Yesterday, guest blogger Amy of the Walking In Freedom blog shared her struggles with bi-sexuality and lesbianism and the slow process God used to free her.
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It no longer felt like part of my identity. I realize that this may sound over-simplified to some people, but this is truly what happened for me. It was like that part of my life that had tormented me for years was gone. At that point, I thought that my battle was over. What I didn’t realize, though, was that just that particular part of my battle was over. I now realized that the “real” me (since my identity is now found in Christ) did not include bi-sexuality. This did not erase all of the lies that I had believed for so long, though. So, what were the core lies that I believed?
1) Deep down, I still believed that I would be happier with a woman than a man (even though I was married…and a Christian). As a Christian, I know this cannot be true, though, because the bible says that God did not create me to be with a woman. Since God created me, He knows what type of relationship I was created to be in, and no matter what it “feels” like – a woman is not part of that equation. God is my creator, and therefore He knows best. How dare I question my Creator concerning what’s best for me. That’s arrogance and pride at its worst…and I’ve unfortunately been there many times.
2) I believed that I could never get as close to a man as I could a woman. Every argument Kevin and I got into fostered this lie. Every time Kevin distanced himself from me or was gone for long hours too many days in a row, this belief grew even bigger. This worked as a double-edged sword and made the lie seem even more real, while driving me further and further away from Kevin.
3) I believed that being with a woman was safer (emotionally) than being with a man. Making myself vulnerable to a man seemed foolish. To me, men were all about one thing (sex), and I never saw women as being this way. The relationship I had years ago with my friend was incredibly emotionally enmeshed and I didn’t feel used. I felt loved and accepted for who I was. Somewhere along the way I equated men+sex=being used. I suppose all of that pornography didn’t help matters, and it has taken a long time to replace this lie with God’s Truth. Sex is a good thing between a married man and woman, and God created a sexual relationship to be satisfying to both of them.
4) The last thing that I dealt with that I wouldn’t necessarily call a lie, but a huge obstacle, is that I put so much focus on women in my mind for so long, that it created almost what I would call an automatic “pathway” that my brain always took. I don’t know if it started with all of the pornography, or what it was, but I often fantasized about things that no married woman (or any woman!) should ever think about. I did it so much that I wasn’t even aware of how much I did it until God started to shed light on it all. No wonder my relationship with my husband was not the way it should have been! Not to be too blunt, but there’s not too much that any woman and my husband have in common – physically or emotionally. When you think about the opposite of your husband for long enough, it will destroy every part of your relationship. (I’m sure this applies to anyone who fantasizes about anyone else other than their spouse – male or female.) Talk about a real intimacy killer in a marriage. I thank God, though, that He is able to restore any marriage that is given to Him. My relationship with Kevin is not perfect, but it is far better today than it has ever been (and getting even better all the time!).
God has done so much in my heart over the last few years, and I am not the same person I was! The lies I listed above are not something that were exposed and conquered in my life in one day. Some of them still come creeping into my mind during stressful times or even sometimes when Kevin and I have a disagreement. I have learned to recognize them and cast those thoughts out of my mind now, and this has made me so much stronger, spiritually.
Layer upon layer of junk in my heart has been exposed and then disposed of. It is so important to become aware of the lies that you believe if you are stuck in bondage to something. If we keep trusting in, believing or acting out in certain ways that are sinful, we are believing some sort of lie that is contrary to the Word of God. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be so compelled to do it in the first place. When we repeatedly replace these lies with God’s Truth, we will be able to slowly become the people God created us to be. This is not an overnight process, and I’m aware of that now. I’m encouraged, though, because I know that by God walking me through this step-by-step, I will be able to help someone else through this process also. I know that God has called me to minister to other women who deal with unwanted same sex attractions, and that is so exciting to me.
While we are not always delivered or healed quickly, we can be assured that God uses everyt
hing we turn over to Him for good. He will also use our experience and healing journey to help somebody else free – and that makes it all worthwhile once that time comes.
In what area(s) of your life has God been slowly healing / delivering you?
What lies have you been believing about this situation, and what truths from God’s Word can you replace them with? If you’re not sure, ask God to reveal those lies to you and He will! So often we don’t even know we’re believing any lies that are contrary to God’s Word. Once you discover the lies you have been believing, you can attack them with the truth of God’s Word and begin to tear down the stronghold.
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Listen to Amy’s Testimony (Audio)
