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Trumpet Lessons and Sexual Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on April 17, 2012

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trumpet

** I wanted to repost one of my favorite blogs for you. ~ Jeff

I took up trumpet in 8th grade.  I worked hard at it and did pretty well.  When I started taking private lessons, my level of playing changed.  With the help of my private lessons, I was able to develop my skills and gained confidence to try out in solo and state competitions.

My trumpet private lesson teacher taught me many lessons that apply to more than trumpet playing.  Here are several lessons that I think apply to sexual recovery too.

trumpet lesson

1.  You have to work on the BASICS to get better
Communication, friendships, reading, praying, honesty, transparency… these are all basics in recovery.  Work on them.  They are building blocks for a solid sexuality

2.  You need to make a COMMITMENT to practice
Recovery doesn’t happen overnight.  You dig out one shovel full at a time.  Many days are hard.  Many days will be better.  You may have to spend hours working on small things, but you can get them.  A commitment to purity and to your relationships has to be there.

3.  You need SOMEONE MORE EXPERIENCED to listen, diagnose, and help you
No person can do it on their own.  We have blind spots.  We need be hear from mentors, counselors and those who have been successful in their own recovery.

4. As you gain experience and skills, you will learn to SELF-CORRECT
Eventually, you will be able to do some things on your own.  You will gain strength and knowledge.  You will have boundaries and relationship set up that will help you in your purity.  As you get more experienced and successful in recovery, you will be able to diagnose yourself and turn to the right places for help.

maynard ferguson 5.  You need to be CONSISTENT with your homework and with coming to private lessons
Private lessons for the sexual addict are Group, accountability, and counseling meetings.  You’ve got to be an active part of one or all of these.  You’ve got to come consistently and be honest.  You’ve got to do the reading and the assignments, and whatever work is necessary to be well.

6.  If you want to be good, you will have to SACRIFICE a lot of things
Some things in your life need to go.  Old habits, old friends, certain types of movies & programs, ways of thinking.  Jesus told us to cut our hand off it causes us to stumble.  He means sacrifice and radical obedience.  Cut out the unhealthy things, so you can insert the healthy things.


WHAT DO YOU THINK?
What other lessons have your learned in life that have helped you stay pure?
What else could you compare recovery to?

Leave a blog comment or email us at porntopurity@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check our our podcast on I-Tunes – The Porn to Purity Podcast.

6 Breakthroughs Took My Sexual Purity To Another Level

by Jeff Fisher on October 20, 2011

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What major breakthroughs are you experiencing in your sexual purity journey?

A blogger friend recently asked me “How long had you been in your recovery before you started helping others?”

Marsha and I were in the Crisis Stage of sexual addiction recovery for about 6 months.  Once we left Buffalo, NY and came to Raleigh, NC we entered a major phase of pain, discovery and healing.  We spent a lot of time and money on our recovery.  We both started attending counseling and found support groups.

It would have been foolish for us to start a website in the middle of our crisis or in the middle of the emotional rollercoaster we were going through.

God brought at least six major breakthroughs in our lives before we were able to start our website, blog & podcasts.

Notice that only one of these breakthroughs has to do with my behavior.  Most of them are on an emotional, relational, spiritual level.

—

1.  UNDERSTANDING THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS
A key part of my recovery happened when I started to see the consequences of my actions and could see the affect it had on others.  I could see myself through other people’s eyes.  I imagined what it would have been like in their shoes.

  • What my wife experienced.
  • The pastors who intervened in my life, what was it like for them?
  • Our church plant, what was it like to loose their pastor suddenly?
  • Our families, what did they experience?
  • My kids, even though they didn’t know the details, their lives were being disrupted.  It cost them.
  • The financial burden I placed on my family with the move and with the counseling hours.
  • What my denominational office felt when they learned that one of their church planters had fallen into bondage to sexual sin.
  • What did our neighborhood feel when they learned that I had quickly moved away and our church was pastorless?

2.  HEALING FROM MY ANGER AND SEXUAL BONDS
It’s amazing how much anger I had toward God, my wife, myself, my pastor friends… over getting found out.

I had a lot of anger in the past toward my dad, and people that had hurt me.

I still had emotional bonds with old girfriends, crushes, or images on the computer that needed God’s touch.

I spent a lot of time in journaling and in the counseling office to work on these things.  I still have to work through patches of resentment & emotional bonding.

3.  MARSHA’S DEPRESSION / MY ABSTINENCE
About a year into our recovery, Marsha had an emotional breakdown.  Too many struggles built up and she fell into a time of depression.  She took 6 weeks of unpaid leave from work to “catch her breath” emotionally and seek God’s healing.  Her counselor recommended that I abstain from sex with her for the 6 weeks.  That was an important time of healing for me, leaning on the Lord, and serving my wife even deeper.

4.  CONSISTENT SOBRIETY
Building a track record of sobriety was important.  Every day and month of freedom from pornography and masturbation built my strength and dependence on the Lord.  It’s not that I didn’t have slips occasionally, but they were rare.  I was experiencing the effects of  a good defense and a good support system.

5.  LEADERSHIP AND VISION PASSED BACK ON ME
When I went into recovery the mantle of leadership shifted over to Marsha.  I was in shock.  I was confused.  I did not have a vision for our family and could not lead.  During the abstinence time I felt the Spirit of God come back on me.  I could lead.  I had a vision for our family.  I knew how to make decisions.  I knew what we needed to do next.  What a glorious experience that was!

6.  MARSHA AND I STARTED SEEING THE NEEDS OF OTHER STRUGGLERS
Our website developed out of our own brokenness, healing, & needs.  When we went into recovery, nobody gave us the needed resources.  Marsha started scouring the web (as many wives do) for resources, and we started finding a lot.  I found a lot of recovery podcasts on I-Tunes and we started bookmarking them.  We felt like there was a need for a central site to share resources.  Additionally, we thought we could share our story so people wouldn’t feel alone.  The blog developed out of my journalings and note taking.  I just wanted to share what I was learning.

The podcast was the same way.  We saw a need for something like Porn to Purity Podcast and Top Tips.  God allowed us to create the something we needed.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Q:  What breakthroughs have you had in your sexual purity journey?

porntopurity@gmail.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

 

Key Questions: Now That I’ve Started My Purity Journey, What’s Next?

by Jeff Fisher on October 10, 2011

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I (Jeff) am a regular blogger on www.XXXchurch.com.  Sometimes they use content from our Porn to Purity site for their blogs.  Other times I have opportunities to write fresh articles directly for the site.  For the last several weeks, I and several other bloggers have been writing on group of key questions:

1.  Why am I Looking at Porn?
2.  Why can’t I stop my sexual behaviors?
3.  What’s wrong with me?  Why do I feel so bad?
4.  What can I do to stop my sexual behaviors?
5.  Now that I’ve started my purity journey, what’s next?

 

HOW DO I LIVE NOW?

Alternate Title:  SEXUAL PURITY 201

I’m assuming that you’ve already taken some first steps.  To me, this is an intermediate blog.  It’s primarily for those who are working on their sexual purity journey.  You are engaged in the basics.

How do I know I’m engaged in the basics?

  • You’re sharing your sins, secrets and struggles with others
  • You’re building a support team
  • You’re building a purity strategy
  • You’re in the battle fighting, struggling and wrestling (you’ve not given up)

It’s hard to take the next steps if you haven’t taken the first steps.
It’s hard to take the next steps if you’re still hiding.
It’s hard to take the next steps if you are throwing in the towel.

SEXUAL PURITY 201
Alright, let’s look at some deeper lessons.  I think these tips will help push your sexual purity journey into the deeper places God wants you to be.

1.  Always move toward truth. – We can’t lie and go with God.  We can’t hide, cover up, minimize, deflect, and color our actions and be righteous.  We need to accurately reflect our sins, struggles, and victories to others.   Moving toward the truth means we take the next steps.  We answer our wife’s questions.  We tell the truth to our accountability partner and to our group.  We allow light into the dark closets of our heart.

2.  Behind the wounds are lies, find them. –  My counselor challenged me with this.  I’ve been testing this theory for the last 4 years and found it to be true.  Anytime I have pain or wounds, I have believed something wrong about myself, God, or another person.

3.  Deep healing comes in patches. – Of course, healing is a process.  Of course, God can instantly heal our hurts.  But I’ve found that I have to work on a patch before the next patch opens up.  Some call it “layers of the onion”.  We will find new areas of our life and past that we need to surrender to God and seek Him for healing.  Every patch that gets touched by God is one more place you’ll be able to reflect God’s glory.

4.  Tune in to your emotions. – We guys generally run away from our emotions.  We push them away and think that someone’s a “sissy” if they talk about their emotions.  Not in 201 class.  The student of sexual purity is learning how to identify what’s in his heart.  He’s learning to talk about his feelings and express them in a healthy way.  If you’re building a good support system (friends, support group, counselors, ministers, spouse) those will be good places to develop your emotional muscles.

** Bonus Insight ** My counselor reminded me that porn and masturbation has a numbing effect on our emotions.  When porn is gone and we’re no longer medicating, we’re able to feel more.  The highs are higher and the lows are also lower.

5.  Healthy sexuality is the larger goal. – The main goal is not stopping our bad behaviors – the affair, masturbation, chatrooms, or Internet porn.  It’s bigger than that.  God wants us to move toward having a healthy sexuality.  There are many of us (myself included) that never had health to begin with.  Now we have a chance to experience the true fulfillment in our sexuality that God intended.  We are getting a taste of the Garden of Eden.  True intimacy with God and with our spouse.  Exercising our capacity to value, respect, and love others.  Serving others instead of consuming.

6.  Figure out who God really is. – I was surprised how messed up my understanding of God was.  He was like my earthly father – distant, angry, and loved me conditionally.  He was a God that had to be appeased.  I had to work to earn His attention and love.  I thought I had to be a “good boy” in order to have good things happen to me.  Wrong.  Our sexual purity journey is a spiritual journey.  God not only wants you to stop looking at porn and ogling women, He wants you to know who He is and how deep his love, grace, and mercy is.  Personally, the book of Psalms is the place where I’ve found God most during these last four years of my recovery.

YOUR TURN
Q:  What do you think?
Q:  What else would you add to the Sexual Purity 201 list?

—-

FEEDBACK
jeff@porntopurity.com or @porntopurity on Twitter

Jeff Fisher authors the blog www.porntopurity.com with his wife Marsha.  They have been in recovery for the last 4 years and have seen God transform them and their marriage during this difficult process.  Jeff podcasts regularly on the “Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast” (available through I-Tunes).

Key Questions: What Can I Do to Stop My Sexual Behaviors?

by Jeff Fisher on October 5, 2011

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I (Jeff) am a regular blogger on www.XXXchurch.com.  Sometimes they use content from our Porn to Purity site for their blogs.  Other times I have opportunities to write fresh articles directly for the site.  For the last several weeks, I and several other bloggers have been writing on group of key questions:

1.  Why am I Looking at Porn?
2.  Why can’t I stop my sexual behaviors?
3.  What’s wrong with me?  Why do I feel so bad?
4.  What can I do to stop my sexual behaviors?
5.  Now that I’ve started my purity journey, what’s next?

 

WHAT DO I DO TO STOP?

Alternate Title:  “Why Han Solo and the Lone Ranger Could Never Get the Help They Needed”

So you’re struggling with pornography and acting out sexually and you want to get out.  Like many of us, you have probably tried many times to stop and been met with failure and frustration.  You wonder “Why is this so hard?”, “Why can’t I stop?”, “What’s the key to stopping?”

There is no magic key to stopping, but guaranteed, you’re going to have to do something new.

SOLO AIN’T WORKING
Our first attempts to stop our sexual behaviors are solo.  We try to stop on our own.  We try to control it.  We make new commitments and vows to ourselves and to the Lord.  We ask forgiveness, repent, rededicate our life, surrender to the ministry… whatever.

It ain’t working is it?  Let’s face it, we have a lot of experience at “what not to do”. Something different has to happen.

Here’s the secret:  you can’t break free from pornography and your sexual struggles alone.

I wish it were not true, but our problem is too big for us.  Our sexual struggles have rooted into multiple levels of our life.  They are impossible for us to understand, diagnose and treat on our own.  Plus, our real problems are heart problems – that’s God’s territory.

We need a partnership with God and with skilled, caring people to help us break free.

 

HANG OUT IN GALATIANS AND JAMES FIRST
There are two verses we should spend some time with when it comes to stopping our sexual habits:

Galatians 6:1,2 (NIV)–  Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

James 5:16 (NIV) – Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

We don’t like to share our junk.  Hey, who does?  But God’s Word is very clear that:

1.  If you are trapped in sin, you need to get around spiritual men who can help you.

2.  The goal is restoration and helping you get healthy.

3.  The only way we can be healed from our struggles is through confessing to others.  God, yes, but James tells us specifically to confess to others.  God works some of his healing through others.

4.  You cannot do this alone.  You need skilled help, support, discipleship and friends who will walk with you in this battle.

BUT I’M NOT COMFORTABLE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE
If you have spent the last 5, 10, 20 years in isolation and hiding your sexual sins, of course you’re not going to feel comfortable around others.  Like most sexual strugglers, you are very immature when it comes to relationships, going to others for help, sharing your struggles, and working on the stuff inside you.

You have to figure out how serious you are about getting well.  It’s not going to happen solo.  It’s not going to happen if you keep doing what you’re doing.  You have to learn to lean on God and others in a new way.

God has designed us for “one another”.  We need each other.  We are designed to love and connect.  God said in Genesis “it’s not good for man to be alone.”  He wasn’t just talking about getting married.  He was talking about our need for “one another”.  There are so many “one another” passages in the Bible, I can’t list them all.

Possibly the biggest lesson you can learn in your sexual purity journey is how to begin connecting with others in a healthy way.

START VIRTUAL, BUT MOVE TOWARD FACE-TO-FACE
www.XXXchurch.com is a place you can begin connecting with others and finding help.  Start there.  Get involved in the forums.  Reach out.

But the real help comes when you move toward face-to-face relationships.  A virtual friend and a virtual Body of Christ is great.  It’s a start.  It’s better than nothing.  But you need real people you can talk with and have coffee with.  You need real friends, ministers, counselors, accountability partners, & support group members who can walk with you.

Take a step of faith today, and reach out to “one another”.

—-

FEEDBACK
jeff@porntopurity.com or @porntopurity on Twitter

Jeff Fisher authors the blog www.porntopurity.com with his wife Marsha.  They have been in recovery for the last 4 years and have seen God transform them and their marriage during this difficult process.  Jeff podcasts regularly on the “Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast” (available through I-Tunes).

 

 

 

Key Questions: What’s Wrong With Me? Why Do I Feel So Bad?

by Jeff Fisher on October 3, 2011

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I (Jeff) am a regular blogger on www.XXXchurch.com.  Sometimes they use content from our Porn to Purity site for their blogs.  Other times I have opportunities to write fresh articles directly for the site.  For the last several weeks, I and several other bloggers have been writing on group of key questions:

1.  Why am I Looking at Porn?
2.  Why can’t I stop my sexual behaviors?
3.  What’s wrong with me?  Why do I feel so bad?
4.  What can I do to stop my sexual behaviors?
5.  Now that I’ve started my purity journey, what’s next?

 

WHY DO I FEEL BAD? – UNWRAPPING YOUR CORE BELIEFS

“What’s wrong with me?” is the question we’re exploring this week in our series of key questions we ask about our sexual addictions.

We feel bad when we look at pornography and engage in sexual sin.  Why is this?

Part of it is learned.  We were taught by our families, churches, schools, peers, close friends, and media what they thought was right and wrong about sex.  We learned boundaries.  We learned the consequences of making wrong choices when it comes to sex.  We also learned the expectations of others when it came to sex.  These boundaries and expectations may or may not be in line with God’s design, but the fact is, we have learned them.

When we step outside of the boundaries we’ve been taught we feel guilt.  We’re letting down our family, ministers, educators, and friends.  We’re letting ourselves down.

Part of it is God’s design. God has given us our sexuality as a good gift to be used for His glory.  He has imprinted on our spirit the importance of valuing others and loving one another.

When we step outside of God’s boundaries we feel guilt and shame.

Good Shame vs Bad Shame
It’s normal to feel bad when we do something wrong.  This guilt and shame are meant to push us toward God instead of away from Him.  Godly shame moves us toward repentance and forgiveness.

False shame destroys instead of builds up.  We are devalued and convinced we are worthless.  False shame attacks God’s good design for our lives.

–

UNWRAPPING YOUR CORE
When we ask “What’s wrong with me?” we’re probably not asking “How do we get well?” or “What do we need to fix?”  We want to know why you are broken.

There’s a difference between believing an area of your life is broken and believing you at your core are broken.

“What’s wrong with me?” marinates in at least three core issues:

#1:  I Hate Myself
We don’t think we’re normal.  We don’t think others struggle like we do.  We think we’re alone and it’s hopeless.  We think something is broken inside us and we hate ourselves for it.

#2:  I Blame God
We think it’s God’s fault that we are this way.  Why did God make me this way?  Why doesn’t God take away my sexual desire?  Why did God allow this abuse or these experiences to happen?  We start to believe that God hates us or might be punishing us.

#3:  I Don’t Believe I’m Loveable
We feel others would judge us and reject us if they knew who we really were.  Not only do we hate ourselves, but we have convinced ourselves that others hate us too.  We believe we are so messed up that we are beyond God’s ability to love.

Deep down, we have believed many lies about ourselves.  We don’t believe others will love us.  That may happen.  But God’s love for us can never be changed.

God doesn’t treat us like we treat ourselves or like others treat us.  God loved us “even when were still sinners” (Romans 5:8).  God never devalues us or believes us to be broken.  When people say “God don’t make no junk!” that’s a very biblical message.

Finding victory over our sexual struggles involves surrendering to the real God of the Bible and allowing His truth to break the lies you’ve believed about yourself.

DIGGING DEEPER
Dr. Patrick Carnes came up with a fantastic teaching: “The Four Core Beliefs of the Sex Addict”.  You can find it in his book Out of the Shadows.  I’ve summarized each of these on my podcast Top Tips For Sexual Purity.  Here are the links:

054      Four Core Beliefs of Sex Addicts                                                      MP3
#1:  I’m Basically a Bad, Unworthy Person

055      Four Core Beliefs of Sex Addicts                                                      MP3
#2:  No One Would Love Me As I Am

056      Four Core Beliefs of Sex Addicts                                                     MP3
#3:  My Needs Are Never Going to Be Met If I Have to Depend on Others

057      Four Core Beliefs of Sex Addicts                                                     MP3
#4:  Sex is My Greatest Need

 

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FEEDBACK
jeff@porntopurity.com or @porntopurity on Twitter

Jeff Fisher authors the blog www.porntopurity.com with his wife Marsha.  They have been in recovery for the last 4 years and have seen God transform them and their marriage during this difficult process.  Jeff podcasts regularly on the “Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast” (available through I-Tunes).

 

 

Key Questions: Why Can’t I Stop My Sexual Behaviors?

September 28, 2011

I (Jeff) am a regular blogger on www.XXXchurch.com.  Sometimes they use content from our Porn to Purity site for their blogs.  Other times I have opportunities to write fresh articles directly for the site.  For the last several weeks, I and several other bloggers have been writing on group of key questions: 1.  Why am [...]

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Why WE Can’t Stop Sexual Sin

September 27, 2011

I continue to realize that I cannot stop my sexual sin. But it doesn’t mean that all is hopeless and that I’m trapped. Also included: a funny routine by Bob Newhart.

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Key Questions: Why am I Looking at Porn?

September 25, 2011

I (Jeff) am a regular blogger on www.XXXchurch.com.  Sometimes they use content from our Porn to Purity site for their blogs.  Other times I have opportunities to write fresh articles directly for the site.  For the last several weeks, I and several other bloggers have been writing on group of key questions: 1.  Why am [...]

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Basic Purity Tips – Football Style

September 11, 2011

Purity isn’t just sexual purity.  There’s a broader definition for us as Christian men.  We don’t want to allow anything into our heart, mind, soul, or body that twists God’s creation.  We don’t want to be drawn or attached to anything that steals us away from glorifying God. Ps. 101:3 “I will set my eyes [...]

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8 Things I Surrender Everyday

August 19, 2011

I wanted to share with you a list of things I pray for and surrender to God each day as I continue in my recovery.

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Going to Counseling For the First Time – Fears and Truths

July 25, 2011

I wanted to share some of the thoughts and fears I had the first time I went to counseling.

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