? I love that there are guys out there, putting out great content to help us with our sexual purity and sexual recovery.

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