For Ministers Who Struggle

Church Leaders Who Struggle – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

by Jeff Fisher on October 28, 2011

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I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography.

I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed to help you with the process.

  • The need for authentic environments
  • How not to be paralyzed by our fears
  • The importance of walking in truth and integrity
  • Who do I share with first?
  • How do I share my sexual struggles with church leaders?

 

A CHALLENGING FOLLOW-UP QUESTION
Q:  I am a minister and actively working on my sexual struggles with my church family.  I started struggling when I was a pastor of another church.  Should I share my struggle with my former church family?

I am impressed at how you are showing true fruits of repentance.  You have submitted to authority.  You are consulting with wise counsel and with your wife.  And now you are asking a question about how far should your confession go.  You are showing brokenness, humility, you have a sense of the consequences of your actions, and you want to make everything right.

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Let me offer a few thoughts on your questions about confessing to former churches.

I think you should follow the counsel of your counselors and of your wife on this one.  I suspect that they are pretty good barometers for you and the depth of your confession.

Here are some exceptions:

  1. If you had stepped over the “flesh” line with someone from a former church, there’s no question, that’s unfinished business.
  2. If you had developed an emotional affair with someone from another congregation, that calls for a confession.
  3. I think if you lied to your elders or leaders directly about your use of pornography, that’s something you would want to consider confessing.

You may have a chance in the future to talk with former church elders or members about what God has done in your life.  Your story is important as a testimony of God’s grace and a godly model of restoration.

It’s not that your porn use at your former churches did not effect your ministry, of course it did.  Porn, lust, fantasy, and sexual sin are idols and take the energy we could have used for God’s purposes and point them in wrong directions.  But you are no longer under their authority.  You were under the authority of the church you were removed from.  That is the church body that you must be primarily concerned with.

One thing I’m certain of… if there is something you feel you need to confess to your former church and your counselors and wife concur, you must talk to the current pastor first.  He is the shepherd now, and he needs to know about a reveal that would affect his church.

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I’m praying for you church leaders.  We have to value authenticity, walk in the light, find safe people to talk to, take risks, and trust the Lord with the next steps.

jeff@porntopurity.com

CHURCH LEADERS WHO STRUGGLE SERIES
1.0 – Let’s Talk About Authenticity
2.0 -Let’s Talk About Our Fears
3.0 – Whom Do I Talk to First?  How Do I Share?
4.0 – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

 

Church Leaders Who Struggle: Whom Do I Talk to First? How Do I Share?

by Jeff Fisher on October 17, 2011

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I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography.

I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed to help you with the process.

  • The need for authentic environments
  • How not to be paralyzed by our fears
  • The importance of walking in truth and integrity
  • Who do I share with first?
  • How do I share my sexual struggles with church leaders?

—

WHOM DO I SHARE WITH FIRST?

Exercise wisdom in how you begin sharing your struggles.

If you are taking the initiative and are ready to share, here is a suggestion for the order. Each step will help you to be courageous, gather support, and give you wisdom about the next step.
If we share in an unwise way, a lot more damage can be done. If we have been holding onto secrets, we are probably not in the best frame of mind to do it all alone. God has provided several levels of wise people around you that can help you with the process.

1. Talk with someone safe first – a counselor, another pastor, a trusted friend. If you can’t find a counselor in your area with whom you feel safe, call ministries like Focus on the Family, Heart to Heart Ministries, Pure Life Ministries, or Be Broken Ministries.

2. You need to share with your spouse – The closest person in your circle will need to know what’s going on. God has given you a spouse to help you. Your spouse may not be a safe person to share with, and that’s why you need to share with a counselor first. A counselor can help you know how to share with your spouse.

3. Denominational leaders / Mentors – The next in your authority chain is probably your denominational leaders, or at least spiritual mentors. If you are going to share with your church leaders, you need the perspective of other wise people. Denominational leaders have probably already assisted other ministers with sexual struggles. They might even have specific training on the matter. They will be able to give you guidance on how to share with your church leaders.

4. Legal Counsel – If you have victimized someone or done something illegal, you will want to get a lawyer. Getting a lawyer is not to help you hide or craft a defense. Lawyers can be help you to be wise about how to proceed if you have broken the law or victimized someone.

 

HOW DO I SHARE WITH MY CHURCH LEADERS?

 

When my wife and I met with the leaders of our church plant, I shared what had happened. I shared how my struggles had a long history and how they had escalated recently. I shared about my cover-up and the intervention. I shared the advice of my mentors and I sought the forgiveness and prayers of my leaders.
One mistake we made: We decided to share the details with our church leaders, but not tell the church members that we were having marital problems. It seemed good at the time, but it put our leaders in a difficult position with the church of not sharing some things. It paved the way for rumors of what “really” happened. It also indirectly taught our church leaders that certain things are too bad to be shared in this community. It taught them there was a limit to authenticity.

1. Share with your “inner circle” of leaders first – A general rule of thumb is, “The leaders closest to you need to hear it first.” If you don’t have an “inner circle” of elders, deacons, or counsel in your church, have the leaders all gathered together. But if your church is structured with several circles, start with the leaders who are closest to you.

 

They don’t need to be blindsided by a huge announcement. You owe them your time, and they can be some of your biggest supporters to help with the other steps.

Ask your “inner circle” to be at all subsequent meetings. Ask them to keep the information in confidentiality until you share with all of your church leaders.

2. Share privately with your leaders as a group – You need to have a private meeting with those in your larger leadership circle. Don’t share individually. Every leader needs to hear the same story. Your “inner circle” needs to be at this meeting.

3. Share humbly – You are not there to defend your behavior or minimize it. You recognize that you have a secret and you need help. You have struggles that cannot be handled alone, and you need their assistance.

4. Share the evolution of the problem and the basics – Your leaders need to know how your struggles began and grew. They need to know how deep it got. They probably don’t need every detail, but you need to share how this came about.

5. Answer questions truthfully – It may be hard, but your leaders make ask you some tough questions. You owe it to them to be truthful. If you have already shared the details with “safe people,” you will be better prepared for the additional question from your leaders.

6. Be prepared for some “lash out” – You can’t control how people react to sin. Sexual sin to many is a “more grievous type of sin.” Your leaders may be shocked and angry. You need to listen, take it, and not be defensive. The best chance for your leaders to get behind you is for you to take a humble posture.

7. Ask for forgiveness – This may seem obvious, but you have sinned against them. You have broken their trust in you, and wronged them.

8. It would helpful to have a denominational leader or mentor there with you – If you have a denominational elder who can be there, he can help guide the process. He can be an advisor for what the church needs to do next. He can be a support for you in this difficult process.

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I’m praying for you church leaders.  We have to value authenticity, walk in the light, find safe people to talk to, take risks, and trust the Lord with the next steps.

jeff@porntopurity.com

CHURCH LEADERS WHO STRUGGLE SERIES
1.0 – Let’s Talk About Authenticity
2.0 -Let’s Talk About Our Fears
3.0 – Whom Do I Talk to First?  How Do I Share?
4.0 – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

Church Leaders Who Struggle: Let’s Talk About Authenticity

by Jeff Fisher on October 4, 2011

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I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography.

I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed to help you with the process.

  • The need for authentic environments
  • How not to be paralyzed by our fears
  • The importance of walking in truth and integrity
  • Who do I share with first?
  • How do I share my sexual struggles with church leaders?

—

SO WHAT’S THE ANSWER JEFF?  DO I SHARE, OR NOT?
Many of us as church leaders have growing sexual struggles. Our private life underneath does not match what we portray on the outside. Then the question arises, “Should I share my sexual struggles with my church leaders?”

The short answer is: “yes.” The better answer is: “yes, but wisely.”

Let’s consider some key issues involved with sharing sexual struggles with church leadership.

IS YOUR CHURCH AUTHENTIC AND SAFE?
We talk about the church being a “hospital for sinners,” but do we really believe that? If that were true, anyone—even pastors could share their struggles and still be accepted.

This may not be the case with your church. It is not the case with a lot of churches.

Churches say that they want an authentic, real, open, honest community. We encourage authenticity from our pulpits and preach the value of it. But that would mean that even a person with sexual struggles would be able to come and share.

Churches, listen up!  Don’t say you’re authentic & real, unless you can stomach the junk and sin that we all carry.  Even if it comes from your ministers or church leaders, you need to be a community that loves, ministers, confronts, helps and restores.

DO YOU VALUE AUTHENTICITY?

Question #1: Do You Value Authenticity? You may not practice it, but do you want to be authentic? This is a heart issue. If you don’t want to be authentic, you are further down the path of destruction than you think. The rest of this article may not be a help to you.

Valuing authenticity means that you value the truth. You see being truthful as better than lying.

Ministers, your only chance of achieving victory over your sexual struggles is to choose to be authentic.

Question #2: Do You Have a Place You Can be Authentic? Most people would say “no” here. We have not cultivated relationships where we can be ourselves. We have a lot of shallow relationships. Or we have moderately authentic relationships with people, but have not shared our junk. We may not even have an authentic relationship with our spouses.

Here’s my challenge: If you value authenticity, you must find a safe place where you can be authentic.

YES, I think my church is a safe place where I can be authentic. – Great!  Go ahead and read the rest of the article and start taking the steps you need to share your struggles.

Here’s the link to the full article:  CLICK HERE

NO, I don’t think my church is a safe place where I can be authentic – OK, but we have to start somewhere.  If you don’t feel like your church is an authentic place, here are some confidential, safe places you can call to begin sharing your struggles.

Be Broken Ministries

Pure Desire Ministries

Mark Brower at Recovery Remixed

Faithful and True Ministries

Healing For the Soul

Pure Life Ministries

–

I’m praying for you church leaders.  We have to value authenticity, walk in the light, find safe people to talk to, take risks, and trust the Lord with the next steps.

jeff@porntopurity.com

CHURCH LEADERS WHO STRUGGLE SERIES
1.0 – Let’s Talk About Authenticity
2.0 -Let’s Talk About Our Fears
3.0 – Whom Do I Talk to First?  How Do I Share?
4.0 – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

5 Reasons Ministers Are More Vulnerable to Sexual Temptation

by Jeff Fisher on September 13, 2011

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Let me start off by saying, no one is immune to sexual temptation.  It doesn’t matter what your job is, how old you are, or how much time you spend with Jesus each day.  We all have the potential to fall sexually.

Even ministers… and maybe, especially ministers.

Ministers have jobs that automatically put them in a pressure cooker.  It’s not unusual to have a stressful job, but there are five unique aspects of a ministry position that make him more vulnerable to opening the door to sexual temptation.

1.  The pastorate is a place of power - Whether the minister is using it or not, he has great influence over others.  The pastor is an authority, he is looked up to, he is on stage, and is usually highly regarded.  Broken people with damaged lives come regularly to talk with the minister, many of them desperate for a word or attention.  It is not hard for a minister to sway others with their words or personality.  The minister probably doesn’t realize the power he has over others.

2.  Ministers are often isolated and unaccountable for their actions – Ministers spend large amounts of time alone.  Many don’t have a set schedule or a structured day.  They don’t have to clock in and out of work.  And they don’t usually have church leaders asking them accountability questions.  This is especially true for small church minister who is often the only staff member.  Isolation and lack of accountability are seedbeds for disaster.

3.  Ministers don’t often have good protections set up – Churches rarely have policies requiring accountability software on their computer.  Few or no precautions are taken when the minister is counseling someone of the opposite sex.  And ministers often go on visitation to homes by themselves.

4.  Ministers don’t usually have people they can share their struggles with - It’s hard for a minister to be transparent.  His closest relationships are usually church people, and he doesn’t want to share his deeply with parishoners.  Neither does he share his personal or sexual struggles or sexual struggles with other ministers, for fear he might lose his job.

5.  Ministers frequently feed off the approval of others - Many ministers are approval addicts.  Their identity is based on the attention and comments of others.  A minister’s well being will rise and fall with every “Good sermon” or “Sister Jones is mad at you.”  Not only are broken church members looking for attention, but so are broken ministers.  Any time sexual tension develops in a relationship it is powerful and deadly.  It can push the button of an approval addict and the needy church member and quickly lead to disaster.

These are points of vulnerability.  It doesn’t mean that your minister is falling into these traps or is sinning sexually, but it’s easy to see how a minister can fall into sexual temptation.

Ministers have a high responsibility and are accountable for the souls of many.  We mustn’t be lax in dealing with these areas or questioning our minister about them.

Church leaders have the responsibility to come alongside their ministers and help them with these points of vulnerability.  Don’t go on a “witch hunt” and create trouble.  And helping your minister doesn’t mean that you have to become his or her closest accountability buddy.  But if there are holes in the policies of our church or in the way the minister interacts privately with others we owe it to our ministers to help them.

KEY LOVING QUESTIONS YOU CAN ASK YOUR MINISTER

Q:  What are his strategies for keeping integrity in his relationships?

Q:  Who are you accountable to?

BTW – “I’m accountable to God” or “I’m accountable to my wife.” is not the right answer.  Ministers need other individuals to whom they are accountable

Q:  What kind of protection do you have on your computer and who checks your activity?

Q:  Who do you talk to about your struggles and deepest issues (same gender)?

Q:  What are you doing to protect yourself in counseling situations and in close relationships with other church members?

If you pastor resists these questions and your attitude of love toward him, then that’s a problem.


OTHER POSTS THAT COULD BE HELPFUL
I have several posts and podcasts in the For Ministers Who Struggle category.  This is a good place for you to continue finding hope and encouragement.

FEEDBACK
Twitter:  @porntopurity
Email:  jeff@porntopurity

9 Sexual Words You Can’t Say in Church

by Jeff Fisher on May 17, 2011

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georgecarlinGeorge Carlin has his famous routine “The Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV”.  (BTW, not endorsed by this blogger)

I got to thinking about nine words we should be able to say in church (in the right setting) that would be helpful to  people with sexual struggles.

 

1. SEX – God created sex.  Why don’t we talk about it?  Why do we pretend that the Bible doesn’t have guidelines for marriages.  Last time I checked, Song of Solomon was rated “R” and had talked about the pleasure that healthy love and sex is within a marriage.

2.  MASTURBATION – If my preacher would have mentioned this word from the pulpit, I would have been both shocked and relieved.  So many guys and gals struggle here.  Why don’t we talk about masturbation?  Adolescents especially, need to hear good guidelines and sound wisdom to help them with the masturbation issue.

3.  ADULTERY – This is pretty forthright in the Bible.  Why do we use euphemisms for it?  Sex outside of marriage.  Affairs.  Let’s call it what the Bible does.  Let’s say that adultery is wrong, but let’s understand that there are lots of adulterers in the pews.  Say some words to help them be truthful and get right with their spouses.church

4.  FORNICATION -  We like to say “pre-marital sex” or euphemisms like “hookin up”, “shackin up”, “Gettin Jiggy Wit’ It” or whatever.  Talk openly about fornication.  Don’t be finger-pointers and condemners.  Help people deal with the underlying issues that cause them to feel the need for sex.

5.  ADDICTION – This word does seem to be talked about more, but it’s always the other person.  Or if someone gives a testimony, he talks about how he was once addicted to drugs or alcohol.  Nobody seems to talk about being addicted to sex in our churches.  Nobody seems to be addicted and struggling right now.  Is anybody in our pews or pulpits struggling with sexual addiction?  Start creating a safe environment where these can be talked about and offer some resources.

6.  HOMOSEXUAL (thoughts, behavior) – Many of our churches are good at preaching against homosexuality, and even homosexuals.  God forbid that a preacher or church leader would say, “You know, there are probably many of you that struggle with homosexual thoughts or behaviors.  We want to give you a safe place to seek counsel and healing…”

ralphiesoap7.  SEXUAL (thoughts, behavior) – If we do talk about sex, we talk about those people out there who do that!  Or we gossip about the lady’s husband in church who “has sexual problems” (hush, hush). Many of us have sexual thoughts.  Many of us already have a sexual background.  Let’s hear some messages to teach about healthy sexuality and how to find healing where we have struggled.

8.  PORN / PORNOGRAPHY – Again, this is not something that we do, but something those heathen outside the church do.  If over half of the men in the church are looking at porn, why do we pretend?  If and increasing number of women are getting addicted to porn, why do we keep silent and ignorant about this subject?

9.  I NEED HELP! – Wouldn’t your heart be moved if someone was honest enough to say this?  What if your pastor cried out for help?  What if a deacon was struggling with hard life issues and needed help?  We need help more than we realize.  We need the help of others to get through the hard struggles that life has.  We need God’s help.  So let’s swallow our pride and admit that we need help in our church families.

 

Q:  What do you think about these 9 words?
Q:  Are they said in your church?
Q:  What words would you add to the list?
Q:  How can we create better church atmospheres for people struggling with sexual sin?
I’M OFF MY SOAPBOX …WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?


Leave a comment on the blog, or email us privately at porntopurity@gmail.com

Sexual Addiction: 2 Ways Ministers Helped Me and 5 Ways They Could Have Helped Me

April 28, 2011

My counselor asked me to share my story with a group of pastors recently.  The Pastor’s meeting was focusing on ministering to the broken and he thought my story would be helpful.  He also asked me to share how ministers helped me through my sexual addiction recovery and how they could have helped me.  Most [...]

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Dr. Mark Laaser, Faithful & True Ministries and the Value of Counseling Intensives

March 10, 2011

PORN TO PURITY PODCAST Hope, Encouragement and Resources for those who struggle with sexual sin. Direct Link for the Podcast:  HERE Click here to subscribe to The Porn to Purity Podcasts on I-Tunes Top Tips For Sexual Purity on I-Tunes TODAY’S EPISODE:  Jeff of Porn to Purity.com interviews Dr. Mark Laaser, founder and director of Faithful [...]

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Purity Resource: XXX Church.com and My Interview With Craig Gross

March 3, 2011

PORN TO PURITY PODCAST Hope, Encouragement and Resources for those who struggle with sexual sin. Direct Link for the Podcast:  HERE [audio: http://traffic.libsyn.com/the104podcast/Purity_Resource_-_XXXChurch.com_and_My_Interview_With_Craig_Gross_Interview.mp3] TODAY’S EPISODE:  Jeff of Porn to Purity.com interviews Craig Gross of XXXChurch.com.  XXX Church is a fantastic ministry that offers: Help for men, women, teens & ministers stuck in sexual addiction Great [...]

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Great Purity Resource: Pure Desire.org and My Interview With Dr. Ted Roberts

January 27, 2011

PORN TO PURITY PODCAST Hope, Encouragement and Resources for those who struggle with sexual sin. Direct Link for the Podcast:  HERE [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/the104podcast/Purity_Resource_-_PureDesire-org_and_My_Interview_With_Dr_Ted_Roberts.mp3] TODAY’S EPISODE:  Jeff of Porn to Purity.com interviews Dr. Ted Roberts, Senior Pastor of East Hill Foursquare Church in Gresham, Oregon and founder of Pure Desire.org.  Ted has helped thousands of men, women, [...]

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For Ministers Who Struggle – Episode 011 – Free E-Book From Covenant Eyes

January 13, 2011

FOR MINISTERS WHO STRUGGLE A PORN TO PURITY PODCAST Hope, Encouragement and Resources for ministers who struggle with sexual sin. Direct Link for the Podcast:  For Ministers Who Struggle – 011 – Luke Gilkerson of Covenant Eyes Talks About A Free E-book For Pastors Who Struggle With Sexual Sin [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/the104podcast/MWS_-_011_-_Luke_Gilkerson_of_Covenant_Eyes.mp3] TODAY’S EPISODE:  On this episode, [...]

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A Free E-Book From Covenant Eyes (Resource for Ministers Features Chapter by Marsha)

January 11, 2011

Marsha was asked several months ago to write a chapter for a new e-book that Covenant Eyes was producing called Internet Pornography:  A Ministry Leader’s Handbook. In the e-book, Marsha shares her experience as a minister’s wife dealing with the consequences of her husband  internet pornography use and its effect on their marriage and ministry.  [...]

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