Counseling

Listening – Critical to Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on May 7, 2012

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The quicker you learn the importance of listening, the better off you’ll be in your sexual purity.

If you are seeking to be sexually pure, or recovering from sexual sin you’re not going to learn anything if you do all the talking.

 

 

THE “ALL ABOUT ME” PHASE
When a person comes into recovery, the pain is real.  They are at their end.  Parts of their life may have fallen apart.  Secret behaviors were discovered.  They are in a lot of pain, and probably haven’t talked to many people about it.

People in pain want to talk about their pain.  They don’t know anything else.  They know they are hurting and miserable and have to work it out.

They are generally not in a “listening mode”.

The job of the friend, counselor, or support group is to listen and let him vent.  They need to be supportive and loving and not try to offer stacks of advice.

THE “I’VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT” PHASE
Even worse than the “all about me” phase is when a person thinks he has all the answers.  More talking ensues.  He has his problems figured out.  He has all the answers.  Everything will be fine.  His weeks are always good with no struggles.

Sometimes this happens when a person starts getting a little bit of knowledge about his sexual recovery.  Maybe he reads a book that turns some lights on.  Maybe he shares the truth for the first time and feels freed.  It’s good to be here, but a person is probably still talking too much.

When we think we’ve got it all figured out, we don’t listen to the wisdom of others.

THE “WHAT NOW?” PHASE
When a person stops talking, and starts listening, it’s a glorious thing!  It might happen after a relapse or failure.  It might happen during a withdrawal phase, or grief phase.  There may be a consequence that knocks him off his pedestal to get him to the point of not knowing what to do.

At some point, a person in recovery starts saying, “I don’t have thquestion-marke answers.  I don’t know what to do.  What now?”

This person is ready.  Ready to hear others stories and wisdom.  Ready to listen to the Holy Spirit and to the guidance of God’s Word.  We listen best when we run out of solutions.  When we run out of ourselves.

SOME ADVICE FROM JEFF
I was in this phase for about 8 months.  It was all about me and my consequences.  I had a lot of loss in my life and it made my grief phase difficult.  My situation changed only as I started to listen to others.

So puke it out early.  Share.  Dump out your story.  You need to talk about it.  Then shut your lips for a while and listen to others.  They have a lot to say.

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Great Sexual Addiction Resources in the Raleigh, NC Area

by Jeff Fisher on December 9, 2011

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Marsha and I live just outside of Raleigh, NC.  We’re amazed at the number of people we meet through our website who live nearby.

Eventually, I’ll create a Raleigh page on our resource tab.  But for now, I wanted to share some of the best resources in our area.

** Note **
We have a few close friends and couples who have experienced sexual addiction in their marriage and successfully navigated through.  We have not included their names and numbers on this list.  All of the resources below are professional counselors or groups that have been around for a while.

If you live near Raleigh, send us an email.  Let’s connect and continue building a great resource network!

jeff@porntopurity.com
marsha@porntopurity.com

 

GROUPS IN THE RALEIGH AREA

Providence Baptist Church of Raleigh has a men’s purity group on Wednesday nights, 7-9pm
www.pray.org

Jeff Fisher of Porn to Purity.com leads a men’s sexual addiction recovery group in Apex, NC at a local church on Saturday mornings, 9-11am.
jeff@porntopurity.com

Sexual Addicts Anonymous and a listing of groups and contacts
www.saatriangle.org

 

CHRISTIAN COUNSELORS FOR MEN WITH SEXUAL ADDICTION TRAINING

Dr. Jerry Lankford – Jeff’s counselor at the Biblical Wellness Center, 1215 Jones Franklin Rd, Suite 201, Raleigh, NC 27606  (919) 851-1527
Jerry.Lankford@lifecarecc.com

Dr. Bill Venable – Another great counselor at the Biblical Wellness Center, 1215 Jones Franklin Rd, Suite 201, Raleigh, NC 27606  (919) 851-1527
Bill.Venable@lifecarecc.com

Ricky Mill- He is the Shepherding Pastor at Providence Baptist Church and he has begun a counseling ministry.  Ricky oversees the Men’s Sexual Integrity group at Providence and works with many sexual strugglers.
http://www.barnabasministriesofthetriangle.com/
ricky.counselingbmott@gmail.com

 

CHRISTIAN COUNSELORS FOR SPOUSES OF STRUGGLERS OR WOMEN ADDICTS WITH SEXUAL ADDICTION TRAINING

Debbie Neel, Raleigh
5540 Centerview Drive, Suite 200, Raleigh, NC 27606
(919) 781-8810 Telephone
www.atriumpsychology.com
DrDeb@atriumpsychology.com

She is a licensed Christian sex therapist, and is amazing.  She teaches classes at Providence Baptist Church seasonally on intimacy.  She was Marsha’s first counselor.

 

Marilyn Harding, Raleigh
919-469-2477
Marsha’s current counselor, and the counselor we go to for couples counseling.  Fantastic for both wife and husband.

Two Phenomenal Recovery Questions That Will Save You $100

by Jeff Fisher on December 8, 2011

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I want to save you $100 right now!

My counselor, Dr. Jerry Lankford, is fantastic and would love your business.  But when I encounter new challenges to my recovery and new wounds he always seems to come back to two key questions he wants me to ask:

1.  God, what are your teaching me?

2.  God, what’s the truth of my situation?

The recovery process brings some of the most challenging situations to the forefront.  You are confronted with the truth of your self.  Many of your relationships are struggling with trust and anger issues.  You are experiencing a wide range of emotions, among them:  shock, grief, fear, loneliness, anger, hopelessness and despair.  You are uncovering wounds you didn’t know you had, and feeling new levels of pain.  You struggle to find the support you need and don’t always know what the next step should be.

These two questions are important to keep asking yourself.

GOD, WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING ME?
In the middle of recovery, it’s easy to lose track of the “Big Picture”.  God has allowed you to get found out and for this pain to come for His divine reasons.  Our hearts have not been fully devoted to Him and He is now trying to help us get to a better place.

Q:  What is that better place?

A:  How can we know without talking to God about it?

If you have a tough new circumstance, failure, pain, or a wound, talk to God about it.  Ask this key question.  Involve God in it and give Him room and time to speak.

GOD, WHAT’S THE TRUTH OF MY SITUATION?
We believe a lot of lies about our recovery and about our circumstances.  When our circumstances get tough and the emotions get flying, we lose sight of the truth of our situation.  Emotional reactions are not often based on facts, but on the way we feel.  Many times the truth of our situation is much different from how we feel.

  • I’m worthless.
  • My situation is hopeless.
  • I’m all alone.
  • God doesn’t care about me.
  • My spouse is better off with someone else.
  • My marriage is over.
  • I’ll never be able to be free of my sexual behaviors.
  • I’ll never be able to change.
  • The pain is too great to deal with.
  • It’s easier to go back to the way I was.

 

God knows exactly what’s going on in your life, and He knows the truth.  Ask Him.

God also works through others:  mature friends, ministers, counselors, your support group.  Share your struggle and your feelings with them.  Let them help you separate truth from lies.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Q:  What other great things have you heard from your counselor that would save us a $100 counseling session?

How Do I Find a Support Group in My Area?

by Jeff Fisher on September 20, 2011

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One of the most popular FAQ we get emails about is to help others find counselors or groups in their area.

Most sexual addiction support groups are not advertised.  Shouldn’t surprise you should it?  But when you’re struggling you wish groups were easier to find.  This will give you a jump start.

My biggest encouragement:  Keep trying.  Getting into a good group is golden!  It’s worth the time and effort.

 

HOW TO FIND A GROUP IN YOUR AREA

You need to try out several groups.  CR, SAA, and others.  Many of them don’t advertise so you have to dig a little bit.

CR Groups (www.celebraterecovery.com) – the plus is that they are Christian groups, they deal with addictions and junk; the negative is that every church does it differently and sometimes you get alcohol and drug addicts mixed in with sex addicts.  OK, but not the specific help you need.

I have found that larger, more established churches will have better CR programs.  You should email the director and ask, but don’t avoid these groups.  Email a couple of guys, then try a couple of them out.

SAA, SA Groups (www.sa.org ; www.sa-recovery.org )- the plus is that these are people with common struggles.  These groups are highly structured and walk the steps.  They have sponsors.  The negative is that many are secular and some guys are only trying to “manage” their addiction, instead of seek God’s deliverance from it.

I would encourage you to check one of these groups out.  See what the chemistry is like.  You’ll benefit from it.

Raleigh Area -  www.saatriangle.org

 

Every Man’s Battle Group Search.  Type in your zip code and see if there is anything nearby.
http://newlife.com/life-group-search

Be Broken Ministries Group Search:
http://bebroken.com/bb/services/groups

Pure Desire.org Group Search:
http://www.puredesire.org/what/partner.asp?state=MA#church

Celebrate Recovery Group Search (Rick Warren):
Go to the top of the page where it says “Group Finder” and locate your state:
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/?page_id=63

 

How to Google For Groups

Since most groups are not advertised you have to do a little digging.

  1. Look for churches with strong men’s ministries.  Usually larger churches with good websites.
  2. Look for Christian counselors in the area and call their offices.  They know where the “under the radar” support groups are, and they might have one themselves.

    Need help finding a Christian counselor? http://www.aacc.net/

  3. Carefully Google these terms:  “Christian sexual addiction groups”, “sexual addiction groups”, “recovery groups”, “addiction recovery”  and then include your city or state in the search.
  4. Check out a ministry that does Telephone Groups or Telephone Counseling (next resource list)

 

I’M STILL HAVING TROUBLE FINDING A GROUP
Thankfully, there are still resources.  Get involved in a telephone group or regular telephone sessions with a counselor.  Here are some of the top ones we know.

 

TELEPHONE GROUPS AND COUNSELING

Pure Life Ministries
www.purelifeministries.org

Very comprehensive site.  Live-in program for men.  At-home program for individuals and couples.  Telephone counseling for men and women.  Great podcast.  Many free resources.  Men, ask for JEFF COLON or BRAD FURGES.  Women, ask for ROSE COLON and tell her Jeff and Marsha of Porn to Purity sent you.

Healing For the Soul
http://www.healingforthesoul.org/

HFTS has many men and women counselors on staff.  They do phone therapy and have phone groups.  Jayson Graves is the director and knows Jeff personally.

Faithful and True Ministries (Dr. Mark Laaser)

http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

Dr. Mark Laaser is an expert in the area of sex addiction. He and his wife Debra have great resources and workbooks for addicts and spouses of addicts.  They offer counseling and phone groups for women.

 

OUR CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com

marsha@porntopurity.com

Going to Counseling For the First Time – Fears and Truths

by Jeff Fisher on July 25, 2011

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I wanted to share some of the thoughts and fears I had the first time I went to counseling.

I wasn’t forced to go to counseling. I wanted to go. I had confessed to my wife my struggles with pornography.  Going to counseling seemed like the natural “next step” for me to get help for my problem.

I did go to counseling, but not without a handful of fears.  Counseling can be a scary thing. It’s a huge step for people to step into a counseling office. Hopefully, sharing my initial fears will help you. I have also written down some truths that extinguish these fears.

Here are some of my fears followed by the truths I experienced:

counselingI THOUGHT COUNSELING WAS FOR THE “REALLY MESSED UP” PEOPLE – I viewed myself as strong. I felt I was OK, but just had a weakness

Truth – Real people go to counseling. We are all “messed up” in a sense. The people who really have problems are the ones who don’t think they have any problems.

Counseling2I WAS NOT BIG ON TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS – I am not a feely, touchy guy. I didn’t want to be all mushy in counseling.

Truth – Most of my counselors would say, “No problem.” Talk about your goals. Talk about your story. You don’t have to be something you’re not. Just be who you are and we’ll go from there.

I WAS AFRAID THE COUNSELOR WOULD MESS ME UP. PSYCHO ANALYZE ME.

Truth – My counselors mostly listen. They ask questions. They are skilled in knowing where to probe and prick, but only if that’s comfortable for me. I’ve not met a counselor yet who was out to impose his own stuff on me.

counseling3I WAS AFRAID THE COUNSELOR WOULD TELL ME TO LEAVE THE MINISTRY OR TAKE A MORE EXTREME ROUTE

Truth – This fear is more about me than my counselor. I wanted to keep my job. I wanted to fix my problems privately. Sometimes this is possible. But I realized that my private behaviors had already started affecting my public life. The counselor can only make recommendations of what to do. He can’t make me take any radical steps that I’m not prepared to take myself.

I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT MIGHT REALLY BE WRONG WITH ME – I thought something might be wrong with my background or my upbringing and I didn’t want to know about it. I didn’t want to be labeled as a bad person. I wanted to be a person who had it together.

Truth – This was my pride. Really, everyone has “junk” in their lives. Things are wrong with all of us. Our backgrounds, families, experiences, and emotional makeup all contribute to who we are. So what if I ended up having a bad background. So do most people.

I WAS AFRAID OF GIVING UP CONTROL – I wasn’t feeling this at the time, but I later discovered this fear. I like to feel like I’m in control and that I can control my behavior.

Truth – This is pride again. There are plenty of things in my life that I can’t control. I have to learn to seek God for these things and seek the help of others (including counselors).

 

WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Q:  Have you been to counseling before?  What was it like?
Q:  What were your fears about counseling?  Was this what happened?

Leave a blog comment or email us a porntopurity@gmail.com

I’ve Never Been to Counseling Before – 7 Cautions

June 7, 2011

Recently, I’ve heard several guys and couples mention that they’ve never been to counseling before. “You know, in our 11 years of marriage, we’ve never been to counseling” “I was never bad enough to need counseling.” “God is my counselor, why would I need to pay someone for that?” Some talk about counseling like it [...]

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Feeling Powerless – Key Steps to Surrender (for spouses)

May 16, 2011

Guest Blogger: Stacy R. Farris of Miller Counseling Services, Raleigh, NC Who’s in Control Here? Powerlessness is a state of recognition that no matter how much we intervene in the recovery of our partner, we have no control over the outcome. Their behaviors, motivation and sobriety are out of our hands. Surrender of our idea [...]

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What to Do if Your Wife Reacts Violently to Your Addiction?

March 22, 2011

Wives get very angry when they find out about the secret things their husbands have been doing. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes they get very irrational in the ways they deal with the “big reveal”.

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Key Addiction Recovery Questions For the Married

January 28, 2011

This was first shared on May 3, 2010 when Marsha and I were attending the  Pure Life Ministries 2010 Conference. We think these reflections can be valuable to you today. One of the last sessions we went to at the conference was a couple’s session by Jeff and Rose Colon.  Both Jeff and Rose are [...]

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Who Cares If I'm Authentic or Not?

March 1, 2010

AN ATMOSPHERE OF AUTHENTICITY To be healthy, we need to be authentic with others. Don’t we long for authentic relationships?  Wouldn’t we like to be in a place where can be totally honest with others and feel safe?  Don’t we want our churches to be places where people can come with their messy lives and [...]

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Submission – Critical to Recovery

November 19, 2009

Learning to submit to others authority and wisdom is critical to living a sexually pure life.

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