Book Reviews

Sexperiment – 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse (book review)

by Jeff Fisher on May 8, 2012

QUICK SUMMARY –Sexperiment encourages married couples to have sex 7 days in a row. The challenge is a gateway to couples rediscovering intimacy, serving one another and the importance of making time for each other. The book is easy to read, engaging, and exciting. The book doesn’t fail to address hard or sensitive topics. It is Christ-centered and full of Scripture and biblical wisdom about sex and intimacy. At the end of each chapter are discussion questions, wisdom to engaged couples (Before You Do), and wisdom to singles (The Yoke is Not a Joke).

AUTHORS – Ed Young is Pastor of the very large Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas. He and his wife Lisa have authored several books separately and together.

Sexperiment: 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse
Ed and Lisa Young
FaithWords Publishing
212 pages

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WOW! SEVEN DAYS OF SEX?
Q: What do you think of this challenge, without even reading the book?

· Awesome! I’ve been wanting to have more sex with my spouse!

· Oh, no! This is the last thing I want!

· This book must be written by a man… they want sex all the time!

· The idea of this scares me to death!

· How can 7 days of sex change my marriage?

I heard all of these voices before I read this book.

The Sexperiment challenge a jumpstart to intimacy, not a fix-all. The authors make that clear in the first chapter. They believe the Sexperiment will force married couples to carve time for each other, talk about issues, listen to each other, serve each other, and play together (priorities often lost in marriages).

THE BIGGEST HURDLE FOR ME WITH THIS BOOK
The way this challenge is packaged is careless.

The initial impression is: “Having Sex for 7 days in a row will revolutionize my marriage.” It seems no different from an infomercial that advertises magic weight loss pills, 10 easy steps to making a million dollars, or 90 days to looking like a men’s magazine fitness model.

That’s not what the book is about. Even though the authors dismiss this thought train in the first chapter, it took me several chapters to flush the “infomercial filter” out of my mind.

The thesis of the book should be more clearly defined: “Having sex for 7 days in a row can be a useful tool to help you rediscover true intimacy in your marriage.”

There are actually two hurdles you have to jump over before you get to the meat of this book:

1. Our pre-conceived ideas of what we think this book is about

2. The need to better define the purpose of the challenge

GIMMIE THE GUTS!
I think the guts of this book are great. It is easy to read and interesting. The authors are good communicators. There is a lot of sound biblical advice about marriage, intimacy and sex.

Sexperiment is really a marriage book with a sex emphasis.

The authors help the reader understand that intimacy is not just physical. True intimacy happens on emotional, relational, and spiritual levels too. This 7-day project of focusing on sexual intimacy is intended to be a catalyst for the other types of intimacy.

Readers of this book are also reminded:

· Intimacy takes work and commitment.

· Kids, work, and our personal interests can take us over marriage. We have to put our marriage back on the top of the priority list.

· Barriers to intimacy (pornography, lust, masturbation, infidelity, unforgiveness, abuse) need to be removed.

· True Intimacy is the oneness and nakedness talked about in Genesis. We are working to get back there.

THREE HELPFUL FEATURES AT THE END OF EACH CHAPTER

1. Discussion questions – This is a good book to read with your spouse and go slowly through. There are not

Note – The book is not a 7-day devotional for couples going through this challenge. It is a regular book on marriage with discussion questions.

2. Before You Do – Special words to engaged couples. Brilliant!

3. The Yoke is Not a Joke – Special instructions to singles. Brilliant x2!

JEFF’S LAST THOUGHTS
I hate that I have to struggle through “what I think the book is about” before I start liking the book. I’m 5 years into my recovery from sexual addiction. I’m sure that has something to do with it. But my wife felt the same way about the title of the book. Members of my support group did too. We thought it was going to be a shallow book with a gimmicky 7-day challenge. I’m glad we were wrong.

I think you’ll have an easier time, picking up the book and using it as a tool for marital and sexual intimacy. I believe this book will point your marriage in the right direction.

Q: Did my wife and I take the 7-day Sexperiment Challenge?

None of your business!

–
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

1.0 – Book Review: Jeff Reviews Sexperiment

2.0 – 7 Benefits of Sexual Intimacy

3.0 – 10 Commandments of Oneness

4.0 – Intimacy Blockers in Marriage

5.0 – 8 Sex-Builders For Marriage

6.0 – Does Your Marriage Have a High “MWE”?

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Book Review – Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage

by Jeff Fisher on March 5, 2012

Would you like to know how you can protect your marriage and yourself from an affair?

It would be smart to talk with people who have committed adultery and learn from their mistakes. It would also be wise to talk with a counselor whose ministry is focused on affair prevention and affair recovery.

Dave Carder is the one you would want to talk to. His book Close Calls is one of the best books I’ve read in the last couple of years. It will help us in our marriages. It will help ministers and church leaders assist couples struggling couples better. It will help sexual strugglers and their spouses to see what contributes to infidelity and take steps toward a healthy marriage.

A QUICK SUMMARY
A pastor shares insights from his 30 years of working with couples who have had affairs and recovered from affairs. The focus of this book is on affair prevention. The book helps you identify:

What type of person is dangerously attractive to you
The risk and stress factors that contribute to an marriage ripe for an affair
How your past may make you vulnerable to an affair
Positive steps you and your spouse can take to protect your marriage

The book is easy to read. It helps you the big picture and the individual pieces that contribute to an affair. The graphs and diagrams are very helpful. The book pauses at the right times and give you and your spouse and exercise to work through.

Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage
Moody Publishers
207 pages

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THE AUTHOR
Dave Carder is Pastor of Counseling Ministries at First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California. He has spent more than 30 years counseling couples and has a special focus on recovery from infidelity. He is also author of Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramarital Affairs. You can find out more about Dave at his website: www.davecarder.com

MINDBLOWER #1: THE DEVELOPMENT OF CLOSE CALLS DIAGRAM

Praise be to God who helped Dave come up with this diagram! The diagram is a clear and distinct outline for his book. It helps the reader see the big picture and the key components of an affair. All components need not be present for an affair to happen, but there are reasons people have affairs. There are many parts contributing to an affair, past and present, internally and externally.

(Used with permission. Source www.davecarder.com)

MINDBLOWER #2: THE DANGEROUS PARTNER
The author says each of us has a Dangerous Partner Profile.

The person we didn’t marry because we knew it would be bad for us in the long-run.
The person who appears to meet all of the deficits we bring to marriage.
The person who defies our training, culture, common sense & values.
The person lurking in our subconscious waiting to be found.

(Adapted from p. 20)

The reader is guided through several exercises to discover his or her Dangerous Partner Profile.

We will not act out with this person if our marriage is healthy. But the author’s formula for a close call is insightful and pivotal to the book:

High-Risk Factors + Stressors + Dangerous Partner = Close Calls

The chart, this chapter on The Dangerous Partner, and this formula are worth the price of the book.

WHO SHOULD BUY THIS BOOK?
Engaged, newlyweds and married couples are the groups that will get the most out of this book are newlyweds and married couples. There are many exercises in this book designed for couples to go through. This is a perfect book for a marriage retreat weekend. I might also consider it for couples going through premarital counseling, especially if there have been sexual struggles in the past.

Couples who have had affairs or close calls will find this book very insightful. A person thinks he or she “falls” into affairs. This book can help a could go backward and ID what contributed to the spousal or marital breakdown.

Sexual strugglers and their spouses will find this book hitting close to home. Some couples have gone through affairs. Some worry if their spouse’s pornography struggles will lead to an affair. The greatest value to sexual strugglers may be the inventory it takes your through and seeing the pieces that contribute to an affair.

Support groups? I’m not sure this is a good book for sexual addiction support groups (at least not the whole thing). The book is best if walked through with a spouse. Support groups will find the first section on Risk Factors to be the most valuable. I do think the leader of the sexual support group or addiction recovery ministry should get this book.

POSTS AND TIPS GALORE
There is so much good material in this book, I’m going to spend the next two weeks on our Porn to Purity blog sharing nuggets with you. Here’s a look at the posts coming up:

1.0 – Jeff’s book review of Close Calls

2.0 – How to Know if You’re High Risk For an Affair

3.0 – 3 Components of Every Affair (and Every Good Marriage)

4.0 – The 4 Phases of an Affair (or Close Call)

5.0 – 4 Classes of Affairs

6.0 – How Trust is Built and Rebuilt

–

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

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Book Review: The Road to Grace

by Jeff Fisher on February 27, 2012

The Road to Grace: Finding True Freedom From the Bondage of Sexual Addiction

My Introduction to Mike Genung was through the Blazing Grace Podcast and their website (www.blazinggrace.org). Mike is a man who was set free from sexual addiction. He came on strong, put out some tremendous programming, then stepped out of the limelight for a while.

Before taking a break, he wrote this book full of his story and insights to help you on your journey out of sexual addiction.

QUICK SUMMARY: The Road to Grace shares Mike Genung’s story of sexual addiction: events from childhood that contributed, how he got hooked, wake-up moments, and how he found victory. The book is full of Scripture and quotes from authorities in sexual addiction recovery. The author shares how the 12-step groups were not a long-term solution – believing and accepting the grace of God is the only true way to find victory over sexual addiction.

225 pages, Blazing Grace Publishing

Available at www.roadtograce.net and www.blazinggrace.org

—

NOT JUST A STORY
The Road to Grace submerges us in many atmospheres of truth. Mike shares his story. He talks about the roots of his sexual addiction and how shame and isolation caused his struggles to grow. As he tells his story he highlights key lessons learned. He shares from other authorities in the sexual addiction field. He will often point to Scriptures that helped him in his recovery journey.

The book will take you through a lot of topics: root causes, childhood wounds, help with masturbation, breaking the lies you’ve believed, and a mini-study of God’s Word on grace.

THE LITTLE BOY ANALOGY
I love the Prologue and the Epilogue in The Road to Grace. The author uses the analogy of a “Little Boy”, innocent, pure, and unstained by sexual influences slowly becoming exposed and wounded sexually. The “Little Boy” gets older by never stops being a boy, largely because of his childhood wounds.

It’s striking and very creative. In a few pages he is able to share key parts of his story and reminds the reader a key recovery insight: sexual addiction often has its roots in our childhood.

These pages alone might be worth the price of the book for you.

IT’S ALL ABOUT GRACE
The major theme of the book (hence the name) is grace. It is a thread through the book, but it is also the sole subject of three chapters. The author believes we don’t know God because we don’t understand His love and grace. If we did, it would have a massive effect on our sexual addiction and recovery would be long-term.

It’s a bold thesis I don’t disagree with.

ONE BOOK THAT SHOULD BE TWO BOOKS
At times, it felt The Road to Grace was trying to accomplish too much: telling the author’s story, emphasizing grace, and sharing tips on key recovery subjects. It’s hard to pull all of it off. This book would make two really good books, one only on grace, another with the other lessons the author has learned.

But, getting the content of two books for the price of one, that’s not a bad thing, is it?

WHY MANY 12-STEP PROGRAMS DON’T WORK
The author spent eight years in 12-step groups. The biggest problem is the focus on sobriety. It doesn’t go deep enough.

“…a man was “sober” if he hadn’t masturbated or had sex with another person outside of marriage…. Even though I’d abstained from porn, masturbation, and sex outside of marriage for a year and a half, there was still a nagging emptiness inside that gnawed at me.” (44)

Another problem is the focus on self-effort. Even though one of the 12-steps is to focus on a higher power, the fatal tragedy of many groups is their confidence in their own efforts.

“Purity and sobriety are not the same thing,” the author exhorts. God calls us to strive toward purity which requires deeper work, and a divine renovation.

THE BIGGEST STRENGTH OF THIS BOOK
The amount of Scripture and spiritual direction you get from this book is fantastic. It was obvious to me that the author spent a huge amount of time seeking God through His Word. He wanted to know how to recover deeply from sexual sin and He got a heart full of God in the process.

The Road to Grace shows us that finding true freedom from the bondage of sexual addiction comes only from an intimate relationship with God.

—
Read Jeff’s Book Review of The Road to Grace – HERE

6 Reasons We Should Tell Our Wives About Our Sexual Struggles (Tues)

The Blessings of Masturbation & The Other Side of the Coin (Wed)

Big Recovery Tip: Connect With the Grace of God (Thurs)

Tips For Wives of Sexual Addicts (Fri)

CONTACT
jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

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Entangled – A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing Your Emotional Affair and Restoring Your Marriage

by Jeff Fisher on February 14, 2012

ENTANGLED BOOK REVIEW

Amy J. Bennett

Entangled: A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing Your Emotional Affair and Restoring Your Marriage

QUICK SUMMARY: Author Amy J. Bennett shares her story of falling into an emotional affair with a co-worker. She gives a thorough analysis of how her emotional affair happened, how it progressed and the points of vulnerability from her life and marriage that made her a risk for an emotional affair.

123 pages
Available at www.entangledbook.com or on Amazon.com

–

JEFF’S REVIEW
I’m curious how emotional affairs begin. I take cautions in my personal and professional life to prevent relationships from going places, but where’s the line? And do I have any blind spots that could cause met to get in trouble?

This book is a woman’s guide. It says so in the subtitle of the book. Guys will get a lot from the book, but ladies, this book is written to you. You will feel a connection to Amy. You will see parallels to your own life. And this book might keep your relationships from going places that will damage your marriage and family.

The author did not have a physical affair. She and a coworker developed a deep personal relationship and stepped over many boundaries. God helped Amy and her husband pull the plug before it turned physical.

Emotional affairs happen when a relationship is pushed past the “just a friend” stage and a strong bond develops. Strong bonding is good for the marriage, but deadly for relationships outside of marriage. The author helps us see that things don’t have to get physical to get way out of hand.

A Thorough Inventory
I’m impressed that the author took a serious inventory of what happened and wrote it down for our benefit. She doesn’t want you and me to make the same mistakes she made. The strongest parts of the book are when she breaks down:

(Click the links above to read Amy’s great advice for each topic)

The book is easy to read and a page turner. We know the emotional affair is going to develop, but we don’t quite know how it will develop. At times, I felt like I was watching a TV program where they show the last 5 minutes first, then go back and show you how the scenario developed. We knew the author was developing an emotional affair. We know it’s going to get bad. But we don’t know how it evolves.

HELP WITH RECOVERY AND A RARE CHAPTER
The third and fourth sections are about recovery and building a healthy marriage. There are thoughts on breaking the lies we’ve believed, turning to God for our deepest needs, and renewing our commitment to our marriage.

I was shocked when I came to the chapter on “Pride”. It is a simple, potent reminder of a sinful state that prevents us from repenting and finding healing. Many recovery books gloss past pride. It was obvious to me the author has learned some major lessons on pride.

ONE WISH AND ONE THING I’M CURIOUS ABOUT
The author does a great job sharing scripture (she even has a long list of all the scriptures used in the Appendix). She also quotes Beth Moore (a great women’s bible teacher) several times. I would have liked to have seen some other authors quoted. Quotes from counselors and training in emotional affair recovery would make this strong book even stronger.

I’m also curious about the men who get in emotional affairs. I know that many of them are the initiators. Some of them are manipulators. I wonder about the man’s side, the parallels and the differences that we would learn. Reading Entangled made me want to look for about men and emotional affairs

A GOOD BOOK TO HELP YOU AVOID MARITAL PITFALLS

Are you curious how an emotional affair starts?
Are you wondering how you can step over boundaries in your relationships and barely realize it?
Do you want to hear from a godly woman who has been through it and survived?

This book give us some good wisdom and training.

Available at www.entangledbook.com or on Amazon.com

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Book Review: Becoming a Man of Valor by Dr. Mark Laaser

by Jeff Fisher on January 3, 2012

MEN OF VALOR SERIES

BOOK 3: BECOMING A MAN OF VALOR
http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/becoming-a-man-of-valor/

The third book in Dr. Mark Laaser’s Men of Valor series Becoming a Man of Valor is different from the first two in his series. He wants us to think about our core and what drives us. He suggests that this book be used meditatively by asking three key questions:

#1 – Do you want to get well?

#2 – What are you thirsty for?

#3 – Are you willing to die to yourself

Each question comes from New Testament encounters Jesus had with individuals. Jesus took these people deeper. His focus wasn’t on their “perceived” needs, but on their core needs.

The three questions are pivotal to the author’s own counseling practice. “I can’t really work with addicts successfully until they grapple with and answer well the three simple questions in this book.” (12)

Preceeding each key question, the author shares the bible passage attached to it, and offers commentary on each of the verses.

—

LISTEN TO JEFF INTERVIEW DR. LAASER ABOUT THIS BOOK
Becoming a Man of Valor – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

—

QUESTION #1: DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL?
The story of Jesus healing the man at the pool of Bethesda from John 5:1-9 brings us this question. The man had been hanging around the healing pool for 38 years. Jesus goes for the man’s motivation.

The author wants us to think about our own sicknesses, hang-ups, and addictions. “What is your sickness?” the author asks the reader. Are we double-minded? Are we willing to do what it takes to get be well?

“There are many men who come to see me for counseling, and they want to get well…. It’s truly amazing how zealous they can be…. A part of the problem is that when these men first come in, they are usually motivated by external factors…. The external fears wear off, however, and now they are left with their internal motivation.” (31)

External motivation only lasts for a season. Lasting change comes when we are deeply motivated on the inside. We have to find the courage from God to ask for help.

QUESTION #2: WHAT ARE YOU THIRSTY FOR?
The author spends three chapters discussing this question. He uses the story of Jesus meeting the immoral Samaritan woman at the well found in John 4:1-26. Jesus addresses the woman’s “heart need” when he moves the conversation from being physically thirsty to spiritually thirsty.

“The fundamental truth Jesus is teaching is that in the human heart there is a thirst for something that only he can satisfy.” (44)

This is the deepest section of the book. The author says we are constantly trying to medicate our soul’s thirst with coping substances (sex, coffee, drugs, nicotine) and coping behaviors (adventure, relationships, watching TV, daydreaming). Even with large amounts of these substances or behaviors, our hearts are still left thirsty.

To give greater understanding to our real needs, the author borrows from his other book Seven Desires of Every Heart to help us understand what our hearts really need. He walks us through several helpful exercises to discover our true needs.

I felt like I was in a private session with Dr. Laaser when I was reading these chapters. I believe this section alone is worth the small price of the book (and probably 5 counseling sessions).

QUESTION #3: ARE YOU WILING TO DIE TO YOURSELF?
The story of Mary and Martha in John 11:1-43 helps us consider the third question. Lazarus, their brother, died. The sisters were out of options and had given up hope. They believed in Jesus’ healing power, but they felt it was too late for Lazarus to be saved. If Jesus had only been there earlier things would be different.

The author counsels the reader, saying there are parts of us like pride, arrogance, anger, shame and anxiety that we have to let go of to see God work.

“Answering yes to this question means that you are willing to give up your unhealthy attempts to quench your thirst and discovery what really matters.” (99)

This is the only chapter of Becoming a Man of Valor where I thought the Scripture used was a stretch. I expected the author to use one of several Scriptures relating to the cost of discipleship, like the story of the Rich Young Ruler (Luke 18:18-23).

My biggest takeaway, as I pondered this question, was the importance of surrender. I do not always know what’s best for me or my situation. I jump to conclusions, I overestimate my abilities, and I can easily give up hope when life blows up. It’s important that I surrender my control over to God and let him be my Resurrection and Life.

TIME TO REREAD THIS BOOK
When I read this book again, I will go slowly through it, and take time with these questions. I think I’ll end up spending time on Question 2 “What are you thirsty for?” It’s hard to know exactly what I need to “die to”, surrender and heal from if I don’t know what I’m thirsty for, and the unhealthy ways I’m trying to satisfy my thirst.

A WORD OF THANKS
I was amazed when he closed his Taking Every Thought Captive book with this statement:

“An author reaches a point, I think, in which he feels that he has said everything he wants to say on a certain topic. I have the satisfying feeling that I have done so in this book.” (119)

As I read these books in succession, I felt like Dr. Laaser I was at my side, as a cheerleader, a counselor, and a friend. He was trying to write out the best help he has gathered to help me on my journey as a man and as a recovering sexual struggler.

Thanks, Dr. Laaser for pouring your experience soul into these three books.

INTERVIEW QUESTIONS FOR DR. LAASER

BOOK 3 – Becoming a Man of Valor

How did the 3 questions come about? A sermon series? Books? Your personal teachings?
In your counseling, how do you take counselees through these 3 questions?
Why do people stall at the first question “Do you want to get well?” The answer seems so obvious.
You spend a lot of time on Question #2 “What are you thirsty for?” is this where the bulk of the work is?
What keeps us from discovering our thirst?
In Chapters 3 & 4, you draw from your teachings from Seven Desires of the Heart. What insights have you learned about the 7 desires since you originally wrote the Seven Desires book?
Die to self – I thought you would go directly for the Cost of Discipleship verses.
What clicks in a person that finally brings him to surrender?

4 PODCAST INTERVIEWS WITH DR. LAASER

#1 General Questions and Introduction to the Man of Valor Series – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#2 Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#3 Taking Every Thought Captive – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#4 Becoming a Man of Valor – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

MEET DR. MARK LAASER

Dr. Mark Laaser is an internationally known author and speaker who has written several books, including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Pornography Trap. He and his wife Debbie started Faithful and True Ministries to counsel couples healing from sexual addiction.

www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

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Book Review: Taking Every Thought Captive by Dr. Mark Laaser

December 27, 2011

MEN OF VALOR SERIES BOOK 2: TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/taking-every-thought-captive/ The second book in Dr. Mark Laaser’s Men of Valor series Becoming a Man of Valor hovers around a big challenge for guys: developing a godly thought life. The author definitely deals with curbing immoral sexual thoughts in the book, but he’s quick to [...]

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Book Review: The Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men by Dr. Mark Laaser

December 20, 2011

MEN OF VALOR SERIES BOOK 1: THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES OF HIGHLY ACCOUNTABLE MEN http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/the-seven-priniciples-of-highly-accountable-men/ It would be cruel if I reviewed this book and didn’t list the seven principles for you, so here they are: Accountability begins with brokenness, confession and repentance. Accountability requires your being able to talk about your feelings and needs. Accountability [...]

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Accountability, Pure Thoughts, Pure Life: Men of Valor Series by Dr. Mark Laaser

December 19, 2011

I think these books could save you about $1000 in counseling fees. Of course, reading books don’t replace the personal attention and specialized training you get from a counselor. But if you had a chance to sit with one of the most respected Christian counselors in the sexual addiction recovery field, wouldn’t you want to [...]

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Book Review: Dirty Girls Come Clean by Crystal Renaud

October 25, 2011

In the war on pornography, Crystal Renaud just unleashed a torpedo. Until now, there have been very few resources geared specifically for women who struggle with pornography. With the recent release of Crystal’s book “Dirty Girls Come Clean” women now have the tools they need to fight a battle that many assume only ensnares men. [...]

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Secrets: Finding Grace on Day 108

June 21, 2011

But we’ll never find these type of true friends – the Day 108 friends, until we share our secrets.

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How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex – Book Review (Marsha)

May 3, 2011

I recently posted this book review on the Covenant Eyes blog. Click HERE to see the original post. As the mother of an eleven year old and a five year old, I was eager to read Stan and Brenna’s Jones’ award winning book How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex. My husband and [...]

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