Church / Ministry

Tips For Helping Others in Crisis

by Jeff Fisher on April 23, 2012

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** I’ve begun contributing to Pastors.com, a fantastic site that helps ministers be better ministers.  I wanted to share this article on crisis with you.  Perhaps it will help you come alongside others, or give you insights to your own recovery.

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As ministers we get 911 calls to our cell phones, 911 visits to our offices, and 911 emails on a regular basis. People are in crisis and they are turning to you for help in the midst of their crisis.

I work largely with individuals and couples whose crisis centers around sexual sin. But I think the steps I follow and have shared below can be applied to most any type of crisis.

THINK CAR ACCIDENT
It helps me to imagine the person in crisis as just having been in a car accident.  The accident may have been caused by their actions. Or it may be an accident they were caught up in. Thinking “car accident” helps me respond with the proper level of seriousness.  Because I was not involved in the accident myself, I have to be aware that their crisis may not be a big deal to me. I run the risk of being flippant and not caring as much as I need to. I want to stay in a spirit of loving compassion.  On the other hand, I don’t need to overreact to the crisis. I need to be able to help the person without riding the roller coaster of emotions with them. If the situation becomes too hard for me to be an effective minister, I need to pass it along to someone who can handle it better.

TRIAGE THE CRISIS
The first key step is to get informed about the situation. Obviously, some sort of trauma has happened.  I need to make sure I understand the basics and what are the most immediate dangers and needs.

Hospitals call this “triage”.

Def: prioritization of patients for medical treatment:
the process of prioritizing sick or injured people for treatment according to the seriousness of the condition or injury

Triage takes time. Sometimes the person in crisis wants to immediately be told what to do and be assessed treatment. That’s not best. As a minister, I need to know what happened in order to offer the best help. I need to figure out the crisis part of their story. It could take a while to get the facts.

ASK GOOD QUESTIONS
Good questions release pressure and help me find the story:

  • What happened?
  • How did you find out?
  • What did you do next?
  • How did you react?
  • And then what happened?
  • What did your spouse say when you told him / her?

I try to keep my questions in the present. Crisis is more about getting through the moment. Don’t go too far into the past, yet.  Save that for another time, when the person has had time to reflect and can think straight. Going backwards may also be a job for a professional counselor.

EXPECT SHOCK
Emotionally – The person may be emotionally shut down, on emotional overload, filled with rage, or overcome with shame.

Physically – The crisis may be effecting their health.  In addition to tears, this could include nausea, weakness, high blood pressure, lack of appetite, fatigue, weight loss and physical pain.

Intellectually – It’s hard for a person to think straight while in crisis. He is prone to irrational or disconnected thinking. He may be obsess with trying to control the crisis, minimize it, deny it, or cover it up.

Spiritually –  The person may be struggling with fundamental spiritual beliefs.  He may blame God or be full of “why God” questions. He may be questioning his salvation or faith.  There may be disbelief, “How could God let this happen to me?”, “Why would God put us through this?”

Our counseling and resources recommendations may need to be fine tuned to where the most shock is being felt.

IT’S MORE ABOUT LISTENING AND PRESENCE
Remember, lending an ear and being there are the difference makers. It’s good to know that we don’t have to be the “experts” in every crisis situation. We don’t need personal experience in a particular crisis to be able to listen and be a support. The person in crisis needs to know they are not alone in their suffering and someone cares.

You may know a lot about what the person in crisis is going through. You may have been though a similar situation. But you’re there for support and stability. You’re helping the person navigate this traumatic moment and move toward help. Triage keeps the focus on the patient. The fullness of your knowledge and personal story could be more helpful at a later time.

CONNECT WITH RESOURCES
The need of the moment might be safety from abuse, money for an overdue bill, a place to stay for the displaced husband, or food and clothing for the homeless person. You may need a youth pastor to help with children. The police might need to be called. The family may need a referral to a lawyer, counselor, or support group. You may need to put them in touch with other individuals in the church that have gone through a similar crisis.

OFFER HOPE
Crisis spirals a person into despair and hopelessness. Dark thoughts. Hazy thinking. The Gospel is the greatest help for the person in crisis. It offers light and breaks through despair. The person doesn’t need a sermon, but a verse or passage that speaks to their crisis is extremely helpful. Don’t miss the opportunity to pray for them and promise your continued presence.

WHAT TIPS WOULD YOU OFFER?
Q:  What’s been helpful for you to remember when working with people in crisis?

Q: What other tips would you suggest?

jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Start Helping Others With Their Porn Problem

by Jeff Fisher on December 30, 2011

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large_goatee_mustache.jpg image by samc425

Tom looks kind of like this.

Tom, a friend of mine,  has worked with guys dealing with sexual addiction for many years.  He has led sexual recovery groups, and meets with several guys each week.  I was curious when a guy in recovery is ready to start helping others.


1.  When are guys who are recovering from porn addiction ready to help others?
It varies with each person, but essentially they are ready to help others as soon as they begin their healing. I would say that it helps us as much as it does the person we are helping. It is always easier to see issues in others than in ourselves, but it helps to reveal our own deep issues when we see it in others.

2.  What are some things a guy needs to have progress on, in order to start helping others?
 They should be out of the “crisis” stage before reaching out to help anyone else. If a guy has been having in an ongoing affair he should end the affair before reaching out to anyone else. Or if he has been masturbating a couple of times a day,  that should diminish considerably prior to helping another person. They should also be in some recovery program prior to helping someone else.

3.  What are the key components to helping others?
Mainly to talk about their own struggles. I have found that the biggest issue addicts deal with is the belief that they are the only one doing this, or the only one doing it to that degree. The shame involved is immense and fuels the addiction, so hearing from another person that they struggle in a similar way helps to break down that false belief. It also opens the door to sharing their own issues more easily. Any success they have had will also encourage the person they are helping.


4.  Why are groups so helpful to helping others?
One of the biggest benefits is hearing that others struggle in the same areas. Groups also give you eyes/ears/experiences to help you see things that you cannot.  Accountability helps,  but it is only as good as the person leading the group. The more transparent the leader, the more open the group members will be.


band_of_brother5.  How do you do accountability when you’re helping other guys?
Accountability is modeled by the leader or leaders. Even if there isn’t a designated leader someone will always fill that role and it is important that they are transparent and humble. I have found that it was more valuable to the group that I confessed when I slipped than if I didn’t say anything about it. I thought that it would hinder their recovery if they knew that the group leader still slipped at times but I was completely wrong.

Jesus is our standard.  The group leader needs to be an example of honesty and openness. I try to confess anything I am struggling with even if it has nothing to do with sexual addiction. Marriage, kids, job, my walk with Christ, anger, overeating, laziness, etc. Wherever I am struggling it is important that I share that, and of course if I am struggling with temptation that would be a very good thing to share.


6.  How do you know a guy is serious about getting better?
If they are willing to come to the meetings regularly and share what they are struggling with it is a good sign. If not, then they are probably not serious about getting healthy, and are just looking to check off that they went to a group.

They also need to be reading books on sexual addiction recovery and contacting other guys throughout the week.

Counseling is something I HIGHLY recommend for every addict and co-addict, in addition to being in a group.

I use the analogy of a gym membership. You can join a club, even show up regularly, but it you don’t use the equipment or work out then you aren’t serious about getting in shape.

Thanks, Tom for the good advice!

Pastor Search Committee: Do You Ask Questions About Porn?

by Jeff Fisher on October 31, 2011

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Porn to purity readers… I have a question for you:

Q:  If you were interviewing a candidate for a ministry position, what questions could you ask to find out about a person’s sexual struggles or struggles with pornography?

I had a ministry friend ask me this question recently.

Email me with your thoughts:  jeff@porntopurity.com or leave a comment

Next week I’ll share some of your suggestions (anonymously), and I’ll share some of my thoughts.

Church Leaders Who Struggle – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

by Jeff Fisher on October 28, 2011

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I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography.

I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed to help you with the process.

  • The need for authentic environments
  • How not to be paralyzed by our fears
  • The importance of walking in truth and integrity
  • Who do I share with first?
  • How do I share my sexual struggles with church leaders?

 

A CHALLENGING FOLLOW-UP QUESTION
Q:  I am a minister and actively working on my sexual struggles with my church family.  I started struggling when I was a pastor of another church.  Should I share my struggle with my former church family?

I am impressed at how you are showing true fruits of repentance.  You have submitted to authority.  You are consulting with wise counsel and with your wife.  And now you are asking a question about how far should your confession go.  You are showing brokenness, humility, you have a sense of the consequences of your actions, and you want to make everything right.

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Let me offer a few thoughts on your questions about confessing to former churches.

I think you should follow the counsel of your counselors and of your wife on this one.  I suspect that they are pretty good barometers for you and the depth of your confession.

Here are some exceptions:

  1. If you had stepped over the “flesh” line with someone from a former church, there’s no question, that’s unfinished business.
  2. If you had developed an emotional affair with someone from another congregation, that calls for a confession.
  3. I think if you lied to your elders or leaders directly about your use of pornography, that’s something you would want to consider confessing.

You may have a chance in the future to talk with former church elders or members about what God has done in your life.  Your story is important as a testimony of God’s grace and a godly model of restoration.

It’s not that your porn use at your former churches did not effect your ministry, of course it did.  Porn, lust, fantasy, and sexual sin are idols and take the energy we could have used for God’s purposes and point them in wrong directions.  But you are no longer under their authority.  You were under the authority of the church you were removed from.  That is the church body that you must be primarily concerned with.

One thing I’m certain of… if there is something you feel you need to confess to your former church and your counselors and wife concur, you must talk to the current pastor first.  He is the shepherd now, and he needs to know about a reveal that would affect his church.

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I’m praying for you church leaders.  We have to value authenticity, walk in the light, find safe people to talk to, take risks, and trust the Lord with the next steps.

jeff@porntopurity.com

CHURCH LEADERS WHO STRUGGLE SERIES
1.0 – Let’s Talk About Authenticity
2.0 -Let’s Talk About Our Fears
3.0 – Whom Do I Talk to First?  How Do I Share?
4.0 – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

 

Church Leaders Who Struggle: Whom Do I Talk to First? How Do I Share?

by Jeff Fisher on October 17, 2011

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I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography.

I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed to help you with the process.

  • The need for authentic environments
  • How not to be paralyzed by our fears
  • The importance of walking in truth and integrity
  • Who do I share with first?
  • How do I share my sexual struggles with church leaders?

—

WHOM DO I SHARE WITH FIRST?

Exercise wisdom in how you begin sharing your struggles.

If you are taking the initiative and are ready to share, here is a suggestion for the order. Each step will help you to be courageous, gather support, and give you wisdom about the next step.
If we share in an unwise way, a lot more damage can be done. If we have been holding onto secrets, we are probably not in the best frame of mind to do it all alone. God has provided several levels of wise people around you that can help you with the process.

1. Talk with someone safe first – a counselor, another pastor, a trusted friend. If you can’t find a counselor in your area with whom you feel safe, call ministries like Focus on the Family, Heart to Heart Ministries, Pure Life Ministries, or Be Broken Ministries.

2. You need to share with your spouse – The closest person in your circle will need to know what’s going on. God has given you a spouse to help you. Your spouse may not be a safe person to share with, and that’s why you need to share with a counselor first. A counselor can help you know how to share with your spouse.

3. Denominational leaders / Mentors – The next in your authority chain is probably your denominational leaders, or at least spiritual mentors. If you are going to share with your church leaders, you need the perspective of other wise people. Denominational leaders have probably already assisted other ministers with sexual struggles. They might even have specific training on the matter. They will be able to give you guidance on how to share with your church leaders.

4. Legal Counsel – If you have victimized someone or done something illegal, you will want to get a lawyer. Getting a lawyer is not to help you hide or craft a defense. Lawyers can be help you to be wise about how to proceed if you have broken the law or victimized someone.

 

HOW DO I SHARE WITH MY CHURCH LEADERS?

 

When my wife and I met with the leaders of our church plant, I shared what had happened. I shared how my struggles had a long history and how they had escalated recently. I shared about my cover-up and the intervention. I shared the advice of my mentors and I sought the forgiveness and prayers of my leaders.
One mistake we made: We decided to share the details with our church leaders, but not tell the church members that we were having marital problems. It seemed good at the time, but it put our leaders in a difficult position with the church of not sharing some things. It paved the way for rumors of what “really” happened. It also indirectly taught our church leaders that certain things are too bad to be shared in this community. It taught them there was a limit to authenticity.

1. Share with your “inner circle” of leaders first – A general rule of thumb is, “The leaders closest to you need to hear it first.” If you don’t have an “inner circle” of elders, deacons, or counsel in your church, have the leaders all gathered together. But if your church is structured with several circles, start with the leaders who are closest to you.

 

They don’t need to be blindsided by a huge announcement. You owe them your time, and they can be some of your biggest supporters to help with the other steps.

Ask your “inner circle” to be at all subsequent meetings. Ask them to keep the information in confidentiality until you share with all of your church leaders.

2. Share privately with your leaders as a group – You need to have a private meeting with those in your larger leadership circle. Don’t share individually. Every leader needs to hear the same story. Your “inner circle” needs to be at this meeting.

3. Share humbly – You are not there to defend your behavior or minimize it. You recognize that you have a secret and you need help. You have struggles that cannot be handled alone, and you need their assistance.

4. Share the evolution of the problem and the basics – Your leaders need to know how your struggles began and grew. They need to know how deep it got. They probably don’t need every detail, but you need to share how this came about.

5. Answer questions truthfully – It may be hard, but your leaders make ask you some tough questions. You owe it to them to be truthful. If you have already shared the details with “safe people,” you will be better prepared for the additional question from your leaders.

6. Be prepared for some “lash out” – You can’t control how people react to sin. Sexual sin to many is a “more grievous type of sin.” Your leaders may be shocked and angry. You need to listen, take it, and not be defensive. The best chance for your leaders to get behind you is for you to take a humble posture.

7. Ask for forgiveness – This may seem obvious, but you have sinned against them. You have broken their trust in you, and wronged them.

8. It would helpful to have a denominational leader or mentor there with you – If you have a denominational elder who can be there, he can help guide the process. He can be an advisor for what the church needs to do next. He can be a support for you in this difficult process.

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I’m praying for you church leaders.  We have to value authenticity, walk in the light, find safe people to talk to, take risks, and trust the Lord with the next steps.

jeff@porntopurity.com

CHURCH LEADERS WHO STRUGGLE SERIES
1.0 – Let’s Talk About Authenticity
2.0 -Let’s Talk About Our Fears
3.0 – Whom Do I Talk to First?  How Do I Share?
4.0 – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

Church Leaders Who Struggle: Let’s Talk About Our Fears

October 11, 2011

I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography. I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed [...]

Read the full article →

Church Leaders Who Struggle: Let’s Talk About Authenticity

October 4, 2011

I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography. I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed [...]

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9 Sexual Words You Can’t Say in Church

May 17, 2011

I got to thinking about Nine words we should be able to say in church (in the right setting) that would help people with their sexual struggles.

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Sexual Addiction: 2 Ways Ministers Helped Me and 5 Ways They Could Have Helped Me

April 28, 2011

My counselor asked me to share my story with a group of pastors recently.  The Pastor’s meeting was focusing on ministering to the broken and he thought my story would be helpful.  He also asked me to share how ministers helped me through my sexual addiction recovery and how they could have helped me.  Most [...]

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Confession: Pastor Suffering the Consequences of Sexual Sin and Finding God’s Grace

March 29, 2011

I get a daily email from Every Man’s Battle that pulls from the content on XXX Church contains their recent blogs and entries on their confession page. Some of the confessions have some great reminders of how real the struggle for sexual purity is and the consequences of our sexual decisions. I wanted to share [...]

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How Do I Go Public With My Sexual Struggles?

February 14, 2011

“How Do I Go Public With My Sexual Struggles?” This question comes from a Porn to Purity reader who wants God to use his story in a more public way. WHAT DOES “GOING PUBLIC MEAN”? For the purpose of this blog, “going public” means “sharing your story outside of your normal circle of support.” Consider [...]

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