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Raleigh / Durham Resource: Overcoming Lust, Adultery, Betrayal

by Jeff Fisher on January 25, 2012

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If you are anywhere within an hour of the Raleigh / Durham area, these seminars will be worth the drive.

Both seminars are led by Brad Hambrick, Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, NC  and  Adjunt Professor of Biblical Counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary

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False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery
February 12, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed

Lust is not a gender specific issue. Lust is not something “some people” struggle with. Lust is not a “phase we go through.” Lust is not a problem that getting married will solve. Lust may never go beyond your imagination, but still create a persistent dissatisfaction with your current relationships or marriage.

Or, lust may be life dominating. Lust may cause you to put your health, your spouse’s health, your job, or your reputation in jeopardy. Lust may lead you to lie and create a double life in ways that you would have never thought you would.

Regardless of your type or depth of struggle with lust or whether your are single or married the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery” seminar is designed to help you walk away from these fantasy-based relationships (yes, even adultery is a fiction and porn is a relationship) and move towards the pure, true love for others than God ordained.

 

True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin
February 19, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed

There is no way to prepare for the news that your spouse has been looking at pornography, is having an emotional affair, or is/has committing adultery. Yet even without being able to prepare, you are still forced to respond when the news hits.

Numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, denial, revenge, embarrassment, shame, questions of whether I ever really know the truth, lack of trust, loss of respect, and feelings of loss of permanence are all common responses. But how do you respond to those responses? How do you “move forward”? What is “forward” anyway?

The “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar is intended to guide you through the emotional, mental, and relational dilemmas of your spouse’s sexual sin. It helps you answer the practical informational questions (i.e., What do I need to know? What should I expect from my spouse? Why is the “why” question so plaguing and hurtful?), and it walks you through the emotional pain that no answers to any questions will alleviate.

Top Tip 005 – Close The Loopholes

by Jeff Fisher on January 19, 2012

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Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download

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We have to close the loopholes in our sexual purity strategy.  Can’t be any holes that we know about.

None of us are going to have a perfect strategy.  We can’t see everything or anticipate everything.  Others around us who are involved with us, even they can’t catch everything.  We can’t intercept all of the temptations and triggers.  There are some that we haven’t even thought about.  There are triggers internal and external that we haven’t anticipated yet.  Plus there are new people that come into our life, and new places we will go – THIS YEAR that we will have to plan for.  Our strategies are going to change.

For sure we’re going to have problems if there are loopholes in our current purity strategy.  Where are the gaps?  Find the gaps and close the loopholes in your strategy?

First, some examples of loopholes…

Computer Gaps
No filter on my computer.  No accountability software.  My computer is hidden.  I have a password, but I know how to get around it.  Know how to clearn the cache, history.  My wife doesn’t look at the history bar even though I told her she can look at any time.

Are there any known loopholes in your computer strategy?

Phones / Wireless Devices
It’s the same thing for our Smart Phones, Tablets, and I-Pod devices.  How easy is it for you to go searching or download content that is trigger?

Movies / DVDs / Magazines
Are there movies that trip you up at a weak moment of vulnerability.  When you get vulnerable is there stuff that you can go to immediately.  That’s a loophole in your strategy.

We can go past our boundaries at any time.  No matter how good your strategy is you can sin if you want.  If we have a good strategy in place it creates good distance between you and acting out.  It puts more hoops for you to jump through.  Makes it harder for you to act out because you have layers, accountability, protection.

Relationships With the Opposite Sex, including those at work
Who are you hanging out with?  Are you pushing the boundaries with women or guys?  What about that girl at work?  Do you have some boundaries drawn up, or are you flirting around?  Do you go out to lunch with a person of the opposite sex by yourself?  Do you flirt around with a married man?

Travel
This is one of the most unguarded times for us in our sexual struggles.  We don’t have accountability.  We are away from our normal settings.  We are alone.  We are bored in a hotel room in a foreign city.  That’s a recipe for disaster.

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Again, you can’t predict ever scenario, but are you trying to close the loopholes as they come up?  Are you taking aggressive measures to preserve your purity and swim in the right lane?

START WORKING ON A STRATEGY
The first thing you might need to do is get a purity strategy.  Maybe you don’t have one yet.  You have to put a purity plan together.

I have a lot of favorite podcasts.  Ones that are definitely in my top 10 are:

Build a Good Defense – Top Tips, Season 1, Episode 41

Build a Good Offense – Top Tips, Season 1, Episode 42

Those podcast go into greater detail about developing your purity strategy.  Go check them out.  But briefly…

Defensive – roadblocks, what defense line do I have set up between me and acting out?  What roadblocks do I have to jump over in order to act out.

Offensive strategy – healthy behaviors that you are cultivating.  Me building my relationship with my wife, counseling, marriage conference, meaningful conversations, non-sexual touch with spouse, serving her, meeting her needs.  Getting a good hobby.

Build your strategy, and make sure the holes are plugged up.

SHINE THE LIGHT ON YOUR LOOPHOLE
Recognizing a loophole a major step.  But if I want to repair a loophole, I’m convinced I need to bring someone else into it.  Recovery is a team sport.  I can do OK by myself, maybe.  I can definitely do better with someone by my side.

When I talk about my loopholes with my counselor, a friend or a guy in my small group, I am bringing light to it.  I am walking in truth and practicing confession.  It may be a loophole that I’ve slipped though before or it may not be, but speaking it out about it is an invitation to intimacy and brotherhood.

The more intimate the relationship, the stronger I will be after I share my loophole.  If I talk about a flirty girl at work to my best friend, we have a serious talk about it.  If I talk about the flirty girl with my wife, we have another level of conversation.  It will definitely escalate the seriousness in my attitude when my wife is involved.

Do you get the point?  I picked this tip up from a pastor friend of mine who got into an emotional affair with his secretary and kissed her.  Believe me, when he told his wife, that relationship at work was over.

Our cases don’t have to be that extreme, but when I talk to a trusted friend or my wife about something that is pulling me or tripping me up, it invites them to join me on a deeper level.

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101 – What are the loopholes that you know about right now?  What are you going to do about it?  Develop a strategy.

Beyond – Who do you have who is involved in your strategy?  Are you accountable?  When a new temptation or trigger comes along, who do you talk to about it?

CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Logo Design by Chris Quimby at Nacho Tree Print & Digital Design

Top Tip 004 – Create No Shame Zones

by Jeff Fisher on January 16, 2012

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Press HERE to Play Podcast or Download

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Recently, I interviewed Jonathan Daughtery of Be Broken Ministries for our Porn to Purity Podcast.  We talked about the subject of shame, and he said something that blew me away.  He said in the support groups he leads, he has esttblished “No Shame Zones”.

The idea of having relationships where there is no shame is very new to me.

A No Shame Zone would be a place where there is unconditional love, you are supported, encouraged, and not judged.  A place where you can share your junk, your sins, and your struggles and be listened to and not shamed.

Shame largely has to do with feeling worthless.  When we shame others we put them down.  It’s the same with ourselves.  We consider ourselves worthless, no good, bad because of our sexual struggles.  Shame doesn’t value a person.  Shame is a core issue that goes back to Genesis 2 when Adam and Eve sinned.  They felt shame and they covered up and hid.

In a No Shame Zone, you don’t have to hide.  You don’t have to cover up.  You can be honest and open with others and be accepted.

SHAME MESSAGES FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY
We can get a lot of shame messages from our friends, teachers and people who are closest to us.  Shame can even come from church people & ministers.

Some people try to use shame as a motivator.  They think if they beat a person up and make them feel bad that it will somehow wake them up.  But shaming others is not godly and not biblical.

SHAME MESSAGES FROM THE DEVIL
Shame messages also come from the devil.  He is full of lies.  He is the Father of Lies.  He builds his kingdom this way.  He questions faith and God, and wants to get you to question them too.

The devil, our enemy wants you to feel so worthless, shameful and fearful that you hide and cover up your sin.  He wants you to begin lying.  He wants you to keep going the way of death and destruction and render you ineffective for God.

NOT USED TO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
I’m not used to unconditional love.  My parents loved me but not perfectly.  Sometimes there was a conditional love.  My friends often showed conditional love to me.  In fact, most people I know are conditional lovers.  As long as I’m doing the things they like or approve of, I’m loved.  But when my life gets messy.  When my behaviors affect them.  When I cause them to be uncomfortable… love has its limits.

God is not like this.  He has nothing but unconditional love for me.  Romans 5:8 is one of my favorite passages:
“but God proves his love for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

There are a lot of scriptures in the Bible that talk about the love of God, but this passage nails it.  Even while I was a sinner, God loved me, and proved his love by sending Jesus.  Man, I love that verse!

But it has taken me a long time as a Christian, and as a Christian in recovery to believe this verse.  I committed a lot of sexual sin.  I lost my job and ministry.  I brought embarrassment to His name.  I hurt my family.  I caused pain and hardship upon many who cared for me.  It’s been hard for me to love myself, and most of all, accept God’s love for me.

God operates with No Shame.  He wants us to find No Shame Zones so we can be honest, walk in truth and find His healing.  Only when we are real with one another can we find true healing.

When we’re hanging out in a No Shame Zone, we will be able to talk about our struggles.  We will be able to confess our sins.  We will be able to have accountability.  We will find support.

HUNGRY FOR A NO SHAME ZONE
Doesn’t your soul hunger for a place with no shame?  A place where there is no hiding, you don’t have to cover up… it’s safe, confidential, & supportive?  A place where you can be real and spill your junk?

A place where you will accepted as you are and where you are on your journey?

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Let’s talk 101 and beyond…

101:  WHERE CAN I FIND A NO SHAME ZONE?
It’s going to be different for each of you.  You will have to be intentional about finding places where there is no shame.

I think the best place to start is a counselor’s office.  They are required to be confidential.  They have a lot of experience listening to others share their darkest secrets.  And they are not going to be surprised by anything you have to say.

I think support groups are great places to find No Shame Zones.  Ask your counselor about the groups that are around, or email me.  I might be able to help you find a group near you, or show you how to search for one.

You might find a no shame zone with your minister or best friend, possibly with a family member.

You’re going to have to start somewhere.  Find a safe person and work on building a No Shame Zone.  God is the first No Shame Zone.  But he wants us to cultivate relationships with others where no shame exists.

BEYOND:  HOW DO I CREATE NO SHAME ZONES?
The main tip for this podcast is go and create places where there is no shame.  We may not have these zones around us right now.  Definitely start looking, but you be proactive and create them.

Create one with your best friend, your accountability partner, your spouse, your children.

POCKETS OF SHAME
When I entered recovery I wanted to heal.  I wanted to get as well as possible.  Some of the biggest obstacles in the way of being healthy are the pockets of shame I had.

At first it was large chunks of shame.  Entire themes of shame I carried.  I hated myself.  I felt my sexual sin identified me.  I felt like my effectiveness in life was over.

Bad memories carried shame.  Sexual experimentation and discoveries in my adolescence were tainted with shame.  Fetishes I have explored in the past and still feel a pull to have shame.

I found that my desire for everyone to like me carried shame.  When people didn’t respond the way I wanted I felt rejection.  The worthlessness made me feel shameful.  It’s not hard for me to feel worthless, not valued, and not loved around others.

My gut instinct (which I know comes from my flesh) is to hide and cover up.  I want to cut myself off and distance myself from others

As I explored my relationship with my dad, I couldn’t believe all of the shame I felt.  My dad was not the best at connecting emotionally.  He did a bad job.   I felt a lot of anger and distance.  I interpreted that as  a child as not being good enough.  Unconditional love.  And I have carried these wounds and lies into my adulthood.

God continues to release me from these pockets of shame.

So how do we get out of these shame pockets?

  1. ID the shame pockets
  2. Move toward them
  3. Talk about them
  4. Stop believing the lies
  5. Replace lies with God’s truth
  6. Strengthen them with continued flow of truth & support; build no shame muscles; takes time and training
  7. Keep bringing the pockets with God; let him replace it with his love and his presence

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CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Logo Design by Chris Quimby at Nacho Tree Print & Digital Design

Jeff and Marsha: Writing For Covenant Eyes and XXXChurch

by Jeff Fisher on October 6, 2011

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There are so many fantastic ministries and websites that are helping others deal with pornography addictions and pursue the path to purity.  We have made good friends at many of these ministries.

Two ministries that are doing exceptional jobs with their blogs are Covenant Eyes.com and XXXChurch.com

COVENANT EYES
(www.covenanteyes.com/blog)

Covenant Eyes offers some of the best Internet filtering and accountability software.  But their Breaking Free blog is fantastic too.  Luke Gilkerson writes some fantastic content.  His blogs and podcast interviews are cutting edge when it comes to helping others with Internet pornography and Internet safety.  Luke has several who write for Breaking Free.  We are privileged to be on this team.

Read Jeff’s Articles: http://www.covenanteyes.com/author/jeff-fisher/

Read Marsha’s Articles: http://www.covenanteyes.com/author/marsha-fisher/

BONUS – INTERVIEW
Check Out Jeff’s Porn to Purity Podcast Interview with Luke Gilkerson of Covenant Eyes.com:  HERE

 

XXXCHURCH
(www.xxxchurch.com)

Craig Gross started XXXChurch.com less than ten years ago.  It has developed a cutting edge ministry to those stuck in pornography addiction and those trapped in the porn industry.  They have been very successful reaching all ages, but especially younger people.

There’s a lot happening on their website, including blogs for Men, Women, Teens, Ministers and Couples.  The XXXChurch team has our permission to use any of our blogs they feel would be helpful to there audience, and we occasionally submit original articles for XXXChurch.  Jeff has recently been asked to join their Men’s blogging team.

Check out Jeff’s blogs: http://www.xxxchurch.com/blogauthorjefffisher.html

Check out Marsha’s blogs: http://www.xxxchurch.com/blogauthormarshafisher.html

BONUS – INTERVIEW
Check out Jeff’s interview with Craig Gross, founder of XXXChurch.com:  HERE

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Special Note: We thought it would be important to say that we’re not paid for our submissions to these blogs.  We’re just excited that God is taking the things we are learning in our recovery and helping a wider audience. We also hope that you will take the time to write your story and the things you’re learning.  The can be very valuable for those individuals and couples that are struggling.

10 Essentials For Someone New to Sexual Sin Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on September 16, 2011

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I want to offer some top tips for you who are new to recovery.  These are lessons I’ve had to struggle through in my own recovery, but I find them to be universal with most guys who want freedom from sexual sin.

1.  The quicker you go to counseling the better.
Sexual sin is MUCH bigger than you.  You need wise people around you to help you process your crisis and help you go underneath the surface.  We have been acting out sexually for many reasons.  Counselors know what questions to ask and have worked with may who struggle just like you.  Break the ice on going to a counselor.  Find a Christian counselor who has training in sexual struggles.  It is money well spent!

2.  The quicker you go to a support group the better.
Second only to a counselor, a support group is the best place to find healing and victory over sexual sin.  You need to know you’re not alone.  You need other guys to walk with you in the mud.  You need to learn to come out of isolation and into real relationships.  Support groups do all that and more.

3.  Sexual struggles open the door for God to work in many areas.
At first, we think recovery is only about stopping our sexual behaviors.   But God ends up using your sexual struggles as a springboard to work on many issues in your life.  We are out of wack sexually, but also relationally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  Expect God to do His good surgery in many areas of your life.

4.  Sex is not your greatest need.
One of the biggest lies we believe is that we can’t live with out sex and that sex is the highest pleasure achievable.  Our greatest needs are in other areas.  We have a deep need to know God.  We have a deep need to know others and to be known by others.  The sooner you understand that it’s not about the orgasm, the further along in recovery you’ll be.  Trust me on this one!

5.  Recovery has little to do with your outward behavior.
This is probably the biggest shocker to me.  I focused on my behaviors for decades and was counseled to do the same.  Our outward sexual behaviors are the tip of the iceburg.  The bulk of our recovery is underneath the surface.  We need healing from wounds.  We need to learn to express our emotions in a healthy way.  We need deep intimate friendships.  We need to learn to be selfless and serve others.  Stopping behaviors is relatively easy.  Healing on the inside takes much more time and effort.

6.  It’s worse than you think.
We are not the best judges of our own sexual health.  We have been blinded to our true condition.  Every sexual struggler in recovery says at some point, “I can’t believe who I used to be and what I used to do.  I was such a different person back then.”  If you’re new to recovery, you can’t see how far off course you are.  You can’t see the erosion that has taken place in your relationships and in your personal life.  Let this soak in:  Jeff tells me I am worse than I think I am. I have more to work on than I realize.

7.  Replacing lies with truth is critical to recovery.
We also can’t see the lies that we have believed.  My counselor reminds me that with every wound there is a lie that I have believed.  It’s not until you start seeing the truth that you will uncover the lies you have believed.  God’s Word will help you with this.  So will counselors, your spouse, your support group, and close friends who know your story.

8.  Work toward full disclosure.
Ooooh.  We don’t like to think about this.  But the sooner you come clean, the better.  Get the help from a counselor on how to come clean and with whom.  Those closest to you need to know.  Your spouse needs to know.  The people you have been directly involved with need to know.  Not every person needs to know every detail, but you need to quit hiding and share the truth.  When you hold onto secrets and hide you walk in the darkness.  God calls us to “walk in the light”.

9.  Pain and suffering are necessary for deep recovery.
There are no shortcuts to recovery.  There are no quick fixes.  You cannot save yourself from pain and suffering.  Breaking free from sexual sin involves challenge, hurt, brokenness, withdrawal and grieving.  You will have to suffer consequences.  You will have to see that your actions have hurt others.  Go for a deep recovery.  The only way for our recovery to go deep is if we let God push his scalpel in and scrape out all of the junk.

10. God is close and wants to bear the burden with you.
As tough as these tips are, I want you to think about this one the most.  You are not alone.  God is here.  He will help you.  He wants your recovery even more than you and He knows how to get there.  You may go through a lot of hard times, but God will always be a strong shoulder you can lean on.  He helps carry us through the toughest of times.  Be encouraged by this.

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Jeff Fisher lives in Raleigh, NC.  He and his wife Marsha run www.porntopurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to those who are affected by sexual sin. Checkout Jeff’s podcasts on I-Tunes:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity, Top Verses For Sexual Purity, and For Ministers Who Struggle.

Infographic: Pornography Stats

August 15, 2011

This Infographic has been around several months.  I thought it would be good to share it with you again.  Feel free to copy and use it on your websites. jeff@porntopurity.com @porntopurity on Twitter        

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Help Others In Recovery: Share What You’re Learning

August 8, 2011

You might not have realized that we have a SHARE YOUR RECOVERY INSIGHTS section on our blog.  Check it out when you get a chance. Go to the button on our website and share your recovery insights.   Many of the best things I’ve learned about my own sexual addiction recovery have come from guys [...]

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“Perfect Week” Guy or The Struggler – Who Do You Learn More From?

July 14, 2011

This week I’m reflecting on the guys that have near perfect track records lately. The guys who don’t have struggles and don’t seem to be sinning much. I was thinking I learn more from the guy who is in the middle of the battle struggling.  Perfect week guy has some things to teach me, but [...]

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What Are You Learning in Your Recovery?

July 8, 2011

You might not have realized that we have a SHARE YOUR RECOVERY INSIGHTS section on our blog.  Check it out when you get a chance. Go to the button on our website and share your recovery insights.   Many of the best things I’ve learned about my own sexual addiction recovery have come from guys [...]

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Top Purity Tip: The Principle of Flush and Flow

July 7, 2011

Faucets should be run regularly to prevent buildup in the pipes. Fire hydrants occasionally need to be opened up by fire fighters to keep all the parts loose. Toilets need to be flushed regularly to keep t from stagnating. Cars need to be run regularly to keep the fluids moving and the parts lubed. I want to [...]

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July 4th – Celebrating Freedom From Sexual Sin

July 3, 2011

Today in the United States is our Independence Day.  I’m glad to celebrate the birthday of our young country (235 years old, I think).  I’m glad to have a day off from work and be with my family. I’m also glad for my freedom from pornography and the bondage of sexual sin.  Independence from sexual [...]

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