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Top Tip 006 – Lust Hurts My Intimacy

by Jeff Fisher on January 23, 2012

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I was thinking this morning back to the times when my wife and I were struggling in our intimacy during our first 8-10 years of our marriage.  Our counselor recently asked ups about our intimacy during our first 6 months of marriage and then how things have been since then. It was a hard question, because things were good early in our marriage, but had become strained.

I think lust on my part was the biggest factor to our intimacy demise.  I never realized was that my intimacy was driven by and clouded by my lust.  I brought a very lustful mind and emotional makeup into my marriage.  I had no clue how it was affecting my relationship with my wife.

There are many factors that contribute to our intimacy disorders.  I’ll share several, but let’s look at the biggest one:  lust.


LUST IS SELFISH
Lust comes from our sinful flesh.  Lust is selfishness.  It is self-centeredness.  Lust says, “I want what I want.  I want my desires met.  I want my fantasies fulfilled.”  It is not about the needs of another person, but about me.

Of course, lust is more than sexual lust.  We can lust for power, appreciation, the latest technology, and anything we think will make our lives better.  Lust is full of covetousness and taps a deep hole in your life that can only be filled by God.

Since we are talking about sexual purity, let’s only talk about sexual lust today.

When I got married, I thought to myself, “Now have a real person to fulfill me and to act out with instead of magazine pictures or computer images.”  I was expecting all my sexual struggles to go away with marriage, but they didn’t.  Instead of lusting after strangers I began lusting after my wife.  I traded the pictures for a real person, and little about myself was changed.

Now that I think about it, my relationships with girlfriends were pretty lustful to.  It was more about me, my sexual desires and my sexual fantasies than it was about the girl I was with.

Another variation is when I would do good things for my wife to try and get something for myself.  I thought if I would just push the right buttons, I could get sex.  I was looking for the magic combination to unlock the sexual animal in my wife.  How selfish is this!

LUST ROBS US OF INTIMACY
True marital intimacy is not about “Me”.  It’s about meeting the other person’s needs.  It’s about serving my wife.  It’s about connecting with her heart, hearing what needs she has, what she’s like, what she would like to do, what she would like us to do together.  How can I help my wife?  How can I meet her needs?

The addict lives a life of self-absorption.  He has spent so much time connecting with things that meet his own wants.  His deep need for relationship has been morphed into pictures, internet sites, foreign women, illicit places… whatever.  He must see the truth about his self-centeredness.  His biggest fight is to begin to pour his life into others, and to receive from others.

There is greater fulfillment in meeting my spouse’s needs.  I now care about my wife’s soul and emotions.  I enjoy when I get my desire or urge met.  But I have a greater satisfaction knowing that I am meeting my wife’s needs.  I can do things to make her happy.  It’s awesome.

WHAT IS INTIMACY?
I feel like I should pause here and define “intimacy”.  I’m not talking about sexual intimacy.  That is one type of intimacy.  But intimacy on a broader level is emotional, relational, and spiritual… not just sexual.

If I’m connecting deeply with others.  If I know them, and they know me… that’s intimacy.  I can have intimacy with God, a spouse, a best friend, a pastor or a support group.

Knowing someone and being known – that’s my simple definition of intimacy.

BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR SELFISHNESS
We need to be honest with ourselves.  We really want our own needs met above those of others.  We will do things for others, but expect them to reciprocate.  We want what we want, and can be pretty crafty in making it happen.

LAY IT A JESUS’ FEET
As my wife and I have been going through this recovery stuff during our 15th year of marriage, I have been laying my selfishness at Christ’s feet.  Many of my addictive behaviors, along with their self-centeredness are fading.  I realize that I need other people.  I need real relationships, instead of the false ones I had clung to.  I want to pour my life into others:  my wife, friends, my group, my church, my small group.  For the first time in my life & marriage, I am starting to really put the other person first.

Dear God,
Empty me of my self.  Help me not to be absorbed in myself.  Help me to serve my wife and others.  Help me to not expect something in return.  Help me to trust that you will take care of me.

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101 – Start asking the question, “How much do lust and selfishness control my relationships?”

Beyond – How’s your serving and sacrificing?  These are more difficult disciplines to grow.  But they are the heart of God.  We can’t be selfish and lustful when we are serving.  Work on your serve.  Work on dying to yourself.

CONTACT INFO
jeff@porntopurity.com
@porntopurity on Twitter

Call-in voicemail line line:  (321) 5-PURITY

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24 Purity Resolutions for 2012

by Jeff Fisher on December 28, 2011

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Check us out on Twitter:  @porntopurity

Email:  porntopurity@gmail.com

Happy New Year

From Jeff & Marsha Fisher at Porn to Purity

  1. I resolve to go to a Christian counselor for the first time.
  2. I resolve to go to a sexual support group for the first time.
  3. I resolve to read a book on sexual purity.  Anything from Laaser, Carnes, or Weiss is awesome!
  4. I resolve to fully disclose my sexual struggles to another person of the same gender.
  5. I resolve to read my bible everyday asking God to help me with my sexual struggles.
  6. I resolve to put Covenant Eyes (accountability software) on all of my computers.
  7. I resolve to have a friend block the questionable channels on my TV.
  8. I resolve to throw away all DVDs with sexual content or nudity.  
  9. I resolve to stop surfing through the Sunday circulars for sensual material.
  10. I resolve to throw away or unsubscribe to all magazines that get me sexually excited.
  11. I resolve to allow someone to keep me accountable to my I-Tunes downloads.
  12. I resolve to not go see any movies without researching them on a site like Plugged In.com
  13. I resolve to keep looking for an accountability partner until I find a good one.
  14. I resolve to let my minister know about my sexual struggles and be a part of my “safe” team.
  15. I resolve to get rid of any music that is sexual explicit or stimulating.
  16. This year I resolve to call someone everyday so I can stay connected and stay pure.
  17. This year I resolve to dump my girlfriend / boyfriend who is hindering my desire to be sexually pure.
  18. This year I resolve to make sure my home and work computer are in public view.
  19. This year I resolve to get some help from a counselor so I can stop masturbating.
  20. This year I resolve to dress in a way that is modest and doesn’t cause a stumbling block to others.
  21. This year I resolve to value others instead of objectify.  Somebody’s daughter.  Somebody’s son.
  22. This year I resolve to begin jotting my feelings and struggles in a journal or blog.
  23. This year I resolve to have a purity plan in place every time I travel.
  24. This year I resolve to ask Jesus to heal me from the emotional ties I have to old boyfriends / girlfriends.

NEW TO OUR WEBSITE?
Take some time to check out our extensive list of sexual addiction resources , help for wives of addicts, and statistics.

Read Jeff and Marsha’s story about their recovery from porn.

Jeff and Marsha’s Porn to Purity Podcast

Jeff’s Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast

Recovery NO-NOs: Diversion

by Jeff Fisher on November 18, 2011

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Let’s call attention to a tactic that many of us use to minimize our sin.  It’s called diversion.

Here’s what it looks like:

  • You’re checking into Group.  You’ve acted out and relapsed this week.  You talk about our difficult week, but then talk about how difficult your wife is.
    Attention = on wife

  • You’re having problems in chatrooms again.  You talk to a friend about it, but then you turn the subject to how you’ve slipped in reading the Bible and praying.
    Attention = on your spiritual disciplines instead of your slipping up

  • You looked at some bad TV, including renting a porn movie.  You tell your accountability partner you but then talk about how bad today’s TV programs have become.
    Attention = on the ills of TV
  • You have masturbated and your spouse wants to get intimate.  You tell you spouse that you’ve had a difficult day at work and are really tired.
    Attention = On your lie

We can do this diversion with any type of sin.  But the larger the secret, the harder we work at diverting.

Diversion is not an honest or godly behavior.  We’ve go to stop doing it, if we want to grow in our relationships, and be sexually pure.

Here’s some important things to consider:

1.  We have to choose to be truthful

2.  We have to choose to be accountable

3.  We have to be courageous and own up for our sin

4.  When we are divert attention we are being deceptive.  That’s lying.

Do a check of your own life and be mindful of the things you do to cover you sins.

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porntopurity@gmail.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

I’m Trying to Stop Looking at Porn, Pray For Me

by Jeff Fisher on November 15, 2011

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Marsha and I get several emails from Porn to Purity readers that say:

“I’m struggling with pornography.  I’m trying to get out.  Pray for me.”

Some are testing the waters to see if we are really out here and will respond.  We are, and we do.

Others are reaching out for the first time, and this is what their first step looks like.  We’re so proud of you!  Good start!

And others are so deep in crisis, this is all they can get out.  Our hearts go out to you with love and encouragement.

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The first thing we want to say is that we do pray, for everyone who writes us.  We do respond and we do take the time to think through our responses.  Often we come back to emails later with additional resource recommendations.

We want you to know this so you’ll feel like you have a place to go.

Here is one of Jeff’s responses to an email like this:

I’m so glad you wrote.  Thank you for sharing a part of your story and how God is helping you pull out of the bondage of pornography.

 

The healing and transformation is a long process.  We wish it wasn’t.  We wish we could lose a job, learn a lesson, and then be fine.  I have known people who get well, get back on their feet, and repeat it many, many times.  It could happen to any of us if we do not stay engaged in the battle, get help from others, and develop good offensive and defensive strategies.

 

A few questions for you:

Q:  What kind of support structure do you have set up? (counselor, support group, pastor, accountability buddies, spouse, etc.)

Q:  Are you reading anything right now to help you in your recovery?  Listening to podcasts?

Q:  Who do you have around you that knows your story and that is active in your life?

The amazing thing is that porn is really not the problem.  It’s a symptom of what’s going on underneath the surface.  That’s what we have to deal with, and that’s what takes time, commitment, and support from the Body of Christ.

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jeff@porntopurity.com

marsha@porntopurity.com

@porntopurity on Twitter

Rebuilding Trust in My Relationships

by Jeff Fisher on August 1, 2011

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One of the hardest things about recovering from an addiction is that I have broken the trust of several people around me.  Now in recovery, I’m suffering the consequences of having broken trust with my wife, my close friends, and my former employer.  It is a hard consequence to face.

trustMy wife would be more qualified to speak on the things that have helped her trust me again, but here are some things that seem to have helped:

1.  Setting up roadblocks, and letting my wife know – I have worked out several roadblocks to help me stay clean when I’m on the computer and TV.  Marsha has the passwords for our computer and for heavier content on the TV.  We also talk about my purity strategy when I’m away on a trip, or when she’s away on a trip.

2. Let Her Be Involved in My Accountability - I have determined to tell her whatever she wants to know about my purity struggles.  Recently, we got to talking about a tough one…objectifying women.  We had some challenging conversations.  I let her pilot the ship on that one, and honestly answered each question.  Sometimes I prefaced my answer with, “Are you sure you want me to tell you this?”

3.  Going to Counseling – I think that my going to counseling every other week and paying money for help, helps her see that I’m serious.  I give her a synopsis of my counseling appointment, and of the things I need to be working on.

4.  Going to a Recovery Group – When I’m carving time in my schedule to make sure that I go to group meetings, it means a lot to her.

5.  Open, Honest Talking – I rarely used to talketo my wife about the struggles I was having inside.  Now we both have an honest (sometimes raw) exchange.  Sometimes the things we say are hurtful.  But we are growing because of it, and I think the trust is building because of it.

My accountability partner has challenged me with a question “Are you hiding anything from Marsha?” He encourages me to talk to my wife about the important things, and the things we’ve agreed on.  This is helping me to press in toward her and is a relationship helper.

anger7.  Taking My Anger to God, Not My Spouse
I want to be trusted.  Sometimes I feel like I even deserve to be trusted.  It really makes me angry when my wife doesn’t show trust in me.  I have to realize that I’m the one who broke trust.  It is never helpful for me to blast her about it.  I am learning to take my angry feelings to God and let them dissolve in His lap.

6.  Confession – Saying “I’m sorry” and “Forgive, me” and “I was wrong” go a long way.  I am learning to say these quicker.

8.  Lots of Patience – I feel like I should be trusted soon … probably more quickly than I should.  I think that because I’m going to group, working hard, and reading all of these books that that I should be trusted.  My accountability partner surmised that on the things that I thought I was trustworthy on, it would take my spouse 6-12 months to get there.  His summation and admonition seem to be right.

A friend of mine admitted some sexual sin to his wife.  Their world broke apart 8 years ago.  He’s been doing really well and their relationship has made some good strides.  He recently asked her how much did she trusted him now.  She said “about 90%”.

I’m not sure my percentage matters to me.  But what does matter is that I am trustworthy.  God knows where I am, and is helping me to not be deceitful and false about my life.  He is helping me to be open with my wife and with others about my struggles and slips.

Q:  What are some things that have helped you rebuild trust in your relationships?
Q:  What additional advice would you give to the spouse of the one who has fallen into sexual sin?

Leave a blog comment here, or email us privately at porntopurity@gmail.com

Article: Do I Have to Tell My Wife?

July 12, 2011

Jeff and Rose Colon posted a fantastic article on the Pure Life Ministries website called “Do I Have to Tell My Wife?” Here are some excerpts from the article: Repentance, confession, and forgiveness are required before healing and restoration can occur. How can a husband and wife walk in unity when there is an unresolved [...]

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Lessons From a You-Tube Slip Up

April 29, 2011

A slip up on You Tube the other day reminded me of how careful I have to be when searching online.

Read the full article →

Sexual Addiction: 2 Ways Ministers Helped Me and 5 Ways They Could Have Helped Me

April 28, 2011

My counselor asked me to share my story with a group of pastors recently.  The Pastor’s meeting was focusing on ministering to the broken and he thought my story would be helpful.  He also asked me to share how ministers helped me through my sexual addiction recovery and how they could have helped me.  Most [...]

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Am I Settling For An Affair With My Wife?

April 4, 2011

There are times when we secretly want an affair with our wives, instead of a relationship.  Relationships are hard.  Relationships take work and are messy. We only want sex.  We want our desires met and we want our fantasies fulfilled. The illusion of pornography and fantasy is that we can have a sexual life where [...]

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Confession: Pastor Suffering the Consequences of Sexual Sin and Finding God’s Grace

March 29, 2011

I get a daily email from Every Man’s Battle that pulls from the content on XXX Church contains their recent blogs and entries on their confession page. Some of the confessions have some great reminders of how real the struggle for sexual purity is and the consequences of our sexual decisions. I wanted to share [...]

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I’m Trying to Stop Looking at Porn, Pray For Me

March 29, 2011

Marsha and I get several emails from Porn to Purity readers that say: “I’m struggling with pornography.  I’m trying to get out.  Pray for me.”   Some are testing the waters to see if we are really out here and will respond.  We are, and we do. Others are reaching out for the first time, [...]

Read the full article →

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