Crisis Stage

Listening – Critical to Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on May 7, 2012

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The quicker you learn the importance of listening, the better off you’ll be in your sexual purity.

If you are seeking to be sexually pure, or recovering from sexual sin you’re not going to learn anything if you do all the talking.

 

 

THE “ALL ABOUT ME” PHASE
When a person comes into recovery, the pain is real.  They are at their end.  Parts of their life may have fallen apart.  Secret behaviors were discovered.  They are in a lot of pain, and probably haven’t talked to many people about it.

People in pain want to talk about their pain.  They don’t know anything else.  They know they are hurting and miserable and have to work it out.

They are generally not in a “listening mode”.

The job of the friend, counselor, or support group is to listen and let him vent.  They need to be supportive and loving and not try to offer stacks of advice.

THE “I’VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT” PHASE
Even worse than the “all about me” phase is when a person thinks he has all the answers.  More talking ensues.  He has his problems figured out.  He has all the answers.  Everything will be fine.  His weeks are always good with no struggles.

Sometimes this happens when a person starts getting a little bit of knowledge about his sexual recovery.  Maybe he reads a book that turns some lights on.  Maybe he shares the truth for the first time and feels freed.  It’s good to be here, but a person is probably still talking too much.

When we think we’ve got it all figured out, we don’t listen to the wisdom of others.

THE “WHAT NOW?” PHASE
When a person stops talking, and starts listening, it’s a glorious thing!  It might happen after a relapse or failure.  It might happen during a withdrawal phase, or grief phase.  There may be a consequence that knocks him off his pedestal to get him to the point of not knowing what to do.

At some point, a person in recovery starts saying, “I don’t have thquestion-marke answers.  I don’t know what to do.  What now?”

This person is ready.  Ready to hear others stories and wisdom.  Ready to listen to the Holy Spirit and to the guidance of God’s Word.  We listen best when we run out of solutions.  When we run out of ourselves.

SOME ADVICE FROM JEFF
I was in this phase for about 8 months.  It was all about me and my consequences.  I had a lot of loss in my life and it made my grief phase difficult.  My situation changed only as I started to listen to others.

So puke it out early.  Share.  Dump out your story.  You need to talk about it.  Then shut your lips for a while and listen to others.  They have a lot to say.

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Tips For Helping Others in Crisis

by Jeff Fisher on April 23, 2012

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** I’ve begun contributing to Pastors.com, a fantastic site that helps ministers be better ministers.  I wanted to share this article on crisis with you.  Perhaps it will help you come alongside others, or give you insights to your own recovery.

—

As ministers we get 911 calls to our cell phones, 911 visits to our offices, and 911 emails on a regular basis. People are in crisis and they are turning to you for help in the midst of their crisis.

I work largely with individuals and couples whose crisis centers around sexual sin. But I think the steps I follow and have shared below can be applied to most any type of crisis.

THINK CAR ACCIDENT
It helps me to imagine the person in crisis as just having been in a car accident.  The accident may have been caused by their actions. Or it may be an accident they were caught up in. Thinking “car accident” helps me respond with the proper level of seriousness.  Because I was not involved in the accident myself, I have to be aware that their crisis may not be a big deal to me. I run the risk of being flippant and not caring as much as I need to. I want to stay in a spirit of loving compassion.  On the other hand, I don’t need to overreact to the crisis. I need to be able to help the person without riding the roller coaster of emotions with them. If the situation becomes too hard for me to be an effective minister, I need to pass it along to someone who can handle it better.

TRIAGE THE CRISIS
The first key step is to get informed about the situation. Obviously, some sort of trauma has happened.  I need to make sure I understand the basics and what are the most immediate dangers and needs.

Hospitals call this “triage”.

Def: prioritization of patients for medical treatment:
the process of prioritizing sick or injured people for treatment according to the seriousness of the condition or injury

Triage takes time. Sometimes the person in crisis wants to immediately be told what to do and be assessed treatment. That’s not best. As a minister, I need to know what happened in order to offer the best help. I need to figure out the crisis part of their story. It could take a while to get the facts.

ASK GOOD QUESTIONS
Good questions release pressure and help me find the story:

  • What happened?
  • How did you find out?
  • What did you do next?
  • How did you react?
  • And then what happened?
  • What did your spouse say when you told him / her?

I try to keep my questions in the present. Crisis is more about getting through the moment. Don’t go too far into the past, yet.  Save that for another time, when the person has had time to reflect and can think straight. Going backwards may also be a job for a professional counselor.

EXPECT SHOCK
Emotionally – The person may be emotionally shut down, on emotional overload, filled with rage, or overcome with shame.

Physically – The crisis may be effecting their health.  In addition to tears, this could include nausea, weakness, high blood pressure, lack of appetite, fatigue, weight loss and physical pain.

Intellectually – It’s hard for a person to think straight while in crisis. He is prone to irrational or disconnected thinking. He may be obsess with trying to control the crisis, minimize it, deny it, or cover it up.

Spiritually –  The person may be struggling with fundamental spiritual beliefs.  He may blame God or be full of “why God” questions. He may be questioning his salvation or faith.  There may be disbelief, “How could God let this happen to me?”, “Why would God put us through this?”

Our counseling and resources recommendations may need to be fine tuned to where the most shock is being felt.

IT’S MORE ABOUT LISTENING AND PRESENCE
Remember, lending an ear and being there are the difference makers. It’s good to know that we don’t have to be the “experts” in every crisis situation. We don’t need personal experience in a particular crisis to be able to listen and be a support. The person in crisis needs to know they are not alone in their suffering and someone cares.

You may know a lot about what the person in crisis is going through. You may have been though a similar situation. But you’re there for support and stability. You’re helping the person navigate this traumatic moment and move toward help. Triage keeps the focus on the patient. The fullness of your knowledge and personal story could be more helpful at a later time.

CONNECT WITH RESOURCES
The need of the moment might be safety from abuse, money for an overdue bill, a place to stay for the displaced husband, or food and clothing for the homeless person. You may need a youth pastor to help with children. The police might need to be called. The family may need a referral to a lawyer, counselor, or support group. You may need to put them in touch with other individuals in the church that have gone through a similar crisis.

OFFER HOPE
Crisis spirals a person into despair and hopelessness. Dark thoughts. Hazy thinking. The Gospel is the greatest help for the person in crisis. It offers light and breaks through despair. The person doesn’t need a sermon, but a verse or passage that speaks to their crisis is extremely helpful. Don’t miss the opportunity to pray for them and promise your continued presence.

WHAT TIPS WOULD YOU OFFER?
Q:  What’s been helpful for you to remember when working with people in crisis?

Q: What other tips would you suggest?

jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

A New Guy at Group Shares His Story

by Jeff Fisher on April 13, 2012

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We had a guy come to our men’s purity group recently, and it was the highlight of my week to hear him talk. the-new-kid-in-town295

I love to hear a new person share his junk for the first time.  There is a fresh brokenness in many new guys.  There is a strong desire to figure it out.  Tons of questions.  A new guy has started walking in the truth and has been dying to sharing it with others, whether he knows it or not.

Here our some of my reflections on the new guy coming to Group…

1.  Reminds me of my own story – I can completely identify with someone sharing their junk and how they got found out.  He is a regular guy just like me.  All of the guys in group are normal guys with problems that are too big for them.

2.  Makes me thankful for God’s grace and mercy – I could have gone a lot further.  I might have broken some other bottom lines that would have cost me my marriage, kids & career.  I could have been found out a lot later.  I am thankful that God caused me to be found out.  I am also thankful that God came in and flooded my hurt with his love, grace & mercy.

3.  My heart goes out to the new guy – I was there not too long ago.  I sit with him in his pain.  I am reminded of my hurts.

4.  Great to see the light go on – At some point, “the light goes on” for the person in recovery.  A new guy to Group has revelations about himself and his addiction all the time.  I would have been lost unless God had used His Spirit of Truth, and other men to help “turn the light on”.

5.  Our Group ministered to him – Our sexual addiction group is at its best when it reaches out to a hurting guy and ministers to him.  There was empathy, encouragement, and counsel.  I felt the strength of the Group pour out to this guy.  I was glad to be a part of it.

I hope that you are part of a men’s purity group or some sort of sexual addiction group.  It has been an essential component to my recovery and growth during these past 18 months.

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Comfort For Those Having a Tough Time During the Holidays

by Jeff Fisher on April 6, 2012

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HAPPY EASTER FROM JEFF AND MARSHA!

Hey everyone in our P2P community.  We hope you’re Easter was a good one.  But we are reminded that holidays can be rough for those of you in the middle of sexual addiction recovery:

1.  Holidays are hard for some of you – Your family may be busted up right now.  This may be your first year in recovery from porn addiction.  It might be an incredibly hard time.

We understand.  Our first holidays after Jeff’s addiction broke were really hard.  We had left Buffalo, left our church, and left our house.  We were in a “foreign land” and still very hurt and angry and separate in this battle.

If this is you, your spouse, or your family… hang in there.  It won’t always hurt this bad.

2.  Holidays can be quiet times, and quiet times are painful – When we get quiet, we feel.  That’s why we stay busy a lot.  We try to busy ourselves or entertain ourselves to escape the pain.  But if your addiction is wide open, you may be feeling the pain.

When we are quiet our minds go to the things that are in our hearts.  And for many of us, pain is right under the surface.

An essential part of the recovery process is working through pain.  Just remember, we have to work on that in healthy ways.  Talk it out with a friend.  Pay a visit to a counselor or your minister.  Write it out in your journal.

3.  Holidays can be busy times, and busy times are stressful – The other end of holidays is STRESS.  We may be so busy visiting family, singing in cantata, attending services, getting dressed up, going out to wait for 2 hours for a meal.  Stressful!

Try not to let the stress put a wedge in your recovery or your relationships.  Part of you having a good strategy for recovery is planning ahead.  Cutting things out, and thinning that calendar.  Your major goal is to work on recovery and to work it hard.  Make sure your calendar (and your finances) reflect that.

4.  God’s presence is all over during the holidays – This is such an important time to focus on your relationship with God.  The bigger picture of recovery is found in God.  The deep healing is found in God.

Talk to God.  Get angry with Him.  Tell Him about your hurts.  Tell Him what you’re struggling with.  He really does care.  He loves you and is there to bring His comfort and strength.

HOW CAN WE PRAY FOR YOU?
Marsha and I would be glad to pray for you as you work through your sexual addiction recovery.  You can shoot us a private email at marsha@porntopurity.com or jeff@porntopurity.com

My First Paid Vacation in Over 4 Years

by Jeff Fisher on August 6, 2011

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This week I am on vacation.

I’ll stay home with the boys who are out of school.  We’ll go to Myrtle Beach for a couple of days.  We’re going to Medieval Times while we’re down there. We’ll go swimming at the YMCA.  And we’ll probably have one too many trips to McDonalds.

The thought occured to me yesterday that I haven’t had a paid vacation in over 4 years.  This is partially due to the consequences my sexual sins have brought on me and my family.

TIMELINE
August 2007 – My Internet pornography was found out and two pastors in my life interviened.
September 2007 – I leave my pastorate and get a temporary accounting job
December 2007 – Our family leaves Buffalo, NY and moves to Cary, NC (in the Raleigh area).
January 2008 – Marsha starts her new permanant job; I continue looking for work
March 2009 – I begin the first of five different contract accounting / finance jobs
April – Sept 2010 – I experience a total of 6 months of unemployment
November 2010 – I finally get offered a permanant job as a financial analyst

CONSEQUENCES
Every sexual addict suffers consequences.  I was no different.

Mine were perhaps worse than some because I lost my job, lost my place of ministry, had to move, and couldn’t find steady work.  I also know that consequences can be much worse.  Many of you have lost your spouse and children.  Some of you have contracted diseases.  Some end up serving time in prison.  Some have affairs and pregnancies to deal with.

But I know that each of us has to deal with consequences.  When we sin sexually, things always die and get destroyed.  There is always erosion.

GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER MORE?
I didn’t expect to have to suffer more consequences once we moved to North Carolina.  I figured losing a job, losing my ministry, having to move and suffering the humiliation was consequence enough.  I expected God to see my seriousness in recovery, my repentance and think that it was enough.

Instead, other consequences came:

  • The grief I would feel over all the loss
  • The pain of seeing my wife struggling with the losses
  • My wife having an emotional breakdown 18 months into our recovery
  • The thousands of dollars spent in counseling
  • The hundreds of hours spent in groups
  • The fights and the tears
  • Having slips and feeling like our marriage was taking major steps backward
  • My wife not trusting me
  • Going through masturbation withdrawals
  • Sitting in church as a wounded, disqualified minister
  • Learning that the new church plant we left had to close its doors
  • Looking for work in a down economy

There were times when I was really mad at God for having to suffer more.  I thought that the pain was unecessary.  I thought that  He was being unfair.  I thought that my sexual sins didn’t deserve this type of pain.  I thought that God was punishing me, not disciplining me.

SO WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY VACATION?
My vacation makes me stop and thank God with a deep gratefulness.

For the last four years Marsha and I have been in recovery.  We’re still recovering.  We’re still suffering the consequences of my sexual sins.  But I have been delivered an no longer in bondage to my sin.  God has brought healing and restoration to our marriage.  We are growing and getting stronger.  We are learning to accept where we are and glorfy God in those places.  We are now able to help others who are struggling.

I’m not sure my vacation is a reward for anything, but it is a reminder that God is taking care of us, He loves us, and He is allowing me to have a period of rest and connection with my family.

My vacation is a breath of fresh air in the middle of the recovery process.

FEEDBACK
porntopurity@gmail.com
@porntopurity  on Twitter

Do I Have to Go Through a Major Crisis to Get Healthy Sexually?

May 24, 2011

Q:  Is it possible to begin the recovery journey without going through a severe crisis? Yesterday, I shared my response to an email that came to our porntopurity@gmail.com address.  The person asked “How do I get serious about my recovery?” Today, I share a similar question from the same listener. ** All emails sent to [...]

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How Do I Get Serious About My Recovery?

May 23, 2011

Q:  How can I begin to be serious in this process? This question came from an email to porntopurity@gmail.com.   I thought it was a good question and wanted to share parts of my answer. The person also asked a similar question:  ” Is it possible to begin the recovery journey without going through a severe [...]

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10 Essentials For Those New to Recovery From Sexual Sin

May 12, 2011

I want to offer some top tips for you who are new to recovery.  These are lessons I’ve had to struggle through in my own recovery, but I find them to be universal with most guys who want freedom from sexual sin. 1.  The quicker you go to counseling the better. Sexual sin is MUCH [...]

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Sexual Addiction: 2 Ways Ministers Helped Me and 5 Ways They Could Have Helped Me

April 28, 2011

My counselor asked me to share my story with a group of pastors recently.  The Pastor’s meeting was focusing on ministering to the broken and he thought my story would be helpful.  He also asked me to share how ministers helped me through my sexual addiction recovery and how they could have helped me.  Most [...]

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Puke It Out!

April 12, 2011

** The author of this blog thought long and hard about including some gross pictures.  His wife thought otherwise, and we settled on this picture.  One sign that a person is ready to work on his sexual recovery is when he PUKES IT OUT.   A person comes to support group for the first time. [...]

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I’m Trying to Stop Looking at Porn, Pray For Me

March 29, 2011

Marsha and I get several emails from Porn to Purity readers that say: “I’m struggling with pornography.  I’m trying to get out.  Pray for me.”   Some are testing the waters to see if we are really out here and will respond.  We are, and we do. Others are reaching out for the first time, [...]

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