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I recently had an email from a guy who was seeking freedom from his sexual sin but had a lot of fear about sharing with others.

I’m so glad he had the courage to write!

He mentioned that he has shared his struggles anonymously online and that I was the first “real person” he had emailed.

Here’s my response:

Thanks so much for writing.  I’m glad that you are beginning to share your story, even if it’s online & reaching out to me.  Those are important steps that still take courage.

Many of us who struggle with sexual sin are experts in isolation and secrecy.  We have far more experience disconnecting with others than we do connecting with others.  We have turned ourselves into loner-types and introverts.

CREATED FOR CONNECTIONS
I continued…

First, I don’t believe that this is God’s design for us.  He has created us for connections, relationship, and emotional intimacy with Himself and others.  Our heart yearns to connect with others.  To know others and to be known.  There are tons of “one another” scriptures in the Bible to support this.

It looks like you have an understanding of that.  That’s great.  There are many of us that say, ‘Well, I am who I am.  I’m a loner.  That’s how God designed me.”  That’s really a lie and not biblical.

The million dollar question is:  “So how do I get there?”

MY THOUGHTS ON HOW TO GET THERE

1.  Connecting with others is not going to feel comfortable for a while. -  It’s an awkward thing.  We will stumble around with it.  We are underdeveloped and immature relationally.  We need lots of practice.

2.  Face to face is the way to go – Online relationships foster false intimacy.  We can’t have to total experience of brotherhood unless we’re face to face.  So set your goals toward making face-to-face connections with other guys.

3.  We have to take risks to connect – I wish this wasn’t so, and I wish it was easier.  But you’ll have to reach out to other guys and share parts of your story.  You might start with your pastor, a counselor, a support group, or a close friend.  But you’ll have to take the initiative and then take a risk.  What’s the risk?  Rejection.  And that can paralyze us.  But I believe that God’s will is for you to have meaningful connections and that he will give you the courage you need to take the risks.

4.  We have to be very intentional and keep at it – Other guys are probably not going to naturally reach out to you.  They have the same problems too.  So you have to be intentional, and if one attempt doesn’t work, you try again, or you try with another guy.  Don’t give up after one attempt and say, ” Well, I tried that!”

5.  Some environments are safer than others – If you can start with a face-to-face with a minister or with a counselor, it’s a great way to go.  These are generally the safest places where confidentiality and safety are highly valued.  Start there if you can.

Another great place to start is a support group.  If you’re around other guys who struggle in the same way, that’s automatic acceptance and understanding.  Support groups also value safety and confidentiality.  They actually reward sharing and taking risks.

6.  Do you want to “plunge in” or “go gradually”? – The best place for a sexual struggler coming out of isolation to be is in a support group.  This is the “plunge in”.  Support groups provide and immediate opportunity.  They are focused, intense, and they already understand the value of connecting, building relationships, sharing our stories, and talking beneath the surface.

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I believe there are a lot of us that are very close to taking those first critical steps of reaching out and talking about our struggles.

Feel free to email me at jeff@porntopurity.com if you need a place to begin to share.  I will never share your information, your email, or your story with anyone.

If you need my wife, she can be reached at marsha@porntopurity.com.