addiction

Top Tips 025 – It Takes Courage to Get Free

by Jeff Fisher on April 29, 2012

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Some of you are more courageous than me.

I never shared my sexual struggles. I isolated. I covered up. I hid. I guarded myself from getting too close to others. Even when I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit over my sexual sin, I pushed Him away. I did not have the guts to come forward and seek help.

I thought I could handle my struggles. I thought I was strong enough to overcome them. Eventually, I thought, I’ll get to a place where I could “outholy” my hangups with my righteous devotion and spiritual disciplines. Or maybe I would outgrow my desire for sexual content. The bomb kept growing and ticking in my life.

My heart was hardened, my understanding was darkened, and I had no idea how far I had strayed from God’s calling to purity. After a while, the conviction the Holy Spirit sent me was a distant pang. I barely felt Him or heard Him. I didn’t get help until my bomb went off.

I got caught looking at porn on a work computer. I was asked to resign my ministry and leave the area because of it. I almost lost my family in the process. It took a blow like this to get my attention. The bomb brought the humbling and brokenness I was missing. But the carnage was greater because I hid my secrets.

If I had the courage to share my secret sexual sins the consequences might not have been so painful.

I’m impressed with those who email, call our Google Voice line, or approach me after church on Sunday to get help for their sexual sin. They are taking a brave step. It takes a lot of _________ [guts, balls, courage] to share your junk with another person.

A SMALL STEP IS HUGE FOR THE STRUGGLER
Sure it’s only an email or a phone call, but it’s GIGANTIC for the man or woman who has been hiding for years, never telling a soul of their secret struggles. Of course they’ll have to take other, more painful steps to get clean. But it is a step in the right direction.

I was so paralyzed by my fears I couldn’t take one step. I was so conflicted with my sexual sin, I had to rationalize it and minimize it so I could continue living with myself. My self-deception became so bad I began to believe that God was OK with my sinning, that He somehow tolerated it.

Some of you are sitting in the same pocket of fear and internal conflict I experienced. Are you ready to be courageous and reach out for help?

It’s only a matter of time before your deeds of darkness will be exposed. At some point, you will slip up. You will get caught. You will forget to wipe the history on your browser or cover the tracks of your secret relationship. Or, perhaps, God will allow your spouse or boss to figure it out. I thought I had covered my tracks on the office computer. It was weeks later that my pornographic surfing was found out. It is not hard for God to open the eyes of others so we get caught.

I hope you will be courageous.

Walking in truth. Confessing your sins. Repenting of your sinful behaviors. Seeking help from safe, skilled people. These are the keys to victory.

—

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line: (321) 5-PURITY

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Start Helping Others With Their Porn Problem

by Jeff Fisher on December 30, 2011

large_goatee_mustache.jpg image by samc425

Tom looks kind of like this.

Tom, a friend of mine, has worked with guys dealing with sexual addiction for many years. He has led sexual recovery groups, and meets with several guys each week. I was curious when a guy in recovery is ready to start helping others.

1. When are guys who are recovering from porn addiction ready to help others?
It varies with each person, but essentially they are ready to help others as soon as they begin their healing. I would say that it helps us as much as it does the person we are helping. It is always easier to see issues in others than in ourselves, but it helps to reveal our own deep issues when we see it in others.

2. What are some things a guy needs to have progress on, in order to start helping others?
They should be out of the “crisis” stage before reaching out to help anyone else. If a guy has been having in an ongoing affair he should end the affair before reaching out to anyone else. Or if he has been masturbating a couple of times a day, that should diminish considerably prior to helping another person. They should also be in some recovery program prior to helping someone else.

3. What are the key components to helping others?
Mainly to talk about their own struggles. I have found that the biggest issue addicts deal with is the belief that they are the only one doing this, or the only one doing it to that degree. The shame involved is immense and fuels the addiction, so hearing from another person that they struggle in a similar way helps to break down that false belief. It also opens the door to sharing their own issues more easily. Any success they have had will also encourage the person they are helping.

4. Why are groups so helpful to helping others?
One of the biggest benefits is hearing that others struggle in the same areas. Groups also give you eyes/ears/experiences to help you see things that you cannot. Accountability helps, but it is only as good as the person leading the group. The more transparent the leader, the more open the group members will be.

5. How do you do accountability when you’re helping other guys?
Accountability is modeled by the leader or leaders. Even if there isn’t a designated leader someone will always fill that role and it is important that they are transparent and humble. I have found that it was more valuable to the group that I confessed when I slipped than if I didn’t say anything about it. I thought that it would hinder their recovery if they knew that the group leader still slipped at times but I was completely wrong.

Jesus is our standard. The group leader needs to be an example of honesty and openness. I try to confess anything I am struggling with even if it has nothing to do with sexual addiction. Marriage, kids, job, my walk with Christ, anger, overeating, laziness, etc. Wherever I am struggling it is important that I share that, and of course if I am struggling with temptation that would be a very good thing to share.

6. How do you know a guy is serious about getting better?
If they are willing to come to the meetings regularly and share what they are struggling with it is a good sign. If not, then they are probably not serious about getting healthy, and are just looking to check off that they went to a group.

They also need to be reading books on sexual addiction recovery and contacting other guys throughout the week.

Counseling is something I HIGHLY recommend for every addict and co-addict, in addition to being in a group.

I use the analogy of a gym membership. You can join a club, even show up regularly, but it you don’t use the equipment or work out then you aren’t serious about getting in shape.

Thanks, Tom for the good advice!

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Numb to the Voice of God

by Jeff Fisher on December 1, 2011

erosion

An erosion takes place in our lives because of sexual sin.

Sexual sin slowly erodes our ability to hear God’s voice.

Many people who struggle with sexual purity are Christians and spiritual people. We seek God, go to church, pray, and feel like we’ve let down God when we act out. We try many times to stop our behaviors, but keep having trouble.

EARLY STRUGGLES
When we are first struggling with sexual sins, God’s Spirit is strong on our life telling us that our behaviors are wrong. We may be reading the Bible actively and memorizing verses to help. When we cross new lines, we feel the butterflies in our stomach telling us that this is not God’s path.

THE EROSION
Erosion of our spiritual life always happens with sexual addiction. Sometimes it is radical and immediate, especially if we cross a very large line. But for most of us, the erosion is gradual.

We start hardening our hearts. We keep turning our back on His warnings. We convince ourselves that behaviors are OK. We plunge more and more into acting out. We start rationalizing our sin. Minimizing our sin. Then compartmentalizing our life.

COMPARTMENTALIZE
For guys it’s especially easy to compartmentalize. We switch off some areas of our life and focus on others. For addicts, we can function at work and home and push our secret sexual struggles and struggles with God out of our mind. It’s a way of minimizing.

Before we know it, we stop hearing from God. We stop having a vision for our lives. Our prayers, bible reading and church going becomes a burden and futile.

JEFF’S EROSION
I was in the middle of ministry when my sexual sin escalated. I was teaching, preaching, and training others up to follow God. Yet my spiritual life was slowly eroding. As I started to get deeper into my Internet usage, I struggled more and more with maintaining my secret. I started lying to my wife and to others. I started to isolate myself from people who might ask questions.

My times with God began to dry up. My bible reading was a struggle. Putting messages together was not easy. I stopped hearing from the Lord. I stopped having a vision for my own life, family, and church.

SOMETHING HAS TO BLOW IT UP
How do we start hearing from God again? Something has to crack in our lives. Either we get so sick of our life that we change something, or God gets so sick of our behavior that he pulls the plug and lets His discipline flow. It usually takes a pounding and great loss to get our attention and turn us around.

FINDING GOD’S VOICE AGAIN
This comes gradually. We have to realize how far we have strayed. We have to get a sense of the seriousness of our sins. We have to spend some time crying out to God in repentance and surrender.

We need an influx of truth to help us find God’s voice again. We have become deceived and have believed many lies that our behavior was somehow acceptable. We have lost the fear and respect of God.

Counselors, support groups, and good mentors are very helpful in helping us find God’s voice again. You can’t get there quickly. You have spent a long time drifting away. Let God use other people to help you find His voice again. Let God use His truth to

Recovery from sexual addiction is working when you are actively hearing from the Lord again.

Q: How’s God’s voice in your life?

Q: Who do you have around you helping you to find God’s voice again?

–

porntopurity@gmail.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

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How I Am Finding Healing From My Anger – Pt.2

by Jeff Fisher on November 30, 2011

Yesterday I shared 3 things that are helping me find healing from my anger.
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1. SHARING MY ANGER AND HURTS

2. WRITING IT OUT

3. HEARING OUR STORY

Today I share 3 more things that have been instrumental in helping me heal from anger.

SURRENDERING MY ANGER AND HURTS TO GOD
This began with writing in my notebook. My counselor encouraged me to begin writing down my hurts and bring them to God in prayer. I did quite an inventory of the hurts of my past and present and filled my notebook up. It was a great tool. It helped me start praying to God, getting His understanding, and His view of the hurt. I felt His touch on each hurt instantly. My hurts were once in vivid color in my mind, and after surrendering them to God, they became a pale black and white memory.

I am still discovering hurts and using this exercise. I still have to bring some of the old hurts back to God and surrender to Him for a deeper healing.

PUTTING MYSELF IN OTHERS’ SHOES
This has been a very recent addition to my healing. I try and think about the pain my action caused others. I was hurt by others, yes. But my actions hurt many people. Others have had to suffer the consequences of my sexual sin. In my anger, I am just focused on myself. In recovery, I am learning to be concerned for the people that I hurt.

My intervention was painful and necessary. I have had to let go of anger at God and anger toward my mentors who intervened in my life. I am starting to think about how painful it was for them to do the right thing and confront me. It did not happen immediately. They waited a couple of weeks for an opportune time at the end of a Summer. It must have been excruciating for them. I know it was.

Thinking about what others had to go through, helps me get my eyes off of myself and onto the pain of others. It has helps me forgive. It also helps me move toward gratitude.

GRATITUDE
This is the granddaddy of healing! Being grateful for people, circumstances, and pain was something I thought impossible, even absurd. I was angry at God and others for messing up my life. I wanted justification. I wanted to teach others a lesson.

But God is helping me see differently now, and be thankful.

Thankful God is present, loves me, helps me, provides for me, gives me strength.

Thankful for the people who cared enough to confront me.

Thankful for my support group and accountability buddies.

Thankful for the pain that is helping me become more Christlike.

Thankful that I’m a new person now.

Thankful for the people who have stuck it out with me.

Thankful that our story is helping others.

Thankful that my present and future are in God’s hands.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?
What things have helped you find healing from your anger?
What advice would you give those in recovery who have a lot of anger?

Leave a blog comment or email us at porntopurity@gmail.com

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How I Am Finding Healing From My Anger – Pt.1

by Jeff Fisher on November 29, 2011

It’s easy to blame someone and be mad at them. When my sexual addiction came out on the table, I was mad at everyone: myself, my wife, my parents, my mentors, my friends, God.

For some… I thought they were part of the problem
For some… I thought they had let me down
For some… I thought they forced me to lose my job and leave the area
For some… I thought they made me the way I am
For some… I felt their threats and expectations set me up for failure

I want to share some of the things that are helping me find healing from my anger. Maybe they will be an encouragement to you.

1. SHARING MY ANGER AND HURTS
Sharing my anger was an important part of my recovery. I had hurts building up in my life, I was experiencing the hurt from the consequences of my sin, and I had hurts from the rejection and separation I was feeling.

Part of my working through this was sharing my anger with counselors, with friends, with those that had hurt me. I needed to get some of it off my chest. But getting there’s a fine line between “getting it off my chest” and “being vindictive”. My attitude many times was: I’m hurt, so I want others to hurt.

I had a pattern of not sharing my feelings and hurts, and had to learn to share them. Instead of “acting out” sexually, I began to talk with others about the junk in my life.

2. WRITING IT OUT
I started carrying around a notebook with me. At first, it was to have a healthy outlet to work out my feelings and needs. I would write instead of “act out”. But notebook writing became a place for me to process my thoughts.

I can actually “work things out” in my notebook. I can hear myself think and get some clues to what’s going on inside.

3. HEARING OUR STORY
Marsha and I have been interviewed by a few newspapers and podcasts. We’ve even done a few podcasts of our own. It’s always interesting to hear ourselves on a podcast. I can literally hear myself talk. I can hear my voice and the way I’m presenting my story.

I identify with me. I hear myself and think about my story. It’s like I’m on the outside looking in.

I also able to hear my voice and process things a little more objectively. When I’m hurt, I present MY side of the story. I represent ME and want others to see the hurt I went through or pity ME.

–

Tomorrow, I’ll share 4 more things that are helping me heal from my anger.

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The Truth About Lying to Others

November 25, 2011

Yesterday’s blog was on “Why We Lie”. Today’s blog brings light and truth to those lies.

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Why We Lie to Others

November 24, 2011

Get to the core of why we lie.

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I’m Trying to Stop Looking at Porn, Pray For Me

November 15, 2011

Marsha and I get several emails from Porn to Purity readers that say: “I’m struggling with pornography. I’m trying to get out. Pray for me.” Some are testing the waters to see if we are really out here and will respond. We are, and we do. Others are reaching out for the first time, and [...]

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Why WE Can’t Stop Sexual Sin

September 27, 2011

I continue to realize that I cannot stop my sexual sin. But it doesn’t mean that all is hopeless and that I’m trapped. Also included: a funny routine by Bob Newhart.

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Being a One-Woman Man

September 1, 2011

A worship leader must be a “one-woman man.” He must maintain integrity in relationships with the opposite sex and go to great lengths to protect himself from sin. This man must have a godly, growing, and strong marriage. He must not be addicted to pornography or have wandering eyes.

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Decision That Led to Me to Porn: California or Cable?

June 23, 2011

Our family’s decision to get cable TV was one of the worst we ever made.

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