General

When Do You Get to Maintenance Level in Sexual Recovery?

by Jeff Fisher on April 18, 2012

In a previous post, I talked about “The 5 Stages of Sexual Addiction Recovery”.

1. Crisis Stage
2. Picking Up the Pieces Stage
3. Repair Stage
4. Strengthening and Conditioning Stage
5. Maintenance Stage

I wanted to talk more about the Maintenance Stage. This is part of the “big picture” of sexual addiction recovery.

The idea of the Maintenance Stage is to be at a place in your recovery where you are strong enough to do the fundamentals. You have good systems in place, and you are actively maintain your support system.

You hit the maintenance stage somewhere in your recovery when:

Your crisis is over
You are having no relapses
There are minimal slips
A healthy sexuality is being established
You have a healthy network of relationships established (support structure)
You have developed a good offensive and defensive strategy

WHAT MY TRUMPET TEACHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MAINTENANCE
I wrote a blog a while back called “Lessons I Learned About Sexual Recovery From My Trumpet Teacher”. The gist of the blog was that performers get to the point when they can self-diagnose. They know when they are having trouble with a piece of music and can isolate the problem. They know the importance of going back to the fundamentals to get through harder passages. They also know when to call for help from another teacher.

MAINTENANCE IS NOT NEGLECT
If you are in the maintenance stage, you are still working to maintain health. You can’t stay healthy if you are neglecting your recovery. By this point in your recovery, you have learned to identify triggers and temptations, pause, and call a friend. You have learned the things to avoid, and have set up roadblocks and boundaries to keep you away from danger zones. You are proactive in your recovery instead of reactive.

Many jump into maintenance level way too quickly. We think we are much stronger than we really are. Take your time. It is best to let others tell you that you are ready for this level.

Maintenance level is a level where we have to be diligent.

DO I STOP GOING TO SUPPORT GROUP?
I suspect the answer for many reading this is “no”.

You have to have an active network setup before you go to maintenance level and stop attending support group. You have to have a track record of doing well with your accountability. You need to have developed a “pause” between trigger and acting out. You need to know how important it is to call someone the instant you get edgy, or even before. Your support group is still an important leg of your maintenance level.

If you have a network of intimate relationships relationships with other guys that can meet the same needs as your support group, then try it.

Having other guys in our life is the only way we’re going to know if we’re going off course. We are not the best judges of our own course. We can easily be deceived by our own sin nature.

[Blog & Podcast - "You Gotta Have Other Dudes in Your Life"]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Q: Is there a maintenance level in recovery?

Q: When does a person get to this level?

Q: What else does a person need to do when he’s at the maintenance level?

–
jeff@porntopurity.com
porntopurity on Twitter

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Recovery NO-NOs: Transfering Your Guilt

by Jeff Fisher on November 17, 2011

When we feel guilty about our behavior or our failures, we have to be careful not to push it off on someone else. This is called transference.

The dad who never won the state championship pushes his son to perform.
The preacher struggling with sexual sin preaches flaming messages on immorality, adultery, and sexual behaviors.
A husband shares with his wife how disgusted he is with someone else’s sexual exploits… all the while he holds on to his own secret behaviors.
You and your spouse have trouble with intimacy. You keep telling her that if she would get her act together, or act a certain way, then things would be fine. But you don’t consider that your lust and fantasy life are a part of the problem.

Each of these individuals has their own issues. They feel guilty for not matching up in the past, or for their failures. In their past there was a lack of approval, perfectionistic expectations, or sexual sin.

Pushing our guilt on others makes us feel better. We do it for different reasons.

Atonement – If they can hold the banner high, teach and preach about it then they will be OK and absolved of their failure.

Legacy – A person really believes they are helping others and passing on the right character traits and behaviors to the next person.

Leadership – They feel like it is their duty to train others and show a good example.

But really, they haven’t dealt with their own guilt. They may also still be engaged in their sinful behavior.

Transference is a way of ignoring our sin and minimizing it.

HELP WITH TRANSFERENCE

1. We have to be courageous and own up to our own sin

2. We have to repent of our sin – change course

3. Our past has wounded us, and we need to bring it out into the Light. Talk to someone about it.

4. We need to seek God’s healings from our wounds.

5. We need to be real and authentic with others and with ourselves. No hypocrites.

Look for ways that you are transferring your guilt on to someone else. The healthy people in sexual recovery are starting to figure this stuff out.

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Taking Off the Braces in Sexual Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on June 3, 2011

Last year at this time I was recovering from a knee injury. I was playing volleyball at the gym and my knee gave out when I turned on it. The diagnosis from the doctor was that I had some damage to my MCL (the inside joint around the knee) and possibly some damage to the meniscus (the inside joint connecting the leg bones).

Prescription: A knee brace, and some physical therapy exercises.

UPDATE ON THE KNEE
Yesterday, I went to the doctor to check the progress. I had been doing my exercises aggressively and being very careful with my walking. Everything is looking good. I can’t go back to volleyball for a while, but I can take my brace off and walk, job or run. I was so excited.

So today is my first day back at work without the brace! I’m glad I’m healing, but I’m still very fearful of turning wrong and causing injury again.

I want to borrow from this illustration and make some recovery applications.

WALKING WITHOUT A BRACE IN SEXUAL RECOVERY

1. We have injured ourselves with our sexual acting out – Our sexuality has been damaged. Our hearts have been darkened and turned to idolatry. We have damaged our intimacy. Our minds are poisoned with sexual images. Our lust and desires are on overdrive.

2. We have needed a brace to get well – Structure is so important in recovery. [Blog: The Importance of Structure] We need internal structure and external structure. We need to setup roadblocks and healthy relationships. We need to do things to fortify our hearts. A huge part of our recovery is getting out of isolation and learning to depend on other people. Generally, the more structure we can setup, the better.

3. Healing takes time – We need that brace on a lot longer than we think. We are really worse off than we think. We have to deal with the pain, do our exercises, and repeat. God knows the perfect amount of time it takes for us to heal thoroughly. If we take the brace off too soon, we slip and relapse.

4. We need skilled help – Counselors, pastors, sponsors, and other “broken world” people are important to our recovery. We need to hear their wisdom and mind it. We need to know how to walk through our mess and pick up the pieces. We need guidance when we are feeling different types of pain and having trouble walking right.

5. We need to take the brace off at the right time – We should not neglect our support structure. That’s guaranteed relapse. But at the right time, we can be trusted with certain things again: phone calls, purchases, time alone, computer time (still with accountability software on it), relationships, etc. If we have gained strength, proved trustworthy, and been consistent in our recovery, we can be allowed some new freedoms. We still have to be fearful, and aware of our steps. But if you are ready to take the brace off, you have already established a lot of healthy new habits.

One thing that’s extremely encouraging, is that there is a right time to take the brace off. You and I can get there. God wants us to grow healthy in our sexuality, then function within His boundaries. It is an incredibly freeing thing! If you are ready to walk without a brace, keeping one on can actually inhibit your recovery.

A FEW WORDS TO THOSE WITHOUT BRACES
Good for you, first of all. You have proven yourself trustworthy.

Check the Attitude – We can’t forget that we have crossed over lines in the past. It’s easier for us to cross them again in a relapse. We can’t loose focus. We have to remember where we’ve come from, and know we could end up there again if we’re not careful.

Check the Support – We also have to make sure we are don’t fall into neglect. Taking the brace off doesn’t mean you stop leaning on guys. A healthy person in recovery has learned to recognize triggers and temptations, pause, and go to other guys for help. You don’t need a babysitter anymore. But maturing people in recovery know when to pick up the phone and check-in.

WHAT IF WE HAVE TROUBLE?
This happens to many; we get out on our own and lose focus. We slip and fall and mess our knee up again.

Prescription: Renew your focus. Call the doctor. Put the brace back on. Ice the knee. Go back and get stronger.

COMMENTS? THOUGHTS?
porntopurity@gmail.com

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Exposing the Lies of Lust

by Jeff Fisher on January 6, 2011

Jonathan Daughtery, Director of Be Broken Ministries , posted this blog back on January 29, 2009. I felt it was a good one to pass along.

The devil isn’t creative, just persistent…

———-

I have come into contact with thousands of sex addicts over recent years. I myself was bound up in sexual addiction for 13 years. In all my interactions with the issue of sexual lust, I have come to realize one fundamental characteristic that is common to its nature: lies. There is never one moment in which lust tells you the truth. And it is this key insight that can actually help you break free from the chains of lust…for good.

I want to share with you some of the primary lies that your lust will tell you.

Lie #1: Lust will bring contentment

The bedrock of the lies of lust rests on the idea that God, and whatever he can offer, just isn’t enough. This is the lie that ultimately led to the original sin. When Satan tempted Eve in the garden, he planted the seed of doubt in her mind that God was actually good and all that she needed to be content. He enticed her mind to begin entertaining thoughts that God was withholding something from her that she needed. This seed of doubt traveled from her mind to her will, eventually appealing its case to her senses when she “saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye.” This captures the moment when lust was born in the heart of mankind.

This lust has burned in our sin nature from the very beginning of the fall. And the enemy has used this greatly to his advantage when it comes to sexual lust. Our sexual lust is aroused whenever it reaches the line dividing what God has said is right and pure for our minds and bodies and what sin demands in opposition. We hear the whispers of the father of lies telling us that God is restrictive in his requirements regarding our sexuality, and that the fruit of our lust will complete us and make us whole, fulfilling our truest, deepest desires. When we begin to spin these lies in our mind, it isn’t a far journey to looking and seeing that such forbidden fruit is “pleasing to the eye.”

Lust, however, only produces more discontent. Lust is perpetually dissatisfied. That is the nature of lust, constantly demanding more, promising that what is just outside your reach is what will ultimately satisfy. But each time you believe the lie, you are left craving more because you came up terribly empty. Lust never satisfies…never.

Lie #2: Lust will not hurt anyone

Harmless fun. This is what we are led to believe when we begin to listen to the lies of lust. Even as our discontent grows and the evidence mounts up that lust can’t give us what we need, we dive in deeper because we are certain that we aren’t hurting anyone. After all, what you do in the dark when no one is looking can’t possibly affect others, right? Wrong.

Pornography is the most common avenue by which this “lust-won’t-hurt-anyone” thinking derives. Millions of men (and women) each week gaze lustfully at the nude images portrayed through porn and quietly tell themselves, “I’m not hurting anyone. These are just pictures. It’s not like I’m actually having an affair or fornicating.”

Have you ever stopped for just a brief moment and given a thought about the women (or men) in the porn? That is somebody’s daughter or son. That is a REAL person being abused through the exploitation of the body God fashioned around their soul. They are made in the image of God and they are being hurt. Lust lies when it deceives you into thinking that it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Lie #3: Lust will enhance your sexual relationship

Welcome to 21st century broadcast television and the dysfunctional world of Hollywood! The sexual message espoused by the media and our culture is this: monogamous sex in marriage isn’t enough. And our flesh craves this lie of lust.

Countless couples, whether married or not, believe that bringing porn or some other sexually stimulating material into their bedroom will enhance their relationship. But the fundamentals of lust’s deception don’t change. Adding to God’s design will never cause improvement. The design God established for sex (one man with one woman in marriage) was designed perfectly. It cannot be enhanced, improved upon, or added to. Whenever we try to improve what God has already declared good, we most certainly have entered into the realm of deception and sin.

The sadness of this lie of lust is that it causes individuals to believe that sex is merely a physical act, devoid of true intimacy and attachment. But sex is more than a physical act. It is emotional, spiritual, and even a bit mysterious. God made it this way because sex was to be a picture of the depth of intimacy we could share in our relationship with him. It is deeply personal, uniquely vulnerable, and permanently bonding. To believe that sex is just bodies connecting is to miss the whole point. And that’s exactly what lust desires.

God, however, desires that we live free from the suffocating chains of our lust. He also provides the means by which we can live such a life of freedom. Jesus promised that after his resurrection and ascension into heaven that he would send a helper, his Holy Spirit, and that he would lead us into all truth. As a believer in Jesus, we have the Holy Spirit in us and therefore we have the power to live free from the lies of lust. We are even promised in Galatians 5:16 that as we “live by the Spirit… you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” As we grow in our dependence on God’s Holy Spirit to life his life through us, we are promised that lust will not dominate us.

With such a great promise given to us, we would do well to focus our attention on what it means to “live by the Spirit.” And thankfully, God doesn’t make that complicated for us. To live by the Spirit is to know Truth (i.e. Jesus) and follow him (John 8). Knowing truth comes by knowing the Word of God, the Bible, and interacting with him through prayer. Moment by moment we live connected to our Creator, through faith in Jesus, so that his life may live through us. This is living by the Spirit. And it is pure peace, comfort and joy!

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Is Pornography an Addiction?

by Jeff Fisher on July 13, 2010

Luke Gilkerson over at the Covenant Eyes blog “Breaking Free” had a great article a while back called “Is Porn Addiction an Accurate Term?” Luke asks some great questions to Dr. Kevin Skinner about the nature of pornography addiction.

Click HERE for the full article

HOW DO I KNOW I’M ADDICTED?
Reading this blog brought up some other questions many have about pornography addiction:

Q: How do I know I’m addicted?

On Episode 019 of the Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast, I talk about how to know if you’re addicted. I mention Mark Laaser’s 5 criteria for addiction.

1. REPETITIVE – Addictive behaviors happen on a regular basis. They may not happen everyday, but is your behavior something you keep coming back to over and over again. You could keep coming back to the same Internet clicking, the same channel, the same YouTube searching. It could be a relationship that you keep coming back to or a pattern of girls that you keep hooking up with. Repetitive.

2. DEGENERATIVE – An addictive behavior intensifies over time and gets worse. You need more of the behavior to satisfy you and to achieve the same effect. You need more for the same high, so you get deeper and your behavior becomes more risky. You degenerate.

3. UNMANAGEABLE – An addictive behavior is something you’re powerless against. It’s out of control. You want to quit, but you can’t. You quit 55 times and come back that 56th time. You keep doing the things you don’t want to do.

4. MEDICATIVE – We use addictive behaviors to alter our mood. Bring us up or bring us down. We use the behavior to escape pain or escape reality. We might be bored, so we act out. We can’t sleep, so we act out. We are lonely, so we act out. Maybe our life sucks so we go to our addictive behavior to make us feel better.

5. DESTRUCTIVE – We are seeing the consequences of this behavior in our life. Our work life suffers. Our marriage suffers. Our spiritual life suffers. We may get a disease. We may rack up thousands in credit card debt. Addictive behaviors always plunge us into destruction.

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The Highest Standard of Sexual Purity

June 8, 2010

Let me just say this and be bold: Our standards for sexual purity are not high enough. They are too low! STANDARDS WE NORMALLY SHOOT FOR: Behavior modification – stop an adulterous relationship; stop masturbating; stop going to porn shops; stop looking at Internet porn Being Better than the “other” person Maintaining our secret [...]

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Why Do We Have Edgy Days?

April 15, 2010

I recently had one of those “edgy” days. A day where every girl looks pretty to me. A day where I feel sexual, and I have a highened awareness of triggery things. A day when I’m thinking more with the “nether regions” of my body, rather than my brain. Ever get like that? There are [...]

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What Rock Music is Teaching Me About Sexual Addiction

April 9, 2010

A friend of mine in sexual addiction recovery mentioned the other day that it was “hard to think clearly with all the distortion” going on in his life. I was intrigued by that statement. DISTORTION IN ROCK MUSIC If you’re playing rock guitar, you don’t hook your guitar straight into the amplifier, you hook it [...]

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