I recently had one of those “edgy” days. A day where every girl looks pretty to me. A day where I feel sexual, and I have a highened awareness of triggery things. A day when I’m thinking more with the “nether regions” of my body, rather than my brain.
Ever get like that?
There are five things I’ve identified from my own life and from my friends in recovery that may be contributing to my having an edgy day. I’ll talk about 3 of them today, and the other 2 tomorrow, along with some Top Tips for dealing with edgy days:
1. GUYS HAVE A (SEXUAL) CYCLE TOO
We all know that women have a cycle when it comes to there bodies and their hormones. Guys seem to have a cycle too. Dr. Mark Laaser says that its every 3 days for guys. Arterburn & Stoeker in Every Man’s Battle talk about a 48 hour cycle.
I’ve notice that there are two types of guys who seem to have a sexual cycle that’s much smaller:
- Guys who still have a lot of lust they’re dealing with
- Guys that are newer to recovery
Some guys have dealt with the affairs and with the porn, but they are giving in regularly to the battle of the mind and the eyes.
The guy who’s newer to recovery is still going through major withdrawals. His battles for purity are deep, and right at the forefront. He’s spending lot of energy fighting off triggers and temptation.
For the single guy, it means you being aware of your own sexual cycle and reaching out to healthy relationships when things get edgy for you. It means you pouring yourself in productive directions instead of letting the lust flow overwhelm you.
For the married guy, this doesn’t mean that you need to have or should have sexual every 2 days (even though you’d like too). I does mean that he needs to be aware of his own cycles and the physical buildup in his body. It is a factor and we need to consider that it may be part of our “edgy” day.
It’s not good for our wives to give us sexuality whenever we want either. We guys need to learn self-control, the importance of serving our wives, and most importantly, that sex is not our #1 need. Most wives have different drives too. It’s not just about us, we need to learn to communicate with our wives about their needs.
2. DYSFUNCTION IN OUR MARRIAGES
We probably have a lot of work to do in helping the sexual component of our marriages find equilibrium again. I’m betting that the spouse who has the lust and sexual addiction problems has done some emotional damage to the other spouse. Our marriages have probably been very self-serving for us. I think it’s important to find a counselor to help you both work on this.
My wife and I have found that our 12 years of sexual dysfunction was way beyond our ability to figure out. We didn’t even know where to start. It has taken many counseling sessions for us to get back on the same page. Another discovery for Marsha and me is that we both have issues and backgrounds that have contributed to our dysfunction. It’s not just my lust-driven desires. It’s a complicated web of issues and ways of coping with our differences. Our counselors have been very helpful as we have sought to unpack all of this.
3. OUR STRESS LEVELS
Another major factor in my edgy days is stress. Let’s face it, when you are stressed out, you are going to have a harder time focusing on your purity. I’ve notice that when my days are busy and I have a big load at work, my body starts looking for a break. I’m thinking less about where my eyes are looking, and I slip into my old patterns for looking for sexual stimulation. Sexual stimulation used to be my big escape and stress reliever. The more stress I used to have, the more I would want to act out sexually.
There are other emotions and needs that may cause you to have edgy days. The HALTS acronym has been very helpful to me. These are some times when I feel more edgy and things are more triggery for me:
H – Hungry
A – Angry
L – Lonely
T – Tired
S – Stressed, Sick, Scared
When our stress or our needs are being neglected, we’re going to have more struggles. When you start feeling edgy, you have to start asking yourself:
- What’s going on underneath the surface?
- What’s my heart look like?
- What am I feeling?
- What are my needs?
- What stresses or emotions am I dealing with right now?”
MORE TOMORROW ON EDGY DAYS
On tomorrow’s blog I’ll share 2 more reasons why we have edgy days and some Top Tips on “How to Deal With Edgy Days”.
Q: What are some other reasons we have edgy days that I’m leaving out?