Marsha’s Blogs

Wives Want to Know: Why Am I Not Enough?

by Jeff Fisher on April 15, 2012

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A question I am frequently asked by wives who have just discovered their husband has been viewing pornography is, “Why am I not enough?”  In fact, some wives will whisper that they were shocked because they were the higher desire partner, as if that is something to be ashamed about.  For these wives, the discovery of porn in their marriage was a double slap in the face. “I was available and I initiated all the time and I was rejected,” they cry out. “Yet all along, he was looking at strangers online.  I don’t understand!”

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE
While I doubt they believe me, I ask wives to consider whether porn has less to do about them and sex and more about something else.  Maybe when their husbands were first exposed as teenagers it was about the sex.  But what if they have gotten into the habit of turning to porn to distract them from something much deeper and darker within their spirit?  It doesn’t make it less sinful or the husband less guilty. I’m not trying to defend their actions.  But the more I learn about pornography, the more deceptive it seems to be and I wonder if there is more to it than meets the eye.

Consider a desert, and a weary man stumbling across the sand, desperate for a drink of water to quench his thirst.  Just above the hill he sees an oasis.  When the exhausted traveler finally gets right to the edge of the crystal clear pool, he realizes he is grasping at hot sand.  It was only a mirage; his mind playing tricks on him.  But up ahead, there is another pool in the distance, so he stumbles towards it.  But he will be disappointed again. HE THINKS HE SEES SOMETHING PERFECT, BUT IT ISN’T REAL AND IT DOESN’T QUENCH HIS THIRST.  That is how I picture pornography.

THE REAL QUESTION
With her question, “Why am I not enough,” the wife is really saying, “I want to be the one to quench my husband’s thirst.” Which, at first glance, seems like the right response.  Except with porn addiction, I really don’t think it’s about sex anymore.  That is why wives are not capable of quenching his thirst, because it is no longer a sexual thirst our husbands are after.  It is a spiritual one.   You can’t possibly meet a spiritual need with a sexual fix, whether it is pornography or even an intimate connection with a spouse.  That deep, dark space in your husband’s spirit that he is trying to ignore, forget, avoid, numb, whatever… can only be healed by Jesus.

THE DEEPER NEED
So the answer to the question, “Why am I not enough,” in light of this revelation is “You are not designed to meet your husband’s deepest spiritual needs. “  Only God can meet those needs. For anyone or anything else to stand in God’s place, would be idolatry.

In addition, only God’s Holy Spirit can reveal spiritual needs.  That can be difficult to accept for the wife who now understand her husband’s battle with pornography has spiritual roots.  She will want to help the Holy Spirit by helping her husband see the light.  But only God’s Spirit will be able to reveal truth to her husband, convict him of his sin and call him into repentance and actions designed to restore trust.

So what is a godly wife to do?  Is this her new normal?

  • A wife can focus on her own recovery and healing, which is centered in resting in the shadow of God’s love. Drawing close to God daily will give wives all they need to walk the difficult road ahead and answer those hard questions.   As she prays for herself and her family, she can also pray for her husband, that his eyes would be open and his heart would be sensitive to the Holy Spirit.
  • A wife can also read recovery material and educate herself about pornography. If a husband chooses to fight the battle, it will help tremendously if the wife knows as much as possible when she comes alongside him to fight for the marriage.
  • As part of her healing, a wife can seek out Christian counseling for herself, preferably a counselor who specialized in marriage counseling and sexual addiction.  She can also explore if there are any groups for spouses in her area.
  • A wife should also draw boundaries for her marriage based on what she needs in order to begin her healing process.  Again, her growing prayer life, close walk with the Lord and the support of her team will be a tremendous help as she makes difficult decisions and answers tough questions.

The answer to a broken wife’s haunting question “Why wasn’t I enough” is “Only God can meet spiritual needs.”  Hurting wives need to know that is the same answer for them as well.  Only God can comfort and heal them on their darkest days.

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Book Review: Dirty Girls Come Clean by Crystal Renaud

by Marsha Fisher on October 25, 2011

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In the war on pornography, Crystal Renaud just unleashed a torpedo. Until now, there have been very few resources geared specifically for women who struggle with pornography.  With the recent release of Crystal’s book “Dirty Girls Come Clean” women now have the tools they need to fight a battle that many assume only ensnares men.

In reality, one stat in “Dirty Girls Come Clean” estimates that 17% of all women struggle with pornography.

IT BEGINS WITH CRYSTAL’S STORY
Crystal’s book offers much more than practical helps for the sexual struggler.  It also includes several testimonials of women with pornography addictions, beginning with Crystal’s own story of falling into deeper and deeper bondage to pornography and masturbation.  I can only imagine what kind of hope and encouragement this book is going to offer women who have believed for years, decades, that they were the only ones struggling and there was no hope for them.

What I appreciate most about “Dirty Girls Come Clean” is the combination of practical helps, alongside real stories of real women overcoming pornography addiction through the power of Christ.

WHERE TO BEGIN IN RECOVERY
This book doesn’t merely educate readers about pornography addiction and inspire the reader to strive for purity, although it does do both of those things. But more importantly, “Dirty Girls Come Clean” actually walks the reader through those first steps of recovery.  At the end of each chapter, Crystal includes questions, assignments for personal reflection and recovery steps to begin implementing.

LOOK FOR THE DEEPER WOUNDEDNESS
I also appreciate that Crystal doesn’t focus on just stopping behaviors.  She shares early on that pornography, masturbation and other addictions are symptoms of a much bigger problem – unhealed woundedness that we fill with junk so we can ignore what’s going on deep beneath the surface.

SHORT, BUT DEEP
For a short book and fairly quick read, Crystal manages to hit some deep concepts.  For example, she believes than many people who struggle with porn don’t trust anyone, either out of shame or control, which leads to isolation.  The struggler even isolates herself from God.   When it all comes down to it, Crystal believes those who struggle have come to only trust in themselves and have come to doubt God’s ability to sustain them.   Beginning to trust God is a key step towards recovery.

CHURCHES NEED THIS BOOK
I love the tone of “Dirty Girls Come Clean.”  You feel like Crystal is sitting beside you while you are reading, knowing just the right time to offer a word of encouragement or challenge you or simply remind you once again that you are not alone.  Crystal has done the difficult job of taking off the mask and sharing her story publically.  I only hope our churches are willing to take an equally bold step by coming alongside women who read “Dirty Girls Come Clean” and ministering to them where they are.

Book Review by Marsha Fisher – marsha@porntopurity.com

ESSENTIAL LINKS

To purchase a copy of Dirty Girls Come Clean – CLICK HERE

Check out Crystal’s website:  www.dirtygirlsministies.com

Listen to her story on the Covenant Eyes Podcast:  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Marsha – Reflections After Four Years of Recovery

by Marsha Fisher on October 17, 2011

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It is the four year anniversary of our world falling apart. I don’t remember the exact date like many of the wives that I talk with do, but I do remember the Seasons were changing from summer to fall. So whenever the stores start to set up their Halloween aisles and there is a chill in the air in the early morning, I know it is that time of year again.
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Four years ago Jeff stood in our kitchen and told me he had been caught binging on pornography on a computer at work. His ministry partners asked to immediately resign as pastor. As he tearfully confessed, I went numb realizing my world as I knew it had changed forever and my carefully manicured perfect life had been shattered. You can read more about those painful first few months here.
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The anniversary of all of this is bitter sweet. I grieve the pain we went though, especially during those first few months when we felt so abandoned in our recovery journey. But I’m also full of thanksgiving, amazed at how much has changed in both of us and in our marriage in such a short amount of time. Our God is truly able to transform hearts, make paths straight, heal broken hearts and mend wounds.
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In the midst of the deepest pain I’ve ever known, I also experienced the greatest peace I’ve ever felt, witnessed the incredible provision of God, and discovered that in the end that if everything is stripped away and all I have left is Jesus – I have all I need. It was a life-changing revelation that I am grateful to have learned this early in life. I’m sure I’ll fall back on that truth many times in the years to come.
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While I still feel that our marriage recovery is still very much a work in progress, I do believe enough time has passed that I can step back and see things a little differently now that my perspective has been stretched. I thought these reflections might encourage some of you who may be just starting your recovery
journey:
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Recovery Insights at the 4-year mile post:
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The perfect marriage was a mirage.
Our first year into recovery, I was so eager to “get back to normal.” But now I know, there is no “normal.” Jeff and I are both sinners, loaded with
selfishness, bad habits and deep hurts that we tend to medicate in unhealthy ways. After a while, I realized that we didn’t need to get back to where we
were before. We needed to strive for something we had never enjoyed as a married couple – healthy intimacy, godly intimacy. Our goal is a marriage
relationship in the spirit of what God intended for us all along.
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Recovery was not all about Jeff.
Perhaps the biggest shock about our recovery journey was that it wasn’t all about Jeff and pornography. Yes, Jeff getting caught with pornography brought us here. But the pornography was really just a symptom of a bigger problem in Jeff’s life. And now that Jeff and I were unified in marriage recovery, his
problems and my problems were blended together. So we tackled the pornographry and the deeper issues together. And in doing so, I found that I had a lot of junk in my own life that also needed unpacking.
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For me, I found that self-righteousness, pride, unrelenting perfectionism and a critical spirit had been undermining my marriage just as much as Jeff’s pornography. I don’t believe that my sin fueled his sin or vice versa, but our sin natures certainly found a sick way to play off one another in a sort of twisted dance.
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We’ve gained more than we lost.
For the first few years, I focused on the losses related to Jeff’s choice to view pornography. Mostly, I focused on the loss of our ministry and the loss of our home. (Our denomination leaders felt it best that we move out of the area after Jeff was caught.) There were a lot of losses related to the move – I missed the city we lived in, the loss of friendships, financial loss, the loss of stability for me and our boys and most of all the loss of our church family. Then there was the loss of trust in my marriage. My husband had made choices that turned my life upside down. How could I ever trust him again? He seemed serious about recovery, but we had been here before. Why would this time be any different?
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Dealing with the losses, in such rapid succession, was borderline traumatic for me. But with each loss, God demonstrated his ability to provide in all circumstances. He provided new jobs, took care of our financial needs, and settled us in a new city with a loving church family and tremendous recovery resources. During this time I gained a new awareness of God’s desire to meet my family’s needs. I knew he had the power, but under these circumstances I saw Him reach out to us in His tender mercy and provide for us step by step.
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The Lord also showed me during this season that He had the power to restore broken trust in a marriage, because He is tremendously pro-marriage. While I doubted I could ever trust my husband again, I was willing to go on this recovery journey with him to see where it would lead. What I found was that as my husband demonstrated his commitment to recovery, I was able to let go some of my distrust of him. Over time, more of that distrust subsided as trust grew. It continues to grow.
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That being said, I know there is always a potential for a setback, as my husband has a serious struggle with sexual purity. Another thing we have gained is an overall healthier, more authentic marriage. We are much more in tune when we are in dangerous territory and we know when to call in reinforcement.
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Speaking of authenticity, we’ve gained a desire for authentic community. After becoming part of the “broken world club”, we really appreciate  Christians that are authentic. Struggling with this problem in your marriage can be so isolating for a Christian couple. I applaud churches that are willing to openly discuss this issue from the pulpit and in the Sunday School classroom, in the small groups and one-on-one. If our churches are so perfect that we can’t create a safe place for people to confess and repent, then we are distorting a key component of the New Testament.
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The most unexpected gift we have gained is this new ministry, www.porntopurity.com, which began as an idea to put together a list of resources for couples like us who need to know where they can go for Christ-centered help. It has grown into something we could never have imagined. I am still in awe that God is taking the mess our marriage had become and is turning it into a message of redemption and healing. I do believe He desires to do that for every broken marriage, including yours.
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If you need someone to reach out to for encouargement, resources or hope, email me at marsha@porntopurity.com

Breaking Agreements – Some Lies Are Harder to Break (Marsha)

by Jeff Fisher on May 10, 2011

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Marsha shared yesterday about breaking agreements, a concept she is learning from John and Stasi Eldredge’s book Love and War:  Finding Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage. Agreements are lies that the Enemy tells us or that we tell ourselves.  They are beliefs we have about our marriage our our spouse that tear down and turn us against each other.  We need to ask God to help us identify the agreements we are believing about our spouse.

Not all agreements are easy to break.  Marsha shares in today’s post how she was able to work through some of the tougher agreements.

 

SOME AGREEMENTS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS
I also found that some agreements were much more difficult to break than others.  One afternoon I was meeting with our Christian counselor who has been walking with us down the road of marriage recovery for the last several years.  While it was just a regular maintenance visit, she touched on something that immediately hit a nerve.  From early in our marriage, I felt like Jeff had not tried hard enough to win my father’s approval.  As we discussed this, I recognized that I had build a skyscraper of agreements based on that one lie.  Yet when I tried to break that agreement, even with my counselor’s help, I felt like I was in a spiritual battle zone.  It was physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausting.  I wanted immediate freedom from that burden but it felt like it had a lock on my soul.  I did find freedom, but it did not come easy and I felt physically and spiritually bruised for several days after.  I had never experienced anything that intense in my life and again I wondered, how could the Enemy have such a deep grip without my knowledge for all these years?

In other situations, I have had to ask Jeff to come pray with me to break an agreement.  Imagine how awkward that could be?  “Honey, can you pray with me so I could break that agreement about you being a jerk.”  “Sure sweety, be right there.”  Fortunately, Jeff and I were going through the book study together and were both finding freedom through breaking agreements.  So when we spent the morning tearing apart the house looking for my keys, AGAIN, Jeff joked that he was breaking agreements while he looked.

As we both began to break agreements about each other and our marriage, we began to experience healing in areas of our marriage that have been trouble spots for many, many years.  I began to feel a closeness to Jeff that I had never felt, which says to me that “agreements” had been keeping me enjoying the emotional intimacy with my husband.  But as those agreements were broken, the relationship that God intended for me to enjoy with my husband all along began to grow.

A SENSITIVITY TO NEW AGREEMENTS
Breaking agreements has been a life-changing, marriage changing concept for me.  It has also led to another major shift in how I control negative thoughts towards my husband.  Now, when I sense myself beginning to make an agreement, I remind myself that my husband already has an Enemy.   I never want to stand in agreement with the Enemy, especially when he is attacking my husband. On the other hand, as Jeff’s wife, I always want to stand with Christ as his encourager, supporter and helpmate.

This mindset has begun to transcended my marriage and impacted the way I respond to negative thoughts about others that I encounter at work, in the community; even those who are hurtful towards me.  No matter how angry I might be at someone, I still don’t want to stand arm in arm with the Enemy and condemn them.

I also take it a step further and ask, what does this agreement say about me?  Am I being judgmental?  Do I feel threatened? Am I feeling unloved?   I have struggled all my life with self-righteousness and perfectionism.  This technique is proving to be a very practical way to fight that tendency to put myself above others, by giving me a visual snapshot of who I link arms with when I’m tempted to past judgment on others.

I encourage you to check out John and Stasi Eldredge’s book Love and War and let me know if anything jumps out at you.  Even better, read through it with a handful of couples.  You will find out that yours is not the only marriage in the pew that is less than picture perfect, but thankfully there is hope for us all.

Q:  What are you learning about agreements?
Q:  How have you been able to break the lies you’ve believed about marriage and about your spouse?

marsha@porntopurity.com

Breaking Agreements – Lies I Believed About My Husband (Marsha)

by Jeff Fisher on May 9, 2011

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Jeff and I recently participated in a small group study of John and Stasi Eldredge’s book “Love and War:  Finding Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage.” The book was great and hit on several concepts that were new to me and opened my eyes to why marriage can feel so impossible at times.  The concept that challenged me most was John and Stasi’s discussion on “making agreements.”

WHAT IS AN AGREEMENT?
An “agreement” is a subtle and seemingly harmless statement that crosses our mind when we are unhappy with our spouse. It may sound like, “She always makes us late” or “He never remembers to take out the trash.”  John and Stacy showed me that this minor thought is actually a potent tool of the Enemy.  It is his way of putting his foot into our marriage relationships.  Once his foot is planted agreements take root.  Over time we begin to define our spouses by these agreements we’ve made, instead of by the truths that brought us together as a couple to begin with.  I no longer look at my husband as the loving provider God brought into my life to lead me spiritually.  Instead, I feel disdain as I look at the loser I married who can’t even remember to take out the trash.

SHOW ME THE AGREEMENTS AND HELP ME BREAK THEM
The authors suggest you address these dangerous agreements in your marriage by first going to God and asking him to begin to reveal them to you. And then put on your seatbelts.  As the Lord begins to show you areas where you have made agreements, break those agreements like you would a contract.

For me, breaking agreements sounded something like this, “Lord thank you for revealing to me that I made this agreement long ago against Jeff.  It’s not true that he always embarrasses me and I break this agreement in your name Jesus.  Lord, I know Jeff loves me and his heart is good.  He is not perfect God and neither am I.  Lord help me see the truth and not fall for the Enemy’s lies.”

I was shocked at how many agreements the Lord revealed to me in the days following my reading of this chapter.  It was as if a tidal wave was unleashed, once I became aware of its presence in my Christian journey.  And it wasn’t just agreements in my marriage.  I found myself challenged to break agreements at work, among friendships and among family members.  How could I be so influenced by the Enemy’s lies for so long and not realize it until now?  What more is there that I’m not aware of yet?

I discovered that some of the agreements I had made were about my marriage in general, not specifically about my husband.   Hopeless thoughts like “Our marriage was a mistake” or “I’ll never be happy” were more destructive lies from the Enemy that I had accepted as truth.

SOME AGREEMENTS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS
I also found that some agreements were much more difficult to break than others.  One afternoon I was meeting with our Christian counselor who has been walking with us down the road of marriage recovery for the last several years.  While it was just a regular maintenance visit, she touched on something that immediately hit a nerve.  From early in our marriage, I felt like Jeff had not tried hard enough to win my father’s approval.  As we discussed this, I recognized that I had build a skyscraper of agreements based on that one lie.  Yet when I tried to break that agreement, even with my counselor’s help, I felt like I was in a spiritual battle zone.  It was physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausting.  I wanted immediate freedom from that burden but it felt like it had a lock on my soul.  I did find freedom, but it did not come easy and I felt physically and spiritually bruised for several days after.  I had never experienced anything that intense in my life and again I wondered, how could the Enemy have such a deep grip without my knowledge for all these years?

In other situations, I have had to ask Jeff to come pray with me to break an agreement.  Imagine how awkward that could be?  “Honey, can you pray with me so I could break that agreement about you being a jerk.”  “Sure sweety, be right there.”  Fortunately, Jeff and I were going through the book study together and were both finding freedom through breaking agreements.  So when we spent the morning tearing apart the house looking for my keys, AGAIN, Jeff joked that he was breaking agreements while he looked.

As we both began to break agreements about each other and our marriage, we began to experience healing in areas of our marriage that have been trouble spots for many, many years.  I began to feel a closeness to Jeff that I had never felt, which says to me that “agreements” had been keeping me enjoying the emotional intimacy with my husband.  But as those agreements were broken, the relationship that God intended for me to enjoy with my husband all along began to grow.

A SENSITIVITY TO NEW AGREEMENTS
Breaking agreements has been a life-changing, marriage changing concept for me.  It has also led to another major shift in how I control negative thoughts towards my husband.  Now, when I sense myself beginning to make an agreement, I remind myself that my husband already has an Enemy.   I never want to stand in agreement with the Enemy, especially when he is attacking my husband. On the other hand, as Jeff’s wife, I always want to stand with Christ as his encourager, supporter and helpmate.

This mindset has begun to transcended my marriage and impacted the way I respond to negative thoughts about others that I encounter at work, in the community; even those who are hurtful towards me.  No matter how angry I might be at someone, I still don’t want to stand arm in arm with the Enemy and condemn them.

I also take it a step further and ask, what does this agreement say about me?  Am I being judgmental?  Do I feel threatened? Am I feeling unloved?   I have struggled all my life with self-righteousness and perfectionism.  This technique is proving to be a very practical way to fight that tendency to put myself above others, by giving me a visual snapshot of who I link arms with when I’m tempted to past judgment on others.

I encourage you to check out John and Stasi Eldredge’s book Love and War and let me know if anything jumps out at you.  Even better, read through it with a handful of couples.  You will find out that yours is not the only marriage in the pew that is less than picture perfect, but thankfully there is hope for us all.

SOME AGREEMENTS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS TO BREAK
Tomorrow Marsha will share how she worked through some of the harder agreements she has believed about her marriage and her husband.

Click HERE for part 2.

Q:  What are you learning about agreements?
Q:  How have you been able to break the lies you’ve believed about marriage and about your spouse?

marsha@porntopurity.com

How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex – Book Review (Marsha)

May 3, 2011

I recently posted this book review on the Covenant Eyes blog.  Click HERE to see the original post. As the mother of an eleven year old and a five year old, I was eager to read Stan and Brenna’s Jones’ award winning book How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex. My husband and [...]

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Why Do We Share Our Story Publically? (Marsha)

April 18, 2011

We wanted to share why we have decided to be public with our story about the pornography that affected our marriage.

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Helping My Husband Fight the Battle (Marsha)

January 31, 2011

There are times when I know Jeff is more prone to slip up on the road to recovery.  These include when he is tired, when he is stressed and when he is lonely.  I don’t travel much, but when I do it is a perfect storm for Jeff.  As the lone caretaker for our two [...]

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A Free E-Book From Covenant Eyes (Resource for Ministers Features Chapter by Marsha)

January 11, 2011

Marsha was asked several months ago to write a chapter for a new e-book that Covenant Eyes was producing called Internet Pornography:  A Ministry Leader’s Handbook. In the e-book, Marsha shares her experience as a minister’s wife dealing with the consequences of her husband  internet pornography use and its effect on their marriage and ministry.  [...]

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God Speaks to Marsha Through a Facebook Typo

January 1, 2011

God speaks to Marsha about our marriage through a Facebook Typo

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Book Review: Exposed by Ashley Weis

November 16, 2010

I recently had the pleasure of reading Ashley Weis’ novel Exposed. The story follows two women and their distinctly different journeys through the world of pornography. MEET ALLY & TAYLOR Ally is a well-educated Christian counselor living the American dream. She is madly in love with her husband Jessie and they are trying to start [...]

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