“When Healing and Deliverance Comes Slowly” – Guest Blogger Amy of Walking in Freedom.net
I spent many years feeling like I had a secret I could never share with anyone. I felt with every fiber of my being that I was bi-sexual. Sometimes I can even look back and see myself questioning whether I was even a lesbian, or not. I say this, because after trying to suppress these feelings for a number of years, their importance seemed to grow. I became more and more focused on this attraction I had to women, and less focused on men. My attraction towards women was more emotionally driven than anything, and I just never felt that way about men. “Who can really connect with a man, anyhow?” is what I always thought to myself.
The sense of connection was what I was drawn to, and I was convinced the only place I could truly find that was with a woman.
The problem? I became a Christian when I first started to realize the depth of all of this. This meant I would always have to just shove this part of myself down and ignore it forever…so I thought. Then I met my husband, Kevin. I somehow knew he and I would have a future together, because the first time I ever talked to him on the phone I told him everything about my past. Well…most of it. I told him all about my relationship with my friend after high school, and everything related. (That was totally out of character for me to do something like that, but I somehow feared if I didn’t put it out on the table right away – I would never tell him.) We talked through it all, and I was so incredibly blessed to one day become his wife. The only thing was the issue with my sexuality started surfacing again a couple years after we got married. I thought I had dealt with it and put it behind me. Little did I know it was just about to come to the surface in a major way.
This is around the time that I started struggling with looking at porn online. By this time, I was struggling, like never before, with thoughts of being bi-sexual. I even started having thoughts that I would have been better off never getting married in the first place, because I would be much happier with a woman. I would constantly tell myself that I couldn’t ever become as close to a man as I could a woman. I eventually stopped looking at the porn online, but my thoughts continued to race, and I was having terrible dreams which made it all worse.
Due to these dreams, it was even more difficult for me to convince myself that bi-sexuality (or lesbianism) was not something that was part of my identity. If my identity as a Christian is in Christ (like the bible says), then these thoughts/ beliefs/ identities/dreams were not a part of who I truly was anymore. I believed that with my head, but my heart told me a different story. I could never truly grasp it, and I just felt like no one understood how deep this all went for me. I rehearsed scriptures of who I was in Christ often, but they never sank in. These attractions felt as much as a part of me as my own name. My lust (because that’s what it was) towards women felt like it was a real part of me that just wouldn’t go away. It affected all of my friendships, because I always stayed at arms-length from women – just in case. I was afraid that I might feel something I didn’t want to feel.
I thought it was all just me…just something I would have to bury and hide.
I would say that my healing in this area really began when I first started telling people about almost 2 years ago. Then, when I was delivered of those dreams, the first big change happened. I suddenly no longer felt like being bi-sexual was part of my identity and realized that it wasn’t part of who I truly was, after all. (This is not easy to explain, but I will try my best!) This is something that I spent years trying to convince myself of, and now I just knew it in my heart.
This is when I realized that something (that felt very much a part of me) had left me.
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Tomorrow, Amy will share some of the Core Lies I Believed While Trapped in Bi-Sexuality.
Listen to Amy’s Testimony (Audio)
