Accountability

MEN OF VALOR SERIES

BOOK 3:  BECOMING A MAN OF VALOR
http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/becoming-a-man-of-valor/

The third book in Dr. Mark Laaser’s Men of Valor series Becoming a Man of Valor is different from the first two in his series.  He wants us to think about our core and what drives us.  He suggests that this book be used meditatively by asking three key questions:

#1 – Do you want to get well?

#2 – What are you thirsty for?

#3 – Are you willing to die to yourself

Each question comes from New Testament encounters Jesus had with individuals.  Jesus took these people deeper.  His focus wasn’t on their “perceived” needs, but on their core needs.

The three questions are pivotal to the author’s own counseling practice.  “I can’t really work with addicts successfully until they grapple with and answer well the three simple questions in this book.” (12)

Preceeding each key question, the author shares the bible passage attached to it, and offers commentary on each of the verses.

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LISTEN TO JEFF INTERVIEW DR. LAASER ABOUT THIS BOOK
Becoming a Man of Valor – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

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QUESTION #1:  DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL?
The story of Jesus healing the man at the pool of Bethesda from John 5:1-9 brings us this question.  The man had been hanging around the healing pool for 38 years.  Jesus goes for the man’s motivation.

The author wants us to think about our own sicknesses, hang-ups, and addictions.  “What is your sickness?” the author asks the reader.  Are we double-minded?  Are we willing to do what it takes to get be well?

“There are many men who come to see me for counseling, and they want to get well…. It’s truly amazing how zealous they can be…. A part of the problem is that when these men first come in, they are usually motivated by external factors…. The external fears wear off, however, and now they are left with their internal motivation.”  (31)

External motivation only lasts for a season.  Lasting change comes when we are deeply motivated on the inside.  We have to find the courage from God to ask for help.

 

QUESTION #2:  WHAT ARE YOU THIRSTY FOR?
The author spends three chapters discussing this question.  He uses the story of Jesus meeting the immoral Samaritan woman at the well found in John 4:1-26.  Jesus addresses the woman’s “heart need” when he moves the conversation from being physically thirsty to spiritually thirsty.

“The fundamental truth Jesus is teaching is that in the human heart there is a thirst for something that only he can satisfy.” (44)

This is the deepest section of the book.  The author says we are constantly trying to medicate our soul’s thirst with coping substances (sex, coffee, drugs, nicotine) and coping behaviors (adventure, relationships, watching TV, daydreaming).  Even with large amounts of these substances or behaviors, our hearts are still left thirsty.

To give greater understanding to our real needs, the author borrows from his other book Seven Desires of Every Heart to help us understand what our hearts really need.  He walks us through several helpful exercises to discover our true needs.

I felt like I was in a private session with Dr. Laaser when I was reading these chapters.  I believe this section alone is worth the small price of the book (and probably 5 counseling sessions).

 

QUESTION #3:  ARE YOU WILING TO DIE TO YOURSELF?
The story of Mary and Martha in John 11:1-43 helps us consider the third question.  Lazarus, their brother, died.  The sisters were out of options and had given up hope.  They believed in Jesus’ healing power, but they felt it was too late for Lazarus to be saved. If Jesus had only been there earlier things would be different.

The author counsels the reader, saying there are parts of us like pride, arrogance, anger, shame and anxiety that we have to let go of to see God work.

“Answering yes to this question means that you are willing to give up your unhealthy attempts to quench your thirst and discovery what really matters.” (99)

This is the only chapter of Becoming a Man of Valor where I thought the Scripture used was a stretch.  I expected the author to use one of several Scriptures relating to the cost of discipleship, like the story of the Rich Young Ruler (Luke 18:18-23).

My biggest takeaway, as I pondered this question, was the importance of surrender.  I do not always know what’s best for me or my situation.  I jump to conclusions, I overestimate my abilities, and I can easily give up hope when life blows up.  It’s important that I surrender my control over to God and let him be my Resurrection and Life.

 

TIME TO REREAD THIS BOOK
When I read this book again, I will go slowly through it, and take time with these questions.  I think I’ll end up spending time on Question 2 “What are you thirsty for?”  It’s hard to know exactly what I need to “die to”, surrender and heal from if I don’t know what I’m thirsty for, and the unhealthy ways I’m trying to satisfy my thirst.

 

A WORD OF THANKS
I was amazed when he closed his Taking Every Thought Captive book with this statement:

“An author reaches a point, I think, in which he feels that he has said everything he wants to say on a certain topic.  I have the satisfying feeling that I have done so in this book.”  (119)

As I read these books in succession, I felt like Dr. Laaser I was at my side, as a  cheerleader, a counselor, and a friend.  He was trying to write out the best help he has gathered to help me on my journey as a man and as a recovering sexual struggler.

Thanks, Dr. Laaser for pouring your experience soul into these three books.

 

INTERVIEW QUESTIONS FOR DR. LAASER

BOOK 3 – Becoming a Man of Valor

• How did the 3 questions come about?  A sermon series?  Books?  Your personal teachings?
• In your counseling, how do you take counselees through these 3 questions?
• Why do people stall at the first question “Do you want to get well?”  The answer seems so obvious.
• You spend a lot of time on Question #2 “What are you thirsty for?” is this where the bulk of the work is?
• What keeps us from discovering our thirst?
• In Chapters 3 & 4, you draw from your teachings from Seven Desires of the Heart.  What insights have you learned about the 7 desires since you originally wrote the Seven Desires book?
• Die to self – I thought you would go directly for the Cost of Discipleship verses.
• What clicks in a person that finally brings him to surrender?

4 PODCAST INTERVIEWS WITH DR. LAASER

#1  General Questions and Introduction to the Man of Valor Series – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#2  Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#3  Taking Every Thought Captive – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#4  Becoming a Man of Valor – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

 

MEET DR. MARK LAASER

Dr. Mark Laaser is an internationally known author and speaker who has written several books, including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Pornography Trap.  He and his wife Debbie started Faithful and True Ministries to counsel couples healing from sexual addiction.

www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

 

MEN OF VALOR SERIES

BOOK 2:  TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE
http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/taking-every-thought-captive/

The second book in Dr. Mark Laaser’s Men of Valor series Becoming a Man of Valor hovers around a big challenge for guys:  developing a godly thought life.

The author definitely deals with curbing immoral sexual thoughts in the book, but he’s quick to point out that our minds can be overrun by many types of thoughts.  Thoughts about power, prestige, success and money can also take root in our hearts and lead us down the wrong path.

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LISTEN TO JEFF INTERVIEW DR. LAASER ABOUT THE BOOK
Taking Every Thought Captive – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

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SHORT-TERM STRATEGIES VS LONG-TERM SOLUTIONS
The first three chapters are packed with practical ways to start working on our thought life.  Most of these strategies come from Alcoholics Anonymous:  avoiding triggers, the 3-second rule, make phone calls, distraction, and meditation.  These strategies are behavioral, though.  The  author is quick to mention:

“…these behavioral approaches to taking thoughts captive are only the first step.  Behavioral solutions are only short-term strategies, not long-term solutions.” (15)

The rest of the book focuses on long-term solutions.  I think the greatest value of the book is found here.  Chapters 4 and 5 help the reader learn to take his fantasies captive by identifying them, looking for the hurts and needs that drive them, and surrendering them to Christ.  Chapter 6 explains that our behaviors need to be motivated by vision, not fantasy, and shows us how to recognize the difference.

Fantasy = mental pictures of what you think will meet your desires

Vision = God’s picture based on your calling (115-116)

 

BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND BRAIN CARE
I appreciate the simple explanation the author gives in Chapter 3 of the chemicals released by an addictive substance.

Dopamine – The “feel-good” chemical.  Released with arousal and sexual pleasure.

Oxytocin – The “bonding” chemical.  Released when non-sexual or sexual touch happens.  Gives a feeling of well-being and connection.

Catecholamines – The “euphoria” chemicals, often compared to the high that comes from heroin.  There is also a calming experience that comes with these chemicals.

Sexual pleasure brings the widest release of these chemicals – fantastic for a marriage, but incredibly destructive outside of the marriage context.

Most surprising to me, was the amount of time the author writes about brain health.  He shares from his experiences with Dr. Daniel Amen (www.amenclinics.com), who specializes in brain diagnosis and treatment. The author believes a person’s mental health can be a factor in taking one’s thoughts captive.  The author never blamed mental illness or distracted from the healing power of God in writing this chapter.

The reader is encouraged to pay attention to his mental health and brain chemistry by getting help from a medical professional, having the right medications, and paying attention to his diet.

The author believes a person will be able to glorify God better and work on his thought life when his brain is healthy.

 

IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE TO TAKE MY THOUGHTS CAPTIVE?
For me, as a recovering sexual addict, this was the book I needed most for my own purity journey.  I’ll be leading our Saturday morning sexual addiction support group through Taking Every Thought Captive first.  Many in our group are developing good strategies to deal with our bad sexual behaviors, but our biggest battles are fought in our mind.

Many men I’ve talked with don’t believe they can have pure minds – not really.  If they can stop looking at porn or masturbating, they feel like they’ve reached a major milestone – and they have!  But they impure thoughts are too much to get under control.

Taking Every Thought Captive offers men hope that a healthy thought life is possible and teaches men how to the deep places to make it happen.

 

BOOK 2 – Taking Every Thought Captive

• What thoughts are we talking about taking captive, not just sexual thoughts, right?
• Some would say “I just need more of Jesus to deal with my thought life.  More Bible, prayer and worship.”  How would you respond to this?
• Others would say controlling our thought life is about our objects of affection.  If I love Jesus the most and He’s the biggest thing in my mind I won’t have thought problems.
• “Thought life” has a negative connotation to it to many.  How do you see it?
• Is it more about redeeming our thought life?
• The back half of this book talks about fantasy and vision.  What is the difference between “fantasy” and “vision”?
• I was surprised how much attention you have to brain chemistry and brain health in this book.  How much of a factor is it for those you counsel?  Major? Something we need to be aware of? Different with different ages and phases of life?
• How are support groups / 12-step groups doing when it comes to L/T solutions to sobriety?
• I’ve talked with a lot of men that don’t really believe they can take their thoughts captive They feel like it’s too big of a battle.  How would you encourage them?

4 PODCAST INTERVIEWS WITH DR. LAASER

#1  General Questions and Introduction to the Man of Valor Series – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#2  Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#3  Taking Every Thought Captive – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#4  Becoming a Man of Valor – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

 

MEET DR. MARK LAASER

Dr. Mark Laaser is an internationally known author and speaker who has written several books, including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Pornography Trap.  He and his wife Debbie started Faithful and True Ministries to counsel couples healing from sexual addiction.

www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

MEN OF VALOR SERIES

BOOK 1:  THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES OF HIGHLY ACCOUNTABLE MEN
http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/the-seven-priniciples-of-highly-accountable-men/

It would be cruel if I reviewed this book and didn’t list the seven principles for you, so here they are:

1. Accountability begins with brokenness, confession and repentance.
2. Accountability requires your being able to talk about your feelings and needs.
3. Accountability always requires a group of men or women, not just one person.
4. Accountability means you must get rid of the garbage in your life.
5. Prepare when you are strong for a time when you will be weak.
6. Accountability means building and defending in equal measures.
7. To change a negative behavior, you must do whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

The author is not trying to give us a simple checklist, but impart deep key principles from his 23 years of counseling men and couples.

Whether you have established accountability relationships, or you have never had accountability, this book will be helpful to you.  It communicates on multiple levels sharing the basic principles of accountability, the bigger picture of accountability, and the guts of what happens in good accountability relationships.

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LISTEN TO JEFF INTERVIEW DR. LAASER ABOUT THIS BOOK
Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

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Seven Principles is not a book of logistics.  You won’t find key questions to ask your accountability partners.  Th e book won’t give you instructions on how to gather friends and structure a meeting.  It is written to help you see how accountability and deep interpersonal connections are essential in becoming a Man of Valor.

The author sees Nehemiah from the Old Testament as a Man of Valor, and draws heavily from his story to illustrate accountability.  Nehemiah was burdened about the broken walls of Jerusalem and the waywardness of his people (Principle 1).  He shares his burden with King Artaxerxes and gathers a group to begin the rebuild (Principles 2 & 3).  He and the men cleared the rubble (Principle 4), rebuilt the gate, faced opposition (Principle 5), defended their project (Principle 6) and finished well (Principle 7).

Nehemiah’s journey is a springboard the author uses to show the principles behind accountability. Many men want to change, but never risk the journey.  They struggle with addictions and sinful hang-ups, knowing they need to change, but are too fearful of other men knowing their junk.  They’re afraid to have other men in their lives.  They’re afraid of showing weakness and vulnerability.

To achieve true change, a person must be accountable to others to make the change…. I have seen many people struggle with addiction because they don’t fully understand the foundation of accountability. (7)

 

OVERARCHING THEMES IN THE SERIES
If you read all three of Dr. Laaser’s books (which you don’t have to), you’ll notice repeating themes important with becoming a Man of Valor:

Going solo is deadly – We need one another, we need accountability, we need safe people we can share our struggles with, and we need a team of people to assist us.

Our deep needs must to be addressed in healthy ways – It’s easy to misinterpret our deep needs or try to meet them thr ough addictive behaviors.  The author features principles from his book The Seven Desires of Every Heart to help us learn what our core needs are and how to work on them.

We have to talk honestly about our junk – We won’t be able to work on our struggle and addictions if we don’t talk about them.  We have to find others we can talk to and risk sharing the weaker parts of our lives.

There is much to unlearn and heal from – God will use His Word and other men to show us areas that need change.  We have core beliefs that are not godly.  We hold onto shame that must be released.  We have wrong goals or wrong ways of achieving goals that must be corrected.

 

OUR NEED TO BUILD
Principle Six stood out to me:  Accountability means building and defending in equal measure.  The author reminds the reader he is called by God to use his talents, creativity and energy in positive ways that glorify Him.

I believe we are all built to be creative and productive.  We long to build.  God put creative energy in our brains so that we will “be fruitful and increase in number.” (Genesis 1:28)  (92)

Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men caused me to reflect on how often I took my time, talents and creativity and used them to feed my selfish desires.  I pursued sexual pleasure and was so creative in finding ways to feed my addiction.  But God is in the process of redeeming the unhealthy structures I have built.  Good accountability relationships encourage me to build in the right directions:  physically, relationally, in my character, and toward my calling.

 

BOOK 1 – The Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men

• You’re 25 years into your recovery.  What accountability do you have set up?
• Your book is not a logistical book on accountability, not a how-to-do-accountability book.  How would you describe your book?
• Which of these 7 principles do you think are harder than others?
• You refer to our deeper needs a lot in this series of books.  How does accountability help us with our deepest needs?
• Principle #3 says Accountability always requires a group of men or women, not just one person.  Why is one accountability partner not enough?  What do you mean by this principle?
• Do you see support groups or 12-step groups as accountability groups, or is accountability something different?
• What are some misunderstandings you think we have about accountability?

4 PODCAST INTERVIEWS WITH DR. LAASER

#1  General Questions and Introduction to the Man of Valor Series – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#2  Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#3  Taking Every Thought Captive – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

#4  Becoming a Man of Valor – MP3 (listen or “save as”)

 

MEET DR. MARK LAASER

Dr. Mark Laaser is an internationally known author and speaker who has written several books, including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Pornography Trap.  He and his wife Debbie started Faithful and True Ministries to counsel couples healing from sexual addiction.

www.faithfulandtrueministries.com