Key Questions

I’m Trying to Stop Looking at Porn, Pray For Me

by Jeff Fisher on November 15, 2011

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Marsha and I get several emails from Porn to Purity readers that say:

“I’m struggling with pornography.  I’m trying to get out.  Pray for me.”

Some are testing the waters to see if we are really out here and will respond.  We are, and we do.

Others are reaching out for the first time, and this is what their first step looks like.  We’re so proud of you!  Good start!

And others are so deep in crisis, this is all they can get out.  Our hearts go out to you with love and encouragement.

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The first thing we want to say is that we do pray, for everyone who writes us.  We do respond and we do take the time to think through our responses.  Often we come back to emails later with additional resource recommendations.

We want you to know this so you’ll feel like you have a place to go.

Here is one of Jeff’s responses to an email like this:

I’m so glad you wrote.  Thank you for sharing a part of your story and how God is helping you pull out of the bondage of pornography.

 

The healing and transformation is a long process.  We wish it wasn’t.  We wish we could lose a job, learn a lesson, and then be fine.  I have known people who get well, get back on their feet, and repeat it many, many times.  It could happen to any of us if we do not stay engaged in the battle, get help from others, and develop good offensive and defensive strategies.

 

A few questions for you:

Q:  What kind of support structure do you have set up? (counselor, support group, pastor, accountability buddies, spouse, etc.)

Q:  Are you reading anything right now to help you in your recovery?  Listening to podcasts?

Q:  Who do you have around you that knows your story and that is active in your life?

The amazing thing is that porn is really not the problem.  It’s a symptom of what’s going on underneath the surface.  That’s what we have to deal with, and that’s what takes time, commitment, and support from the Body of Christ.

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jeff@porntopurity.com

marsha@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

I Want to Share My Struggles With Others, But I’m Scared

by Jeff Fisher on November 14, 2011

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I recently had an email from a guy who was seeking freedom from his sexual sin but had a lot of fear about sharing with others.

I’m so glad he had the courage to write!

He mentioned that he has shared his struggles anonymously online and that I was the first “real person” he had emailed.

Here’s my response:

Thanks so much for writing.  I’m glad that you are beginning to share your story, even if it’s online & reaching out to me.  Those are important steps that still take courage.

Many of us who struggle with sexual sin are experts in isolation and secrecy.  We have far more experience disconnecting with others than we do connecting with others.  We have turned ourselves into loner-types and introverts.

CREATED FOR CONNECTIONS
I continued…

First, I don’t believe that this is God’s design for us.  He has created us for connections, relationship, and emotional intimacy with Himself and others.  Our heart yearns to connect with others.  To know others and to be known.  There are tons of “one another” scriptures in the Bible to support this.

It looks like you have an understanding of that.  That’s great.  There are many of us that say, ‘Well, I am who I am.  I’m a loner.  That’s how God designed me.”  That’s really a lie and not biblical.

The million dollar question is:  “So how do I get there?”

MY THOUGHTS ON HOW TO GET THERE

1.  Connecting with others is not going to feel comfortable for a while. -  It’s an awkward thing.  We will stumble around with it.  We are underdeveloped and immature relationally.  We need lots of practice.

2.  Face to face is the way to go – Online relationships foster false intimacy.  We can’t have to total experience of brotherhood unless we’re face to face.  So set your goals toward making face-to-face connections with other guys.

3.  We have to take risks to connect – I wish this wasn’t so, and I wish it was easier.  But you’ll have to reach out to other guys and share parts of your story.  You might start with your pastor, a counselor, a support group, or a close friend.  But you’ll have to take the initiative and then take a risk.  What’s the risk?  Rejection.  And that can paralyze us.  But I believe that God’s will is for you to have meaningful connections and that he will give you the courage you need to take the risks.

4.  We have to be very intentional and keep at it – Other guys are probably not going to naturally reach out to you.  They have the same problems too.  So you have to be intentional, and if one attempt doesn’t work, you try again, or you try with another guy.  Don’t give up after one attempt and say, ” Well, I tried that!”

5.  Some environments are safer than others – If you can start with a face-to-face with a minister or with a counselor, it’s a great way to go.  These are generally the safest places where confidentiality and safety are highly valued.  Start there if you can.

Another great place to start is a support group.  If you’re around other guys who struggle in the same way, that’s automatic acceptance and understanding.  Support groups also value safety and confidentiality.  They actually reward sharing and taking risks.

6.  Do you want to “plunge in” or “go gradually”? – The best place for a sexual struggler coming out of isolation to be is in a support group.  This is the “plunge in”.  Support groups provide and immediate opportunity.  They are focused, intense, and they already understand the value of connecting, building relationships, sharing our stories, and talking beneath the surface.

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I believe there are a lot of us that are very close to taking those first critical steps of reaching out and talking about our struggles.

Feel free to email me at jeff@porntopurity.com if you need a place to begin to share.  I will never share your information, your email, or your story with anyone.

If you need my wife, she can be reached at marsha@porntopurity.com.

How Can I Begin to Get Serious About My Sexual Purity?

by Jeff Fisher on November 4, 2011

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Q:  How can I begin to be serious about my sexual purity?

 

SEEING THE TRUTH OF WHERE I REALLY AM
I wrote a post recently called “6 Breakthroughs That Took My Sexual Purity to Another Level”.  One of the breakthroughs in my life was when I started to see the truth of where I really was.  I was so far off base.  I was so deceived by my sin that I thought God was actually OK with my behaviors, and I was in ministry!  When I was confronted with my sin, exposed, and asked to leave my church, it was the wakeup call I needed. My sin had dragged me far away from where God wanted me to be.

Learning the truth of how far I had drifted was overwhelming for me.  It was a personal crisis.  I was broken, and I was ready to do something about it.  I was willing to do whatever I needed to get well.  And (most importantly) I followed through and took some steps I had never taken before (going to a sexual addiction counselor, going to a support group).

You might need to ask God to show you where you really are, how far you’ve drifted.

As we spend time in the truth we will see where we are and where God wants us to be.  That’s why a guy in recovery needs to be in several atmospheres of truth.  I need to be talking and listening to God in prayer.  I need to be reading His word.  I need to around others who can help me grow.  I need accountability buddies to see the blind spots in my life and help me with my course.  I need a counselor, a support group, a minister in my life.  These are all sources where God will communicate His truth.

Just the fact that you listen to podcasts, read recovery material and talk with me is doing this.  It’s all a part of putting yourself around truth or spiritual people who can help you.

SEEING THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY SIN
Another breakthrough for me was when I began seeing how my sin affected others.  My sin cost me my job, my church, my church family.  But my wife and kids were also affected.  Trust was broken between me and my wife.  Our sexual, emotional, and relational intimacy was corrupt.  My relationships with my mentors were damaged.  Our church family suffered and the church plant eventually closed.  It cost me $5000 to move to Raleigh and multiple thousands of dollars in the counseling office over the last 4 years.

There is a lot that I still grieve.  I still feel the consequences of my sins.  They are a motivator for me.

Potential consequences are motivators too.  Where could I have been?  I could have done something illegal and be in prison now.  I could have contracted an STD.  I could have had an affair and damaged a lot more.  I could have lost my marriage and family.  I could be dead now.

These have been breakthrough moments from God for me.  They have caused me to develop a sense of seriousness.

You might need to stop and make your own list.

SLIPS AND RELAPSES

There’s a big difference between slips and relapse.  A slip is when you get off track.  A relapse is when your train derails.  Slips will happen, relapse doesn’t have to.  Neither one of these things is irreversible.  It’s just hard when we get off track or start going the other way to get back going the right direction.  We step over lines, cross boundaries, and it makes our battle much tougher.

Masturbation was a painful think for me to stop doing.  I went through major withdrawals.  I needed major help.  I slipped, often at first.

I’ve had the same troubles with TV, movies, Sunday circulars, magazines, and objectifying women… and other areas.  I’m still working on some of these things.  I still struggle and have bad days.

The biggest help to me right now is my support team.  I go to group every week.  I have a guy I talk with every week for accountability.  I call guys several times a week.  I try to keep my time with God fresh and journal on days when I’m feeling edgy.  I don’t go to my counselor as frequently now, but he’s still and important part of my support team.

These things didn’t used to be there, but they are all essential for maintaining sobriety, finding continued healing, and for experiencing sexual purity.

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jeff@porntopurity

@porntopurity on Twitter

Do I Have to Go Through a Major Crisis to Get Rid of My Sexual Problems?

by Jeff Fisher on November 3, 2011

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Q:  Is it possible to begin the recovery journey without going through a severe crisis?

Sure.  We begin our recovery journeys at all kinds of levels.  Most of us have already been trying to stop our behaviors and work on our sexual problems on our own.  The problem, however, is WAY too big to handle on our own.  Some guys never seem to get that.

We are trying to break free from something that goes deeper than just bad behaviors.  We have emotional damage underneath.  We’ve had a history of acting out sexually.  We’ve had imperfect parents.  We’ve been in relationships that weren’t healthy.

The biggest thing is that we are trying to medicate something with the porn and the sexually acting out.  There are deep needs in us, and we’ve found that going to porn makes us feel good, makes us feel powerful, important, not rejected, not lonely, not bored… maybe we like being in control, we like the power, we like the conquest, we like going to forbidden places.  We are trying to medicate something deep inside.

There has to be some level of breaking, though.

God can get my attention in many ways. He can speak to me very quietly in church  and say, “Jeff, you need to drop this.” Or “Jeff, you need to surrender this over to me.” Or “Jeff, let me heal this in your life.”

God disciplines His children. So he will sometimes allow hardship to come our way to get our attention.  He might take a girlfriend away from us or allow us to get exposed.  These can be His hand saying, “Wrong direction, Jeff!  Don’t touch that stove!  Don’t cross that intersection!”

Sometimes God’s discipline is severe. Sometimes God allows hard consequences to come.  We might get an STD.  Our girlfriend might get pregnant.  We might lose our job / our ministry and have to move (which is what happened to me).  It’s not that God doesn’t love us.  He allows these things to happen because He loves us.  He loves us too much for us to continue.

We still have a choice though.  The right response is to repent.  Confess our sins to others, get help, and commit to walking the right direction.

Sometimes guys don’t listen to the warnings. They continue to dabble and guaranteed, they fall.  Sometimes the falls are harder.  Sometimes God has to turn up the consequences out of His love so that a person will repent, will become humbled, will become broken, will have an understanding of their sins.

Does our crisis have to be serious?  Not necessarily.

Do we have to be serious about our sin?  Absolutely.

I’m convinced the guys that go back and forth in recovery never making progress, plateauing and roller coastering don’t have a deep enough understanding of their sin.  That’s the brokenness that’s needed.

I HAVE to be broken over my sin.  I have to understand how bad my sin is to a holy God or I’m not in a right recovery mindset.  If this is the case for you, the right prayer is, “God, show me what my sin is really like.  Show me how you see my sin.”

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jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter