Building a Support System

Listening – Critical to Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on May 7, 2012

The quicker you learn the importance of listening, the better off you’ll be in your sexual purity.

If you are seeking to be sexually pure, or recovering from sexual sin you’re not going to learn anything if you do all the talking.

THE “ALL ABOUT ME” PHASE
When a person comes into recovery, the pain is real. They are at their end. Parts of their life may have fallen apart. Secret behaviors were discovered. They are in a lot of pain, and probably haven’t talked to many people about it.

People in pain want to talk about their pain. They don’t know anything else. They know they are hurting and miserable and have to work it out.

They are generally not in a “listening mode”.

The job of the friend, counselor, or support group is to listen and let him vent. They need to be supportive and loving and not try to offer stacks of advice.

THE “I’VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT” PHASE
Even worse than the “all about me” phase is when a person thinks he has all the answers. More talking ensues. He has his problems figured out. He has all the answers. Everything will be fine. His weeks are always good with no struggles.

Sometimes this happens when a person starts getting a little bit of knowledge about his sexual recovery. Maybe he reads a book that turns some lights on. Maybe he shares the truth for the first time and feels freed. It’s good to be here, but a person is probably still talking too much.

When we think we’ve got it all figured out, we don’t listen to the wisdom of others.

THE “WHAT NOW?” PHASE
When a person stops talking, and starts listening, it’s a glorious thing! It might happen after a relapse or failure. It might happen during a withdrawal phase, or grief phase. There may be a consequence that knocks him off his pedestal to get him to the point of not knowing what to do.

At some point, a person in recovery starts saying, “I don’t have th question-mark e answers. I don’t know what to do. What now?”

This person is ready. Ready to hear others stories and wisdom. Ready to listen to the Holy Spirit and to the guidance of God’s Word. We listen best when we run out of solutions. When we run out of ourselves.

SOME ADVICE FROM JEFF
I was in this phase for about 8 months. It was all about me and my consequences. I had a lot of loss in my life and it made my grief phase difficult. My situation changed only as I started to listen to others.

So puke it out early. Share. Dump out your story. You need to talk about it. Then shut your lips for a while and listen to others. They have a lot to say.

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

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A New Guy at Group Shares His Story

by Jeff Fisher on April 13, 2012

We had a guy come to our men’s purity group recently, and it was the highlight of my week to hear him talk.

I love to hear a new person share his junk for the first time. There is a fresh brokenness in many new guys. There is a strong desire to figure it out. Tons of questions. A new guy has started walking in the truth and has been dying to sharing it with others, whether he knows it or not.

Here our some of my reflections on the new guy coming to Group…

1. Reminds me of my own story – I can completely identify with someone sharing their junk and how they got found out. He is a regular guy just like me. All of the guys in group are normal guys with problems that are too big for them.

2. Makes me thankful for God’s grace and mercy – I could have gone a lot further. I might have broken some other bottom lines that would have cost me my marriage, kids & career. I could have been found out a lot later. I am thankful that God caused me to be found out. I am also thankful that God came in and flooded my hurt with his love, grace & mercy.

3. My heart goes out to the new guy – I was there not too long ago. I sit with him in his pain. I am reminded of my hurts.

4. Great to see the light go on – At some point, “the light goes on” for the person in recovery. A new guy to Group has revelations about himself and his addiction all the time. I would have been lost unless God had used His Spirit of Truth, and other men to help “turn the light on”.

5. Our Group ministered to him – Our sexual addiction group is at its best when it reaches out to a hurting guy and ministers to him. There was empathy, encouragement, and counsel. I felt the strength of the Group pour out to this guy. I was glad to be a part of it.

I hope that you are part of a men’s purity group or some sort of sexual addiction group. It has been an essential component to my recovery and growth during these past 18 months.

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

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10 Reasons You Might Not Need Your Sexual Recovery Group Anymore

by Jeff Fisher on December 31, 2011

10 REASONS YOU MIGHT NOT NEED YOUR RECOVERY GROUP ANYMORE

10. You’ve got this purity thing ALL figured out. You’re currently working on your own “How-To” book.

9. You’ve had 2 weeks of sobriety, so you must be healthy.

8. You and your wife are getting along spendidly, and you have perfectly restored her trust in you.

7. You have moved from selfish and isolated to fully serving and connected.

6. You’re already leading two other recovery groups… a third is just too much!

5. You’ve been to a counselor once… that’s enough, right?

4. You had a perfect set of parents who never wounded you, a healthy childhood and adolescence, and have no girlfriend baggage to heal from.

3. You’re getting along fine with your right eye gouged out and your right hand cut off. (bible reference points!)

2. Doug Weiss and Mark Laaser are now calling you for advice.

1. If you begin every group meeting with ”Hello, my name is Jesus…”

–

Jeff Fisher of www.porntopurity.com

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How Do I Find a Support Group in My Area?

by Jeff Fisher on September 20, 2011

One of the most popular FAQ we get emails about is to help others find counselors or groups in their area.

Most sexual addiction support groups are not advertised. Shouldn’t surprise you should it? But when you’re struggling you wish groups were easier to find. This will give you a jump start.

My biggest encouragement: Keep trying. Getting into a good group is golden! It’s worth the time and effort.

HOW TO FIND A GROUP IN YOUR AREA

You need to try out several groups. CR, SAA, and others. Many of them don’t advertise so you have to dig a little bit.

CR Groups (www.celebraterecovery.com) – the plus is that they are Christian groups, they deal with addictions and junk; the negative is that every church does it differently and sometimes you get alcohol and drug addicts mixed in with sex addicts. OK, but not the specific help you need.

I have found that larger, more established churches will have better CR programs. You should email the director and ask, but don’t avoid these groups. Email a couple of guys, then try a couple of them out.

SAA, SA Groups (www.sa.org ; www.sa-recovery.org )- the plus is that these are people with common struggles. These groups are highly structured and walk the steps. They have sponsors. The negative is that many are secular and some guys are only trying to “manage” their addiction, instead of seek God’s deliverance from it.

I would encourage you to check one of these groups out. See what the chemistry is like. You’ll benefit from it.

Raleigh Area - www.saatriangle.org

Every Man’s Battle Group Search. Type in your zip code and see if there is anything nearby.
http://newlife.com/life-group-search

Be Broken Ministries Group Search:
http://bebroken.com/bb/services/groups

Pure Desire.org Group Search:
http://www.puredesire.org/what/partner.asp?state=MA#church

Celebrate Recovery Group Search (Rick Warren):
Go to the top of the page where it says “Group Finder” and locate your state:
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/?page_id=63

How to Google For Groups

Since most groups are not advertised you have to do a little digging.

Look for churches with strong men’s ministries. Usually larger churches with good websites.
Look for Christian counselors in the area and call their offices. They know where the “under the radar” support groups are, and they might have one themselves.
Need help finding a Christian counselor? http://www.aacc.net/
Carefully Google these terms: “Christian sexual addiction groups”, “sexual addiction groups”, “recovery groups”, “addiction recovery” and then include your city or state in the search.
Check out a ministry that does Telephone Groups or Telephone Counseling (next resource list)

I’M STILL HAVING TROUBLE FINDING A GROUP
Thankfully, there are still resources. Get involved in a telephone group or regular telephone sessions with a counselor. Here are some of the top ones we know.

TELEPHONE GROUPS AND COUNSELING

Pure Life Ministries
www.purelifeministries.org

Very comprehensive site. Live-in program for men. At-home program for individuals and couples. Telephone counseling for men and women. Great podcast. Many free resources. Men, ask for JEFF COLON or BRAD FURGES. Women, ask for ROSE COLON and tell her Jeff and Marsha of Porn to Purity sent you.

Healing For the Soul
http://www.healingforthesoul.org/

HFTS has many men and women counselors on staff. They do phone therapy and have phone groups. Jayson Graves is the director and knows Jeff personally.

Faithful and True Ministries (Dr. Mark Laaser)

http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

Dr. Mark Laaser is an expert in the area of sex addiction. He and his wife Debra have great resources and workbooks for addicts and spouses of addicts. They offer counseling and phone groups for women.

OUR CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com

marsha@porntopurity.com

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The Right Tools Make Recovery Easier

by Jeff Fisher on August 31, 2011

On my way to work this morning I noticed a guy mowing his large, overgrown yard with a tiny mower. It was a “20 horsepower riding lawnmower job” being done with a “4 horsepower gas mower”. The job was not impossible, but it was definitely the kind that you would want a riding lawnmower for. Either this guy was trying to get his exercise, or he was over his head in grass.

He needed the right tool to do the job. The job was going to get done, but with a lot more sweat, effort and frustration than necessary.

THE RIGHT TOOLS FOR GETTING OUT OF OUR ADDICTION
There’s no easy way out of sexual addiction. We have put in years of hard work to get where we are. Years of bad habits, patterns and dependency on our behaviors. Is it possible to dig out of it by ourselves? Possibly. But it’s a lot easier with the right tools and help. Big tools and extra hands make the job go by so much better.

SUPPORT GROUP – These are the people who stick by you. They know your story and they love you anyway. Your support group may include: a sexual recovery group, accountability partners, best friends, church family, or your spouse.

SKILLED PEOPLE – Some people are trained or experienced in helping hurting people. Certainly counselors fit in here. Certain ministers understand sexual recovery. And many other men, women, and couples have been through sex addiction recovery. It may take some time to find them, but they are out there.

Freebie - We have several ministries listed on the right-side of our website page. Start there if you are looking for skilled hands. Or email us at pornpurity@gmail.com and we can point you in some right directions.

GROWING DEPENDENCE ON GOD – It may start off tiny, but God can help you depend on Him. Just start talking to Him. Start with your anger and emotions. He can take it. But get real with God. Ask God to make Himself real to you in this struggle. Ask Him to help you turn to Him. Ask Him to help you surrender the struggles to Him.

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Support Groups: Our 5-Point SCARF Groundrules

August 17, 2011

I wanted to repost this. As our Saturday men’s recovery group has gained a couple of new members lately, we have been revisiting some of our basic ground rules. This SCARF model has become a good model for us. It works for bible study groups as well as recovery groups. S–SAFE We are a safe place [...]

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Can I Have a Perfect Check-in?

July 15, 2011

This week I’ve been thinking about Perfect Week Guy. The guy who is doing well in his sexual purity journey and sexual addiction recovery, but doesn’t seem to be growing. Sometimes perfect week guy: Consistently shares very little Has a very short check-in Is not reflecting his struggles or sins Belittles others who are not [...]

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The Importance of Breaking New Ground

July 12, 2011

Hey, “Perfect Week” Guy! I’m talking to you this week! You know, the guy who always struggled and fell sexually a few months ago, but now he’s not having any issues, any struggles, and his account of his week is short. Perfect Week Guy is probably ready to break new ground. THE IMPORTANCE OF BREAKING [...]

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One Guy in Group Who Always Had a Perfect Week

July 11, 2011

You might call this week “perfect week” on the Porn to Purity blog. I’m addressing the guy who seems to be batting 100% in his recovery. I worry about the guy who thinks he’s doing so well in his recovery that he: Has near perfect check-ins every week Never has slips or major struggles Everything [...]

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My Response to “Perfect Week” Guy

June 9, 2011

I want to address the guy in support group that says “I had a great week.” “I didn’t have any problems this week.” “I didn’t have any struggles.” I have two responses for this guy with two corresponding hats. MY CHEERLEADER HAT My initial response is, “Good for you!” Way to go, dude! You’re doing [...]

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I’ve Never Been to Counseling Before – 7 Cautions

June 7, 2011

Recently, I’ve heard several guys and couples mention that they’ve never been to counseling before. “You know, in our 11 years of marriage, we’ve never been to counseling” “I was never bad enough to need counseling.” “God is my counselor, why would I need to pay someone for that?” Some talk about counseling like it [...]

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