Battles We Fight

Top Tips 025 – It Takes Courage to Get Free

by Jeff Fisher on April 29, 2012

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Some of you are more courageous than me.

I never shared my sexual struggles.  I isolated.  I covered up.  I hid.  I guarded myself from getting too close to others.  Even when I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit over my sexual sin, I pushed Him away.  I did not have the guts to come forward and seek help.

I thought I could handle my struggles.  I thought I was strong enough to overcome them.  Eventually, I thought, I’ll get to a place where I could “outholy” my hangups with my righteous devotion and spiritual disciplines.  Or maybe I would outgrow my desire for sexual content.  The bomb kept growing and ticking in my life.

My heart was hardened, my understanding was darkened, and I had no idea how far I had strayed from God’s calling to purity.  After a while, the conviction the Holy Spirit sent me was a distant pang.  I barely felt Him or heard Him.  I didn’t get help until my bomb went off.

I got caught looking at porn on a work computer.  I was asked to resign my ministry and leave the area because of it.  I almost lost my family in the process.  It took a blow like this to get my attention.  The bomb brought the humbling and brokenness I was missing.  But the carnage was greater because I hid my secrets.

If I had the courage to share my secret sexual sins the consequences might not have been so painful.

I’m impressed with those who email, call our Google Voice line, or approach me after church on Sunday to get help for their sexual sin.  They are taking a brave step.  It takes a lot of _________ [guts, balls, courage] to share your junk with another person.

A SMALL STEP IS HUGE FOR THE STRUGGLER
Sure it’s only an email or a phone call, but it’s GIGANTIC for the man or woman who has been hiding for years, never telling a soul of their secret struggles.  Of course they’ll have to take other, more painful steps to get clean.  But it is a step in the right direction.

I was so paralyzed by my fears I couldn’t take one step.  I was so conflicted with my sexual sin, I had to rationalize it and minimize it so I could continue living with myself.  My self-deception became so bad I began to believe that God was OK with my sinning, that He somehow tolerated it.

Some of you are sitting in the same pocket of fear and internal conflict I experienced.  Are you ready to be courageous and reach out for help?

It’s only a matter of time before your deeds of darkness will be exposed.  At some point, you will slip up.  You will get caught.  You will forget to wipe the history on your browser or cover the tracks of your secret relationship.  Or, perhaps, God will allow your spouse or boss to figure it out.  I thought I had covered my tracks on the office computer.  It was weeks later that my pornographic surfing was found out.  It is not hard for God to open the eyes of others so we get caught.

I hope you will be courageous.

Walking in truth.  Confessing your sins.  Repenting of your sinful behaviors.  Seeking help from safe, skilled people.  These are the keys to victory.

—

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Magazines: I Still Feel the Pull

by Jeff Fisher on April 5, 2012

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On Tuesday’s blog I shared about a big set of triggers for me:  magazines, catalogs and newspaper circulars.  Setting up boundaries, a strategy, and accountability has helped me a lot, but it hasn’t removed the “pull” I sometimes feel when I get around magazines.

I wanted to explore that some more.  I welcome your comments and thoughts:  jeff@porntopurity.com

I STILL STRUGGLE
I have 30+ years of practice flipping through magazines.  It’s a tough ritual to break.  It can be challenging in book stores and grocery stores.  I can still feel the pull.

This week I was our local grocery store.  I saw the magazines in the check out line.  I didn’t touch them, pick them up, or flip through.  And I still felt a pull.  I wanted to look.  I wanted to flip through.

I have to say “No” and keep moving.  It’s hard to avoid these triggers.  I can’t very easily grocery shop without walking by magazines.  But I have to be on guard and not lower my boundaries and personal strategy.

THE NEED BEHIND THE PULL
I’m reminded as I write that anytime I feel a pull to act out with magazines, there’s something behind that.  I have some sort of need in my heart that makes me want to go there.  It might be that I’m still breaking away from the ritual of flipping through magazines – it does have a long history.  But there’s usually some emotional need.

When I was triggered the other day I remembered that I was tired, going to the grocery store late, and needed some personal connections.  Anytime I’m tired, I’m more vulnerable.  Anytime I’m stressed, I’m vulnerable.  Anytime I’m in need to relational closeness, I’m vulnerable.

And at my deepest level, my heart is crying out for God.  My pull is a hole or wound in my heart that needs the living, healing, fulfilling waters of God.

REMEMBERING SOME TRUTHS
It’s easy to believe a host of lies about magazines:

  • They’re harmless
  • It won’t hurt to look
  • You just want to look for articles, recipes, or whatever
  • I can flip past anything that’s a problem
  • It’s not the same as masturbating or looking at porn on the computer.  Not a big deal.
  • It’s not my fault they got left around the house.
  • I’ll just look for a second

It helps me be reminded of some truths about magazines.

Magazines were a quick way for me to feed my needs in an unhealthy way.  Magazines are easy & accessible.  They offer a quick and sometimes intense blast of visual stimulation.  They open the doorway to fantasy and lust.

Magazines have been a ritual for me.  I have a very intimate, long-term relationship with magazines.  I’m emotionally tied to having magazines.  It’s not easy to break from.

Magazines were not pornographic, so I didn’t view them as bad.  But they are bad.  I take the pictures from magazines and go in directions that are not glorifying to God.

Magazines pictures and models are not personal.  They make it easy for me to objectify women.  They keep me in a mode of dehumanizing women.  I don’t know these women.  I don’t know their stories, their faults, their struggles, their hurts, their families.  I imagine they are there to please me.  But this is not reality.  I am easily drawn into the fantasy world with magazines.  I do not see these women as created in the image of God and real people.

I’m 4 years into my sexual addiction recovery and this Pull has gotten better.  But it’s a struggle I have to continue to be diligent about.  Flipping through magazines has a strong gravitational pull for me.

It’s best if I keep a large distance.

Feedback: jeff@porntopurity.com

The Blessings of Masturbation & The Other Side of the Coin

by Jeff Fisher on February 29, 2012

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Mike Genung’s book The Road to Grace: Finding True Freedom From the Bondage of Sexual Addiction shares his story of recovery of sexual sin and many of the lessons he’s learning about sexual addiction recovery.  He has a great chart in the book on the blessings and other side of masturbation.

THE BLESSINGS OF MASTURBATION

  • It feels good for a few seconds.
  • I can have an orgasm.
  • I can do it alone.
  • I don’t need to please my wife.
  • I can feed my sexual desires all I want.
  • I can deal with my urges when they hit.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

  • The loneliness, emptiness and shame last a lot longer than the fun part.
  • Promotes the instant gratification (“all about me”) way of life.
  • No connection, bonding or warmth with another person.
  • The spouse is robbed emotionally and physically.
  • Self-absorption and sex-obsession develops.
  • Violates the principle in God’s word that we are not to be mastered by our urges.
  • Violates the “marriage only” context of God’s word.
  • Violates the “comfort of Christ” principle in God’s word.
  • Separation from God.
  • Masturbation softens and warps the character.
  • Masturbation is used as a false coping mechanism for dealing with life.
  • Masturbation is often used with pornography and sexual fantasy, which is clearly sin.

(Adapted from The Road to Grace, pp. 85-86)

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Read Jeff’s Book Review of The Road to Grace – HERE

6 Reasons We Should Tell Our Wives About Our Sexual Struggles (Tues)

The Blessings of Masturbation & The Other Side of the Coin (Wed)

Big Recovery Tip:  Connect With the Grace of God (Thurs)

Tips For Wives of Sexual Addicts (Fri)

CONTACT
jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Jeff’s Recent Travel Strategy

by Jeff Fisher on November 4, 2011

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Recently, I took our boys to visit my parents in Texas.  Prior to my leaving, I put together a travel strategy and emailed it to 4 guys in my support group.  It worked pretty well.  I thought I would share it with you.

AIRPORT
Issues:  A public place.  Lots of foot traffic.  Nicely-dressed women & teenage girls.  Magazine racks.  Newspapers lying around.

My Strategy
–Take my own reading material, DVDs
–No flipping through magazines
–Keep my focus on my boys
–Keep eyes moving

COMPUTER
Issues: My parents have an unprotected computer.  It’s in a public place, but it’s not hard to sneak some bad sites in.

My Strategy
–When I use the computer, get in and out.
–Keep times on computer short and very intentional
–Work on blogs or website stuff; check email
–No surfing

TV
Issues: We have multiple TVs at my parent’s house, with cable.  There are no movie channels, but there are no blocks on any of the channels.

My Strategy
–Stick with good channels
–Try to watch TV in sight of others or with boys
–No TV after boys have fallen asleep

MAGAZINES
Issues: I have frequently acted out with magazines and looked for sexy ads.  There are no filthy magazines at my parent’s house, but the ads and the fashion pages are all I need to have problems.

My Strategy
–No reason for me to flip through magazines, exception Consumer Reports
–Same with newspapers

TAKING NAPS
Issues: Naps have been a frequent issue for me.  The bed is a place where I’ve acted out a lot, and I can get very triggery when I’m tired, alone, and in a soft bed.

My Strategy
–Keep naptimes to a minimum

OTHER ACTIONS THAT HELPED WITH MY PURITY
–Stay focused on boys and parents.
–Talk to Marsha several times a day.
–Have Marsha pray for me while I’m gone.
–Call a guy from group every day to check in.
–Work on my personal writing during down times.
–Carving out time for my relationship with God.

A BREAKDOWN OF ALL THE RECOVERY PRINCIPLES AT WORK
Here’s a quick list of the major recovery principles at work in my strategy.

  • ID your triggers
  • Build strategies around your triggers
  • Share your strategies
  • Set up roadblocks
  • Get accountability
  • Focus on healthy actions
  • Make phone calls
  • Pour your energy outward toward other people, rather than inward toward yourself

SO HOW DID IT GO, JEFF?
It went quite well.  I had a lot of strength.  I felt prepared and stayed engaged.

I was tempted at times, especially near the end of my trip, but stayed on course.  It was nice to share with my wife about my victorious travel time.  It will be nice to share with the guys from our recovery group tomorrow morning.

–

I hope this helps you out a bit in your strategy planning.

FEEDBACK
jeff@porntopurity.com

Why WE Can’t Stop Sexual Sin

by Jeff Fisher on September 27, 2011

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stop_it

I thought this would complement yesterday’s blog on Why We Can’t Stop? Be sure to check out the You Tube link – Bob Newhart’s classic “Stop It!” routine.

 

Don’t you wish we could just STOP doing our sexual sin?  If you’re like me, you’ve tried 1000 times to stop.  But we just keep coming back to that same behavior.  A string of attempts, and a bigger string of failures.  I try to control myself, but instead find my sin is controlling me.

This is how an addiction works.  This is also what bondage looks like.

I continue to realize that I cannot stop my sexual sin.  But it doesn’t mean that all is hopeless and that I’m trapped.

WE HAVE TOO MANY PROBLEMS
1.  Heart problem - It’s not the behavior, it’s our hearts.  Our hearts are selfish, conditioned, and driven by our lusts.  Our hearts want what is easy and makes us feel good.

2.  Sin Problem – Our core, apart from Christ, is sinful.  Our natural desire is to go the wrong way.  Our sin nature controls us.

3.  Chemical Problem – Addiction feeds off the chemical highs.  We have caused the chemicals in our brains to go crazy when we look at porn, fantasize, masturbate and have sex.  Our brains crave more and more.

4.  Learned Behavior Problem – We have conditioned ourselves to act out in unhealthy ways.  And we’ve probably been doing it for decades.  The paths of sexual behavior are “well worn” paths.  It makes charting new paths extremely difficult.

5.  Emotional Problem – We have emotional needs and hurts that we are trying to medicate with lust, masturbation, and porn.  They are an undercurrent that feeds our addiction.

A FOUR-PART SOLUTION
If we are to be freed from sexual sin, we must open give up our efforts to try and fix ourselves.  We must surrender to God’s help and the help of others.

question-mark1.  God - God is the only one who can get down into our hearts and work on the deep stuff is Christ.

2.  Support Group - A healthy support group is not just an addiction group.  It could be a combination of your family, your friends, your wife, or your pastor.  These are your cheerleaders, your encouragers.

3.  Wise People - Different from our support group, these are the people that can give us the insight we need about ourselves to work on the deeper stuff.  They can help identify blindspots and weaknesses.

4.  My Part - We do have a part, it’s just different.  It involves surrender to God, submission to others, and a commitment to the process.  These must all be done on a daily basis.


BobNewhartBOB NEWHART’S “STOP IT” ROUTINE
Here’s a great comedy bit that Bob Newhart did called “Stop It!”  Enjoy a good laugh today:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=PlayList&p=6B68C3EC0F5CF992&index=0

Basic Purity Tips – Football Style

September 11, 2011

Purity isn’t just sexual purity.  There’s a broader definition for us as Christian men.  We don’t want to allow anything into our heart, mind, soul, or body that twists God’s creation.  We don’t want to be drawn or attached to anything that steals us away from glorifying God. Ps. 101:3 “I will set my eyes [...]

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How To Be Sexually Pure in Only 30 Days?

August 22, 2011

Is is possible to be completely sexually pure in 30 days?

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8 Things I Surrender Everyday

August 19, 2011

I wanted to share with you a list of things I pray for and surrender to God each day as I continue in my recovery.

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How Do You Know You Have an Addiction?

August 4, 2011

This show was originally one of my Top Tips For Sexual Purity podcasts Click here to download or listen to the show Dr. Mark Lasser is one of the current authorities on sexual addiction.  In his book Faithful and True he gives us five characteristics of addictive behavior.  I’ve listed  characterisitics are in the shownotes on [...]

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How to Work on Your Fantasy Life – Part 2

July 22, 2011

Yesterday, we offered 7 tips to help you deal with your fantasy life, today we offer 7 more things that have been very helpful for Jeff and for many others.

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How to Work on Your Fantasy Life – Part 1

July 21, 2011

So many guys and gals deal with sexual fantasy. Today and tomorrow we want to share 14 tips to help you deal with your fantasy life.

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