shame

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Recently, I interviewed Jonathan Daughtery of Be Broken Ministries for our Porn to Purity Podcast.  We talked about the subject of shame, and he said something that blew me away.  He said in the support groups he leads, he has esttblished “No Shame Zones”.

The idea of having relationships where there is no shame is very new to me.

A No Shame Zone would be a place where there is unconditional love, you are supported, encouraged, and not judged.  A place where you can share your junk, your sins, and your struggles and be listened to and not shamed.

Shame largely has to do with feeling worthless.  When we shame others we put them down.  It’s the same with ourselves.  We consider ourselves worthless, no good, bad because of our sexual struggles.  Shame doesn’t value a person.  Shame is a core issue that goes back to Genesis 2 when Adam and Eve sinned.  They felt shame and they covered up and hid.

In a No Shame Zone, you don’t have to hide.  You don’t have to cover up.  You can be honest and open with others and be accepted.

SHAME MESSAGES FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY
We can get a lot of shame messages from our friends, teachers and people who are closest to us.  Shame can even come from church people & ministers.

Some people try to use shame as a motivator.  They think if they beat a person up and make them feel bad that it will somehow wake them up.  But shaming others is not godly and not biblical.

SHAME MESSAGES FROM THE DEVIL
Shame messages also come from the devil.  He is full of lies.  He is the Father of Lies.  He builds his kingdom this way.  He questions faith and God, and wants to get you to question them too.

The devil, our enemy wants you to feel so worthless, shameful and fearful that you hide and cover up your sin.  He wants you to begin lying.  He wants you to keep going the way of death and destruction and render you ineffective for God.

NOT USED TO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
I’m not used to unconditional love.  My parents loved me but not perfectly.  Sometimes there was a conditional love.  My friends often showed conditional love to me.  In fact, most people I know are conditional lovers.  As long as I’m doing the things they like or approve of, I’m loved.  But when my life gets messy.  When my behaviors affect them.  When I cause them to be uncomfortable… love has its limits.

God is not like this.  He has nothing but unconditional love for me.  Romans 5:8 is one of my favorite passages:
“but God proves his love for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

There are a lot of scriptures in the Bible that talk about the love of God, but this passage nails it.  Even while I was a sinner, God loved me, and proved his love by sending Jesus.  Man, I love that verse!

But it has taken me a long time as a Christian, and as a Christian in recovery to believe this verse.  I committed a lot of sexual sin.  I lost my job and ministry.  I brought embarrassment to His name.  I hurt my family.  I caused pain and hardship upon many who cared for me.  It’s been hard for me to love myself, and most of all, accept God’s love for me.

God operates with No Shame.  He wants us to find No Shame Zones so we can be honest, walk in truth and find His healing.  Only when we are real with one another can we find true healing.

When we’re hanging out in a No Shame Zone, we will be able to talk about our struggles.  We will be able to confess our sins.  We will be able to have accountability.  We will find support.

HUNGRY FOR A NO SHAME ZONE
Doesn’t your soul hunger for a place with no shame?  A place where there is no hiding, you don’t have to cover up… it’s safe, confidential, & supportive?  A place where you can be real and spill your junk?

A place where you will accepted as you are and where you are on your journey?

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Let’s talk 101 and beyond…

101:  WHERE CAN I FIND A NO SHAME ZONE?
It’s going to be different for each of you.  You will have to be intentional about finding places where there is no shame.

I think the best place to start is a counselor’s office.  They are required to be confidential.  They have a lot of experience listening to others share their darkest secrets.  And they are not going to be surprised by anything you have to say.

I think support groups are great places to find No Shame Zones.  Ask your counselor about the groups that are around, or email me.  I might be able to help you find a group near you, or show you how to search for one.

You might find a no shame zone with your minister or best friend, possibly with a family member.

You’re going to have to start somewhere.  Find a safe person and work on building a No Shame Zone.  God is the first No Shame Zone.  But he wants us to cultivate relationships with others where no shame exists.

BEYOND:  HOW DO I CREATE NO SHAME ZONES?
The main tip for this podcast is go and create places where there is no shame.  We may not have these zones around us right now.  Definitely start looking, but you be proactive and create them.

Create one with your best friend, your accountability partner, your spouse, your children.

POCKETS OF SHAME
When I entered recovery I wanted to heal.  I wanted to get as well as possible.  Some of the biggest obstacles in the way of being healthy are the pockets of shame I had.

At first it was large chunks of shame.  Entire themes of shame I carried.  I hated myself.  I felt my sexual sin identified me.  I felt like my effectiveness in life was over.

Bad memories carried shame.  Sexual experimentation and discoveries in my adolescence were tainted with shame.  Fetishes I have explored in the past and still feel a pull to have shame.

I found that my desire for everyone to like me carried shame.  When people didn’t respond the way I wanted I felt rejection.  The worthlessness made me feel shameful.  It’s not hard for me to feel worthless, not valued, and not loved around others.

My gut instinct (which I know comes from my flesh) is to hide and cover up.  I want to cut myself off and distance myself from others

As I explored my relationship with my dad, I couldn’t believe all of the shame I felt.  My dad was not the best at connecting emotionally.  He did a bad job.   I felt a lot of anger and distance.  I interpreted that as  a child as not being good enough.  Unconditional love.  And I have carried these wounds and lies into my adulthood.

God continues to release me from these pockets of shame.

So how do we get out of these shame pockets?

1. ID the shame pockets
2. Move toward them
3. Talk about them
4. Stop believing the lies
5. Replace lies with God’s truth
6. Strengthen them with continued flow of truth & support; build no shame muscles; takes time and training
7. Keep bringing the pockets with God; let him replace it with his love and his presence

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