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14 Ways We Justify an Emotional Affair

by Jeff Fisher on February 17, 2012

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In her book Entangled:  A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing Your Emotional Affair and Restoring Your Marriage, Amy J. Bennett shares a great list of ways we justify an emotional affair.

  1. It’s just pretend, fun, no harm
  2. This could never happen in real life
  3. Not physical, so OK
  4. I’m helping him; he’s helping me
  5. Helps my marriage
  6. I would never cheat on my husband
  7. Not even physically together
  8. He’s my real soul mate
  9. Better than my husband
  10. My husband doesn’t deserve my attention
  11. Husband deserves my betrayal
  12. Just friends
  13. My husband would tell me if he has a problem
  14. Enough love for both

Available at www.entangledbook.com or on Amazon.com

OTHER POSTS

Jeff’s book review of Entangled

How Do You Know You’re Getting Close to an Emotional Affair?

The 4 Stages of an Emotional Affair

14 Ways We Justify an Emotional Affair

Four Stages of An Emotional Affair

by Jeff Fisher on February 17, 2012

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In her book Entangled:  A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing Your Emotional Affair and Restoring Your Marriage, Amy J. Bennett gives us some insight on how an emotional affair develops.

  1. More than friend thinking – It goes beyond average with this person.
  2. What ifs – Fantasies kick in.  You wonder what it’s like to be with this person romantically.
  3. Discussing feelings – You begin having conversations you don’t have with anyone else, sharing your feelings and longings.  You are trying to get to know them on a personal level.
  4. Doubts about your current spouse – You are giving up your current relationship for this new one.  You are convincing yourself that life would be better with this new person.

Available at www.entangledbook.com or on Amazon.com

OTHER POSTS

Jeff’s book review of Entangled

How Do You Know You’re Getting Close to an Emotional Affair?

The 4 Stages of an Emotional Affair

14 Ways We Justify an Emotional Affair

In her book Entangled:  A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing Your Emotional Affair and Restoring Your Marriage, Amy J. Bennett gives us some insight on how to know you’re getting close to an emotional affair.

  • Your accelerated heart beat gives you away.
  • Your lack of appetite is noticeable.
  • You feel exhausted.
  • You think about him all the time.
  • Your daydreams are consumed with him.
  • You wish you’d never met your husband or you fantasize about his death.
  • Songs make you think of him.  You may share lyrics.
  • You write poems or stories reflecting feelings or fantasies.
  • You think of him when you dress or fix your hair.
  • You confess dreams or feelings for each other.
  • You find reasons to give gifts.
  • You desire to see him or being where you know he will be.
  • Find reasons to see each other.
  • You allow yourself to be alone with him.
  • When you’re not together you remain connected.  Your spouse is unaware.
  • Friends and family remain clueless.
  • You refer to each other as girlfriend / boyfriend or office wife / husband.

Available at www.entangledbook.com or on Amazon.com

OTHER POSTS

Jeff’s book review of Entangled

How Do You Know You’re Getting Close to an Emotional Affair?

The 4 Stages of an Emotional Affair

14 Ways We Justify an Emotional Affair

ENTANGLED BOOK REVIEW

Amy J. Bennett

Entangled:  A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing Your Emotional Affair and Restoring Your Marriage

QUICK SUMMARY: Author Amy J. Bennett shares her story of falling into an emotional affair with a co-worker.  She gives a thorough analysis of how her emotional affair happened, how it progressed and the points of vulnerability from her life and marriage that made her a risk for an emotional affair.

123 pages
Available at www.entangledbook.com or on Amazon.com

JEFF’S REVIEW
I’m curious how emotional affairs begin.  I take cautions in my personal and professional life to prevent relationships from going places, but where’s the line?  And do I have any blind spots that could cause met to get in trouble?

This book is a woman’s guide. It says so in the subtitle of the book.  Guys will get a lot from the book, but ladies, this book is written to you.  You will feel a connection to Amy.  You will see parallels to your own life.  And this book might keep your relationships from going places that will damage your marriage and family.

The author did not have a physical affair. She and a coworker developed a deep personal relationship and stepped over many boundaries.  God helped Amy and her husband pull the plug before it turned physical.

Emotional affairs happen when a relationship is pushed past the “just a friend” stage and a strong bond develops.  Strong bonding is good for the marriage, but deadly for relationships outside of marriage.  The author helps us see that things don’t have to get physical to get way out of hand.

A Thorough Inventory
I’m impressed that the author took a serious inventory of what happened and wrote it down for our benefit.  She doesn’t want you and me to make the same mistakes she made.  The strongest parts of the book are when she breaks down:

(Click the links above to read Amy’s great advice for each topic)

The book is easy to read and a page turner.  We know the emotional affair is going to develop, but we don’t quite know how it will develop.  At times, I felt like I was watching a TV program where they show the last 5 minutes first, then go back and show you how the scenario developed.  We knew the author was developing an emotional affair.  We know it’s going to get bad.  But we don’t know how it evolves.

HELP WITH RECOVERY AND A RARE CHAPTER
The third and fourth sections are about recovery and building a healthy marriage.  There are thoughts on breaking the lies we’ve believed, turning to God for our deepest needs, and renewing our commitment to our marriage.

I was shocked when I came to the chapter on “Pride”.  It is a simple, potent reminder of a sinful state that prevents us from repenting and finding healing.  Many recovery books gloss past pride.  It was obvious to me the author has learned some major lessons on pride.

ONE WISH AND ONE THING I’M CURIOUS ABOUT
The author does a great job sharing scripture (she even has a long list of all the scriptures used in the Appendix).  She also quotes Beth Moore (a great women’s bible teacher) several times.  I would have liked to have seen some other authors quoted.  Quotes from counselors and training in emotional affair recovery would make this strong book even stronger.

I’m also curious about the men who get in emotional affairs.  I know that many of them are the initiators.  Some of them are manipulators.  I wonder about the man’s side, the parallels and the differences that we would learn.  Reading Entangled made me want to look for about men and emotional affairs

A GOOD BOOK TO HELP YOU AVOID MARITAL PITFALLS

  • Are you curious how an emotional affair starts?
  • Are you wondering how you can step over boundaries in your relationships and barely realize it?
  • Do you want to hear from a godly woman who has been through it and survived?

This book give us some good wisdom and training.

Available at www.entangledbook.com or on Amazon.com

A Covenant With My Eyes – Job 31:1

by Jeff Fisher on January 17, 2012

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Job 31:1 “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.”

LISTEN TO JEFF SHARE THIS PODCAST
Click HERE to download directly.

Job is an Old Testament book we probably  don’t read very often or maybe never have read.  Job was a very righteous guy.  He had a serious commitment to living out his righteousness and living out a pure life before God.

In the context of this verse and this chapter, a lot of bad things have happened to Job.  His friends have come to him and said that if you were really righteous these things would not happen to you.  Job is defending himself in this chapter.  He’s taking an inventory of his life saying, “I haven’t sinned here, or here, or here.  God is not punishing me for my sins.”  He now comes to chapter 31 and says, “I haven’t sinned with my eyes either.”

Job is so focused on God and engaged, he could say that his eyes were pure.  He had not looked lustfully with his eyes.  Wow!

Lust was not something Job wanted to have a part of.  He didn’t want it to characterize his life or trip him up.  He has obviously taken some proactive measures to shore up his eyes and mind.  He made a “covenant”

What is a covenant?

THE IMPORTANCE OF A COVENANT
A covenant is a coming together.  It’s a solemn agreement between two parties.  Job knew that his eyes could trip him up.  He took action beforehand.  He wanted his will to become one with his eyes.

Job was a married guy.  This commitment to God was also a commitment to his wife.

Job brought his eyes in submission to his will, first with an agreement.

I’ve noticed in my own life when I make a commitment, a promise or write something down it has a better chance of sticking in my life.  Commitments make me stronger and more aware.

I still have to choose to live by this covenant daily.  Job walked daily in this covenant.  He stayed engaged in his mission to be righteous and to be a good representative of God.

INTEGRITY
What’s amazing is that now he’s called into question.  “Where have you sinned Job?” is the question his friends are asking.   He can say with integrity he didn’t sin.

If I was called into question about my sin and about my eyes, I certainly couldn’t say this.  I messed up today and yesterday.  What day don’t I mess up?  I guess I figured with all of my recovery work and intensity I would get to a point where looking lustfully at a girl wouldn’t be a problem.  But it is a problem.  I recognize that God has hardwired me to be attracted to the opposite sex. He has made me a visual person.  And my eyes are a part of my life that I have chosen to take in an unhealthy direction… many times.  I’ve had two and a half decades of looking lustfully at a woman.  It’s going to take me a while to get to where Job is.  It hasn’t come instantaneously.

Job’s not a perfect guy.  It’s not that he didn’t sin.  Of course he did.  But he was not ignorant about his life and his behaviors.  He kept his sins and failings up-to-date.  He kept his eyes in check.

I can feel God calling me to make a solemn covenant with my eyes so I can be better in this area.

We think our eye battle is a battle that can’t be won.  We think it’s too hard.  We think there is too much temptation.  We believe everyone looks, everyone objectifies, and after all, I’m a guy, and that’s what guys do.

Job proves this thinking wrong.

LOOKING LUSTFULLY IS THE PROBLEM
I’m also reminded that the look is not the problem.  Looking lustfully is the problem.  Coveting. Objectifying.  Fantacizing.  Trying to work it out so you can touch the woman.

GOD’S VERY HIGH STANDARD
This verse reminds us of God’s high standard.  He wants us to not look lustfully.  This high standard is right up there with Ephesians 5:3 which commands us to not even have a “hint of sexual immorality” in us.

RECOVERY PRINCIPLES

  1. God wants us to be pure with our eyes.  It’s possible with God’s power.
  2. Our eyes are not going to get pure by themselves.  We have to be very intentional.  We have to engage our eyes.
  3. We need to work toward healthy looks and healthy relationships with women.

Jeff Fisher lives in Raleigh, NC.  He and his wife run the site www.porntopurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to those who are affected by sexual sin. Checkout Jeff’s podcasts on I-Tunes:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity, Top Verses For Sexual Purity, and For Ministers Who Struggle.

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