sexual addiction recovery

Ninja Tactics For Sexual Purity

by Jeff Fisher on May 23, 2012

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** This was a really fun post to write.  I thought I’d share it again with you.  – Jeff

Recently I got hooked watching a show on one of our satellite channels called  Ninja Warrior.  It’s a Japanese show where 100 men and women compete in incredible physical challenges that a ninja might have to endure.  Sounds cool, huh?  Very manly!  The challenges require incredible strength, agility, stamina, quickness and accuracy.

Ninjas of old exemplify many admirable traits that we can apply to our sexual addiction recovery, and two traits that can get you killed in recovery.

NINJA TRAITS WE CAN LEARN FROM

Discipline
Sexual strugglers have long histories of doing whatever we want to and pursuing whatever we desire.  We have to cut away from that in a radical way.  We need to strengthen our self-discipline muscles.  We need to learn to say “no” and deny ourselves.  We need to learn to set up new boundaries and stay within them.  We need to be disciplined to pursue God and others in our recovery.

Skilled With Many Weapons
We need to learn to work on our addiction in many different directions.  Building offensive and defensive strategies is critical.  Setting up road blocks.  Learning the value of prayer and the word of God in a struggle.  Learning the power of skilled hands and accountability in the face of battle.

Endurance
Endurance is a derivative of discipline.  We have to learn to hang in there long-term.  It took us a long time to get where we are, it will take time to pull away from our old way of living and develop a new one.

The person who endures has weathered many struggles.  He has gone through a lot of pain and persevered.  Those who are doing well in recovery continue to stay engaged in the battle and keep doing the things that they’ve learned during the process.

Aware of His Surroundings
Part of our recovery process is being able to identify situations that are trigger and designing strategies to help.  As you grow in your recovery, you are becoming proactive rather than reactive.  You start anticipating problems.  You are learning the things to do when you are alone, on a business trip, or at the beach.

Centered and Balanced
Recovery is also learning as much as we can about ourselves, what has made us who we are, and what causes us to react the way we do to sexual stimuli.  We take sexual inventories.  We learn all we can about our past, hurts, wounds, and our unmet expectations.

We cultivate an intimate relationship with God.  We learn to surrender ourselves to Him, be centered in Him, and live for His glory.

The person learns the importance of reflection and meditation.

Respect For Teachers
A person doesn’t get good at sexual addiction recovery alone.  He needs a whole support team to help him through the journey.  The smart person in recovery seeks out wise and experienced people.  He’s not afraid to ask for help from sponsors, mentors, pastors, counselors, or his own spouse.  In fact, he actively seeks the wisdom of others.

A wise person in recovery learns to talk less and listen more.

TWO NINJA TRAITS THAT WILL KILL YOUR RECOVERY

Stealth
Secrecy is a killer to sexual purity.  It doesn’t take long to become a master at hiding yourself from others, even your accountability partners.   Sexual addiction thrives in hidden, dark environments.  We have to walk in the Light.  We have to be seen and be known by other men.  We have to be very intentional and build new patterns of exposing ourselves.

Silence
When you  go quiet and don’t talk about your sexual struggles with someone else, you are in danger.  We have to get in the habit and stay in the habit of breaking the silence.  Talking about our temptations, triggers, struggles, and slips is a key component to freedom from sexual sin.  There is power that comes from speaking out your struggles.  It’s part of walking in the Light.  Keeping quiet will only give power to the bondage sin has over you.

When it comes to my sexual purity I want to be a ninja  – strong, disciplined and skilled.

Listening – Critical to Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on May 7, 2012

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The quicker you learn the importance of listening, the better off you’ll be in your sexual purity.

If you are seeking to be sexually pure, or recovering from sexual sin you’re not going to learn anything if you do all the talking.

 

 

THE “ALL ABOUT ME” PHASE
When a person comes into recovery, the pain is real.  They are at their end.  Parts of their life may have fallen apart.  Secret behaviors were discovered.  They are in a lot of pain, and probably haven’t talked to many people about it.

People in pain want to talk about their pain.  They don’t know anything else.  They know they are hurting and miserable and have to work it out.

They are generally not in a “listening mode”.

The job of the friend, counselor, or support group is to listen and let him vent.  They need to be supportive and loving and not try to offer stacks of advice.

THE “I’VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT” PHASE
Even worse than the “all about me” phase is when a person thinks he has all the answers.  More talking ensues.  He has his problems figured out.  He has all the answers.  Everything will be fine.  His weeks are always good with no struggles.

Sometimes this happens when a person starts getting a little bit of knowledge about his sexual recovery.  Maybe he reads a book that turns some lights on.  Maybe he shares the truth for the first time and feels freed.  It’s good to be here, but a person is probably still talking too much.

When we think we’ve got it all figured out, we don’t listen to the wisdom of others.

THE “WHAT NOW?” PHASE
When a person stops talking, and starts listening, it’s a glorious thing!  It might happen after a relapse or failure.  It might happen during a withdrawal phase, or grief phase.  There may be a consequence that knocks him off his pedestal to get him to the point of not knowing what to do.

At some point, a person in recovery starts saying, “I don’t have thquestion-marke answers.  I don’t know what to do.  What now?”

This person is ready.  Ready to hear others stories and wisdom.  Ready to listen to the Holy Spirit and to the guidance of God’s Word.  We listen best when we run out of solutions.  When we run out of ourselves.

SOME ADVICE FROM JEFF
I was in this phase for about 8 months.  It was all about me and my consequences.  I had a lot of loss in my life and it made my grief phase difficult.  My situation changed only as I started to listen to others.

So puke it out early.  Share.  Dump out your story.  You need to talk about it.  Then shut your lips for a while and listen to others.  They have a lot to say.

jeff@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Top Tip 005 – Close The Loopholes

by Jeff Fisher on January 19, 2012

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We have to close the loopholes in our sexual purity strategy.  Can’t be any holes that we know about.

None of us are going to have a perfect strategy.  We can’t see everything or anticipate everything.  Others around us who are involved with us, even they can’t catch everything.  We can’t intercept all of the temptations and triggers.  There are some that we haven’t even thought about.  There are triggers internal and external that we haven’t anticipated yet.  Plus there are new people that come into our life, and new places we will go – THIS YEAR that we will have to plan for.  Our strategies are going to change.

For sure we’re going to have problems if there are loopholes in our current purity strategy.  Where are the gaps?  Find the gaps and close the loopholes in your strategy?

First, some examples of loopholes…

Computer Gaps
No filter on my computer.  No accountability software.  My computer is hidden.  I have a password, but I know how to get around it.  Know how to clearn the cache, history.  My wife doesn’t look at the history bar even though I told her she can look at any time.

Are there any known loopholes in your computer strategy?

Phones / Wireless Devices
It’s the same thing for our Smart Phones, Tablets, and I-Pod devices.  How easy is it for you to go searching or download content that is trigger?

Movies / DVDs / Magazines
Are there movies that trip you up at a weak moment of vulnerability.  When you get vulnerable is there stuff that you can go to immediately.  That’s a loophole in your strategy.

We can go past our boundaries at any time.  No matter how good your strategy is you can sin if you want.  If we have a good strategy in place it creates good distance between you and acting out.  It puts more hoops for you to jump through.  Makes it harder for you to act out because you have layers, accountability, protection.

Relationships With the Opposite Sex, including those at work
Who are you hanging out with?  Are you pushing the boundaries with women or guys?  What about that girl at work?  Do you have some boundaries drawn up, or are you flirting around?  Do you go out to lunch with a person of the opposite sex by yourself?  Do you flirt around with a married man?

Travel
This is one of the most unguarded times for us in our sexual struggles.  We don’t have accountability.  We are away from our normal settings.  We are alone.  We are bored in a hotel room in a foreign city.  That’s a recipe for disaster.


Again, you can’t predict ever scenario, but are you trying to close the loopholes as they come up?  Are you taking aggressive measures to preserve your purity and swim in the right lane?

START WORKING ON A STRATEGY
The first thing you might need to do is get a purity strategy.  Maybe you don’t have one yet.  You have to put a purity plan together.

I have a lot of favorite podcasts.  Ones that are definitely in my top 10 are:

Build a Good Defense – Top Tips, Season 1, Episode 41

Build a Good Offense – Top Tips, Season 1, Episode 42

Those podcast go into greater detail about developing your purity strategy.  Go check them out.  But briefly…

Defensive – roadblocks, what defense line do I have set up between me and acting out?  What roadblocks do I have to jump over in order to act out.

Offensive strategy – healthy behaviors that you are cultivating.  Me building my relationship with my wife, counseling, marriage conference, meaningful conversations, non-sexual touch with spouse, serving her, meeting her needs.  Getting a good hobby.

Build your strategy, and make sure the holes are plugged up.

SHINE THE LIGHT ON YOUR LOOPHOLE
Recognizing a loophole a major step.  But if I want to repair a loophole, I’m convinced I need to bring someone else into it.  Recovery is a team sport.  I can do OK by myself, maybe.  I can definitely do better with someone by my side.

When I talk about my loopholes with my counselor, a friend or a guy in my small group, I am bringing light to it.  I am walking in truth and practicing confession.  It may be a loophole that I’ve slipped though before or it may not be, but speaking it out about it is an invitation to intimacy and brotherhood.

The more intimate the relationship, the stronger I will be after I share my loophole.  If I talk about a flirty girl at work to my best friend, we have a serious talk about it.  If I talk about the flirty girl with my wife, we have another level of conversation.  It will definitely escalate the seriousness in my attitude when my wife is involved.

Do you get the point?  I picked this tip up from a pastor friend of mine who got into an emotional affair with his secretary and kissed her.  Believe me, when he told his wife, that relationship at work was over.

Our cases don’t have to be that extreme, but when I talk to a trusted friend or my wife about something that is pulling me or tripping me up, it invites them to join me on a deeper level.


101 – What are the loopholes that you know about right now?  What are you going to do about it?  Develop a strategy.

Beyond – Who do you have who is involved in your strategy?  Are you accountable?  When a new temptation or trigger comes along, who do you talk to about it?

CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

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A Covenant With My Eyes – Job 31:1

by Jeff Fisher on January 17, 2012

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Job 31:1 “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.”

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Job is an Old Testament book we probably  don’t read very often or maybe never have read.  Job was a very righteous guy.  He had a serious commitment to living out his righteousness and living out a pure life before God.

In the context of this verse and this chapter, a lot of bad things have happened to Job.  His friends have come to him and said that if you were really righteous these things would not happen to you.  Job is defending himself in this chapter.  He’s taking an inventory of his life saying, “I haven’t sinned here, or here, or here.  God is not punishing me for my sins.”  He now comes to chapter 31 and says, “I haven’t sinned with my eyes either.”

Job is so focused on God and engaged, he could say that his eyes were pure.  He had not looked lustfully with his eyes.  Wow!

Lust was not something Job wanted to have a part of.  He didn’t want it to characterize his life or trip him up.  He has obviously taken some proactive measures to shore up his eyes and mind.  He made a “covenant”

What is a covenant?

THE IMPORTANCE OF A COVENANT
A covenant is a coming together.  It’s a solemn agreement between two parties.  Job knew that his eyes could trip him up.  He took action beforehand.  He wanted his will to become one with his eyes.

Job was a married guy.  This commitment to God was also a commitment to his wife.

Job brought his eyes in submission to his will, first with an agreement.

I’ve noticed in my own life when I make a commitment, a promise or write something down it has a better chance of sticking in my life.  Commitments make me stronger and more aware.

I still have to choose to live by this covenant daily.  Job walked daily in this covenant.  He stayed engaged in his mission to be righteous and to be a good representative of God.

INTEGRITY
What’s amazing is that now he’s called into question.  “Where have you sinned Job?” is the question his friends are asking.   He can say with integrity he didn’t sin.

If I was called into question about my sin and about my eyes, I certainly couldn’t say this.  I messed up today and yesterday.  What day don’t I mess up?  I guess I figured with all of my recovery work and intensity I would get to a point where looking lustfully at a girl wouldn’t be a problem.  But it is a problem.  I recognize that God has hardwired me to be attracted to the opposite sex. He has made me a visual person.  And my eyes are a part of my life that I have chosen to take in an unhealthy direction… many times.  I’ve had two and a half decades of looking lustfully at a woman.  It’s going to take me a while to get to where Job is.  It hasn’t come instantaneously.

Job’s not a perfect guy.  It’s not that he didn’t sin.  Of course he did.  But he was not ignorant about his life and his behaviors.  He kept his sins and failings up-to-date.  He kept his eyes in check.

I can feel God calling me to make a solemn covenant with my eyes so I can be better in this area.

We think our eye battle is a battle that can’t be won.  We think it’s too hard.  We think there is too much temptation.  We believe everyone looks, everyone objectifies, and after all, I’m a guy, and that’s what guys do.

Job proves this thinking wrong.

LOOKING LUSTFULLY IS THE PROBLEM
I’m also reminded that the look is not the problem.  Looking lustfully is the problem.  Coveting. Objectifying.  Fantacizing.  Trying to work it out so you can touch the woman.

GOD’S VERY HIGH STANDARD
This verse reminds us of God’s high standard.  He wants us to not look lustfully.  This high standard is right up there with Ephesians 5:3 which commands us to not even have a “hint of sexual immorality” in us.

RECOVERY PRINCIPLES

  1. God wants us to be pure with our eyes.  It’s possible with God’s power.
  2. Our eyes are not going to get pure by themselves.  We have to be very intentional.  We have to engage our eyes.
  3. We need to work toward healthy looks and healthy relationships with women.

Jeff Fisher lives in Raleigh, NC.  He and his wife run the site www.porntopurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to those who are affected by sexual sin. Checkout Jeff’s podcasts on I-Tunes:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity, Top Verses For Sexual Purity, and For Ministers Who Struggle.

I Thessalonians 4:3-5 “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified.  That you should avoid sexual immorality.  That each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable not in passionate lusts like the heathen who don’t know God.”

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Some of the verses that we look at for Top Verses For Sexual Purity are principle verses.  They don’t directly speak to sexual immorality, our bodies, adultery or lust.  They will be principle verses.  Not this one.  This speaks very directly about your sexuality and about God’s expectations.  It’s aimed at us who are trying to be sexually pure.

GOD’S WILL IS SEXUAL PURITY
I like how direct Paul is in telling us He doesn’t like sexual immorality.  Sometimes we need to soak in the truth of God’s Word.  We need to be taught or reminded that God does want us to have anything to do with sexual immorality.  It’s not that God is anti-sex – He’s very much pro-sex.  But He calls us to His high and holy standard for our sexuality.

Sometimes I realize I’ve lost sight of His holy standards.  I start thinking my behaviors are OK.  I start thinking that it’s Ok to start hanging out in a sexually immoral environment.  I start crossing boundaries and lines and I start acting out sexually.  I know I’m deep back into the struggle/ bondage when these things happen.  A place I don’t want to be.

Let’s break the verse down a little bit.

SANCTIFIED
Sanctified is a  big word.  It means “set aside”.  It’s God’s will that I should be set aside.  Set aside to holiness, not to wickedness like the world.

NOT LIKE THE HEATHEN
God wants us above sexual immorality.  Our culture is very sexually immoral.  We’re to stay as far away from that as possible.

THE IMPORTANCE OF AVOIDING
My sexual purity’s not going to happen on its own.  It’s not an automatic thing.  Sinning and doing my own will is automatic.  I have to be engaged and take steps to avoid sexual immorality.  I need to take action when it comes to people, places, influences, media and TV.  I have to identify the things around me and in my life that are sexually immoral and go the opposite direction.  That means I need to have a good plan.  I need to develop a strategy for avoiding.

CONTROL YOUR OWN BODY
This is my struggle right here – learning to control my body.  I don’t easily want to give up.  It means that I have to surrender.

A friend of mine told me that anytime I am struggling with a verse or struggling to be obedient or wrestling with a concept, it means there’s a part of me that I don’t want to give up.  There’s a part of me that still needs to surrender to God, and He still has to work on that area. Learning to control my body is a process.  It takes time.  I’ve got to set up boundaries.  I’ve got to set up roadblocks.  The temptations are going to come.

I can avoid a lot of sexual situations, but I can very easily be sexual with myself privately.  There are things I have to stay away from, but then privately I have to “learn to control my own body”.

CONTROLLING MY BODY IS POSSIBLE!  YEAH!
One thing I almost missed in this verse is that God said it is possible for me to learn to control my body.  He wouldn’t say in the Scripture that it was His will if it wasn’t possible.  Again, it’s not possible through my power but by God’s.  Isn’t it great to know that I can learn to control my body.  I might need the help of others, and I might need some mentorship and discipleship, but what a cool thing.  I can actually get there.  It’s a process, and it might take a long time, but we can get there.

DON’T LIVE LIKE ANIMALS
Verse 5 underscores the call to sexual purity.  “Don’t be caught up in “passionate lusts like the heathen who do not know God.  Those guys live like animals.  They live on animal instinct.  They’re under its control.  But we are not to live like animals.  We’re not to live on our own whims and instincts.  We can be under God’s control.  It’s really good to know that we don’t have to be slaves to our bodies and its urges.  We can get to a point in our sexual purity journey where we can control them.  We may be out of whack right now and not healthy.  We may need some serious discipline and some serious sobriety from a behavior, but we can get there.

RECOVERY PRINCIPLES

1.  We have to be intentional about avoiding things.  We have to have a blacklist of people, places and things that we avoid.

2.  We can control our bodies.  It’s possible and God can help us to get there.

3.  Controlling our bodies is a learned process.   We need other people in the process to help us get there.

Jeff Fisher lives in Raleigh, NC.  He and his wife run the site www.porntopurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to those who are affected by sexual sin. Checkout Jeff’s podcasts on I-Tunes:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity, Top Verses For Sexual Purity, and For Ministers Who Struggle.

Our Purity Mission Summed Up in One Verse – Ephesians 5:3

January 3, 2012

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” Ephesians 5:3 LISTEN TO JEFF SHARE THIS PODCAST Click HERE to download directly I was awakened to this verse when I read Every Man’s Battle [...]

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Book Review: Becoming a Man of Valor by Dr. Mark Laaser

January 3, 2012

MEN OF VALOR SERIES BOOK 3:  BECOMING A MAN OF VALOR http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/becoming-a-man-of-valor/ The third book in Dr. Mark Laaser’s Men of Valor series Becoming a Man of Valor is different from the first two in his series.  He wants us to think about our core and what drives us.  He suggests that this book be [...]

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Book Review: Taking Every Thought Captive by Dr. Mark Laaser

December 27, 2011

MEN OF VALOR SERIES BOOK 2:  TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/taking-every-thought-captive/ The second book in Dr. Mark Laaser’s Men of Valor series Becoming a Man of Valor hovers around a big challenge for guys:  developing a godly thought life. The author definitely deals with curbing immoral sexual thoughts in the book, but he’s quick to [...]

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Book Review: The Seven Principles of Highly Accountable Men by Dr. Mark Laaser

December 20, 2011

MEN OF VALOR SERIES BOOK 1:  THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES OF HIGHLY ACCOUNTABLE MEN http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/products-page/bookstore/the-seven-priniciples-of-highly-accountable-men/ It would be cruel if I reviewed this book and didn’t list the seven principles for you, so here they are: Accountability begins with brokenness, confession and repentance. Accountability requires your being able to talk about your feelings and needs. Accountability [...]

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Resource: Prodigals International and Great Reading List

July 13, 2011

Marsha and I are constantly finding good resources and websites for sexual strugglers, their spouses, and for churches. When you get a chance, check out Prodigals International. FROM THEIR ABOUT PAGE Since its beginning in 2000, Prodigals’ International and its Homecoming Program has helped and supported hundreds of men achieve freedom from the bonds of [...]

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Sexual Addiction Resource: Bethesda Workshops

July 11, 2011

WEBSITE:  http://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/ I continue to hear good things about Bethesda. People who are finding healing from sexual addiction.  Check them out.  They offer help for men, women, spouses, and couples who struggle with sexual addiction. The mission of Bethesda Workshops is to encourage sexual wholeness by ministering to those damaged by sexual sin and addiction. We [...]

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