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Let’s face it – sexual sin is a blow to any marriage. But for newlyweds, it can be traumatic. A young marriage is shaken. They start asking questions like:
“Where did this come from?”
“Did I marry the right person?”
“Is our marriage over?”
We want to offer our encouragement and insight. We want to explore why this is so hard, and share some reasons why the early years are the best time to work on sexual struggles in a marriage.
THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD OR YOUR MARRIAGE
We want to say, first of all: you can get through it! Your marriage is not hopeless.
You’re not alone. Sexual sin affects most couples. Our backgrounds are full of negative sexual messages and experiences. Internet pornography is prevalent. You are not the only ones faced with a sexual issue in your marriage.
Many have worked through it. There are many, many marriages that have been able to work through sexual addiction in a healthy way. It doesn’t matter how deep it goes, you can work through it.
Great help is available. You will be able to find the resources you need to work through this. Our Porn to Purity website has resources for men, women, couples, and ministers. We have links to ministries, counselors, and support groups that will be able to come alongside you in this crisis.
There are people who are actively talking about their sexual struggles. Most of us did not grow up in environments where sexual matters were talked about openly or in a healthy way. But we live in a time where many individuals and couples are reaching out with their stories. Our website is an extension of our own recovery journey and there are many others.
This was not a surprise to God. You may have been caught off guard with the reveal of sexual sin, but God wasn’t. God may be the one who allowed your spouse to get found out. He may have prompted you to walk in on your spouse while he was on the computer or catch that email. He is here and He can help you recover from this. He’s done it for so many already.
WHY THE REVEAL IS SO HARD
It’s happening in the front of your marriage – This is not a chapter you expected to have to go through as a couple, certainly not in the early years of your marriage. Now should be a time for the Honeymoon Phase or the First Years – the time when you are still riding the waves of having two lives become one. Sexual sin is a major disruption to this bliss.
Your relationship is younger and more fragile – Even if you and your spouse have been dating or engaged for years, your married life is very young. Your investment in your marriage is not as strong as it will be 15 years from now. You are less mature relationally and emotionally. You have not weathered many storms together and built up strength in your marriage.
Doubts – The news of a spouse’s sexual struggles creates doubts and serious questions to any marriage. It’s not unusual to ask, “Did I marry the right person?” or “Did I make a mistake?” Both of you have recently stepped into the scary territory of marriage. You are combining bank accounts, consolidating your possessions, and living under one roof. Sharing your lives together for the first time brings a lot of instability. Sexual struggles bring another layer to a relationship that’s already causing you to feel uneasy.
Who did I marry? – We feel like we know everything there is to know about our spouse. We feel like our spouse has been honest with us and talked about their issues. This is not the case with most marriages. We keep the skeletons to ourselves and hide parts of our lives in dark corners, even from our spouse. There are parts of our family background and sexual history that we probably haven’t talked about. We probably didn’t think it would affect anything. Bottom line, the real person we married is different from the perfect person we thought we were saying “I do” to.
WHY THE REVEAL IS GOOD FOR YOUR YOUNG MARRIAGE
A challenge you now have to tackle together – This may be your first big challenge. It is an opportunity to face it head on, surrendering to God and getting the help you need. God can take this challenge and help you get healthy in ways you can’t imagine. If you and your spouse work this, you will thank God for allowing this to happen early in your marriage.
A quick lesson in baggage – Eventually we figure out that the husband and the wife bring their past baggage into the marriage. Your spouse’s sexual sin has accelerated this process. Finding the answer to “Why did he do this?” is not easy. You have to go backwards. Sexual struggles have roots in family background, early exposure to pornography, wounds and unmet needs. Both the husband and the wife will discover junk they brought into the marriage and ways that they contribute to an unhealthy marriage.
A critical lesson in true intimacy – Intimacy is the degree of knowing one another and being known by one another. Physical intimacy is only one part of intimacy. You’ll find through the process of recovery that God wants you to develop relational, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy.
Mr. Perfect he’s not (neither are you) – Most of us have idealized dreams and expectations about our spouse. We think our spouse will complete us and meet all our needs. Sexual sin often shatters the image we have of our spouse. Our spouse is a struggler. He does not have his life together in this area. A couple that recovers well will have to reset their dreams and expectations. We realign to reality and not the fantasy image we had of our spouse.
Our lies about sex are busted up – Recovery will help you uncover lies you or your spouse have believed about sex. Lies such as:
- When I’m married I can have all the sex I want.
- A good sex life is the gauge of a good marriage.
- Marriage will cure my lust problems.
- Sex will make me feel wanted, loved, and valued.
- Sex is the ultimate high in a relationship.
- I won’t have any more needs after my sex life is fulfilled.
Many couples never figure these out. You are fortunate for learning these lessons. They will help you have the healthy sexual intimacy that God desires for you.
The secret sexual sin and cover up would be much worse later on – Some couples have to deal with decades of sin, cover-up and lying. The betrayal felt and broken trust is tremendous to longer marriages. Sure, it’s terrible now, but not as terrible as it would have been if you had found out 5, 10, 20 years down the road. Repenting and turning the marriage around is much easier in the early years of marriage.
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE – DID YOU MEAN IT?
I (Jeff) have performed countless weddings. Most couples include in their vows to one another “for better or for worse”. Sexual sin brings a “worse” condition to a marriage. You weren’t prepared for it were you?
You and your spouse have to decide if you really meant what you said. God takes your vows seriously. He believes has brought you together.
He has not abandoned us in spite of all of our sins past, present and future. He calls us to a high level of commitment to our marriage. He calls us to work this problem together.
And this may not be the worst thing you have to face together. It might be the other spouse’s junk next time. It might be a family issue. It might be a tragedy or period of unemployment. There are many hardships that hit a marriage.
You can get through this! God and others can help you navigate this overwhelming reveal.
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jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter
Call-in voicemail line line: (321) 5-PURITY
1. Holidays are hard for some of you – Your family may be busted up right now. This may be your first year in recovery from porn addiction. It might be an incredibly hard time.
3. Holidays can be busy times, and busy times are stressful – The other end of holidays is STRESS. We may be so busy visiting family, singing in cantata, attending services, getting dressed up, going out to wait for 2 hours for a meal. Stressful!
