Yesterday and today we’ve been spending time with Chris and Cindy Beall on our blog. Cindy has a new book called Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken, a great resource for wives.
Cindy’s website: www.cindybeall.com
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OUR QUESTIONS TO CINDY AND CHRIS
Quite a bit has been written about pornography and sexual addiction, at least in the last several years – but that wasn’t the case in 2002. What books and ministries helped you shed light on your struggle?
You are correct. There were very few resources even available when our lives fell apart. And people certainly didn’t want to talk about it. Thankfully, we did get some help. The best book that Chris read was The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. He credits this book as the tool God used to bring him freedom from his pornography addiction. I read Beth Moore’s When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. It helped me understand how people can love Jesus but not have all areas of their lives surrendered to Christ. We also got help from two websites: Covenant Eyes and XXXChurch.
Which year of your recovery journey was most difficult and why?
The first year. I think the first year of a loss is always the hardest. I call it “The Year of Firsts”. You walk through everything in a different light. Nothing is the same as it was. Normal died. You experience things for the first time in your new normal.
Chris – how close had you gotten to confessing your secret lifestyle to someone else?
I considered it all the time. I desperately wanted to be free. The fear of the consequences of exposure was what kept me hidden. So what I would do is always be aggressive at sharing with my accountability partners but I would only share 30% of the truth as kind of a smokescreen just in case they were wondering if I was struggling. It was just perception management. I used deception to manipulate people’s perception of me. It’s what most addicts become brilliant at. And I was the best.
Why is trust so crucial in a marriage? What are the benefits? What are the affects of broken trust?
Trust is crucial in any relationship because we weren’t created to do life alone. God created us for a relationship with Him and with others. Because of that trust is an absolute.
The benefits of having trust: Knowing that someone has your back. However, our ultimate trust must be in our Heavenly Father because although I do believe human beings can be trusted, we will still all fall short.
The effects of broken trust are pain, pain, and more pain.
What about the recovery process do you wish would have gone differently or better?
Honestly, nothing. I truly believe that our church leaders, our counselors and our mentors handled our situation in an amazing way. I am especially thankful that my husband was such an open book and was willing to do anything and everything to see our marriage restored. Not everyone gets that.
What would you say to the wife who feels like her situation is hopeless?
Pray. Sometimes we say, “Well, all we can do now is pray.” When the truth is that praying should be our first line of defense! Pray Ezekiel 36:26 over your husband…that God would remove from him his heart of stone and give him a heart of flesh. Pray that your husband would hate his sin enough to do something about it. Pray that God would do anything and everything to bring freedom to his life. Praying scriptures over our husbands (and wives)
is the most powerful thing we can do!
As you pray, seek God’s plan for your marriage. While I want every marriage to be healed, I realize that some won’t be. A restored marriage will only happen when both husband and wife are willing to do whatever it takes. And that really does mean whatever it takes. If there is no brokenness, repentance and godly sorrow, then chances are your marriage won’t survive. Not because God isn’t able. He is fully able, make no mistake about that. But he wants willing participants in a restoration process.
Chris – if a husband is just beginning the process of rebuilding trust, how would you say he go about that?
The first question you have to answer is, “how long am I willing to do the work of rebuilding trust even if I don’t see trust being given?” If the answer is anything other than “the rest of my life” then you’ve got hard days ahead. Because what happens is the person who sinned feels this overwhelming sense of freedom the moment they get these secrets off their chest. They feel good, are ready to move on with life and are elated with their own freedom. The problem is, you’ve just placed that burden on your spouse and to them, it’s as though it just happened.
Practically, everything has to be open and available for your spouse. Email accounts, social media, cell phone usage, 
you name it. You need to go above and beyond to be accountable and not get defensive when you are questioned because remember, your choices made the trust die. I have had to learn the tactics of our Spiritual Enemy and be preemptive about the ways that he’ll come after my wife’s mind. I work hard to make sure He doesn’t mess with her. I am the number one protector of my wife’s mind.
What other areas would you like to write on that you feel would be a help to couples?
Protect your marriage. If you are a couple who has not gone through physical infidelity, you need to praise God! Infidelity is rampant in our society. A couple of tips we like to give on protecting your marriage are:
•Don’t spend time investing in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. (No one-on-one lunch dates, no emotional sharing via email, text messages, and social media. No “hanging out” while your spouses are gone or at work.)
•Invest in your marriage every single day. (Do at least one thing for your spouse everyday that makes his/her life easier. Learn their love language and make sure you do something everyday to make them feel loved. Pray together. Enjoy shared activities.)
