Battles We Fight

Thoughts on Masturbation

by Jeff Fisher on October 28, 2014

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Struggle within

One of the biggest questions we hear from our readers trying to be sexually pure is:  “Is it OK to masturbate?”

They want to know:

  • Is it an acceptable behavior?
  • Is it healthy?
  • Is it OK as long as I’m not having sex or looking at porn?
  • Is it OK as long as I’m thinking about my wife?
  • Is it OK if I’m not thinking about anyone?
  • Will I go to Hell for masturbating? 

Here’s a list of resources that can be found on Porn to Purity.com to help you work through this important issue.  All resources are from sexual addiction recovery ministries, counselors, or very good authorites on biblical and personal matters. 


p2plogo3dBLOGS FROM PORN TO PURITY.COM ON MASTURBATION

Can I Masturbate and Be OK?  PART 1, PART 2

How to Stop Masturbating

 

tension-fracture

 

THOUGHTS FROM OTHER MINISTRIES ON MASTURBATION

When is masturbation in a marriage OK?
from a question to the Focus on the Family Marriage Forum

Isn’t masturbation ok if it keeps you from acting out in your sexual sin?
from the Q&A section of the Pure Life Ministries website

“What’s Wrong with Masturbation, Anyway?”
from Probe Ministries

Is masturbation a sin?
from Be Broken Ministries

Is there anything good about masturbation?
from Be Broken Ministries

Masturbation
from the free e-book:
Porn-Again Christian:
A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men
by Pastor Mark Driscoll
Mars Hill Church, Seattle

 

AUDIO PODCASTS / MESSAGES ON MASTURBATION
The Truth About Masturbation (podcast)
from Be Broken Ministries
Link to Website
MP3 Link

Can I Ever Have a Clean Mind?

by Jeff Fisher on October 26, 2014

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This question came from a listener to my Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast (I-Tunes).  I’m sure many of you wonder if your mind will ever get clean? 

Q:  I’m worried the pornographic images I’ve looked at will never go away and will affect me and my marriage in the future.  What do you think?   Can I have a clean mind?

Some guys are able to heal deeply from the images and objectifying.  The more you let the Lord heal past wounds and hurts the better it will be.  Building sobriety from porn and masturbation will help a lot.  And when you start to move from selfishness to serving others, loving others, connecting with others it will help too.  As you head God’s direction, repent, and walk in righteousness He will ignite your passion for the things that are on His heart.

I can’t say that the porn you have viewed and sexual boundaries you have crossed won’t affect the future thinking.  Of course it has some bearing.  But if you are aware of your tendencies, get wise help, and have a good purity strategy, you will have a strong footing in life.

It’s not much different from a person who has anger, unforgiveness and bitterness or wounded relationships.  Of course that’s going to affect their relationships.  Of course it will bleed into marriage, and can cause great damage.  What’s really bad is when a person is pushing their anger and unforgiveness down, hoping it will go away.  It has to be brought to the surface, surrendered to the Lord our Healer, and the person has to walk in love, thankfulness, and forgiveness.  Does that make sense?  Your struggles with porn affect a different part of your heart, but it’s no different.

Top tips for working toward a clean mind:

  • Read Scripture everyday and soak in it.
  • Turn hard into praise and worship music.  Let God wash your mind.
  • Journal your thoughts and feelings God.
  • Get help from a counselor working on the hurts in your heart.
  • Cut out the visual content that’s tripping you up (sites, channels, magazines, etc.)
  • Tap the creativity of your mind with a new hobby or project.

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching 
  • Personal Coaching 
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

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How To Stop Masturbating

by Jeff Fisher on February 7, 2014

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BrokenChains-1-1The last two days we talked about masturbation.  Is it OK?  Will we burn in Hell if we do it?  Can we still honor God and be masturbators?  Is masturbation addictive?

Check out the previous blog posts:
“Can I Masturbate and Be OK?   Part I”

“Can I Masturbate and Be OK?  Part II”

Many of us want to stop masturbating.  We consider it important to our pursuit of sexual purity.  Here are some things I think will be helpful in dealing with masturbation, but also with the stuff underneath.

 

UndercurrentFIND HEALTHY OUTLETS FOR YOUR ENERGY AND PASSION – People who masturbate regularly are really energetic, creative, and passionate people. They have a lot to offer. Find some other pursuits that challenge you. Pour your life in directions that will help you and others.

DEAL WITH THE UNDERCURRENT – If there is a key to stopping masturbation this is probably it. Masturbation is not really about the behavior. It’s about medicating pain that runs deep in your. It’s about trying to meet the unmet needs in your life. You many need a counselor to help you unpack what’s going on underneath the surface.

YOU NEED A BUDDY TO TALK TO – Find someone you can talk to about your struggles. Most people have had varied problems with masturbating, they just don’t want to talk about it. Find someone you can trust and that will keep confidence. This person may have to be a counselor or a minister.

FIND A WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ALONE TIME – Alone time and boredom can lead to masturbation. Try to stay busy. Fill up your calendar. Go to bed tired.

DEVELOP A STRATEGY FOR YOUR TV AND COMPUTER – These are some outlets that trip up a lot of guys and gals. We get home and “veg” out in front of the TV and watch tempting stuff. We look to our computers out of boredom and for entertainment, and begin clicking. Consider a program like Covenant Eyes for your computer. Consider some filtering for your TV or a password. Restrict the tempting sources.

journalGET A NOTEBOOK AND WRITE OUT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS, FEELINGS, AND GOALS – This may sound crazy, but a notebook or a blog is a healthy outlet to get your “stuff” out. Write out your anger. Write out your feelings. Talk it out to yourself.

REALIZE STOPPING WILL TAKE TIME – You become addicted to masturbation overnight. It developed gradually and soon had a strong hold on your life. Freedom from masturbation is accomplished my many, many people. It can be done, but it will take some time. Time to have successes. Time to develop strength. Time to develop healthy habits.

TURN TOendurance GOD IN PRAYER – God is really the only one who can get to your heart. Surrender this intense struggle to Him. You probably have prayed that your masturbation would go away. A better prayer might be, “God, help me have a change of heart. Help me deal with the deep stuff. Help me find better outlets. Help me find a way to talk my stuff out with someone.”

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM JEFF
Hey guys, you’re are not alone!  This such a common struggle for teens adults, men, & women.
Don’t beat yourself up when you slip. Just pour into the healthy things once again. It takes time.
A good counselor can be very helpful. There are some counselors that deal specifically with sexual issues. Definitely worth the time & money.

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching 
  • Personal Coaching 
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

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Is It OK to Masturbate?

by Jeff Fisher on January 24, 2014

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Masturbation is one of those hushed words in many church and family circles.  We don’t talk about it, we struggle with it, we are confused by it, yet we have important questions about it.

THE BIGGEST QUESTION:  Is it OK to masturbate?

I found an interesting article on www.restoringsexualpurity.org about masturbation.  Dr.  Harry W. Schaumburg shares some things to consider:
CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL ARTICLE
 
Dr. Shaumburg comes to these conclusions in his article that are worth looking at.

 

  • Sex is a part of a personal relationship with another person; masturbation is non-relational.
  • Sex is to be exclusive; masturbation typically involves sexually impure thoughts.
  • Sex is to be special and intimate; masturbation is frequent and shallow.
  • Sex is to be fruitful (productive) in that man is designed to enter a woman and to create, both at a relational and reproductive level; masturbation treats sex like a commodity to be consumed.
  • Sex is to take place within the context of selfless love; masturbation is designed to satisfy oneself.
  • Sex is multi-dimensional; masturbation separates the physical from everything else.
  • Sex is to be complementary; masturbation is non-unitive.

NOW WHAT DO I DO?
Many people spend a lot of energy building a case against masturbation.  That’s fine and it’s important.  But for those of us who want to be better and sexual pure… what do we do now?  Here are some tips to begin to break away from masturbation.

1.  Clean house – sometimes that stuff we have lying around the house (magazines, videos, music)  encourage lustful behavior.

2.  Find several healthy outlets for stress and emotions – Substitute a bad habit with a good habit.  Get to the gym, work outside, get busy with a project, go hang out with some buddies.  The TV and computer are probably not healthy outlets…find something else to relieve stress.

3.  You gotta talk to someone – A pastor, a Christian friend, a counselor…  If you really want to stop this, it needs to stop being a secret.

4.  Surrender to God – You may have done this time and time again, but you gotta let go and let God help you with the struggle.  Masturbation is a learned habit.  We are not powerful enough to stop it.  Invite God’s presence and power.
There are many other things that will help like being part of a recovery group, reading recovery material, listening to recovery podcasts, but I want to give you one more big one…

5.  Get a notebook and write out your feelings and needs – Masturbation is a symptom of the undercurrent of emotions and unmet needs you have.  A notebook helps you talk it out, pray it out, vent it out.  Give it a try.  You’re not a sissy!  Get a notebook and work it out!

GET HELP FOR YOUR PURITY JOURNEY

snapshot2Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching
  • Personal Coaching
  • Speaking at Conferences

www.puritycoaching.com
jeff@puritycoaching.com

Twitter Page
Facebook Page

purity coaching banner 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Struggle With Looking at Women

by Jeff Fisher on September 8, 2013

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On our Porn to Purity website, I posted a weeklong series of articles on objectifying women and ways to work on it.  I think they are very helpful.

Here are the links:

Objectfication:  Why we do it and why it’s a problem
Objectfication:  Common excuses and danger zones
Objectfication:  How to work on it and get healthy

The Problem With Eye Candy
Just the Pretty Girls
What’s Her Name?

Since posting the series I have a few other thoughts about finding freedom from objectifying women:

1.  It’s a harder battle to fight than your body battles – With our bodies, we stop doing behaviors, we don’t go bad places, and we put up roadblocks.  Our minds are wild.  We are not used to having controlled minds.  We may have lusted and objectified women for decades.  When we are working on pure thinking we are literally rewiring our brains.  That’s hard!

2.  The healthier you get, the better this gets – Overall, the longer you are sober, and the longer you stay engaged in your recovery, your objectification struggles will get better.  Recovery is not about stopping masturbating or stopping looking at porn… it’s about getting healthy in our sexuality.  That’s what God is cultivating in our lives – health.  Any big steps you take toward healing will help the big picture.

So, if you are taking time in counseling to work on your heart wounds, you will find that your other battles will get better.

If you’re setting up a good support structure, you will find the other battles a little easier.

If you are talking openly about your struggles, it’s all part of the bigger picture.

3.  Meditating on Scripture has helped me a lot – This is newer for me.  I am spending this year meditating each day on single purity verses.  I am letting them sink into my soul.  Here’s a handful:  Ephesians 5:3; Psalms 119:9-11; I Thess. 4:3-5; Colossians 3:1-2; Philippians 4:8

4.  I still struggle – I still look at joggers.  I still stare too long at TV commercials.  But most days I am engaged.  I usually call my accountability partner on triggery days and he and I meet once a week to go over specific struggles.  That’s helping.  But I’m still young in this recovery thing – only 4 years for me.

5.  We can have pure minds – I believe that I can have a pure mind.  I believe I can think purely because the Bible calls me to it.  I don’t believe that I will be perfect or that it will happen every day.  But I believe that if I am focused on God’s Spirit and have my mind set on things above then I cannot please my sinful nature at the same time.  I just need a lot more practice focusing on the things of God.

The main reason I say this is that many guys in recovery don’t think that a pure mind is possible. They are also the guys that don’t tend to think that freedom from masturbation is possible either.  My thought… why would God call me to a pure standard if it wasn’t possible to get there, or at least have moments where my purity is where it needs to be?

[jeff gets off his soapbox]

6.  It doesn’t permanently go away – I haven’t met a guy yet who doesn’t have struggles with looking. What I find is that it gets less intense the healthier the guy is.  I guess this shouldn’t surprise us, but it kind of does.  We have to always be engaged with our eyes and with our thinking.

7.  Got any worship music on your I-Pod? – I know several guys that throw on the worship when things are getting rough.  I don’t have a huge catalog of worship music, but I have found this to be very effective.

FEEDBACK
I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.

Twitter:  @porntopurity

Email:  jeff@porntopurity

 

Basic Purity Tips – Football Style

August 20, 2013

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How to Build Your Personal Purity Plan – #2 Your Eyes

August 19, 2013

No sexual purity plan will succeed without a plan for our eyes.  We are too visual and our eyes have had too much practice looking in wrong places.  We can’t leave our eyes alone and succeed in purity. On this series of blogs I’m sharing 4 essential parts of our personal purity plan that we […]

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How to Build Your Personal Purity Plan – #1 Your Body

August 18, 2013

I recently had a chance to talk with a group of 11th graders at our church about purity.  We talked about God’s standard for sexual purity using I Cor. 6:13-20 & the monster passage in Ephesians 5:3. Knowing what God’s Word says about purity is very important. Believing God’s Word is even more important.  We […]

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Objectifying Your Wife

August 17, 2013

One of our podcast listeners had a question about objectification.  He mentioned that he was objectifying his wife and wondered what thoughts I had on the topic. Objectification is when we see women as objects, not people.  The value we place on women is there value as a sexual object to us.  They are there […]

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Erections Don’t Have to Be Acted On

June 9, 2013

One of the lies we guys can believe is:  If I have an erection I need to use it. We can get into such a habit of masturbating and acting out sexually, that it almost becomes automatic.  Whether it’s an arousal that happens in public or when you wake up in the morning, we condition […]

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How to Build a Rockin’ Media Purity Strategy

May 23, 2013

Before I give you a survey of my media and my strategy, here are some key recovery principles that need to be worked when it comes to media. These paint the larger picture of recovery. These principles apply to media as well as other areas of temptation. Identify your triggers. Set up roadblocks. Have a […]

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