I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie. God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography.
I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders. This series is designed to help you with the process.
- The need for authentic environments
- How not to be paralyzed by our fears
- The importance of walking in truth and integrity
- Who do I share with first?
- How do I share my sexual struggles with church leaders?
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WHOM DO I SHARE WITH FIRST?
Exercise wisdom in how you begin sharing your struggles.
If you are taking the initiative and are ready to share, here is a suggestion for the order. Each step will help you to be courageous, gather support, and give you wisdom about the next step.
If we share in an unwise way, a lot more damage can be done. If we have been holding onto secrets, we are probably not in the best frame of mind to do it all alone. God has provided several levels of wise people around you that can help you with the process.
1. Talk with someone safe first – a counselor, another pastor, a trusted friend. If you can’t find a counselor in your area with whom you feel safe, call ministries like Focus on the Family, Heart to Heart Ministries, Pure Life Ministries, or Be Broken Ministries.
2. You need to share with your spouse – The closest person in your circle will need to know what’s going on. God has given you a spouse to help you. Your spouse may not be a safe person to share with, and that’s why you need to share with a counselor first. A counselor can help you know how to share with your spouse.
3. Denominational leaders / Mentors – The next in your authority chain is probably your denominational leaders, or at least spiritual mentors. If you are going to share with your church leaders, you need the perspective of other wise people. Denominational leaders have probably already assisted other ministers with sexual struggles. They might even have specific training on the matter. They will be able to give you guidance on how to share with your church leaders.
4. Legal Counsel – If you have victimized someone or done something illegal, you will want to get a lawyer. Getting a lawyer is not to help you hide or craft a defense. Lawyers can be help you to be wise about how to proceed if you have broken the law or victimized someone.
HOW DO I SHARE WITH MY CHURCH LEADERS?
When my wife and I met with the leaders of our church plant, I shared what had happened. I shared how my struggles had a long history and how they had escalated recently. I shared about my cover-up and the intervention. I shared the advice of my mentors and I sought the forgiveness and prayers of my leaders.
One mistake we made: We decided to share the details with our church leaders, but not tell the church members that we were having marital problems. It seemed good at the time, but it put our leaders in a difficult position with the church of not sharing some things. It paved the way for rumors of what “really” happened. It also indirectly taught our church leaders that certain things are too bad to be shared in this community. It taught them there was a limit to authenticity.
1. Share with your “inner circle” of leaders first – A general rule of thumb is, “The leaders closest to you need to hear it first.” If you don’t have an “inner circle” of elders, deacons, or counsel in your church, have the leaders all gathered together. But if your church is structured with several circles, start with the leaders who are closest to you.
They don’t need to be blindsided by a huge announcement. You owe them your time, and they can be some of your biggest supporters to help with the other steps.
Ask your “inner circle” to be at all subsequent meetings. Ask them to keep the information in confidentiality until you share with all of your church leaders.
2. Share privately with your leaders as a group – You need to have a private meeting with those in your larger leadership circle. Don’t share individually. Every leader needs to hear the same story. Your “inner circle” needs to be at this meeting.
3. Share humbly – You are not there to defend your behavior or minimize it. You recognize that you have a secret and you need help. You have struggles that cannot be handled alone, and you need their assistance.
4. Share the evolution of the problem and the basics – Your leaders need to know how your struggles began and grew. They need to know how deep it got. They probably don’t need every detail, but you need to share how this came about.
5. Answer questions truthfully – It may be hard, but your leaders make ask you some tough questions. You owe it to them to be truthful. If you have already shared the details with “safe people,” you will be better prepared for the additional question from your leaders.
6. Be prepared for some “lash out” – You can’t control how people react to sin. Sexual sin to many is a “more grievous type of sin.” Your leaders may be shocked and angry. You need to listen, take it, and not be defensive. The best chance for your leaders to get behind you is for you to take a humble posture.
7. Ask for forgiveness – This may seem obvious, but you have sinned against them. You have broken their trust in you, and wronged them.
8. It would helpful to have a denominational leader or mentor there with you – If you have a denominational elder who can be there, he can help guide the process. He can be an advisor for what the church needs to do next. He can be a support for you in this difficult process.
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I’m praying for you church leaders. We have to value authenticity, walk in the light, find safe people to talk to, take risks, and trust the Lord with the next steps.
jeff@porntopurity.com
CHURCH LEADERS WHO STRUGGLE SERIES
1.0 – Let’s Talk About Authenticity
2.0 -Let’s Talk About Our Fears
3.0 – Whom Do I Talk to First? How Do I Share?
4.0 – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?
REALLY? A PODCAST CALLED SECRET SEXUAL SINS?
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