struggle

Top Tip 003 – Friction Can Be Productive

by Jeff Fisher on January 12, 2012

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In our SA recovery and purity journey we wish that everything would be smooth and perfect, don’t we.  We wish we wouldn’t have to deal with pain, hurts, consequences, woundings, suffering, broken relationships, arguments and fights, conflict, struggles, withdrawals, and difference of opinions.  These bring friction to our relationships – friction with God, friction with ourselves, friction with our spouse, and with others.

I want to explore this friction today.  In our sexual purity journey, the “friction zone” can become a very important place.  It’s often the place we meet God the most.

SOME FRICTION IS DESTRUCTIVE
When we are unrighteous and biting with our words, when we tear down, lie, break promises, and sin against another it causes a destructive type of friction.  Our sexual immorality has caused a lot of destructive friction.  It affects us, our bodies, our spouse, our future spouse, and our intimacy with God.

Destructive friction is not unforgivable.  It is redeemable.  We mess up all the time.  Stick our foot in our mouth.  Act out in anger.  We yell.  We are sinners by nature.  But we have to seek restoration and forgiveness in our relationships when this happens.

Don’t be discouraged if you have brought a lot of pain and consequence to those who love you.  Your sexual sin may have caused great damage.  But it’s not hopeless.

SOME FRICTION IS NECESSARY FOR HEALING AND GROWTH
There’s another type of friction that can be very productive.  It’s the struggle itself.

If a person wants to bulk up and build muscle, there has to be some weight lifting involved.  You pick up the weights.  There is a heaviness and resistance that comes with the lifting.  You put in some hard work and sweat.  Then a process happens with your muscles where the fibers are torn and are rebuilt stronger than ever.

Hard work.  Struggle.  Rest.  Healing.  Growth.

Can you see some parallels to the sexual purity journey?

I can’t put my sexual purity journey into neutral.  I can’t get to a certain point of purity and coast.  Plateauing is not OK with God.  He wants me to be engaged on a daily basis.  He wants me to go to the places where friction exists.

  • Explore the pain of your past.
  • Go to the counselor’s office to work on your heart.
  • Find an accountability partner who can help you get to the next step.
  • Stop bad behaviors and start good ones.
  • Get the courage to talk to your wife.
  • Join a sexual addiction support group.

These are all steps that are hard.  They will create friction, because we won’t be able to stay the same and take these steps.

FRICTION IN MY HEART
My sinful, fleshly nature automatically brings friction.  One part of me wants to be selfish and do my own thing.  The other part of me wants to serve God and do right.

This struggle will always exist.

At different parts of my sexual purity journey, I get these patches where I feel the struggle.  I feel a lot of temptation.  I become aware of the struggle.  And I have strong thoughts of acting out sexually and giving in.

This is an important reminder to me that there’s a war going on.  My fleshly nature wants to go one direction & spirit wants to go another, and they’re fighting it out.

The times when I feel this struggle of my flesh are the times when I need God the most.  I also need my support team helping me.

CONVICTION IS A GOOD TYPE OF FRICTION
When I slip and look at a pornography website, the spirit of God convicts me.  I feel these butterflies in my stomach.  Sometimes I feel a hot flash or an acute awareness that what I’m doing is wrong.  This conviction is a good type of friction.

BREAKING ATTACHMENTS CAUSES FRICTION
Some of the more difficult times for me have come when God calls me to break away from a bad habit.  Early for me it was looking at pornography on the computer and masturbating.  Later, it was the magazines or books I read and the TV I watched.  For you it might be sexually immoral relationships that you have to break, or a close friend who pushes you in the sexual direction.

Unhealthy attachments are basically idols.  We become dependent on the person, substance or behavior.  We love the behavior more than God.  We can’t break away from it without causing friction, and many times trauma to our lives.

But “dying to ourselves”, sacrificing, struggling, and ripping away old behaviors is critical for our sexual purity journey.

Perhaps on another podcast I can talk about the other part of the weight lifting analogy:  Rest and healing.  There are definitely times when God calls us to rest.  There are times when he leads us to “green pastures” and “quiet waters” like it says in Psalm 23.

NO FRICTION = BAD NEWS!
But I know one thing:  Friction is critical.  if I’m not feeling friction at all, that’s not good.  If I’m not aware of the battle and the fight, then I’m not engaged in my sexual purity journey the right way.

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Let me share some 101 and Beyond applications for us:

101 – Don’t run away from friction.  It’s very important to your getting well and getting victory over sexual struggles.

Beyond – Hit the gym.  God’s not done with your journey.  Work on the things you’ve been avoiding.  Seek God for deeper healing.  Get some help from a counselor, pastor or support group to work on that next patch.

CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

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24 Purity Resolutions for 2012

by Jeff Fisher on December 28, 2011

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Check us out on Twitter:  @porntopurity

Email:  porntopurity@gmail.com

Happy New Year

From Jeff & Marsha Fisher at Porn to Purity

  1. I resolve to go to a Christian counselor for the first time.
  2. I resolve to go to a sexual support group for the first time.
  3. I resolve to read a book on sexual purity.  Anything from Laaser, Carnes, or Weiss is awesome!
  4. I resolve to fully disclose my sexual struggles to another person of the same gender.
  5. I resolve to read my bible everyday asking God to help me with my sexual struggles.
  6. I resolve to put Covenant Eyes (accountability software) on all of my computers.
  7. I resolve to have a friend block the questionable channels on my TV.
  8. I resolve to throw away all DVDs with sexual content or nudity.  
  9. I resolve to stop surfing through the Sunday circulars for sensual material.
  10. I resolve to throw away or unsubscribe to all magazines that get me sexually excited.
  11. I resolve to allow someone to keep me accountable to my I-Tunes downloads.
  12. I resolve to not go see any movies without researching them on a site like Plugged In.com
  13. I resolve to keep looking for an accountability partner until I find a good one.
  14. I resolve to let my minister know about my sexual struggles and be a part of my “safe” team.
  15. I resolve to get rid of any music that is sexual explicit or stimulating.
  16. This year I resolve to call someone everyday so I can stay connected and stay pure.
  17. This year I resolve to dump my girlfriend / boyfriend who is hindering my desire to be sexually pure.
  18. This year I resolve to make sure my home and work computer are in public view.
  19. This year I resolve to get some help from a counselor so I can stop masturbating.
  20. This year I resolve to dress in a way that is modest and doesn’t cause a stumbling block to others.
  21. This year I resolve to value others instead of objectify.  Somebody’s daughter.  Somebody’s son.
  22. This year I resolve to begin jotting my feelings and struggles in a journal or blog.
  23. This year I resolve to have a purity plan in place every time I travel.
  24. This year I resolve to ask Jesus to heal me from the emotional ties I have to old boyfriends / girlfriends.

NEW TO OUR WEBSITE?
Take some time to check out our extensive list of sexual addiction resources , help for wives of addicts, and statistics.

Read Jeff and Marsha’s story about their recovery from porn.

Jeff and Marsha’s Porn to Purity Podcast

Jeff’s Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast

Feeling Entitled: You Owe Me!

by Jeff Fisher on November 22, 2011

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I have the right to look at porn.

My spouse owes me some sex.

I can use the computer whenever I want.  It doesn’t matter what I look at.

I need to masturbate to meet my sexual needs.

I can watch any movie I want to.

My spouse doesn’t meet my needs, so it’s OK to have this relationship.

These are all statements of entitlement.  Entitlement is a wicked place to be.  Entitlement is one of those dangerous things that can creep into our sexual recovery process.

When you feel entitled, you feel like you deserve something.  You feel like you have I coming.  You feel like someone owes it to you, or you owe it to yourself.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

FRUSTRATION AND STRUGGLE LEAD TO ENTITLEMENT
You may be frustrated that your sexual needs are not getting met.  You may be mad at God for making you a certain way.  Maybe you are mad at your spouse because she won’t have sex with you more or fulfill your fantasies.  It’s not long before you will feel entitled.

You may be working on your sexual recovery and hit a lot of frustrations and struggles.  It’s easy to slip into feeling entitled to act out just because your life is hard.  You talk yourself into thinking that you deserve to do something sexual and ungodly.

SOME THINGS WE’VE GOT TO REMEMBER

Our bodies are no our own – they belong to God and our spouses first, then ourselves.

Entitlement is selfish, not serving – Look back on those statements of entitlement.  They are self-centered.  They are prideful.  They are not characteristic of God’s direction.

Consider the Big Picture – Struggles are a part of our growth.  If things are difficult in our relationships, we have to do the hard work to make them work.  God is making us into something bigger and better and purer.  It’s a challenging road sometimes.

Consider the Lord’s Will – God will never direct you to do something that goes against His will, is selfish or immoral, or devalues women.  That’s not God speaking, its you.  We may feel strongly about doing something sexual or demanding, but that is coming from ourselves and our lust.

Entitlement doubts the Lord’s provision – God has promised to give us our “daily bread”.  Everything we need for today.  When we take matters into our own hands, we deny Him the opportunity to provide.  We also communicate that we don’t trust Him to provide or help us.  God is strong and can help us through any struggle or frustration.

Why WE Can’t Stop Sexual Sin

by Jeff Fisher on September 27, 2011

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stop_it

I thought this would complement yesterday’s blog on Why We Can’t Stop? Be sure to check out the You Tube link – Bob Newhart’s classic “Stop It!” routine.

 

Don’t you wish we could just STOP doing our sexual sin?  If you’re like me, you’ve tried 1000 times to stop.  But we just keep coming back to that same behavior.  A string of attempts, and a bigger string of failures.  I try to control myself, but instead find my sin is controlling me.

This is how an addiction works.  This is also what bondage looks like.

I continue to realize that I cannot stop my sexual sin.  But it doesn’t mean that all is hopeless and that I’m trapped.

WE HAVE TOO MANY PROBLEMS
1.  Heart problem - It’s not the behavior, it’s our hearts.  Our hearts are selfish, conditioned, and driven by our lusts.  Our hearts want what is easy and makes us feel good.

2.  Sin Problem – Our core, apart from Christ, is sinful.  Our natural desire is to go the wrong way.  Our sin nature controls us.

3.  Chemical Problem – Addiction feeds off the chemical highs.  We have caused the chemicals in our brains to go crazy when we look at porn, fantasize, masturbate and have sex.  Our brains crave more and more.

4.  Learned Behavior Problem – We have conditioned ourselves to act out in unhealthy ways.  And we’ve probably been doing it for decades.  The paths of sexual behavior are “well worn” paths.  It makes charting new paths extremely difficult.

5.  Emotional Problem – We have emotional needs and hurts that we are trying to medicate with lust, masturbation, and porn.  They are an undercurrent that feeds our addiction.

A FOUR-PART SOLUTION
If we are to be freed from sexual sin, we must open give up our efforts to try and fix ourselves.  We must surrender to God’s help and the help of others.

question-mark1.  God - God is the only one who can get down into our hearts and work on the deep stuff is Christ.

2.  Support Group - A healthy support group is not just an addiction group.  It could be a combination of your family, your friends, your wife, or your pastor.  These are your cheerleaders, your encouragers.

3.  Wise People - Different from our support group, these are the people that can give us the insight we need about ourselves to work on the deeper stuff.  They can help identify blindspots and weaknesses.

4.  My Part - We do have a part, it’s just different.  It involves surrender to God, submission to others, and a commitment to the process.  These must all be done on a daily basis.


BobNewhartBOB NEWHART’S “STOP IT” ROUTINE
Here’s a great comedy bit that Bob Newhart did called “Stop It!”  Enjoy a good laugh today:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=PlayList&p=6B68C3EC0F5CF992&index=0

The Right Tools Make Recovery Easier

by Jeff Fisher on August 31, 2011

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On my way to work this morning I noticed a guy mowing his large, overgrown yard with a tiny mower. It was a “20 horsepower riding lawnmower job” being done with a “4 horsepower gas mower”. The job was not impossible, but it was definitely the kind that you would want a riding lawnmower for. Either this guy was trying to get his exercise, or he was over his head in grass.

He needed the right tool to do the job. The job was going to get done, but with a lot more sweat, effort and frustration than necessary.

THE RIGHT TOOLS FOR GETTING OUT OF OUR ADDICTION
There’s no easy way out of sexual addiction. We have put in years of hard work to get where we are. Years of bad habits, patterns and dependency on our behaviors. Is it possible to dig out of it by ourselves? Possibly. But it’s a lot easier with the right tools and help. Big tools and extra hands make the job go by so much better.

SUPPORT GROUP – These are the people who stick by you. They know your story and they love you anyway. Your support group may include: a sexual recovery group, accountability partners, best friends, church family, or your spouse.

SKILLED PEOPLE – Some people are trained or experienced in helping hurting people. Certainly counselors fit in here. Certain ministers understand sexual recovery. And many other men, women, and couples have been through sex addiction recovery. It may take some time to find them, but they are out there.

Freebie - We have several ministries listed on the right-side of our website page. Start there if you are looking for skilled hands. Or email us at pornpurity@gmail.com and we can point you in some right directions.

GROWING DEPENDENCE ON GOD – It may start off tiny, but God can help you depend on Him. Just start talking to Him. Start with your anger and emotions. He can take it. But get real with God. Ask God to make Himself real to you in this struggle. Ask Him to help you turn to Him. Ask Him to help you surrender the struggles to Him.

Sexual Addiction: 2 Ways Ministers Helped Me and 5 Ways They Could Have Helped Me

April 28, 2011

My counselor asked me to share my story with a group of pastors recently.  The Pastor’s meeting was focusing on ministering to the broken and he thought my story would be helpful.  He also asked me to share how ministers helped me through my sexual addiction recovery and how they could have helped me.  Most [...]

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Puke It Out!

April 12, 2011

** The author of this blog thought long and hard about including some gross pictures.  His wife thought otherwise, and we settled on this picture.  One sign that a person is ready to work on his sexual recovery is when he PUKES IT OUT.   A person comes to support group for the first time. [...]

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Confession: Pastor Suffering the Consequences of Sexual Sin and Finding God’s Grace

March 29, 2011

I get a daily email from Every Man’s Battle that pulls from the content on XXX Church contains their recent blogs and entries on their confession page. Some of the confessions have some great reminders of how real the struggle for sexual purity is and the consequences of our sexual decisions. I wanted to share [...]

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Help! I’m The Wife of a Sexual Struggler! – My Interview With Darrell Brazell of New Hope Fellowship – Pt. 2

March 27, 2011

TODAY’S EPISODE:  Jeff of Porn to Purity interviews Darrell Brazell of New Hope Fellowship.  Encouragement, hope, help and resources for the wife of a sexual struggler.  Part 2 of the two part interview. Direct Link for the Podcast PART 1 PART 2 What should your reaction be to your husband’s sexual sin? What should you [...]

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Help! I’m The Wife of a Sexual Struggler! – My Interview With Darrell Brazell of New Hope Fellowship – Pt. 1

March 20, 2011

TODAY’S EPISODE:  Jeff of Porn to Purity interviews Darrell Brazell of New Hope Fellowship.  Encouragement, hope, help and resources for the wife of a sexual struggler.  Part 1 of the two part interview. Direct Link for the Podcast PART 1 PART 2 Darrell shares some of his story and how New Hope Fellowship emerged Encouragement [...]

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How to Stay Pure at the Gym

March 5, 2011

You need a strategy for staying pure at the gym… don’t you?

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