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Top Tip 021 – 6 Breakthroughs in My Sexual Addiction Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on April 9, 2012

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What major breakthroughs are you experiencing in your sexual addiction recovery?

A new blogger friend recently asked me “How long had you been in your recovery before you started helping others?”

Marsha and I were in the Crisis Stage of sexual addiction recovery for about 6 months.  Once we left Buffalo, NY and came to Raleigh, NC we entered a major phase of pain, discovery and healing.  We spent a lot of time and money on our recovery.  We both started attending counseling and found support groups.

It would have been foolish for us to start a website in the middle of our crisis or in the middle of the emotional rollercoaster we were going through.

God brought at least six major breakthroughs in our lives before we were able to start our website, blog & podcasts.

Notice that only one of these breakthroughs has to do with my behavior.  Most of them are on an emotional, relational, spiritual level.

1.  UNDERSTANDING THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS
A key part of my recovery happened when I started to see the consequences of my actions and could see the affect it had on others.  I could see myself through other people’s eyes.  I imagined what it would have been like in their shoes.

  • What my wife experienced.
  • The pastors who intervened in my life, what was it like for them?
  • Our church plant, what was it like to loose their pastor suddenly?
  • Our families, what did they experience?
  • My kids, even though they didn’t know the details, their lives were being disrupted.  It cost them.
  • The financial burden I placed on my family with the move and with the counseling hours.
  • What my denominational office felt when they learned that one of their church planters had fallen into bondage to sexual sin.
  • What did our neighborhood feel when they learned that I had quickly moved away and our church was pastorless?

2.  HEALING FROM MY ANGER AND SEXUAL BONDS
It’s amazing how much anger I had toward God, my wife, myself, my pastor friends… over getting found out.

I had a lot of anger in the past toward my dad, and people that had hurt me.

I still had emotional bonds with old girfriends, crushes, or images on the computer that needed God’s touch.

I spent a lot of time in journaling and in the counseling office to work on these things.  I still have to work through patches of resentment & emotional bonding.

3.  MARSHA’S DEPRESSION / MY ABSTINENCE
About a year into our recovery, Marsha had an emotional breakdown.  Too many struggles built up and she fell into a time of depression.  She took 6 weeks of unpaid leave from work to “catch her breath” emotionally and seek God’s healing.  Her counselor recommended that I abstain from sex with her for the 6 weeks.  That was an important time of healing for me, leaning on the Lord, and serving my wife even deeper.

4.  CONSISTENT SOBRIETY
Building a track record of sobriety was important.  Every day and month of freedom from pornography and masturbation built my strength and dependence on the Lord.  It’s not that I didn’t have slips occasionally, but they were rare.  I was experiencing the effects of  a good defense and a good support system.

5.  LEADERSHIP AND VISION PASSED BACK ON ME
When I went into recovery the mantle of leadership shifted over to Marsha.  I was in shock.  I was confused.  I did not have a vision for our family and could not lead.  During the abstinence time I felt the Spirit of God come back on me.  I could lead.  I had a vision for our family.  I knew how to make decisions.  I knew what we needed to do next.  What a glorious experience that was!

6.  MARSHA AND I STARTED SEEING THE NEEDS OF OTHER STRUGGLERS
Our website developed out of our own brokenness, healing, & needs.  When we went into recovery, nobody gave us the needed resources.  Marsha started scouring the web (as many wives do) for resources, and we started finding a lot.  I found a lot of recovery podcasts on I-Tunes and we started bookmarking them.  We felt like there was a need for a central site to share resources.  Additionally, we thought we could share our story so people wouldn’t feel alone.  The blog developed out of my journalings and note taking.  I just wanted to share what I was learning.

The podcast was the same way.  We saw a need for something like Porn to Purity Podcast and Top Tips.  God allowed us to create the something we needed.

—

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Magazines: I Still Feel the Pull

by Jeff Fisher on April 5, 2012

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On Tuesday’s blog I shared about a big set of triggers for me:  magazines, catalogs and newspaper circulars.  Setting up boundaries, a strategy, and accountability has helped me a lot, but it hasn’t removed the “pull” I sometimes feel when I get around magazines.

I wanted to explore that some more.  I welcome your comments and thoughts:  jeff@porntopurity.com

I STILL STRUGGLE
I have 30+ years of practice flipping through magazines.  It’s a tough ritual to break.  It can be challenging in book stores and grocery stores.  I can still feel the pull.

This week I was our local grocery store.  I saw the magazines in the check out line.  I didn’t touch them, pick them up, or flip through.  And I still felt a pull.  I wanted to look.  I wanted to flip through.

I have to say “No” and keep moving.  It’s hard to avoid these triggers.  I can’t very easily grocery shop without walking by magazines.  But I have to be on guard and not lower my boundaries and personal strategy.

THE NEED BEHIND THE PULL
I’m reminded as I write that anytime I feel a pull to act out with magazines, there’s something behind that.  I have some sort of need in my heart that makes me want to go there.  It might be that I’m still breaking away from the ritual of flipping through magazines – it does have a long history.  But there’s usually some emotional need.

When I was triggered the other day I remembered that I was tired, going to the grocery store late, and needed some personal connections.  Anytime I’m tired, I’m more vulnerable.  Anytime I’m stressed, I’m vulnerable.  Anytime I’m in need to relational closeness, I’m vulnerable.

And at my deepest level, my heart is crying out for God.  My pull is a hole or wound in my heart that needs the living, healing, fulfilling waters of God.

REMEMBERING SOME TRUTHS
It’s easy to believe a host of lies about magazines:

  • They’re harmless
  • It won’t hurt to look
  • You just want to look for articles, recipes, or whatever
  • I can flip past anything that’s a problem
  • It’s not the same as masturbating or looking at porn on the computer.  Not a big deal.
  • It’s not my fault they got left around the house.
  • I’ll just look for a second

It helps me be reminded of some truths about magazines.

Magazines were a quick way for me to feed my needs in an unhealthy way.  Magazines are easy & accessible.  They offer a quick and sometimes intense blast of visual stimulation.  They open the doorway to fantasy and lust.

Magazines have been a ritual for me.  I have a very intimate, long-term relationship with magazines.  I’m emotionally tied to having magazines.  It’s not easy to break from.

Magazines were not pornographic, so I didn’t view them as bad.  But they are bad.  I take the pictures from magazines and go in directions that are not glorifying to God.

Magazines pictures and models are not personal.  They make it easy for me to objectify women.  They keep me in a mode of dehumanizing women.  I don’t know these women.  I don’t know their stories, their faults, their struggles, their hurts, their families.  I imagine they are there to please me.  But this is not reality.  I am easily drawn into the fantasy world with magazines.  I do not see these women as created in the image of God and real people.

I’m 4 years into my sexual addiction recovery and this Pull has gotten better.  But it’s a struggle I have to continue to be diligent about.  Flipping through magazines has a strong gravitational pull for me.

It’s best if I keep a large distance.

Feedback: jeff@porntopurity.com

Tough Triggers: Magazines, Catalogs and Circulars

by Jeff Fisher on April 3, 2012

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Magazines, catalogs and the newspaper circulars can be big triggers for me.

It all started when I was young.  We had magazines all around our house growing up.

MAGAZINES IN THE BATHROOM
My parents would keep magazines and catalogs in the bathrooms.  It was natural for me to flip through and look at pictures.  At some point the women of Good Housekeeping, Family Circle, and the women’s catalogs started looking pretty to me.

I would stare, fantasize, and act out sexually with them.

AROUND THE HOUSE
We didn’t have anything pornographic around our house.  There were no Playboys to be found in secret places (believe me, I checked).  Most of the magazines I looked through were very soft.  But the women in these magazines were pretty & sophisticated.  I would also get excited about the lingerie and pantyhose ads.  They became triggery for me.

THE J.C. PENNY CATALOG
Worst for me was the catalogs we had:  J.C. Penny, Sears, & Mongomery Ward.  Not only did they have tons of pictures of pretty women, but they had many lingerie and undergarment shots.  These catalogs were probably the biggest contributor to my objectifying women, building a deep fantasy life, and struggling sexually.

THE SUNDAY CIRCULARS
The Sunday ritual around our house was to look at the paper during breakfast.  The parents would read the paper and my brother and I would grab the adds.  At first we were looking for toys, but on the way to the toys were more pictures of pretty models & lingerie.

It wasn’t long before looking at these women became a fixed part of my Sunday routine.

These rituals followed me well into my marriage.  Magazines around the house, in the bathroom, catalogs, and the Sunday Circulars.

WORKING WITH MY WIFE
An important part of my journey toward sexual purity was me sharing these rituals with my wife.  I had to tell her about my struggles in the past and present struggles around the house.

We didn’t have anything strong around our house. Nothing pornographic.  But I was acting out sexually with soft magazines.  They were triggery to me.  I had a ritual of reading magazines in the bathroom.  These things weren’t healthy.

I didn’t want to share these with my wife at first.  I was embarrassed, but I also liked the rituals.  I liked looking at magazines.  I liked looking at pretty women.  But there was no doubt it had affected me and was causing me to be impure.

These triggers had to go.  I came up with a strategy that I share with Marsha.

OUR STRATEGY

  • We got rid of any magazines, catalogs, books & papers that were triggery.
  • Boundary:  I don’t flip through any magazines when they come in the mail.
  • Marsha sifts through any magazines and rips out sexy ads before they lie around the house.
  • If I intercept a sexy catalog comes in the mail, I immediately throw it away on the way back into the house and tell Marsha about it.  Or I give it to her to deal with.
  • Marsha sifts through the Sunday circulars first.
  • Marsha will keep any other magazines that she likes in her car away from me.
  • We communicate about any other issues.

THURSDAY’S BLOG
On Thursday’s Porn to Purity blog, I’m going to continue talking about my present battle with this trigger.  I still feel a pull to act out when I am confronted with magazines.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  And ocassionally the pull is strong.  I want to explore this on my next blog.

FEEDBACK
1.  Leave a comment
2.  Email me privately at jeff@porntopurity.com
3.  Twitter:  @porntopurity

Top Tip 014 – Where is the Sexual Purity Line?

by Jeff Fisher on March 9, 2012

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I’m exploring some deeper issues that I’ve had about sexual purity.  As a teenager, I wanted to be pure and wanted to be dedicated to God.  How did I go from genuine commitment to sexual addiction?  I know one of the big questions for me was about the line in sexual purity.

Do you ever wonder where the line is for sexual purity?  If you’re a single person and dating, what’s OK to do with your boyfriend or girlfriend?

Kissing? Petting? Oral Sex?
Touching?  Rubbing?
Masturbation?
Fantasizing about each other?

Teenagers, college students, and single adults wonder.

Is the “line” penetration, but everything else goes?  Maybe the line is anything beyond kissing?  But who tells you where the line is?  Who sets the standard?  How do you know?

WHAT’S THE MOTIVE BEHIND THE QUESTION?
If you’re asking this question, it might be good to check your motivation. Are you trying to stay clear and stay pure, or are you trying to get as close to the line as possible?  Do you really want to get as much sexual stimulation as possible without crossing some physical boundary?

Sometimes the question is:  “What’s acceptable behavior?”
Many times the question is:  ”What can I get away with?”

My sexual desires and growing hormones wanted to get away with whatever I could.  But I had a sense of boundaries that came from the Bible and from others telling me to keep it in my pants, and to keep my hands to myself.

The Line According to Others – To our friends, parents, and mentors, “the line” means different things.  If we had a liberal upbringing, we were probably told to wear a condom and use birth control, in other words, have safe sex and responsible sex.  If we had a conservative background, we might have been counseled to abstain from sex and stay away from touching and taking clothes off.

The Line According to the Bible – To me the counsel of the Bible had to do with abstaining from sex, and not committing adultery after marriage.  There were instructions about immorality, but I wasn’t sure about things like masturbation.  I had some sense of lines, but was confused about others.

I believe Ephesians 5:3 has helped me the most to see the line more clearly defined:  “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

Not even a hint of sexual immorality.  That’s nowhere near safe sex or just keeping it in your pants.  “Not even a hint” includes anything sexual.  God takes our sexual purity that seriously.  God doesn’t want me to be overcome by lust and turn to masturbation and fantasy for stimulation.  He doesn’t want me to push my girlfriend as far as we can take it without penetration.  “Not even a hint” pulls the line back into what I think is a God dimension.  I need God’s divine help and power to get there.

THE NEED TO TEACH A HIGHER LINE
I don’t know if many of my ministers and mentors talked about this high line for sexual purity.  I don’t remember ever hearing anything about masturbation.  It was abstinence values and dating advice.

I wish that the people who had influence over my sexual development would have addressed this better.

I hope that when we teach sexual purity today that we talk about more.  I hope we talk about the need for purity of heart and of the body.

I hope that the standard that you are setting for your own sexual purity is high enough.

1.0 -  Making a Commitment to Sexual Purity
2.0 - Why Your Commitment to Abstinence Might Not Be Enough
3.0 - Where’s the Sexual Purity Line?

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

Feeling Entitled: You Owe Me!

by Jeff Fisher on November 22, 2011

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I have the right to look at porn.

My spouse owes me some sex.

I can use the computer whenever I want.  It doesn’t matter what I look at.

I need to masturbate to meet my sexual needs.

I can watch any movie I want to.

My spouse doesn’t meet my needs, so it’s OK to have this relationship.

These are all statements of entitlement.  Entitlement is a wicked place to be.  Entitlement is one of those dangerous things that can creep into our sexual recovery process.

When you feel entitled, you feel like you deserve something.  You feel like you have I coming.  You feel like someone owes it to you, or you owe it to yourself.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

FRUSTRATION AND STRUGGLE LEAD TO ENTITLEMENT
You may be frustrated that your sexual needs are not getting met.  You may be mad at God for making you a certain way.  Maybe you are mad at your spouse because she won’t have sex with you more or fulfill your fantasies.  It’s not long before you will feel entitled.

You may be working on your sexual recovery and hit a lot of frustrations and struggles.  It’s easy to slip into feeling entitled to act out just because your life is hard.  You talk yourself into thinking that you deserve to do something sexual and ungodly.

SOME THINGS WE’VE GOT TO REMEMBER

Our bodies are no our own – they belong to God and our spouses first, then ourselves.

Entitlement is selfish, not serving – Look back on those statements of entitlement.  They are self-centered.  They are prideful.  They are not characteristic of God’s direction.

Consider the Big Picture – Struggles are a part of our growth.  If things are difficult in our relationships, we have to do the hard work to make them work.  God is making us into something bigger and better and purer.  It’s a challenging road sometimes.

Consider the Lord’s Will – God will never direct you to do something that goes against His will, is selfish or immoral, or devalues women.  That’s not God speaking, its you.  We may feel strongly about doing something sexual or demanding, but that is coming from ourselves and our lust.

Entitlement doubts the Lord’s provision – God has promised to give us our “daily bread”.  Everything we need for today.  When we take matters into our own hands, we deny Him the opportunity to provide.  We also communicate that we don’t trust Him to provide or help us.  God is strong and can help us through any struggle or frustration.

Church Leaders Who Struggle – Do I Share My Struggles With My Former Church?

October 28, 2011

I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography. I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed [...]

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Church Leaders Who Struggle: Whom Do I Talk to First? How Do I Share?

October 17, 2011

I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography. I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed [...]

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Church Leaders Who Struggle: Let’s Talk About Our Fears

October 11, 2011

I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography. I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed [...]

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Church Leaders Who Struggle: Let’s Talk About Authenticity

October 4, 2011

I am a minister who struggles with sexual sin. I used to hide and lie.  God brought my sins into the open and has been helping me for the last 4 years to find deliverance, freedom and pornography. I know he can do the same for you ministers and church leaders.  This series is designed [...]

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Why WE Can’t Stop Sexual Sin

September 27, 2011

I continue to realize that I cannot stop my sexual sin. But it doesn’t mean that all is hopeless and that I’m trapped. Also included: a funny routine by Bob Newhart.

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Article: Porn the Drug That Shrinks the Soul

May 18, 2011

Rick Thomas of Competent Counseling wrote an article called “Porn the Drug that Shrinks the Soul”. Highlights of the Article: Over 50% of evangelical pastors admitted to viewing porn last year. More than 70% of men from the age of 18 to 34 visit a pornography site each month. Nine out of ten children from [...]

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