Habits

Trumpet Lessons and Sexual Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on April 17, 2012

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trumpet

** I wanted to repost one of my favorite blogs for you. ~ Jeff

I took up trumpet in 8th grade.  I worked hard at it and did pretty well.  When I started taking private lessons, my level of playing changed.  With the help of my private lessons, I was able to develop my skills and gained confidence to try out in solo and state competitions.

My trumpet private lesson teacher taught me many lessons that apply to more than trumpet playing.  Here are several lessons that I think apply to sexual recovery too.

trumpet lesson

1.  You have to work on the BASICS to get better
Communication, friendships, reading, praying, honesty, transparency… these are all basics in recovery.  Work on them.  They are building blocks for a solid sexuality

2.  You need to make a COMMITMENT to practice
Recovery doesn’t happen overnight.  You dig out one shovel full at a time.  Many days are hard.  Many days will be better.  You may have to spend hours working on small things, but you can get them.  A commitment to purity and to your relationships has to be there.

3.  You need SOMEONE MORE EXPERIENCED to listen, diagnose, and help you
No person can do it on their own.  We have blind spots.  We need be hear from mentors, counselors and those who have been successful in their own recovery.

4. As you gain experience and skills, you will learn to SELF-CORRECT
Eventually, you will be able to do some things on your own.  You will gain strength and knowledge.  You will have boundaries and relationship set up that will help you in your purity.  As you get more experienced and successful in recovery, you will be able to diagnose yourself and turn to the right places for help.

maynard ferguson 5.  You need to be CONSISTENT with your homework and with coming to private lessons
Private lessons for the sexual addict are Group, accountability, and counseling meetings.  You’ve got to be an active part of one or all of these.  You’ve got to come consistently and be honest.  You’ve got to do the reading and the assignments, and whatever work is necessary to be well.

6.  If you want to be good, you will have to SACRIFICE a lot of things
Some things in your life need to go.  Old habits, old friends, certain types of movies & programs, ways of thinking.  Jesus told us to cut our hand off it causes us to stumble.  He means sacrifice and radical obedience.  Cut out the unhealthy things, so you can insert the healthy things.


WHAT DO YOU THINK?
What other lessons have your learned in life that have helped you stay pure?
What else could you compare recovery to?

Leave a blog comment or email us at porntopurity@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check our our podcast on I-Tunes – The Porn to Purity Podcast.

Why WE Can’t Stop Sexual Sin

by Jeff Fisher on September 27, 2011

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stop_it

I thought this would complement yesterday’s blog on Why We Can’t Stop? Be sure to check out the You Tube link – Bob Newhart’s classic “Stop It!” routine.

 

Don’t you wish we could just STOP doing our sexual sin?  If you’re like me, you’ve tried 1000 times to stop.  But we just keep coming back to that same behavior.  A string of attempts, and a bigger string of failures.  I try to control myself, but instead find my sin is controlling me.

This is how an addiction works.  This is also what bondage looks like.

I continue to realize that I cannot stop my sexual sin.  But it doesn’t mean that all is hopeless and that I’m trapped.

WE HAVE TOO MANY PROBLEMS
1.  Heart problem - It’s not the behavior, it’s our hearts.  Our hearts are selfish, conditioned, and driven by our lusts.  Our hearts want what is easy and makes us feel good.

2.  Sin Problem – Our core, apart from Christ, is sinful.  Our natural desire is to go the wrong way.  Our sin nature controls us.

3.  Chemical Problem – Addiction feeds off the chemical highs.  We have caused the chemicals in our brains to go crazy when we look at porn, fantasize, masturbate and have sex.  Our brains crave more and more.

4.  Learned Behavior Problem – We have conditioned ourselves to act out in unhealthy ways.  And we’ve probably been doing it for decades.  The paths of sexual behavior are “well worn” paths.  It makes charting new paths extremely difficult.

5.  Emotional Problem – We have emotional needs and hurts that we are trying to medicate with lust, masturbation, and porn.  They are an undercurrent that feeds our addiction.

A FOUR-PART SOLUTION
If we are to be freed from sexual sin, we must open give up our efforts to try and fix ourselves.  We must surrender to God’s help and the help of others.

question-mark1.  God - God is the only one who can get down into our hearts and work on the deep stuff is Christ.

2.  Support Group - A healthy support group is not just an addiction group.  It could be a combination of your family, your friends, your wife, or your pastor.  These are your cheerleaders, your encouragers.

3.  Wise People - Different from our support group, these are the people that can give us the insight we need about ourselves to work on the deeper stuff.  They can help identify blindspots and weaknesses.

4.  My Part - We do have a part, it’s just different.  It involves surrender to God, submission to others, and a commitment to the process.  These must all be done on a daily basis.


BobNewhartBOB NEWHART’S “STOP IT” ROUTINE
Here’s a great comedy bit that Bob Newhart did called “Stop It!”  Enjoy a good laugh today:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=PlayList&p=6B68C3EC0F5CF992&index=0

How to Work on Your Fantasy Life – Part 2

by Jeff Fisher on July 22, 2011

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fantasy1Yesterday, we offered 7 tips to help you deal with your fantasy life, today we offer 7 more things that have been very helpful for Jeff and for many others.

Having a pure mind can seem like an impossible thing. But God can help you get there. Set your standard high. Engage His help in developing a pure mind.

The basics have to do with cutting off the flow, embracing God, and embracing reality.

8. WHAT PAIN / NEEDS ARE YOU COVERING UP? – Engaging in fantasy is a way to medicate pain.  It is a way to entertain ourselves, prevent boredom, escape.  This is the undercurrent.  What’s going on underneath the surface that you are in need of.  You’ll be surprised how much of an eye-opener it is when you discover your needs and hurts.

hypnotized9. EMBRACE REALITY – Fantasy is based on a lie.  It is an imagination, a distortion of reality in a sexual way.  Turning away from fantasy means embracing the real.  That’s why this process can be so difficult.  Many times our reality is sad to us and hurtful.  The fantasy life is so much more appealing than our real life.  But we have to move back in the reality direction.

10. CULTIVATE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS – People who have excessive fantasy often isolate themselves from healthy relationships.  If they have relationships, they are often shallow.  Work on spending time with people.  Talking about each others lives.  A counselor may be able to help you with this step also.

11.  TALK ABOUT IT WITH SOMEONE IN RECOVERY – The fantasy life is often done in secret.  It needs to be brought out into the light with someone safe.  Talk to a counselor, a support group, a minister, or a trusted friend about your fantasy life.  The more specific you are able to get, the more helpful it will be to your healing.

Undercurrent12.  REPLACE THE LUST FLOW WITH THE LOVE FLOW – Sexual fantasies are pure lust.  They are selfish to the core.  Start thinking of ways you can help others.  Show love to others by serving them, doing nice things for them, caring, being selfless.

13.  TIME ALONE IS A KILLER – A hotbed for fantasy right here!  Spend more time with people and in public places.

14.  BOREDOM IS A KILLER –Fill up your schedule with productive things.  Stay busy.  Find new avenues to stimulate your passions, creativity and energy.

 

WHAT OTHER TIPS WOULD YOU GIVE?
Q:  What other things have helped you with your fantasy life?

Sound off!  It could be really helpful to lots of guys and girls.

Leave a comment on the blog or email us at porntopurity@gmail.com

How to Work on Your Fantasy Life – Part 1

by Jeff Fisher on July 21, 2011

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night-fantasy-artToday and tomorrow we want to share 14 tips to help you deal with your fantasy life.

So many who are trying to be sexually pure struggle in their fantasy life. It is easier to deal with outward behaviors – much harder to work on the inward behaviors. The fantasy life is a challenging area for most people, and one of those major recovery milestones. The wild mind has developed over time, and take some work to purify. But we believe it can be done. We have met many who have been able to have purer (not perfect) thought lives. With God’s help, the mind can be used for pure things.

The basics have to do with cutting off the flow, embracing God, and embracing reality. Here are the first 7 tips to consider:

1.  UNDERSTANDING THE ROOTS OF YOUR FANTASY WORLD – It’s normal for a child and adolescent to explore make-believe and fantasy.  It’s normal to have dreams.  But at some point, the imaginations took a sexual turn.  Try to figure out where your fantasy life started going off the deep end.

Also, look at your unmet needs during your adolescence, college-age, and into adulthood.  What needs did you have that you began to try and meet with your fantasies?

bible2.  FILL YOUR MIND WITH GOD’S WORD – Since fantasy is an outflow of the heart and the mind, we need something strong to push the bad stuff out.  God’s Word is living and powerful.  His Word invites His Spirit and presence to work on our hearts and minds.  Plus, God’s Word is a “good source”.  It’s healthy and a great place to be in battling fantasy.

3.  MEMORIZE PURITY VERSES – Start reading God’s Word and when you get to verses that talk about purity, write them down and memorize them.  Go to Romans chapter 6, 7, or 8.  Go to Proverbs 5 & 7.  Go to Ephesians 5.  Those are good places to get some great verses to put in your mind.  Get into God’s Word and get God’s Word into you.

4.  PRAY AND SURRENDER – Surrender your mind to God and your fantasies.  Specifically name the ones that are giving you the most problems.  Admit that you are powerless and invite God to help you.

raging_river5.  CUT OFF THE FLOW – Garbage in, garbage out – right?  Cut out the things you can control:  the TV shows, Internet, magazines, relationships.  This will help with being bombarded with sexual images.

6.  START A HEALTHY FLOW – Get the garbage out… now put some good stuff in.  Fill your mind and heart with healthy reading and shows.  It seems so simple, but it really works!

7.  WRITE DOWN THE LIES THAT FANTASY TELLS YOU – I didn’t say write out your fantasies, but think about the lies that you are imagining with your fantasies.  Fantasies are not real.  They are based our our own lusts and desires.  They are things that we would like to happen.

In fantasy, you pretend to be someone you are not.  And you pretend that the other person is something that they are not.  You also pretend that the world is something that it is not.  Do some disection of this and it will be a great benefit to you.

 

 

Tomorrow, we will share 7 more tips to help you. CLICK HERE FOR THE POST

Leave a comment about this blog or email us at porntopurity@gmail.com

God, I Don’t Want to Give This Up!

by Jeff Fisher on June 20, 2011

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** I got the thought for this blog after listening to a sermon called “Heart Surrender” from the Pure Life Ministries website (www.purelifeministries.org).

 

mexican-wrestling-91There are several times during recovery, that I had to give something up. In order for me to go to the next level, something had to go. And I could not grow anymore until that “something” was gone.

That something was usually a habit, like masturbation or flipping through the Sunday newspaper ads. Other times it was some form of entertainment that I really enjoyed…freely surfing the Internet, renting whatever movies I wanted to, or even flipping through magazines on the rack. Other times it was more sophisticated things like a lie I’ve believed or a way of thinking. But I’m thinking primarily now of my habits, behaviors and ways I entertained myself.

It’s amazing how much I fought against these things, and still fight them today. Even though I knew these behaviors were wrong, or agreed with my accountability partner about giving them up, I fought them.

I also had this strong feeling that they were my “freedoms”. I have the right to do whatever I want. This is my life. I can do whatever I want. Nobody can tell me what to do. Aren’t these my liberties, even in Christ? Having to give something up that is my “right” makes me REALLY ANGRY. I feel like God is TAKING MY THINGS away!

In my reflections today, I am asking myself three questions:

1. Are these really freedoms? – Sounds more like bondage to me. I think something like the Internet is a freedom for me, but I can’t seem to be able to give it up. I am addicted to it. I really am co-dependent to this form of entertainment. Is that freedom or bondage?

2. Are they really “my” things? – Very simply, “yes” they are. They often are my things, and not God’s. I can be so deceived to think that something I like so much is part of God’s blessing in my life. Vegging in front of my Hi Def TV watching movies. Getting lost in my I-Pod. Hanging out with my friends, wherever I want. But too often, God’s not having much to do with this choice. My choices are guided by me and my buddy, “Mr. Flesh”.

3. Do you believe God has something better in mind for you? – If I’m supposed to give something up, it’s got to mean that God has something better for me. Sometimes it’s a better devotion or routine. Other times it’s trading wrong for right. NOW, it really becomes a question of faith. Do I trust that God is going to make my life better? Do I trust that God’s way is the best? Or do I just believe that God is a “Cosmic Kill-Joy”, out to make my life less fun?

God, help me to trust that You have my best in mind when I need to give something up.

Strategies to Protect Your Computer and Yourself From Internet Porn

January 24, 2011

Protecting your computer and yourself from porn is easy to do with some basic steps.

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How to Deal With Fetishes

June 17, 2010

The word “fetish” comes loaded, doesn’t it?  Yet there are many guys and girls that deal struggle with them in their sexual recovery.  WHAT IS A FETISH? A fetish develops when something tangible becomes sexualized and is used for arousal and sexual purposes.  Fetishes can develop around objects, routines, body parts, articles of clothing, certain types of [...]

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6 Keys to Breaking Habitual Sins

February 12, 2010

On Wednesday’s blog, I talked about “Why We Continue to Struggle With Certain Sins?”  Habitual sins.  These are the sins we can’t seem to shake and we are in bondage to.  Today, I want to share 6 keys to breaking habitual sin.  1.  BROKENNESS A person knows he is broken when he comes to the [...]

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Why Do We Continue to Struggle With Certain Sins?

February 10, 2010

Many of us keep falling back into the same sins over and over again.  It might be a sexual relationship, Internet pornography, TV shows, or masturbation.  We try to stop our behaviors, but we keep coming back again and again.  We are hooked.  We regularly cross God’s boundaries for sexual purity.  What we’re talking about [...]

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A Strategy For Recovery: Build a Good Offense

January 21, 2010

You’re not going anywhere in your sexual addiction recovery without a good offense.

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How to Guarantee a Sexual Relapse

December 2, 2009

Anonymity = Guaranteed Relapse

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